Why is it that my stbx can move along without a care in the world about what she's done to our marriage and our family? She's going back to school now to get her degree. She works for the government doing nice drawings on her computer for conferences and such and currently has no degree but makes more money than I do simply because its "government", personally I think she gets paid way to much for what she does, she's not even an artist. In her position all you need is a degree in anything and its automatic mega bucks. What irks the hell out of me is that they pay for her school as long as she keeps a "B" average and they pay her to attend. How screwed is that. Just our tax dollars at work here I suppose. She just loves to tell me how happy she is now, and how well she's doing without me and silly me, I let it get to me. So why do I envy her? Why do I get upset because she has obviously moved along nicely in her life while I'm still stuck here in the past loving her and still in shock that my marriage is over? This certainly has to be more than just paycheck envy. Jax

I think that is usually the way of it. The betrayer leaves the destruction behind with no care for all the hurt s/he's caused while the betrayed is left picking up the pieces. I suppose if the betrayer had some heart, there wouldn't be a divorce anyway though would there?<P>How you handle it though is up to you. You can focus on what she has, or be positive and focus on what you have and what she doesn't have. She hasn't dealt with the issues that led to your divorce, so she is likely to end up in the same sorry situation. Hopefully, you have dealt with that and will never have to encounter that again. <P>You have your character, your dignity, and your self respect. Does she?<P>You have a chance at a new start. If you could remake your life in the image that you most want, what would it look like? Guess what? You do have that chance right now. <P>So does she and apparently she is using what tools she has to get her education and get on with her life. Do you want her to win in every way? The best way to get over her is to be successful and happy. You do that by focusing on yourself and things you have to look forward to, not by looking back with regret or with envy.

JAX:<P>I too struggle with how easy it was for my x to leave. But, I agree with Popeye that you need to make the best of your life now. You need to look for the oppurtunities you now have and seize them.<P>Popeye: I really get so much out of your posts. Thanks for helping all of us out.<P>

Dear Jax<P>I understand first hand about being saddled with the tormentors (anger, hatred, envy, bitterness, etc), and the spouse just hurry you along to get on with life. WS often have the lesser consciencee, that is why they are able to do what they did to the marriage. They are selfish and self-gratifying to begin with.<P>What I know is that they are often saddled with the guilt which they often brush aside or rationalise and do everything in their lives to get ahead and forget or numb the conscience. While the BS is the one wrecked by the emotional trauma, and is crippled by the horrors of the spouse's behaviour.<P>It took me months, counselling, help from the church, and mostly a recent healing ministry to be healed of the emotional trauma that was killing my joy of life. If you like, you can read my reply to Cjack under General Questions II.<P>Your spouse is doing all she can to let you feel bad and it is her revenge that 'look, I am better off without you'. But truly if she is really happy, she doesn't need to stoop so low by rubbing it in your face.<P>God LOves You<BR>weep

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

Jax,<P>Also keep in mind that if someone keeps telling you they are "so happy", then they are probably trying to convince themselves as well. Unless the WS is so void of love and a conscience, there is no doubt that doubts do exist in there minds. They have no choice but to keep telling themselves "I am happy, I am happy, I am happy" - how else could they try to get through all this.<P>My approach is to "be" as happy as I can, knowing my wife is not here and that I miss her so. But that is only one portion of my happiness. While I don't have any children, I am happy for my health, for my family, for my house, for my dog, for my job... and on and on. And I am happy for this chance to re-evaluate my life and make the changes that will make me a better person in the long run.<P>Finally, her telling you she is "happy" may only be to get a "rise" out of you. Don't cater to it, blow it off.<P>Be strong.

{{{{JAX}}}}<P>I know how you feel too. It used to bug me that my H could just walk away. I know he isn't doing well financially (good) and I know he is less than perfectly happy but then again, he still has a much less stressful life than me.<P>Try not to even discuss her new life with her. Why should you be put in a situation where you are going to be hurt, yet again.<P>I'm sure she'd (and a lot of betrayers) like you to believe that life is great, perfect, etc, but in reality, they are living in a fantasy world. One day, they will realize all they have done, probably when they are faced with a moment of weakness or hard times.<P>I know a lot of "betrayed" people and I think we all feel envious. Why do they get to have someone at holiday time, why do they have someone to go to dinner with, someone to hug and be told it will be ok, why does it seem they bounce back to a new life while we are stuck picking up the mess they left behind.<P>Are you seeing anyone right now? Have you dated yet?? I'm NOT saying that is a way to mask this feeling, believe me its not, you have to work through it, but once you start meeting new people and focus on your own accomplishments, you'll have less time to spend on hers.<P>I started dating a little too early. I have it under control now, but I still could have taken a little more time first. I can't explain how good it felt though, to be out with someone who actually listened to what I said, wanted to do something besides watch tv and to learn a little about someone new. <P>One day, you'll have a much better life than you ever dreamed of. I do believe that for all of us here.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Unfortunately, I am not sure that Dana is right. My H has been out of work for months now, and I think he feels a bit bad that our kids are living in poverty, but life still seems to be pretty good for him. As long as the OP can give them a higher standard of living with less responsibility than they would have at home, the betrayers do end up far better off. <P>People say that someday the guilt will catch up with them. Certainly the betrayed spouse would feel guilty if they had done what the betrayer did. But perhaps most people who would leave their spouse and family for another person are not capable of feeling guilt about hurting their spouse.

Thanks for the encouragement, I know I have to concentrate on myself, but unfortunately that's not where my mind is at the moment.<P>Popeye, I agree with what you're saying, yes I have all those things, my self respect, etc., but nothing seems to phase her in the slightest. She's an icecube.<P>711, thank you.<P>Weep, I think you've discribed her perfectly.<P>Trapped, and Sotired, yes I've asked myself those question many times, wondering if it was something that I've done, but I know it's nothing I've done or didn't do, it's her she's the one who wanted out and now I'm really not so sure she's as happy as she claims to be, she always seems to be telling me how expensive everything is lately.<P>Dana, thanks. You're right I really need to stop focusing on her, but how? I don't know yet. And no I'm not seeing anyone, nor do I have the desire to. I'm kinda in a catch 22 at the moment where I'm tired of being alone but I'm really not interested in dating anyone else at the moment. I'm haven't been attracted to anyone else yet. Sure I've looked at some women, but that's all that I've done the thought of going out with someone else right now just doesn't feel right. Thanks again.<P>Nellie, I don't know if mine will ever feel guilt for what she's done. To be quite honest I still don't know if she left for someone else either. The only reason she gave for leaving was that she doesn't love me anymore period...nothing to discuss she's just going to leave and thats all there was to it. So, her feel guilty? If she does I'll never know it. Thanks<P>