For 19 years, I thought my H and I shared much of the same child rearing philosophy - he was supportive of breastfeeding, close family bonds, etc. Why didn't someone tell me many years ago that when your H leaves you for another woman, everything he believed about family is thrown out the window, and he will spend the rest of his life making your life a living h*** trying to force you to conform to HER child rearing philosophy?<P>He can do whatever he wants with the kids, he can tell them he doesn't know when he will pick them up for visitation because it depends on when he wakes up, he can call them 3 or 4 times in a year and a half and then complain to them that they never call him, he can make it perfectly clear that he views visitation as a privilege to be withdrawn if they don't behave the way he wants them to. <P>My H and I rarely had disagreements about child rearing issues when he was here. I should NOT have to co-parent with someone I have never even met. I don't give a d*** how she thinks kids should be raised, and heaven knows I don't think she is raising her kids right, among other things allowing a married man to move into her home, but also the way her kids seem to have little interaction with each other. Why would anyone marry, knowing that when the almost inevitable infidelity and separation/divorce occur, the non-custodial spouse will try his best to complete change the way the children have been raised?

I don't know what to say Nellie. You must be absolutely exhausted. I know how much you love your children and it has to be something close to hell on earth to have to be going through this. <P>My sister has been divorced for about 5-6 years now. She has fought her ex every step of the way. He also married one of the women he cheated on her with. This woman many, many times made blatant attempts to alienate my niece from my sister. It took my sister about two years to document enough evidence to take them (her mainly) to court for interference, which my sister won. For the first two-three years, I think she was just too tired and broken down to fight back. Even things like "you shouldn't live with your mommy, you should live here" count as interference. <P>In some ways, you might consider yourself thankful that your ex doesn't want to see them as much. Your kids are not exposed to his new "lifestyle" as often. What must hurt them the most is his rejection, but he did that the day he decided to run off with the OW. <P>After everything he has done, he has every reason to believe that you and the kids wouldn't love him. Except, now he is using that as an excuse to stop trying. If he was the kind of person who could face his faults and work on them, he wouldn't be with the OW.

TheStudent,<P>Yes, I am exhausted. <P>My theory is that my H keeps hoping that if he can only somehow make sure the kids do nothing that annoys the OW or her kids, and conform to all her expectations, that she will stop giving him a hard time and allow the kids to spend more time with him. <P>Apparently our little one, who is such an easy child at home, is not quite so easy there. Somehow I am supposed to fix that.

Nellie,<BR>My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your children. This IS exhausting. <BR>Co-parenting is such a bunch of ##### when one is dealing with a parent who has lost all sense of parenting/responsibility/ etc. ......and looks to the custodial parent to blame for all the problems/issues etc which are not dealt with in terms of the children.... and everything else.<P>Can you not just stop asking him about anything in terms of the kids and make all the decisions yourself and then if he wants to be involved, it is up to him to find the manner in which to do this. <P>By even discussing kids issues (and I do not mean visitation arrangements) you really are enabling him as a co-parent..and then you are having to deal with the roadblocks he puts in your way in terms of solid decision making which you can make without him. If he is "left out of the loop" then would this not be easier for you????<P>You have stated that he is unemployed and paying very little.....but really this is where he is still controlling you and pushing your buttons. PLease think about trying to plan B himfor this.....for your children and your sake.<P>

Dear Nellie,<BR> You remind me so much of my mom.....<BR>You still love your husband as my ma always did in the face of incredible cruelty. My pa was a real louse. I got into physical fitness at a very early age for a very sad reason. I wanted to be able to deck the bas**** when he physically attacked my mom as he did regularly. I felt SO helpless as a child when I tried to step between them, only to be shoved aside. I vowed to myself to get as strong as I could, as soon as I could, cus I SO wanted to protect my mom. (isn't that an awful position to put a kid in?) Long story, short......by age 16, I was 6 foot one, 195 lb and I knocked his a** out cold one night. And it wasnt easy because he was not a drunk......just a nasty SOB. Might have been just a lucky punch.....but I broke his nose....and he kinda mellowed out after that. Can ya believe, years later, my ma asked me to visit him in the hospital as he lay dying? I did it for her, but I felt (and still feel) nothing but contempt for the b******.<P> It's really kind of amazing I turned out so great.....considering my childhood....LOL<BR>I do thank dad for the early interest in fitness.....I'm still 6-1, 195 lb at age forty d*** seven!<P> So Nellie, You can keep loving the jerk if ya want to......but your children are gonna remember his s*** and he WILL regret it, I promise, mine did. But the good news is, if you're half the mom mine was/is, (and I KNOW you are) those 6 young uns are gonna do you PROUD!<P> Please Nellie, try not to get too discouraged. You've got the the toughest and most important job there is......raising our next generation! I'll be prayin for you and yours.<P>Good luck, lady<BR>Bill

willbok,<P>We are legally required to involve each other in educational and medical decisions, and there has been disagreements about many of those issues, but I don't bring up much else in the way of kid issues with him, he just starts complaining spontaneously and trying to tell me what to do, usually associated with our children not acting as he wants them to. And then he does things like tell the kids that if they feel they have to call me when they are staying with him, maybe they shouldn't stay with him at all. <P>XMAN,<P>I am sorry to hear about your terrible childhood. That must have been horrible to go through.<P>Our two oldest are not speaking to their father. Not too long after he left, I said something about being afraid that he had lost our daughter - and he said something to the effect that she had done the losing. How can he regret it when he blames it all on me or on the kids? He seems to believe that the relationship between him and the kids is entirely their responsibility, and any problems are not his fault.<P>Thanks for your support. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 17, 2000).]

Blessings don't always come in the form that is easily recognizable as a blessing, but I do think that you have one. Not that your H has apparently abandoned your children, but that he has little contact, and the OW has little influence on your children's lives. No, this isn't a good situation, but given the alternatives, I think that this is the lesser of all evils. <P>She could be meddling and interfering and wanting to take your children away from you. He could be bad-mouthing you to them and using them as pawns. Although the pain of having their father abandon them is bad, it is something he alone will have to shoulder the responsibility for. Your children still have you as a stabilizing influence.<P>My STBX is my daughter's step father. I didn't expect him to be her dad because he is not. However, I saw that he didn't have the same devotion to family that I did, didn't treat his dog like someone to be loved, and I didn't think he would make a good father. I didn't want to be stuck with rearing a child alone (it's hard work), so we didn't have children. Fortunately for me that ended up being a good choice because the SOB went out and got some other woman pregnant and has nothing to do with that child after saying how important it was for him to have "family". (We weren't family?) <P>Anyway, I think for some people, it isn't about being parents or rearing children to be happy, responsible person in society. It's more about proving their virility, not growing old alone, or having a namesake. Some people just shouldn't be parents. Maybe your H (like mine) is one of them.

Popeye is right, sometimes it IS better if they are uninvolved. I understand alot of how you feel because my situation is similar. My ex quit his job and has not been paying child support. He sees the kids a handful of times per year and hardly calls them. His girlfriend that he lives with wants him to cut off all ties with his kids and his parents/siblings. However, I am lucky to have the support of HIS family because they are sickened by his behavior and feel his girlfriend is distructive and evil. So for my kids sake, it's better that he isn't very involved because of what he would subject the kids too. About a month ago one of his brothers got married and my kids went to the wedding with his family (he didn't invite them). He was there with his girlfriend. At the end of the wedding my daughter asked him when she would get to see him again. He couldn't/wouldn't give her an answer and she got very upset. Started crying and was very emotional (7 yrs. old). His brothers told me the pain of watching this about killed them. Now she hasn't seen him since and when he stays away she's back to the well adjusted loving kid. When he does seem them it's an emotional rollercoaster. Although he has joint legal custody I don't allow or ask him to make any decisions in their lives. Heck, what would a Judge say if he argued it? A dead beat dad that doesn't pay his child support or use his visitation? Please!