I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but this was the closest. I'm on the verge of divorcing my wife. She is a wonderful mother, a wonderful person, very caring, a counseling attitude. But...our marriage has been deteriorating. We have all the "love busters". Can our marriage work? Probably. The problem is that I'm not sure I want to make it work. I loved a woman before my wife. She broke off our engagement and it hurt me bad. I met a girl I dated in HS, my wife, and new that she was a wonderful person. But I did not love her. I thought that marriage for love wasn't realistic, that you just married a good person and worked hard to make it last. I prayed so hard that I would learn to love her, that God would help me fall in love with her. I haven't, for whatever reason. Now my old flame is back in my live. All I've done is talk to her but I know that I love her. But I know that divorcing my wife is wrong. I have three wonderful children. But I don't love her. I'm ashamed that I feel this way. I feel so terrible. I want to be a Godly man, a Godly husband so badly. But I can't help how I feel. Please pray for me.

Marine,<BR>Have you read "Surviving AN Affair"? The author suggests that love is conditional,and that when we experience romantic love it is because our spouses have made "love deposits".Perhaps your wife is not meeting your emotional needs.In SAA I believe there is a questionerre to help you decide what needs you have.I will pray for you,your wife and children are the most important relationships you have.Take care,bethn<BR>

I pray regularly for the people who open up and share their pain on this site. I've been through the pain of a less than desirable marriage. I see in my children every day some of the aftermath or that. <P>If you have a pastor or minister, I recommend you start by talking with them. Unfortunately, I didn't have a husband who included me when he was in his deepest pain and, by the time I realized how badly we needed help, he was already shut down too badly to open up and receive help. I found that effective therapy necessitated taking a long, hard look at myself. It wasn't fun and it wasn't easy, but it is worth it.<P>Personally, I recommend that you run - don't walk - from the potential other woman. <P>If you see that your marriage is in trouble, start reading Harley's material and get to work. One person can't save a marriage but one person can end one.

I have read some of Dr Harley's books. Tried to get my wife to read them but she wouldn't until she found out that I had called this other woman. She got even more discouraged after reading "His Needs Her Needs" and after our first counseling session. She hasn't met my needs but I have probably done an even worse job off meeting her needs. I will break off contact with this other woman. I don't want to. If it were up to me, I would marry her now and I know she'd marry me. I also know that there would be problems, even more than now. But I also know that I loved her and always have and I am so ashamed that I don't feel this way for my wife. But I will break off contact with her. As much as I hate to I see that I have to. I know that I need to do the right thing. I just feel that the only reason I am is out of a sense of obligation, not out of a real desire to make things work.

Marine,<P>I give you credit for your thoughts. Although confused you still want to do what is right. Unfortunately that is most often the hardest thing to do. My outlook on marriage is based upon my Christian upbringing, so that is what I go by - I truly believe that God only intended us to marry once. That marriage was not a place to "walk in the roses" everyday or to be "in love" all the time. I am lucky to have several aunts and uncles who have been married close to or over 50 years (almost considered to be an oddity in our society anymore). When you ask them about their marriages, they often don't say "we had good days and bad days, they say we had some good years and bad years. And they all agree that it takes work and love. A couple of them even went as far to say that there were years that they did not feel "in love" but that they knew those feelings often come and go and that they were determined to keep their vows to this person they loved.<P>What may look gloomy now, may change drastically over the next few weeks, months, years. Beyond my religious beliefs I believe in commitment and keeping your word. It sounds like you do as well. Just remember that keeping your word is always easy when your life is on "easy street", its when things get tough that you find out if you can "walk your talk".<P>Don't know if this helps or not. But I do agree with cinderella that you should break off completely, any contact with this OW. You owe it to your wife, to yourself and to God.<P>Be strong.

Marine,<P>I was just wondering.. you said in your top post, that this other woman broke your engagment.. may I ask for what reason?? <P>And to please think about what you are feeling and what this might do to every one involved.. it is not just your wife, it is also your kids as well too.. and is this other woman worth the chance that this may NOT! work out for the both of you and then you have not only lost the TRUE love of your life AGAIN, but also the woman (your wife) that has dedicated yrs of love and devotion and given birth to your children who look up to you, and adore you, and would never think anything like this could ever happen.. I would think, how you felt back then.. the HURT you mentioned, can not be half as bad as this will inflict upon the ones that love you the most..<P>the chances of you and the OW working out, may be slim.. are you willing to take that chance???? everything that had happened in your Past younger years may all come back to haunt you, and you may be just as devastated this time, or wourse, by ruining your entire marriage over a *maybe*.. <P>sit and think about that, over any past/present feelings that are arrousing in you.. is it lust, or love.. love takes alot more time to develope then lust.. lust is instant, love is an erternity.. <P>you are taking all the bonding that has grown in your family, and all the past memories and times you have shared together which is already there, and just throwing it away on a chance.. this OW may have come at an opportune time, because perhaps in your life, things are not going so well for you and your wife, yes.. but is that reason to give it all up, on a chance??<P>I would really sit and think long and hard about this..<P>AV

Marine,<P>Are you in the Corp.? Just curious.<P>Have you read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank> Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley? This IMHO is the best book he has. I learned more from it than the others.<P>He describes <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> very thouroughly by showing exactly what constitues <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>.<P>I'll try to comment more later.<P>Bill<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited September 18, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited September 18, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited September 18, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited September 18, 2000).]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. My dad said exactly the same thing. Although I don't always like how he says it, he's just about always right, as I'm sure you both are in this instance. I haven't called it quits although I have broken my wife's heart by telling her the truth. And it isn't that I don't love my wife, its just that I don't and never have felt a real emotion sort of love. Not real sure if I can and she says she not sure if she wants it any other way. I don't think she has given up either but not sure if she wants to put in the effort it will take now that it seems I've screwed things up. But I am going to see the chaplain on Thursday to see about some continued support. Again thanks for the words of encouragement.

In answer to your question, she said at the time I wasn't sensitive enough. Not sure if I'm any better now, just that now I'm aware of my faults. Not sure how well I'm doing at correcting them but at least I'm aware of them. As far as it being lust, I don't think its that. Its more that we talk. We always did. We talked all the time. I think that is what I missed the most about our relationship. And yes I am very concerned about throwing everything away on a "maybe" but the problems between my wife and I were already there. She had already threatened to leave me this summer before I ever contacted the OW and it wasn't the first time she had threatened to leave. But in her defense, she was only doing it to get a response from me, just that it's hard to hear that and not thing that maybe I ought to say ok, leave. But, just keep praying for us. Things are over yet. They dont look good but I will at least not communicate anymore with the OW. Thanks.

Yes I am in the Corps. I'm a geo bachelor right now. I did read or read most of "Love Busters". Great book. I also read "His Needs Her Needs", wish my wife would have read it when I suggested it but she gave me more credit than I deserved.

Marine,<P>I don't know how your wife feels about the "truth" thing, but I sure wish my X had told me the truth. I prefer knowing what I'm up against. The constant lying was what got to me in the end (4 years after discovery of the affair and <B>knowing</B> about it). <P>If you didn't feel any "love" for your wife, then you would not be here at this forum. You may think, IMHO, that all you feel for her is obligation to do what is right, but what you are <B>trying</B> to find is a way back to her. Otherwise you wouldn't have found your way here. What you feel for the OW may very well be based on a fantasy......that is not to say that love is a fantasy, but that what you remember of your love for the OW is overshadowing your feelings for your wife at this time. <BR>

I would encourage you to do what is necessary to save the marriage. We all go through time whhen we are not in love or do not feel love in our marriages.<P>My opnion comes from being a counselor and my belief that marriage is a sacred union. Get in to see your pastor or a good counselor ASAP. If wife comes that would be great!