.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

Hi - <P>I feel like I might have been insensitive to the fact that SHE IS FACING A HURRICANE and here I go venting on her post. Sometimes I'm ashamed of myself!<P>A lot of your posts are identical to my own situation. This all gets to be so stereotypical and predictable. My H didn't used to say bad things to the kids (I don't think) until lately when they asked him why he's getting a divorce. Then he gave them a pile of crud and made it all my fault and told them all I see is dollar signs when I look at him. WHAT!! I think he's got me confused with someone else, and he's living with her. It gets really hard. All I can say is that's not true and I don't know why he'd say that.<P>Anyway, it's sickening. He the one who's been sleeping with whatever winked at him. He's the one who put me at risk. He's the one who never talks to his own children. Won't say a word to me. He's the one who just quit his job to attempt to screw me over. It's all my fault, like somehow I must have missed a day of making beds or something to deserve this. I know it's more than that, and I don't deny that I have some fault - but our loss of things in our marriage stemmed from his ongoing cheating from day one (I said I do, and he kept right on dating). He's been a very good liar for 20 years because it took me that long to catch on. I just feel stupid.<P>I haven't been posting lately because I just don't know what to say anymore. My thoughts and emotions run the gammit! For a while, I thought how cool that I can actually date again! Now I feel like The Student, and would rather just be celibate and forget it. Then the next week I'm thinking totally differently - I must be psycho.<P>Oh well, I still pray for his soul at least. Sometimes I still miss him, but it's not him I miss - it's who I thought he was that he really wasn't. That is so hard to admit that I miss him, but I do because we've been married a long time and it just doesn't go away over night. Sometimes the original shock comes back all over again. Like I said, I feel psycho sometimes.<P>What state do you live in? I hope they are good to at-homers. I know it won't be easy when it's over, but in time you see that it's not impossible. I hope you have family and some close friends helping you out. I actually have only one friend because he moved me out of state before he did this, but it's ok because I've straightened out my own head and am ready to do what it takes. The fear is subsiding some.<P>Hold on, you'll get better. Stay tough and hold your ground. Take care, God bless<P>(P.S. I was here when you posted, but it takes me forever to type something out!!)<P>------------------<P>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited September 16, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

Hi again-<P>A timeline sounds like that would be my whole story thing again - ooohh, how painful. I don't know if I could possibly go over it all! It's been so much that it's all a blur right now - he's done so many deceitful and nasty things that I can't remember it all anymore.<P>It's almost a year now from discovery, Oct. 6. Of course, back then when I found out he told me he was willing to keep up the house and bills and let me and the boys go on living just as we are so that I could stay home still and raise them, just he wouldn't be here. Well, stupid me decided I didn't like that deal and wanted to fight for the marriage. In retrospect, I wish I'd taken him up on it. He didn't want counseling and kept saying it couldn't be fixed. It also became apparent OW was NOT going to back off. He tried 3 times to convince me it was "over" (but it was never, they were just being sneakier). I caught him over and over again. Finally, he left February 3 this year and that was that. I got a lawyer and decided it my place to file, not his, so I did but did not have him served - it was just kinda out there in limbo. It was when he went to get a lawyer 3 weeks later that he found out I had already filed against him and HE WAS HURT about it (so his mom says!). He was being really nice and helpful at first. Doing things around the house, talking about the neighbor's junky car in the driveway as if he still lived here - but I would always find out later that he was STILL lying to me about most everything, even now. He lies to the kids constantly - I think he's pathological. He was weird the whole time because sometimes he was friendly, and then sometimes that distant guy who wouldn't talk to me. My teenage nephew got on his computer and pulled up a lot of interesting things that put the whole picture of my "real" husband together and the joke of a marriage I had all along. Now, it's me that has had it with him - I'm done and don't intend to be "friends" - he can talk to the hand (or the answering machine).<P>Visitation - he was coming over all the time to see the kids. Came to all my son's games. We even laughed and joked a lot there. At first he'd stay late and give the kids baths and put them to bed, then want to chat. Then by mid-June he started making excuses why he couldn't come, and when he did he wanted to leave soon (I don't know if OW was on his case). Now he just doesn't call or show up. My youngest resents him, the oldest is a little more forgiving - but in all, they are not doing too badly.<P>Tonight, he called and left a message and every time I hear his voice my heart breaks again - it's the same voice I've been hearing for 20 years and am used to. It's so hard. It'll be years before I get over him.<P>I think you mentioned that the OW would never get near your kids - you CAN prevent that only up until the divorce, after the divorce you haven't got any say in it anymore. If he's foolish enough to put them together tho, it will backfire on him. Kids can't handle that in their little minds. They may act like they're ok, but inside they will have strong resentment. A lot of people here have different opinions on how to handle the kids - I haven't done everything right I'm sure, but mine do know her name and that was when I caught my 8-year old hiding around corners listening when I was on the phone. He knows a lot unfortunately. I never intended it and don't want a rift between them and dad, but on the other hand I don't want them growing up in a "comfortable" divorce atmosphere that tells them divorce is ok. I need them to know that it is WRONG, but we don't hate people and should pray for them instead.<P>Just had my pre-trial Sept. 5 which was a joke - all we accomplished was that he informed my lawyer his job was terminated. So now I guess we're supposed to go to a mediator sometime end of this month or beginning of Oct. which is a joke too because we will not agree. This is going to trial and my lawyer said it should be over by the end of the year, like November, but with him not working I intend to stall and make it painful for OW to support him and his bills for a few months (which I heard I can do since I was the one who filed). The bad part is I have to tap an IRA of mine to keep the house out of foreclosure but I think I can outlast him if that's the game he's playing because he won't know how I'm doing it and will assume I've gotten a job so he doesn't have to pay alimony. HA HA.<P>I can't believe with all this I can still smile and visit with neighbors and have a relatively good existence. There are a lot of other women on this forum that have similar situations and same progression (or should I say regression) as us!<P>That's the generic. Very long. Sorry. Mine seems to have been a shooting star compared to most. Some people have been doing this for years, but I'm not the kind of person who could have lived with him doing this behind my back with my knowledge. I cannot be lied to. I don't handle it well and maybe that's why it fell apart so quickly, because I wasn't going to let him wipe his feet on me. I totally understand when you say you are bitter and angry, because I don't know how I'll ever forgive him either. I guess it'll be when I don't care anymore, when I have someone new, my own money, house, things - it won't be this horrible forever and I've heard that just when you are feeling really good and happy, that's about the time things start to cave in on them. Hope so. Talk to ya -<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

Ya know what? I also feel like jekyll and hyde!<P>I was doing ok at first. Thought I should be more distraught than I was when he left, but I was actually so relieved that all the lies were finally gone. I wanted to just get away from him, especially after I found out this particular affair was nothing special, just his normal operating procedure. Then I met someone in DivorceCare thru our church that I really liked who was being dumped on by his wife (he looked like Richard Gere - I know I keep saying it but it's true). I thought it was cool that I could actually date again! Well, I lost contact with him (but I don't think for good because he must live close and I've already seen him driving twice). So this gave me hope and I felt happy. Then I started to get sick and a had lot of yeast infections (which WERE because the tests said so) but I began thinking maybe my H gave me the "gift". Major depression because that put a brick wall up in front of me. Tested negative twice. BUT, on the internet I found out that people could have STD's and it could be so mild they don't even know it. Great. People have disagreed and told me I'd KNOW if I had something, but considering my H has been screwing around since forever, how do I know - I sit here all paranoid and freaking out that I may have a hidden disease, or afraid to ever meet someone new because they may have something they don't know about. Which might not be realistic and maybe I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. My pastor says he believes I'm still actually suffering from the shock of it all, even now.<P>Ok, well, now I feel like I don't ever want another relationship and can't understand how they jump from a long marriage straight into another relationship with someone else? It's beyond me how people can do that! It seems like it would be so draining, like you need space to breathe and just be yourself for once, you know, unattached to anyone. That's how I feel now. <P>But everytime I hear his voice, I break up. He truly has golden tones and I miss hearing him on a daily basis. I miss him, I hate him, I still love him, I still feel like I want to cuddle up next to him when I'm lonely, I feel like I want to hit him with a tennis racket. (Let's not even talk about what I'd really like to do to her). This is going to take a long time; and I've said it before, but it would be easier if he had past away instead of a divorce because still having to see him and deal with him because of the kids is sometimes agonizing.<P>So - how is you day? Would you like to vent back? I'm going to H's mother's in Ohio for the weekend, and he was miffed to hear that. Oh well. Can't wait until he has the balls to introduce Renee to his mother. His mom has some choice things to say to her and I wish I could be there.<P>Talk to ya.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Oh ya,<P>Are you still selling your house, or am I thinking of someone else?<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

I only want to go back home when I'm at my weakest, usually after seeing him or talking to him on the phone. When I don't have to deal with him, I'm fine and love where I live. My kids are doing great here, great friends and neighbors. Back home there's nothing for me but gang problems, drugs (altho I realize it's everywhere, doesn't seem to be a real big problem here), crime, etc. Not so here. So I want to stay and I will find a way. I'm not that far away from family, about 3 to 3-1/2 hours either direction. My sister calls me every day. I'd hate to see her phone bills. I will make it just fine one way or another. My only problem is daycare. It's like a dirty word to me. My kids have never seen it and have really only been babysat 3 times in their lives! I think the older they get, the easier that will be tho because they won't be looking so much for "care" as they will be looking for stuff to "do", so in that way the school latchkey program might work out ok. My youngest is 5 and still very clingy, so I'm trying to get alimony for a few years so he can get a little older. I mean, they've been moved out of state, lost their friends, family, grandparents, then their dad books, and now don't need to lose their mother too (after being attached to my hips every day of their lives so far). It's too much loss for them to handle. He's just too insensitive to their feelings (maybe he's never had a real connection to them either) to realize that I'm truly interested in their well-being first and foremost! It's got nothing to do with me not wanting to work like he says - that's ludicrous! Me not working was half his decision. It just makes me angry. Well, it's 1:22 a.m. - I can't sleep again like usual and just get way too deep into thought when I'm up this late.<P>As for "Richard" (his name is really Greg), I lost contact because we were both pretty upset. He was very attacted my way for the little time he was coming to DivorceCare, but I left it alone because there may always be the chance of his wife coming to her senses and I'd never get in the way. I don't know whatever happened. He knows where to find me if he wants to.<P>As for STD testing - how humiliating! So far I'm fine. But like I said, it's the fact that he was ALWAYS cheating that makes me worry and hypo. I don't think I'll ever relax. That's weird about all the infections tho, same thing happened to me. But now because I'm so thin and not as healthy, I dehydrate pretty easily (depending on how much crying I've been doing) and get urinary tract infections so easy, which of course need antibiotics which of course cause the other infections, so it's an endless cycle - and I'm getting so tired of it and just want my health back. So far, it's all been explainable - but in the back of my mind I worry. Man I need to stop talking about infections, like I'm a senior citizen talking about all my ailments or something. Anyway, need to sleep!<P>Talk to ya.<P>------------------<P>Kathy<P>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited September 19, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited September 20, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

Hi Trapped:<P> <P> Will keep checking.<P><BR>(Nevermind all this above, got it, sent you one back).<BR>------------------<P>Kathy<P>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited September 20, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited September 20, 2000).]