Three weeks ago, my wife of 26 years just walked out. She called me at work and said she wasn't coming home anymore. She said it was nothing I had done, that she was treated like a queen and couldn't have it any better. She was taking Paxil for the last two years for depression. Before that, wellbutrin and others. For the last two years we have both been working two jobs. It was necessary because of a reassignment at my full time job which resulted in a substantial loss of pay. Also because my wife could not stop spending money shopping. She has maxed out our credit cards, and put us deep in debt. When she left I had no idea where she was. I found her though and she was staying in an apartment with a guy I do not know. Apparently she befriended him while working at her part-time job. He was recently divorced and so was living by himself. She says the only reason she went there was that she wanted to go somewhere I couldn't find her. She says there is nothing sexual between them and I believe that, at least I don't think anything has happened yet. Before you think yeah right, I'll explain. Having seen her a couple times since she left and talked to her numerous times on the phone, there is definitely something wrong with her. Right from the start when I asked what was wrong, she just said "I just don't want any responsibilities, I don't want anything or anybody. I just want to go to work and exist". I asked her straight out if she was having sex with this guy. She responded without hesitation, are you crazy, I'm not going to get any diseases or anything, give me a little more credit than that.<br>She looks nothing like the last time I saw her at home. She is totally expressionless, speaks in monotone, and unresponsive. I saw her at her workplace and tried to kiss her. I looked into her eyes and there was nothing there. Blank, void, almost like looking into a dead person's eyes. My 17 year old son met her at the mall because she will not come home and he wouldn't go where she is staying. When he came home, he said to me, "Dad, I don't know who that was, it's not my mom".<br>Anyone else that knows her and has talked to her says the same thing, she's like a robot, with no emotions. Like I said we have had numerous phone conversations. Obviously the first few were me crying and begging because I had no clue what was going on. It was only after seeing her and talking to her that I knew something was drastically wrong. She told me that she had stopped taking all her medications about two weeks before she left. She had also been going to the doctors for some type of sleep disorder, rapid weight gain and joint aches. and stopped taking the medications for those too. She said nothing the doctors were giving her were doing any good. She has been battling a weight problem for years and this is the thing that bothers her most. She was eating right and exercising but kept putting on more and more weight. She was very frustrated. About five days before she left she stopped eating altogether. She just wouldn't eat anything at all. I offered to make her anything she wanted. After she left she started eating again and now is eating everything in sight. Everytime I talk to her it is hard to understand her because she is eating while we are talking. I went to our doctor and when he heard the way she was acting and my description of her, he tried to get her to come right in but she refused. Her answers to every question I ask are the same, I don't know, I don't think so, or outright no. I asked her if there was any reason she couldn't come home, she said "no". I then asked her if there was any reason she didn't want to come home. Again the answer was no. So I say, then come home, and the answer is I don't think so. All she tells me is that I must go on and take care of our son, that he needs me. I have asked her numerous times if she wants this other guy. The answer is always, "I don't want anybody or need anybody".<br> <br>She took nothing with her when she left except a few pieces of clothes. She has taken nothing that has any meaning to her at all, no pictures or cards or anything else that she cherishes. She has gone to the house several times while I was at work. She had plenty of time and opportunity to get whatever she wanted. The first time she came all she took was her shampoo, curlers and some other sundries. The second time it looks like she may have taken just a few pieces of clothing like pants and blouses. She also took the parakeets from the living room, although she had asked me if I minded first. She said their chirping soothes her. She also took just a few music CDs from her rather large collection to listen to. <p>How can I convince her to for treatment? She is obviously ill. She acknowledges the depression but still says that she's fine. She still is suffering from this sleeping problem. She falls asleep any time any place, even after a full night's sleep. She told me today that she nodded off on the way to work and almost rear ended the car in front of her.<p>I think what may have triggered this is the death of her step father in May. They were very close and he suffered for a long time with a terminal lung disease. She was with him everytime he was taken to the hospital. She was at his bedside at home when he died, holding his hand. This was at the end of May. Now that I think back, somewhere around the end of June into July she started to change. She did very little, to the point of nothing around the house, and I mean nothing. My son and I did what we could. I just figured she was tired, working two jobs, and dealing with everything else. Now that I think about it I only saw her cry twice in bereavement for him, at home when he died and at the memorial service and nothing after that. The other thing that I'm wondering about is if perimenopause is playing any part in this. I did a lot of reading on this and depression<br>over the past week and I have learned a lot. All of the symptoms that a woman can experience during perimenopause are what she was going to the doctors in the first place about. I asked her if any of them ever brought this up and did they check if that was happening. I understand a simple blood test can tell. She told me no they didn't but it had crossed her mind. My wife will be 42 in January. She told me that HER mom went through meopause early.<br>Sorry to ramble on, but these last three weeks have been hell for me. We've never been apart like this. I spent the first Thanksgiving in my life completely alone, and the first one since I've known her without her. We always stayed home and I made the feast for everyone. This year there was nothing. Everybody went their separate ways. <br>What am I facing here? A lifetime of committment down the drain? I have been faithful to my baby since the day I said I DO. I've worked very hard to give her and the kids everything I could. My oldest son just got married in June and adopted his wife's two children. I have two grandchildren now. And two weeks after my wife left, my son told me that there is another one on the way. <br>I'm doing everything I can to get my wife to the doctor. She just refuses to go. I call her every morning at work and tell her how much I love her and that i am here for her in every way. I'm doing and saying everything that they say to do with a person in an episode like this. When I tell her I love her or need her, her response is just "yep". She will not tell me she loves me. This past Saturday we talked for over an hour on the phone. She sounded almost like her old self. All we talked about was how much I have learned this week. I read a lot of things to her about depression and perimenopause. She seemed genuinely interested and asked me to make copies of the printouts. Before I hang up I always tell her that I love her. For some reason this time she said "I love you t" <br>then caught hersef and said,"uh yep". I asked her if that was a slip of how she really feels coming out. She said no it was just habit. I don't know. The next time I talked to her she was back in this emotionless, droning, exhausted, I could care less state.<p>Like I said earlier, I knew absolutely nothing about depression before. I know what it is now, but has anyone here gone through anything similar? What do you do? I pray a lot and ask God to keep her safe and watch over her. I ask for a healing in Jesus' name.<br>My wife and I are Christians, and I have discussed with her how God feels about marriage. I have read from his word to her just what he commands us to do. She hears and agrees, but it is not taking hold. I may not be able to get through to her but I know he can. I ask for your prayers too. I love her with all my being. She is my life. I will not believe that God let us get this far together only to have us pulled apart by a disease. I will not give up on her. I will be there for her in every way I can, no matter what. <p>r

Dadsee,<p> I don't have much advice to offer, but my sympathies are with you. Depression is very hard on the one suffering from it and to those who love that person.<p> However, it sounds as if your wife has sleep apnea. The nodding off at inappropiate times and your mentioning the weight gain struck home with me. Does your wife snore loudly? As sleep apnea gets worse, you will hear a loud snore followed by a gasp of air a minute (maybe sooner) later. My husband suffers from it. He was always prone to it, but the more weight he put on, the worse it gets. This is because the excess flab in the throat cuts the airway off more. They have surgery for it, but they recommend you first lose the weight and if it still doesn't improve, then surgery is necessary. Because they're struggling for breath all night, they are always tired. This causes irritability. I have to watch over my husband to wake him when he falls asleep with a cigarette in his hand ( smoking also contributes to apnea), do all the driving except in town, etc. He will deny he is dozing off when driving or sitting down, and will say it is because it or I am boring. <br> My prayers are with you. Try to keep being strong.<br> Aileen

Aileen,<p>Thank you for the reply. She has been in the hospital and had the sleep tests done. Nothing became of that. I thought it was apnea too. I researched that and she had all the symptoms including falling out of <br>bed at night. I think that the doctors are guessing as much as I am. Every ailment that<br>she has are symptoms of so many different things. For now until I can get her to go to the doctor,I'm going to believe that it is this perimenopause and depression. One of the symptoms for perimenopause is "crashing fatigue". Also like I said in my original post, it is the only thing they haven't checked her for.<p>I can deal with just about anything. But the hardest part of this for me is not being able to at least see her. I can't go to her workplace because I don't want to create problems there for her. Besides we both work for the same place (which is a University) but in different departments. Her co-workers can see there is a problem, but I don't know if her supervisors are aware of it. She is a supervisor herself which allows her to come and go somewhat freely. But she has been late for work numerous times in the last couple weeks, and has only put in half a day on a few. She had to go early because she could not stay awake. She had off four straight days for the Thanksgiving holiday. She went back to work Monday and was able to complete the day. On Tuesday morning when I talked to her about 8:30 She could not stay awake while talking to me. She left work at noon. Pretty soon she is going to have problems at work. She has been there a long time and makes fairly good money. Losing that job would be devastating. <p>It is so hard for me to understand why she sees me the way she does right now. The Saturday before she left we had relations before I went off to my part time job. She put everything into it like she always does.<br>For the next three days everything seemed normal. Then out of the blue this happened. Now she won't let me see her at all. I've asked her time and again to meet me at some neutral place like a mall or a diner or something and he refuses. She is treating me like I am some kind of stranger. I've been her husband for 26 years, done and shared everything together. Now I can't even see her for a few minutes. It is so hard to take. I learned one thing though. <p>I never knew how much it meant just to be able to talk to her when I wanted to. Now I sit by the phone praying for a call. I even call her work number when she's not there just to listen to her voice on her answering machine. I'll never take anything like that for granted again. Well it's 8:35 a.m. and I'm a little late in my morning call to her. I thought I'd log on to pass the time till I could call her. Again thanks for the reply.<p>God bless,<br>Dadsee <p><p><p>