It is lonely living this way. We are disconnected and the will to fix is only there with me. What I want and need she wil not or cannot give me. It feels like when I was dating and i did not want to be close with the girl anymore but did not let go, except I am the one who is like the girl.<br>It is lonely to not be touched, held ,hugged,cuddled, kissed and not have sex for so long. She says she just does not have the feelings towards me like she wants to or should, but maybe she can't. She once did or did she. She just started individual and couples therapy and is going to take the medicine that she never really took. She is obsessive/compulsive with anxiety and minor depression. We are both very unhappy and I hope someone can offer some support. We have two children and this has been going on for two years, but only real bad the last six months.

Michael,<p>I have a really good friend who is obsessive/compulsive. She and I have talked alot about it and she too was like your wife before she took her medication to correct it. It is a good sign that she is willing to do the therapy and try the medication. Be patient with her and as giving and understanding as you can. It's hard when you are missing so much for yourself but she is not able to do it right now. Find other ways to satisfy your needs to give you strength. Come here for support. That is why the rest of us are here. The more support you can show her now the more she will see it when she is thinking straight. I wish you luck and will include you in my prayers. <p>Steph

Steph<p>What medication is your friend on.<br>My wife is on paxcil, I only hope she takes it because she has not followed through in the past.

Micheal,<p>She has not said what she is taking and I don't feel comfortable asking her. I'm sure your wifes doctor will work with her as to what will be best. I wish you luck. <p>Steph

Hi Michael.<p>I've have taken medication for depression -- paxil absolutely destroyed my sex drive, in fact, I couldn't even get an erection.<p>I'm not sure how Paxil may effect women, the pamphlet on this medication did warn about reduced libido. The side effect I experienced was very obvious -- not that it mattered as it turned out.<p>My wife and I haven't been close for years now. I believe I have tried very hard to encourge closeness and intimacy. I may just have well have lived the life of a monk.<p>Communication requires two way dialogue. One way is strictly a broadcast. I encourage you to find some way to communicate ... I'm either a glutton for punishment or am very patient ... I have been attempting to work with my wife in redeveloping our relationship for the past 8 years. <p>Only recently have I drawn a "line in the sand". Reaching that point reduces some short term stress and anxiety. However, my heart is on the verge of being broken. That feeling is not pleasant.<br>

z<p>[This message has been edited by CarlLaFong (edited 02-12-99).]

Carl -- Even though I am on the different side of the coin as you in our marriages, I have the same scary thought......40 more years of this?!?!?!<p>I guess I can only keep going by thinking that it CAN change, and it can be even better than before. But daggone it, why does it have to be so hard and so exquisitely painful and require so much effort??<p>Trust me! (And maybe ya'll's 'unloving' spouses feel the same way!) I would give anything if I felt differently and were not putting my family and myself though all of this hell.<p>That is not exactly true, though, I would give almost anything. I am not willing to give up my inner peace to go back to the way it was..... So maybe all of this crap is worth it after all, if we can make it better for both of us.<p>Maria<p>but geez louise! 40 more years???

If so much time has past, i would give your spouse a specific date that something has to change by or its over. Sometimes people who are controlling the relationship(sex, no communication, etc) need to be told there is only a certain time frame that you can handle and you must move on b/c it isnt good for yourself to feel like you are not wanted any longer.

I totally agree with you Nancy. Partners sometimes feel too safe in the relationship. They feel safe to let their anger, bitterness, and resentment against life and therefore, us, be seen and felt by the other.<p>There comes a time when you must let that partner know it is no longer SAFE, that you are nearing the breaking point in how much you can take. I am not suggesting a definit time for the breaking point, just that we need to let them know that point is fast appraching.<p>My h was treating me very badly for three years. After making excuses for him for a very long time, I realized I could not take it anymore. I began to withdraw into my "taker". Thank God, I instinctively knew I was ripe for indescressions and that he was probably also. I gave him warning of my reaching the breaking point and he began to search himself for what he truly wanted. He was in an emotional affair at that time, (I suspected but had no proof) and told the ow that he felt he could now work on some things. She of course panicked and began to phone me and hang up, send him cards etc. I found two of the cards and found out who she was. The breaking point was reached! Because I had warned him, he had to make fast decisions. Praise God he chose to make our marriage work. It has been a very painful but very wonderful time, rediscovering our love for each other.<br>I'm not saying that letting your spouse know you are nearing your breaking point will have the same results, but it is good for you and fair for her to let her know it is approaching. But, you must do it calmly. My husband said the calmness in my voice and actions are what made him realize I was serious and not just making empty threats in anger.<p>I had spend a month writing all my thoughts down and so when talking to him I knew exactly what to say and how to say it in as few words possible. Try to do it that way, it really helps to keep you calm in the delivery of the warning.<p>Sorry so long, but this is a matter close to my heart.

Karl,adrift,nancy and all others, Thank you for sharing your situations and thoughts.<br>Adrift, i thought I was extremely patient, but eight years is along time.<br> I am battling three things;<br>I made a committment when we got married and I believed them then and believe them now.<br> I have two beautiful children that mean the world to me. I AM VERY INVOLVED AND COULD NOT FATHOM NOT BEING HERE WHEN THEY WAKE UP AND WHEN THEY GO TO SLEEP.tHEY ARE 3 AND 5 1/2.<br> I don't know how much time is enough? After not being loved for so long you question your ability to be loved and love for oneself. Back to reason one, committment has no date, not time , but reality,the environment and biology take their toll on ones emotion,will,health and faith.<p>When one sets a time frame and the desired outcome does not occur, then what? I know she is depressed, she wants it to work, she wants the wall to come down but I don't believe and to this point feel she wants to work on it.<p>The other night after her therapy which she restarted, she was asked; in two years your at starbucks with your husband, how do you see things,"the same as they are" was her reply. She asked me the question and I replied that I hoped things were great or we would not be at starbucks in two years together!!! <br>How does to people who want to love each other bring the wall down, and If unable to then let go?