I can't lie and say that my husband has been saying he will come back or even giving me mixed signals. For the last 18 months since he moved out the last time he has been very clear that he will not be back. He says he loves me and will always take care of me but he will not be back. He called me just a few minutes ago. SHE had already told him about my phone call. So I asked him how SHE could say SHE was engaged when HE was still married to ME? And how could SHE be engaged when HE said he would never divorce ME? His answer was that he knew we couldn't go on like this forever but that he wanted to give me time to get on my feet but that yes, he would eventually marry HER. So he really didn't meant it when he said he would never divorce me. Just like he didn't mean it all the times he said he would work on things with us. Turns out he was just trying to let me down easy, as he said. If I go for a nasty divorce I won't end up getting any more than he is offering and my daughter will be upset. I guess I'm just supposed to bow out now. Believe me tht I thought of suing her. I thought of it up until about a year ago when I finally found out how they met. My husband told me they met at a restaurant. So I had pictured her coming on to him which is what he led me to believe. Finally a year ago in one of my few conversations with HER, the truth came out and my husband had to admit it. She placed a personal ad that a friend of my husband's responded to. His friend met HER at a restaurant bar and my husband happened to be there. So they met. Well, SHE didn't like this perfectly available single man even though he liked her. But I guess my husband felt this immediate connection with her, or so he says! He called the ad himself but didn't tell her he was married. She remembered him and said she felt connected to him too. So they went out a few times and then he told her he was married but by this time, according to her she was already in love with him! In only two or three dates no less. Now how would I sue her? He pursued her! He swears she never asked him for anything. More pain for me, I guess. So I really need to accept that he is gone and he is never coming back. And that hurts so much! And now the truth has come out that he does want to marry her some day, he says and of course he can't marry her if he is married to me. Guess he doesn't plan to stay married to me and I need to just get out of their happy picture. My daughter doesn't want a fuss and he is wants to be my friend, he says. Some friend. I guess I'm not making much sense here. I sometimes hate myself because I can't just let go and move on like everyone says I should.

discarded,<P>This is the place to be for awhile......there are so many caring people at this forum, and it helps so much to get your feelings out. I felt attacked a couple of times when I posted here, mostly I was just venting, but all responses were sent with the utmost respect and attempt at helping me to see what 'might' be some of the reasons for the way I was feeling, or perhaps even his rational for acting the way he was.<P>My marriage lasted 17 years, my relationship with my X has been for 27 years and will continue because we share two wonderful kidos. I felt such anger towards him, and I still do, but more than that I feel pity. I can't say to you that you should just move on out of the way for 'their' happiness. Do you really want to stay married to this guy? If you do, well, that's your decision. It must be really hard to accept after so many years - heck, it's still hard for me to accept because X & I were highschool sweethearts, etc., etc. I still don't really feel divorced....maybe I never will <<sigh>><P>Sorry, I digress. I just wanted you to know that you can feel pretty darn safe here at the forum. We haven't exactly been in each other's shoes, but darn close sometimes.<BR>Post here, if for no other reason than to get the feelings out in a safe atmosphere.<P>Hugs to you,<P>Claire

Discarded,<P>First off, BIG (((((HUGS))))) to you.<P>Second, this is a good place to be. Not all of us just popped in here and decided that we were ok with our divorces. Some of us didn't take as long, some took longer. That doesn't make you not belong.<P>If you are having problems coping with a divorce, this is a good place to be.<P>We all care,<BR>Mitzi

Dear Discarded,<P>I just wanted to let you know that I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I can relate to how you feel, except to the best of my knowledge there is no one my H is leaving me for -- he just wants to leave. He tells me he's not coming back -- ever. I know just how bad it hurts, believe me. <P>Do keep coming back here. There's lots of love and support here. Even though you may not always hear exactly what you want to, I've learned that there is a lot of wisdom here, too.<P>Hang in there, sweetie. We're all in this together.<P>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

YOu know discarded, you need to really think about what you want. All your posts talk about what your daughter wants, what your H wants. If you want to drag your H and his OW thru an ugly divorce so be it, if you don't than don't. You don't want the divorce than don't do it let him file, unless there is some benefit to filing first. Does it really change anything if you are divorced or not? The OW is willing to settle for things right now, but who knows for how long. In the meantime you go on with your life. Try and put OW and H out of your mind you are just driving yourself crazy. Do not contact the OW. It makes you look pathetic and feel worse than you already do.<P>As for your H and his friendship talk makes me want to puke! He is using that line to relieve his guilt don't fall for it. You and he will never be friends' friends don't treat each other the way he has treated your<P>He may or may not come back who knows what the future holds. But you have to take back the power in this situation. Stop giving it to the OW, H and your daughter. YOu and you alone should be making decisions about your life.<BR>

Also discarded, you might want to look at the DivorceBusters site <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com." TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.com.</A> There are a couple woman there who are in situations similar to yours. It is a very good site as is this one. Keep posting here there are many great people who can provide support.<P>

Discarded,<BR>TMD said:<BR>"All your posts talk about what your daughter<BR>wants, what your H wants. If you want to drag your H and his OW thru an ugly divorce so be it, if you don't than don't."<P>This might be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do. You've spent your life focused on your husband's needs. It must hurt a great deal to find out he hasn't focused on yours. This attitude has been passed to your daughter now too apparently. I'm sure both of them are used to you just stepping out of the way and doing whatever it is they want. This is YOUR life. Now is your opportunity to do what is right for you for a change. <P>Also: "But you have to take back the power in this situation. Stop giving it to the OW, H and your daughter. YOu and you alone should be making decisions about your life." <P>YES, YES, YES. <P>Oh, one more thing. If you come here for awhile, you'll see that other people's wayward spouses (WS) cop the same, or similar line, as your H. It is a crock. One of the benefits of coming here is really seeing the patterns people go through and understanding that you are not alone. <P>There is absolutely no reason why your H could not have put forth the same effort he spent wooing the OW, into your marriage. He didn't feel like it apparently, and it has nothing to do with you. He's the one missing out. He's the one who has disgraced himself. If the OW wants sloppy seconds, then that is her choice, I guess.

I read this and I don't think I belong here either..My h's affair of 9 years has been his job (that has taken him away from home..<BR>and his drinking) How does one compete w/ that? I finally got to the point that I told him take the job...and don't bother coming home anymore, NOW he decides it's time to<BR>start looking for another job so he can be home and work on the marriage..I wonder if I should have just filed for divorce instead of saying anything at all...because I don't even know this man..and I don't want him to be here Now that HE thinks its time for him to be here..our kids have stated many times that<BR>it doesn't even feel like he's a part of the family..and why do I want to stay w/ someone<BR>who has such little regard for how I have felt for the past 9 years of being alone..that he doesn't even answer a simple question in an e-mail..If I had the money right now to file, I'd do it..and get off this emotional roller coaster..