The good is that I am going to a very nice spa for a week next month. Also I have started meditating again and am going to go back to yoga. I used to love yoga and it was very spiritual for me but I abandoned it because of HER being a yoga instructor. ButI have decided to take it back. I am not a chuch goer and haven't been since I left home. I grew up in a very strict home with church on Wednesday and twice on Sunday. It is just not for me but I did always think of myself as a spiritual person. The bad news I guess is that I have been thinking that it is really no comfort what people think of HER. I mean, she goes to things with him and they have their own friends and some of our old friends are now their friends. Oh they are my friends too but they say they care for us both and don't want to choose between us. And bottom line is I woulnd't care if people thought I was an axe murderer if I could just have him back. And I bet she feels the same way. So we're on the same playing field there and she's the one that won and got him. It's just no comfort at all think of what people must think of her. The other thing that I am struggling with is that I know many people absolutely must believe that there was something terrible wrong with our marriage, the old it takes two, etc. The reason why is that my husband is such a loyal man. As I posted before, he is still close to his fraternity brothers. He is the best son a parent could hope for. All his family looks up to him even now. Many people rely on him. He is always helpful and comes through for people. And to make matters worse, he always had contempt for people who abandoned their loyal wives of many years for a younger replacement. When someone would do this that we knew he would let our friends know what he thought of it and he said it should only be done where the marriage was absolutely a wreck. This is why I was blindsided and never in a million years thought he would lead a double life and then leave me for a younger woman. But he did. And this is why I think people still like him and he hasn't lost respect. Because it's like he lives a very good upright life and has never seriously betrayed anyone that I can think of or even berayed anyone at all except me! So what are people supposed to think? And this bothers me a lot. I know I can't keep telling my side of things over and over again. I know people really don't want to hear about my problems forever. It also doesn't help that I know she is telling her side of things and that probably people are thinking that at least some of what she is saying is true. Like it's probably a mix between some of her and some of me being true. I know that's what I would have thought before this happened to me. I hate this! Does anyone else feel this way?<P>ps: I am also still looking into plastic surgery and feel a little more every day that yes, I will do it.

Ok, ok here comes the neck. I'm gonna stick it out. First of all, your story reminds me a bit of my own life. Except, I am the ow. Our situation is a bit different though because we are the same age. He's not rich and I'm not a trophy bride. Your right. Eventually the family does except the ow but it isn't because they are not excepting you. Their son is giving them little choice. Wht is important to them is wanting their son in their life and that might mean excepting the ow in order to keep him. My ex has been with his girlfriend for over 3 years. I won't go into details but she's an extremely evil woman. His family knew this but tried to except her because they didn't want to loose their son. In my case. My husband's ex was/is a good mother and she got along well with his family. When he left her his family never once doubted that she was a decent person. People are not blaming you on your husband walking out. If your husband is really the wonderful man you say he is, HE should not be saying anything that would lead a person to think that it wasn't HIS problem, not yours.

I really don't think he ever speaks badly of me. It's just that I know people must assume things. Also women talk more than men so of course SHE must be telling her side to relatives and friends. And they are going to believe some of what SHE said.

Yes, and you can't control what everyone thinks and assumes.<P>I am very good friends with my STBX's peers at work, some of them were my teachers while I was in HS, I know them very well. Partly do to legal situation, partly due to manipulation, I was the one that looks like a bad dad by leaving; my mom, same name as STBX, also works at the school, its a famous school, you've heard of it, "Peyton Place"!<P>Can I control what they believe? NO, because STBX only talks about the negative with me, and has mental disorders. However, that doesn't stop me from doing what I was doing before. Unfortunately, all except one of her peers have been divorced, 1 went lesbian, one went affair, one went weird, (man hating heterosexual) 1 went through a gender change, still married but changed into a woman, 1 has a bad marriage, lives apart with someone else, except when they are home together. So do I care that they think that I am bad?<P>STBX can say anything she wants. Yet, I doubt that they will think that badly when they find out who the next OM is, and what happens if they don't make it. they work together at the same place, just different jobs.<P>Remember, you can still lead a great life, you now just have to find your own reason for living. I t should not be just to be married, although that was the old school thought. Now it is to get as much money as possible, and to begin to use it to begin new, to find a real companion, and learn to enjoy the life you have, and the time you have left.<P>Things happen for reasons, whether we accept the reason or not, whether we like the reason or not. we all have to grow from it into a BETTER person, and hope the others will see that also.<P>You can do it, you can do it, you can do it.<BR>everyone else here is trying to do it in various forms and ways, you are no different.<P>Its called the human struggle, we all go through it, and we are cursed with it as the only animal on the planet that has been cursed with the highest order of thinking, feeling and expression.<P>thl

discarded,<P>I truly feel for your situation. I cannot imagine how my Mom or Dad would feel (although they are significantly older). I know that you feel that most here cannot understand your situation as to the length of your commitment, but maybe everything is relevant? percentage-wise? I was with my X for over half of my life. <P>I am so glad that you are seeking venues for your self-expression and emotional/physical well-being. It <B>will</B> help.<P>I have a favor to ask. Could you type in paragraphs? It would make it so much easier for me to follow, and I will try to respond.<P>RC

Dear Discarded,<P>You may wonder why I keep reading and replying to your posts. It is not that I am obsessed about your situation BUT that I find your situation, at this juncture, more 'clean cut' and dried than most.<P>Although the fact that your WS does not want to be with you anymore regardless how hard you plan A, is a real disppointment in life, the same fact has set you free to pursue your own agendas in life. Treat it as 'early widowhood' if that helps. When we lose a spouse, we grieve, and you have been at the grieving stage for a very long time. Sooner or later, someone has to tell you to stop grieving and resume your right to enjoy life again. Who is that person? Maybe yourself, maybe your daughter?<P>I know that having a 'dead' spouse running around with some connivving bi*** in reality is different from a buried one. But you need to, for your mental, social, emotional and physical well being, to close that chapter in your life now. You should begin a new chapter (with hopes that WS may come back in the distant future) or new book (divorce or disolution of marriage) depending on yourself.<P>Your daughter would love a mother who, having been dealt one of life's most cruel blows, begins to slowly rise from the ashes to become a big hearted,, charitable and radiant woman. She will need you to be an example of how courageous you can be when the odds are against you. Of course, you have your right to suffer, and she has supported you well through your darkest hours. Now, it is time to slowly rebuild yourself, and pass to your daughter a legacy that she can be proud of; a legacy that the womenfolk in her family has the will, courage, ability and steadfastness to meet and triumph over challenges.<P>THere is also no person on this earth who has the unanimous vote that they are good. Even the dear Mother Theresa, a living saint, had documentaries made about her that condemn her 'greedy' and 'power crazy' ways. You see, no one wins because everyone has his/her own way of looking at the situation. In your case, it mainly boils down to your WS having more connections or that they are family - it is not personal.<P>Take care<BR>weep