As some of you know I am a recoveing alcoholic and have been for 8 years. Will today I was reading one of my daily mediataion books and it talked about loving others with out expectations and that if we can do this we will recieve at least some love back in return.<P>Will I am going to try and take this approach with my wife. I have no clue whether I will be able to practice this approach but maybe if I can something will click for her!<P>I do find it hard to be loving when there is no positive feedback but I will try anything to try and make this marriage work.<P>Have a great day<P>Ted

I've tried it in the past. With my x is has worked sometimes. Other times, it's backfired. But I believe that was his guilt talking. Go for it. If nothing else, it will do your heart good to know that you are attempting to have the most positive relationship possible. It's not been something I could keep up because x blows up at me so often. I have been told, by my therapist and children's two therapists, to stay away from him and speak to him as little as possible. Gives him less chance to beat me up with his words and attitude.<P>By the way, congratulations on your 8 birthdays. <p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited September 11, 2000).]

Dear Ted,<P>First of all, congratulations on being sober for 8 years! That is totally awesome! That has to give you a wonderful feeling of accomplishment in itself.<P>As far as giving love with no expectation of anything in return? Yes, that's my understanding of what happens when someone is administering Plan A. They put their "giver" into overdrive (without becoming the proverbial "doormat", of course). The thing you have to keep in mind is that it may take a lot of giving before something "clicks" for your W. You may start to get some positive returns little by little -- just keep going.<P>By all means, yes, give it a try. Just know that you will have to keep it up and be consistent for a lifetime. If and when she starts responding, that's not the time to quit -- it means it's working and, as I've heard many others here at MB say, don't do anything that you can't reasonably keep doing for the rest of your life.<P>Best of luck to you. Let us know how it's going.<P>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>

Ted,<P>I have 4 years in the other fellowship...I just love my daily meditation book....<BR>You know the saying...It works if you work it...<P>Bill

Ted, Congratulations on your 8 years, that is really terrific! I think I've chatted with you before about my h who is an alcoholic but refuses to give it up. If I may ask....what finally made you seek help? My divorce is due to be final September 25 and h called this past weekend asking for another chance. Says he can't take life without me and his sons, says he'll go to counseling but says nothing about giving up alcohol. H came over last night and he is still drinking, although he drank less. He says he can handle drinking 3 or 4 beers and not changing his personality or getting drunk. I know he is only kidding himself but how do I get him to see this? He wants me to call of divorce, and time is running out. I don't want to be divorced, I love him but I don't want to live like that anymore. How does one go on living with that until he is ready to give it up on his own? Is it possible to work out other problems with his drinking problem?

I suppose anything is possible but in my opnion one must stop before other issues can be worked out. I would suggest Al-Anon for you and possible counseling.<P>I quit because I was in trouble, I don't know any alcoholic's that just quit because they get tired of it! <P>If he is truely alcoholic he needs to be abstinent from alcohol and other drugs. By having 3-4 he is kidding himself.<P>Best wishes and pray for assistance for your husband.

HurtinginOmaha,<P>In the Bible I think it is called "unconditional love" or "perfect love". The best example of it? Jesus dying on the cross - Here this "man" knew that what He was doing was for men and women who could care less for His well-being. But He allowed Himself to die on a cross (can you imagine the physical pain?) for these people and their decendents. I don't think we can ever achieve that level of love, but in trying we are destined to succeed.<P>If a divorce comes your way, you will at least be able to wake up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and know that you did all you could to make the marriage work.<P>Is it easy? Not in the least. Is it worth it? I believe so.