I have been legally divorced for almost a full year now. It was the fastest divorce in history - moved out and 3 weeks later the papers were finalized. We agreed to joint physical/legal custody with temporary primary residence for my 3 daughters in the home where that had been living - which the Ex got in the divorce. <P>Within 2 months I had a place to live where the children could stay - yet within that time their father brain washed them into believing that I was a rotten person who left them (not just him) and they refused to come to my house. There attitudes have gotten worse over the last year and so have their mouths - <P>I have been alienated from my childen by my Ex - what can I do!! I love them, send them letters and try to get them to understand I did not leave them, I left their father.<P>Has anyone experienced this or am I alone - I feel so alone and don't know what to do to get the girls to understand what happed.<P>I am so hurt and confused - just like they must be.

Kids have a very difficult time with divorce and if you left they probably do see you as the reason. How old are they?<P>Can the marriage be reconnciled?<P>What about counseling?<P>

When I read your post the words "how can I make them understand I didn't leave them, I left their father?" stuck out. I'm sorry if this comes out sounding judgmental but this is the same line my husband gave my three children when he left. Those words are not words of comfort to a child, they are words of comfort only to YOU and to the psychologist who probably uttered them to you in the first place (as a means to assuage your guilt). Please forgive me for saying this but the first step is for you to admit that yes, you did leave them. Then proceed from that point forward. My kids were eleven, eight and six when their dad left us. When I told them one night as they were lying in bed, crying and lonely, that their dad said he didn't leave THEM, he left me, my oldest son said "But, mom, we live here, too. He left ALL OF US." <BR>Please, for your sake and for the sake of your children, admit to yourself that you did leave the kids, too. Is there any chance at all of your moving back with all of them?

Regarding her father leaving, my daughter said, "It is obvious he hated you more than he loved us."<P>If you didn't take them with you, then you left them. Saying otherwise is just doublespeak.<P>

Girls are 14, 10 and 8 - Can not be reconciled, ex(h) will not even talk to me without yelling and calling me some calling me every name in the book. Wanted to try counseling originally and he refused.<P>Though when I first moved out I saw them everyday, I picked them up for school and they stayed with me until bed time.. Then the ex started to show up at school before me and would pick them up so I couldn't see them and then make up lies about me - so I am sure they were convinced that I left them, even though I tried to be there everyday in their lives. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtinginOmaha:<BR><B>Kids have a very difficult time with divorce and if you left they probably do see you as the reason. How old are they?<P>Can the marriage be reconnciled?<P>What about counseling?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks for your reply, it really did make me think about how they feel. Though in the beginning I was in their lives everday, I would pick them up from school and take them to all their activities. It wasn't until their father prevented this that I really felt like I had left them at all. My question though is how did you deal with the situation. Did you tell your children bad things about their father to make them feel this even more or did you try to work with it and explain that he loved and wanted to be with them - or did not really not want to be? Just wondering on how others have handled this situation. I appreciate your honesty and straight forwardness - it helps.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MovingOn:<BR><B>When I read your post the words "how can I make them understand I didn't leave them, I left their father?" stuck out. I'm sorry if this comes out sounding judgmental but this is the same line my husband gave my three children when he left. Those words are not words of comfort to a child, they are words of comfort only to YOU and to the psychologist who probably uttered them to you in the first place (as a means to assuage your guilt). Please forgive me for saying this but the first step is for you to admit that yes, you did leave them. Then proceed from that point forward. My kids were eleven, eight and six when their dad left us. When I told them one night as they were lying in bed, crying and lonely, that their dad said he didn't leave THEM, he left me, my oldest son said "But, mom, we live here, too. He left ALL OF US." <BR>Please, for your sake and for the sake of your children, admit to yourself that you did leave the kids, too. Is there any chance at all of your moving back with all of them? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Nellie1,<BR>So I can appreciate the girls are feeling this way, but how have you handled their feelings - has the ex wanted to spend time with the kids and do they accept the time spent? I tried to take them with me, but they wouldn't go, and because I was stupid enough to believe him when he said we would share the kids life and responsibility of raising them and that he understood me needed to be apart, I didn't fight it. Really dumb on my part - sometimes I wish I could just turn back time and start over.

Initially my H spent time with the kids, and the four youngest are desparate to spend any time he will allow with him. As time went on, he spent less and less time with them, told them that they couldn't all come over simultaneously because they argued too much. My kids have begged their father to spend more time with him, and he has told them he "can't". He has been unemployed for over 4 months now, and still has little time to spend with them. <P>The older two are furious with him, and one of them hasn't spoken to him in a year and a half, since the night he left.

Hi DA,<P>I am glad to see you started posting!! See you Friday!

Wow! I'm surprised your ex was able to turn them against you like that. My ex who lives 2 miles away only bothers to see his kids a handful of times per year and that's usually only for an hour or two. He also stopped paying child support. Ya, he's a real winner. But his kids (girl 8, boy 12) still lap up any attention he does give them. I've never "bad mouthed" their father but I have told them that his choice to not come around often is his because he's making BAD choices right now. They also know that he job jumps to avoid child support. Doesn't matter. When or if he calls they fight over who gets to talk to him more, daughter BEGS him to see them and the I love you's fly! If your kids are acting that way I would suggest you get the court involved with some counselors right away. In the state of MN where I live turning a child against another parent can and does often cause a change in custody.

Hi DA,<P>If you have a minute please hop over to the Emotional Needs Forum and read my posts from yesterday (19th) and today (20th)! I think I am finally getting somewhere--tell me what you think!<P>

Bonnie.. thanks for your comments. I also live in Minnesota and I have been working through the courts - next date 10/2 hopefully they won't let him change it again. Also the girls have just completed fully pyscological testing and should begin seeing indiviual therapists in the next week or so. For the last year they were suppose to be going to couseling, but he (the ex) very freaquently cancelled the appointments and when they do go, he immediately tells them out stupid and what a waste of time they are - he refers to the counselers and therapists as a bunch of quacks. So now I am going back into court to try and get custody changed on the basis of his control and alienation tactics with the children. Wish me luck - it's been a really long battle, I have had to prove everything to everyone - but I hope I am getting the points across. <BR>

Wifeofcop - thanks for your support and turning me on to posting.. its been very enlightening and everyone has given me a lot of advice which really makes me think. Talk to you soon, I have been watching of your updates and will read them tonight. Glad things are moving forward. DA

Thank you for the rest of your story -- it sounds like a nightmare for you and for your kids. He must be a real jerk! I wasn't passing judgment on you, DA, I was just trying to explain to you that kids are kids and they don't accept the "canned" explanations we sometimes offer them as a means of making ourselves and them feel better. (this is what I meant when I said that the kids just don't understand how you didn't leave them, you left him). In your case, I'm sure you've already tried explaining to them how your original plan (shared custody) did not come to fruition because of your ex's refusal to cooperate. If he's brainwashing them about how awful you are it is probably futile to try to expound on this any further than you already have. It sounds as though he's using your leaving the marital home as a springboard to alienate the kids from you. I wouldn't be surprised if this was his ploy all along: To force you out, then scapegoat you as the bad guy. It's just amazing how evil some people can get. I feel for you and can sympathize with your plight: as you said, you wish you could go back and do it all over again. I agree wholeheartedly with the above poster who said that maybe it's time to go for full custody yourself and to get some type of legal intervention. Your situation sounds awful. I'm so sorry.<BR>