Hi! This is my first time posting a message on this board. I've been reading other posts for a while, and have appreciated and learned from some of the replies that have been given. I need some advice, and maybe to just vent a little.<BR>I have recently separated from my wife of 5 years. I've been out of the house since the first of May. We have 4 children between us, a 14 year old girl and 12 year old boy from her previous marriage that both live with us, a 14 year old girl from my previous marriage who lives with her mother about 300 miles from us, and my wife has a 22 year old son who was adopted out at birth. Our 14 year old girl has been tearing the family apart with her drug use, lying, stealing, runaways, and manipulation. My wife's first divorce was an ugly, ugly thing, and her ex is also a liar and manipulator. I've always thought that my wife has tried to make up to our kids for what a ****head their Dad has been by being too lenient with them, and they've never had to deal with the consequences of their actions. W has always wanted to deal with the children herself, and only wanted me to be involved with the "good" stuff. I was never assertive enough at the time, and didn't have the communication skills to get my point across to her, and to be able to talk to her without rearing up her defenses. She's been in denial about the problems, and now everything has come to a head. W had told me numerous times that she thought it would be easier for her to deal with the kids if I wasn't there. So I left, hoping that either things would be better for her, or she'd realize that my being there wasn't the problem. Since I left, the 14 year old has attempted suicide, stolen jewelry and other items from our house, has disapeared for 3 or 4 days at a time, and fires-up drugs. While I was still at home, we had her in a drug rehab program for 3 months, and she manipulated her way out of the system, and back to the house. My wife is no longer in denial, but the reality of it all has thrown her into periods of severe depression, where she is unable to deal with these events, and our separation. <BR>I've been seeing a counselor for the last 10 months. I started seeing him for a gambling addiction I developed to "escape my reality". He's been a Godsend to me, and has helped me to learn about myself and how I deal (or don't deal) with things. One thing that he's taught me is that with every heartache and sorrow that God let's you endure, He always gives to you a gift. Sometimes the gift isn't obvious, and it can take a while to find it. I've been using my time away to learn more about myself and improve my life skills by keeping a journal of what I'm going through inside of myself. I've been reading every book and internet article I can find on communication skills, co-dependecy, relationship skills, step-parenting, and depression and how to deal with depression in others. I'm learning a lot, and realize that I've still got a lot more to learn. This marriage builders site has been one of the best sources of useful info I've found, and has made me realize some of the things I didn't do right in the past that helped to create some of the problems we're facing. One of the biggest threads that runs through most of what I've read through all the books I've read is the absolute importance of recreational time together, away from family problems and other distractions. Unfortunately, with everything that's going on, this seems impossible at this time. My W feels that she has to deal with our daughter on her own, and between doing that and dealing with her depression, there's nothing left of her. The "co-dependent" side of me wants to take care of her problems for her, but the rational side of me knows that she needs to take care of it her own way. I offer and give her my help when I can, but there are certain choices she makes that I can't support without crossing my own personal boundaries. If I were to move back home right now, I wouldn't be able to stand by and let things happen the way they are going, and it would drive us farther apart.<BR>My wife and I still love each other. We've talked about selling the house, but neither one of us has mentioned getting a divorce. I was hoping that by now our daughter would either be straightend out, are she would be gone somewhere where she could get the help she needs, but that's not the case. I'm trying to support my wife and let her know as much as I can that I still love her. I am having a hard time maintaining the distance I need to keep to let her work some things out on her own without slowly falling out of love with her. I feel so much anger and frustration at times that I seriously think about filing the divorce papers so I can just get on with my life. Maybe things will work out for us in a few years. I also feel that this tough period of our lives is something that going through together will help to strengthen our marriage. I'm just not sure what to do, my thoughts can change from day to day, or hour to hour.<BR>Thanks for listening to me. I find that writing down some of my thoughts and feelings help to release some of the pain. I also find that sometimes friends will listen to you and tend to agree with you, where only your best friends will tell you it's time to get it together. I've rambled on enough for now. I'm a two-finger typer, and it seems like this has taken me forever. Time to get on with my life. Thanks again.

Hi there,<P>That was long, and sad, I'm sorry for you both. I don't look forward to raising my two boys as teenagers alone. Mine are little and I don't have the experience to really offer anything. I think there are others here that might have better insight. I just think that if you love your wife, there's no better time to show how much than when trouble is hitting hard. If you turn and leave, I don't think there will be a chance in he** of ever getting her back later on. Sometimes kids who are out of control just need to feel the consequences and not be rescued from it (not that I think that's what you all are doing, just a thought). No rescuing them. It seems to me you've tried to get D help and she blew it off, so she's just gonna have to learn the hard way.<P>The tough times are where you learn what you're made of, and what your marriage is made of - I say don't run from it. Life WAS supposed to be easy, but then Adam & Eve bit the apple and look where we are now. your wife will remember later on when the tough years are past how you left without a fight, and it won't be retrievable then.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

I agree with you that children do need to deal with the consequences of their actions, and that is one area where W and I disagreed. A common reply to me when their behavior needed to be dealt with was "they're just kids", and consequences weren't enforced. I dealt with it by just letting it go, and having the anger build up inside of me, which was the wrong thing for me to do. <BR>W and I grew farther apart because of this. Whenever we tried to talk about these issues, we communicated in an "I'm right, you're wrong" style, instead of really listening to each other and learning. Both of our defenses put up a wall between us.<BR>I'm not sure if me living away from home is the right or wrong thing to do. It might seem like I'm running away from the problem, but deep in my heart I don't see it as that. I was there every day for her for a week when D was in hospital after the suicide attempt. I couldn't let W go through it alone, and even though she didn't ask me to be there, she appreciated it. <BR>W is very adamant about doing things her way in this situation, and I have to respect her choice. However, I can't live with the consequences of these choices. She has to decide for herself what needs to be done about D without me pushing her in a direction she's not comfortable with yet. I talk to her on the phone at least every couple of days to see how she's doing, and I'll always be there for her when she needs me.<BR>Yesterday was a very hard day for us both. Up until now, I've taken a minimal amount of things from the house, just stuff I needed day to day. After losing a computer scanner, golf bag, chain saw, and other misc. items, I decided to take anything of mine with value, so none of it would get pawned for drug money. There's not much of mine left there now, and it just feels wierd.