I need your input again. Please help. I put off our divorce as H wanted. We both want to get counseling. H is scheduling this. He called me saturday to tell me that he can't just come over some of the time and then leave, because its too hard for him. He feels like he is home and then has to leave. I understand his feeling but I'm scared too. My questions is......does reconciliation work better together or apart?

confusedspouse,<P>From what all I have read, unless there is a threat of physical harm or if things are always "confrontational", then being together is the best thing you can do. There are just too many "wildcards" involved when you are physically separated from each other.<P>Just my 2 cents....<BR>You will make the right decision.

If you Both want to get counseling and he still feels at home in his home, then I believe you can do it. It's when one of you doesn't want to bother with counseling, or one leaves purposely to live with OP that it's is hard to recover. (That was a really lousy sentence, but I think you know what I mean). I think it sounds like you have a good chance - HE WANTS TO BE HOME! What I would have given to have it that way (a long time ago). Chin up - stay positive!<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

working on things living in the same house is diffently better. My ex and i are auppose to be working on things but everytime the mood strikes him he stills me to get lost. Of coarse i still have my house so it just means staying there....but what i really believe it is, is that he was living with this woman before we started working on things and he enjoys his cake and eating it too.<BR>Take it slow acknowledge your feelings and be completely honest and upfront with your spouse. IF in the end things do not work out then you know that at least you tried everything you could to save your marriage.<P>Good luck!!!

I guess I didn't make the situation very clear, we split up in May 99, he had his A from July 99 to March 00. All along he kept try to beg me for his forgiveness and telling me he got lonely and he knows it would of never happened if we'd been together. Says its no excuse but says he never had thoughts of doing this before. In April we moved in together, it lasted 6 weeks. We just kept fighting and I guess I was still too angry. I asked him to leave in mid May. We've been separated since then. He swears that the A is over and he has no contact with OW or anyone else. Now we are both wanting counseling (which is something he never really wanted before during our marriage)but we're afraid of trying again only to lose again and get hurt. Our whole marriage has been a struggle dealing with control on both sides complicated by his drinking problem causing insecurities and depression for him and some on me. So my questions still stands should we work out counseling together or apart?

Why not start together and see what the counselor thinks? He may suggest going together and separately. Who knows.

I actually feel like us being apart has shown me what I really had - not much. They say if you want something, let it go and if it returns it was meant to be. I know it's just a saying and who knows if there's any truth to it. Having been separated from my H, he feels like a stranger now, but that almost makes it easier to talk to him because many of my emotions have dissipated. In my case, there is a very manipulative OW so I never get anywhere with him and usually get told more lies. But I think that if he were still living here, I couldn't handle talking to him because of the intense daily emotions. I have been able to relax after he left and I didn't have to watch him and listen to lies anymore - the problem is that because of the OW, HE still has a hard time communicating with me.<P>It's a tough call. It depends how much you can separate yourself from the everyday emotional part of it. I just know it really helps me to be away from it, and I would even say that if the OW weren't an influence. I think mine needs to see what life is without his family, and he may decide he likes it better - then so be it, I would never want to put chains on him and hold him here if he kept having selfish thoughts of going his own way. It has to be his idea to stay/come back, BUT he has work to do to become trustworthy again (and I'd do my part) and that would have to be done from afar, not the same house.<P>I think separate counseling at first only because you brought up alcohol and depression. It seems there's more than a marriage rift going on that he needs help with. Just my opinion.<P>I'm not much help - sorry. I mean well, and hope it works out for you. I still think it sounds more positive than not. The drinking tho could be a problem in itself which he might have to take other measures to work on that. I can't help but think that that's why he views home as the "safe" place to be, because of the drinking and depression. Sorry I'm rambling. I SHOULD BE OUTSIDE, it's beautiful out!<P>------------------<P>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited September 19, 2000).]