I'm so tired...<BR>of the emotional rollercoaster.<BR>of the constant feelings of pain.<BR>of loving and missing my wife.<BR>of sleeping alone, reaching out and not finding her there.<BR>of wondering how she is and what she's doing and knowing its none of my business to ask.<BR>of dwelling in the past.<BR>of the what ifs and whys.<BR>of trying to find answers and not getting any.<BR>of not being able to move on.<BR>of constantly feeling that I haven't done enough when I know there's nothing else I can do.<BR>of having my heart skip a beat when I see her and not being able to tell her I love her still, knowing it'll only be met with anger on her part.<BR>of not being able to share things our daughter does because she's not interested in hearing about my day with our daughter.<BR>of the constant, ever present ache that I will never share another happy moment with my wife again.<BR>of these feelings of worthlessness.<BR>of the loneliness.<BR>of not being able to let go.<BR>Sorry, just venting a bit. I really want to move on, I think I'm ready to but I just don't know how to go about doing so. It's so hard just to get up in the morning, go to work and come home to what? Whats the point? You know after a while people say it'll get easier, I hope that's true. My D day hasn't arrived yet but it's looming on the horizon, I'll bet anything that'll be the day I reach my lowest point, maybe after then I can begin to climb out of this, I can only hope. Jax

Hey Jax,<P>My thoughts EXACTLY...I too am very, very tired...all the time. It's really taking it's tole on me.<P>The weekends are the hardest for me. I don't have any kids, just some great pets, but sometimes I find myself just staring at the wall on a Saturday night remembering....and wondering if this is now what my life is going to be like....<P>I hope that thot too will pass. My prayers are with you....<P>I'll hang in there if you will....<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Its a deal Mrs O, some of my best memories of my marriage were lived over there in Hawaii. My soon to be x mother in law used to live on Oahu. It sure is beautiful there. Take care of yourself. Jax.

I know all too well that all of this is hard on a persons mind, body and soul. Keep the things that you cherish in your life and use them to help you find the strength to keep going. Hold your daughter close as a happy thought. Things will get better. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. My thoughts will be with you. -Java

Jax,<P>There was a time when I couldn't have said that better myself! About the missing the ex and wondering how they're doing.<P>I still miss ex every once in a while. Usually in a moment of weakness and temporary insanity but it happens.<P>When the time is right for you to move on, you'll know it. You'll feel it in your heart. When the ex stops consuming most of your thoughts and life, even as they are gone. When that time is right, you'll know it. ITs different for all of us though.<P>Its OK to miss them, and miss our old life. But its also ok to be alive and live again. Find things that give you purpose in this world. Think about hobbies, old friends, anything you did before you were married that gave you hope and start there and draw some strength from it.<P>Its hard to go on when you let someone be the center of your world for so long. The truth is , love is a wonderful thing and it shouldn't hurt this much. Yet its not good to let one person have THAT much control over our lives that when they're gone , its hard to go on.<P>In a perfect world, that might be, right?? I know I won't ever give that much of me to someone again.<P>It gets better. Then the roller coaster begins and you go up and down over and over, almost like life. But one day, you'll find the happiness you deserve.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Thanks all, I appreciate the encouragement. Dana I hear what you're saying, and you're right it shouldn't hurt this much, but when the love was returned it was so fulfilling and I'm worried that I will never be able to love someone else like this again and thus dooming us both to a half [censored] existance simply because of what my ex has done. But I guess as you say that just leads to the statement that no one person should have so much control over our lives. I guess if you let them they will. I know I have to move on and I'm trying but God its hard. Thanks again. Jax

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

Just look at my name here on the board - sotired2000. This year has been exhausting both physically and emotionally.<P>Has it gotten easier? Yes and No. The anger and pain have subsided, but the lonliness and sorrow still thrive. Not lonliness for friends and family - I have plenty of that, rather the lonliness of a true "best friend" that you share everything with.<P>But try not to get in the mindset that you will never "give" to someone that much again - As Mr. Tony Robbins puts it "The past does not equal the future". Loving is alot about giving - If you begin to harbor the belief that you can never be that honest again with someone you love in the future, you are only hurting yourself.<P>Get some rest. I think we all need it.<P>...how about how I wake up in the middle of the night "accidently" on her side of the bed and have to instantly move over - why? I have no idea.

Jax,<P>Once you can live with what has happened, and forgive yourself and your ex, you can heal. <P>You will be capable of loving again. Guess what, not only will you be capable, you'll be stonger, smarter and be able to love even more because you will have a knowledge of MB to apply it to your relationship.<P>I didn't think I could love again. Guess what. I was wrong. Although we are not together any more , I did begin to fall in love and it was a wonderful feeling. Unforunately, timing is everything and wasn't on my side, but I know now, that I can love again, I won't love as hard as I did, because I was too much a giver the first time around.<P>I'm learning how to "take" a little and find a happy medium.<P>Yes the OLD ex , the one we fell in love with, was very fulfilling. Maybe for the wrong reasons, who knows. We may have met them while they were on a rebound, or were needy and clingy and rushed with us too much. They and we were young , immature, inexperienced, and fell in love without fear or boundaries. In that respect, it wasn't as scary as getting out there now.<P>Realistically, we all grow apart and at different levels of maturity. I do believe some of us just grow up differently and we as a couple isn't what it was when we first got together.<P>Things change, houses, cars, careers, money, it goes on and on. Life changes, and people come and go in our lives. Be thankful for the good times you had, and remember that there WILL BE MORE TO COME, and thats for sure!!<P>By the way, I don't know that you ever lose that "tired" feeling, I've felt that way, even thru meeting new people for months now.<P>Its an emotional exhaustion that is so hard to break free from.<P>Prayers and hugs, Dana<BR>