Last week was very bad. My soon to be Ex and I had a horrible phone conversation and it ended with her in tears and me refusing any further contact w/o our attorneys. We got past that conversation and she has since dropped the topic which initially caused the disagreement, but I still feel like crap. In almost 7 years, I have never spoken to my wife the way I let her have it that night on the phone. In fact, this was really our first real fight that we have ever had! This was the first time in the past 3 months since she started this whole divorce crap that I have even raised my voice to her. I know that the anger stage would finally set in and I am more than justified to let some of this anger show, but I hate the fact that I lost control with her. She has hurt me beyond belief in walking out without a fight, but as a loving husband, I feel that I should have been more in control. I know that divorce will try the patience of anyone and she obviously hasn’t been too concerned about my feelings, so why should I be so worried about hers? We have spoken once since then w/o our attorneys, but there was some obvious tension. I’m just feeling a little guilty, but I really shouldn’t. Standing up for myself is not a bad thing!

Hello again.<P>I just replied to another one of your posts in another thread.<P>I think your anger is natural which you have acknowledged in your post. I too lost it a few times with my x in the beginning. Although, I felt justified at the time, I always felt guilty afterwards and would usually call him back and apologize and he would too. He would always say that he understood why I was angry and that I didn't need to apologize. That did help. He, however, was dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt for leaving. I know there are many who could care less about their decisions. I was lucky in that respect<P>When I am really angry about things, I find that running or writing really helps. It clears my head and has resulted in a loss of twenty pounds.<P>Hang in there. It is a slippery slope that you are on. <P>Jennifer

Thanks for the advice. My ex actually has been very apolgetic during this whole thing and I know she still cares about me, she just isn't waivering at all about her decision to leave. The fact that she won't even consider working this out really hurts. I could understand it better if I had been a bad husband, unfaithful or abusive, but I wasn't. I was doing the best job I could and she just walked away. She claims that she was unhappy for a long time, yet she never mentioned a word to me or to anyone else in our family. How in the hell does she expect our marriage to change or grow if she didn't tell me there was a problem? I am an intelligent person, but I am not a mind reader! I just know that I did the best I could considering what I had to work with. I wish I could just hate her, but I can't.<P>Shawn

I can empathize with you. Your situation sounds very much my situation with the roles reversed. I can't really say that my marriage was bad. My wife is a very wonderful and caring woman. But the emotional love was just never there and still is not. Although my wife is a wonderful person she never really did anything to try and make things better. I didn't help as I didn't tell her how I really felt as I thought I could just pray about it and work through everything I felt and that over time everthing would work itself out. It didn't and hasn't and I'm about one step from walking away. The only difference is that I have a woman that I loved and have really always loved that I want to be with. I don't really know what to say to you except that I understand you situation and wish that your wife wasn't doing to you what I'm doing to my wife.

Jayhawk,<P>I anguishes as you did for 3 months. I felt in my gut that there was a missing piece to the puzzle. I had her get a full physical, hormone levels checked, thyroid function, etc... Then I found out what everyone had been asking....there was another man.<P>I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that your W has one too. When there is another person involved, all bets are off. When your only responsibility with the other person is to have fun, ofcourse your real life with everything that goes along with it is going to look like a boring forboding place.<P>My wife of 12 years (she's 42) has taken up with a HS crush. I find it all so bizarre, but as everyone says, sh** happens.<P>I often wonder if she was ever really commited to me. Judging by everything she said to me, I would say yes. But I often wonder if she had this guy on the back of her mind for the last 20 -25 years, suddenly bumped into him, and the sparks were there and ignited.<P>Look into an affair. It sure sounds like a possibility. Has she changed her wardrobe? Mine did to the tune of $4000.00.<P>CHECK IT OUT!<P>Jay B.

An affair is definately likely and was my initial thought, but I haven't found anything to prove that. My ex swears that there isn't someone else and in fact become rather jealous when I started hanging out with a female friend of mine from work. She even went to the extent to remind me that we were still married, even though she has her own apartment and has filed the divorce papers. I know that S**t happens, but I didn't expect it to happen to me. I don't deserve it. Not that anyone does, but I just can't accept it. She has called me a few times because she was lonely and was missing her best friend. If she had another man, I don't think she would call and I can't imagine that he wouldn't be helping her through this process. She has made some pretty poor decisions during this ordeal and I can't help thinking that if there was another man, the decisions would have been different. If she is with another man, then deserves what she gets and she certainly does not deserve me! It's an easy thing to say, but I still love her. I am definately dealing with a classic love/hate battle in my own mind.

Jayhawk,<P>Mine swore up and down too. She even taunted me after I went through the phone bills: "you didn't find anything, did you....did you!!"<P>Only trouble was I didn't realize that 2 months of the bills from 6 months previous were missing (they were sent directly to her girlfriend's house).<P>My advice at this time would be to believe little or nothing of what you hear, and 100% of what you see.<P>Also, gut feeling is the BEST indicator. Was your marriage in good shape prior to her "starting all this crap?"<P>Keep an open mind in this matter. Their world becomes one of a perpetual lie, right down to everyday things. All I hear is lie, lie, lie, lie....<P>She even lies to her family AND HERSELF! She even went so far as to say "there was nothing in our wedding vows that said I had to stay with you forever!" This was before I found out about OM. She was dead serious when she said this and was probably had herself convinced that this statement was true only to justify what she was doing in an effort to relieve the EXTREME guilt I assume these robots feel. They are truly like a drunk at beer festival.<P>WATCH OUT! Look around, keep your ears open.<P>Jay B.