Jennifer,<BR>Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. I've read some of your other posts and found the one asking if there were any "good men" left very interesting. I have often wondered myself if there are any good women left. Without sounding stuck on myself, I am the best man I know! In fact, my soon-to-be EX would probably agree, which just blows me away. She told me flat out that I was a great guy, a good husband, a good provider, a good lover, her best friedn, she is still attracted to me, and she still wants to know me once this divorce is over with. If all that is true, then why the heck is she leaving me? ....She claims that there is not another person in her life, she just feels that she is not "in love" with me and she feels that we were just best friends living together. She didn't think the "spark" that should be there in a marriage was there and she never did. She claims that I deserve to have someone in my life that will love me the way I deserve to be loved and that person is not her. Why did she marry me then? Her answer was simply that she married for the wrong reasons! Those reasons, however, I don't have a clue? She won't really get more specific with me other than saying that she felt that she has always done things in her life to please other people and now she needs to please herself. I can't beleive that this whole thing is based around her desire to be independent and to live her own life. If that's the case, it's really sad that she is willing to toss me aside. I know our marriage and our relationship could be improved as neither one of us are perfect, but what else does she really think is out there? She can't seem to tell me what or who she is looking for, other than it's not me. I hate the fact that she is not at all willing to save this marriage. I have so much love and encouragement coming my way which is great, but that just confuses me more. If so many people think that I am a good guy and a good catch, has my wife just lost her mind? That thought makes me think she will snap out of this as quick as she went into it. <BR>I hate being alone and I really don't want to date anyone new, but with each passing day I am starting to notice new women. I'm not even considering a date until my divorce is final because I am, and have always been a faithful man and I see no reason to change that now. In fact, the relationship I had prior to meeting my wife had been over for 6 months when we met. I actually felt guilty for the first three months of our relationship becuase I felt that I was cheating on my former girlfriend. The kicker is that that relationship had ended because she had cheated on me! Maybe I just love too much? I don't want to be alone for very long and I can't imagine the emotional hell I am going to go through once I do start dating. I may feel like a cheating fool for the next 5 years! <BR>Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I'm just in a very confusing place right now and getting these thoughts out on the PC seem to help.<P>Shawn

Jayhawk93,<P>Wait a sec, let me get the tears out of my eye - your post "hit home" with me. Almost word for word my wife said the same things to me. I too feel that I am a pretty good guy and she agrees 100%. My wife gave me the same line that she is "not in-love" with me anymore and maybe she never was to begin with.<P>I brought it up with my counselor several months back. While I don't know your situation, my wife and I got married rather young - she was only 23 years old. We dated 4 years before that and are now married 4 years. We met her freshman year in college. This is what the counselor said:<P>He asked if I had ever lived alone. I said "yes". Then he asked what it was like - I said it was OK, but you had no one to depend on really but yourself to: cook, clean, pay bills, entertain yourself. And that it sometimes got lonely. Then he said "what if you never had a chance to live on your own - What would you imagine". I thought a few minutes and replied, "well I guess it would seem like fun all the time - doing what you want when you want to, eating what you want, not worrying about anyone but yourself". He said "exactly".<P>He said that my wife went from her parents house, to college (still parents control), to "my" house. She never experienced life on her own. She only sees the fairy tale part of living by yourself - she does not see the reality, because you can't until you actually live it. He said to give her time. He actually went on to say that he hears this problem with many, many couples and usually it does not come out until they have been married for quite a long time.<P>So that is what I am giving her now - time. Time to see what is out there.<P>Recently I had a friend expand upon the above a little more.... He asked "how many guys did she seriously date before we got married?". I said not many, maybe 1 or 2. He then said "then she has not truly experienced what is out there has she? - It sucks but if you are strong enough to wait, she will see that what she says about you being a good person is so true, and that most men are not worth a dime. In time she hopefully will come back." <P>Lets be honest, there are not a lot of good men out there - there really aren't and I hate myself for having to say that. But in reality, I can count the number of good men I know on one hand, starting with my father.<P>---------------<P>Don't know if this little story helps, but your wife's comments are just so much like what I heard 6 months ago. My answer was to turn to God for strength and courage. The strength to give her the time she may need, if I truly love her and want her back. And the courage to stand up for what I believe in, no matter what friends, family and acquaintances may think or say about me.<P>My approach is to stand up for the vows I made to her. If she comes back, then it will be time to get to work on our relationship but I will be happy. If she doesn't come back? Well then I will know I stood up for what I believed in - I "walked my talk". I will hurt for me and for her, but I know deep down I will be happy with myself.<P>Good luck and keep strong.

ST2000-<BR>I am emotionally shaken by your thread. Our situations are almost identical. I literally broke down in tears (which is nothing new for me as of late) while reading your reply. My wife was 20 when we met and I was 23. We dated for about 5 months before we moved in together and we were married 4 years later. Next month will be our 2 year wedding anniversary. She told me the EXACT same thing about going from her parents, to college, to me w/o ever experiencing life on her own. I heard what she said, but I guess I wasn't listening. I figured that there just had to be more to it. <P>I have never lived on my own before, but I have never wanted to. I have been in a caretaker role since the age of 14 when my father died. I became the 'man of the house' one week after my 14th B-day and was immeadiately in charge of both my mother and my sister. In college I was always the 'parent' when it came to my friends. then I moved in with my wife and so the story goes. For over 16 years, I have been taking care of someone and now there is just me, my dog and my cat in 'our' empty home. I say the home is empty because my wife is gone. I miss her so badly. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ALONE, but I really don't want anyone else except her. Basically, I'm just screwed! I don't beleive in divorce (unless there is abuse) and I made the commitment to spend the rest of my life with her. If I wasn't ready to commit to her, then I wouldn't have done it.<P>I keep beating myself up trying to figure out what I have done to drive my wife away from me. I know I haven't been perfect, but I've been pretty close. I can't beleive anyone being better suited for my wife than I am. I only know a few good men myself and I am so scared that some jerk is going end up treating my wife like crap. If that ever happens and I ever find out about it, so help me God I'll kill him! I flat out told the minister who performed our wedding the same thing. I think that shocked him a bit. Oops!<P>It has been suggested to me by many people that she is probably having an affair....a thought that has just been ripping me apart. With both of our histories I just can't beleive that. I am still just amazed that the desire to be on her own would cause her to do this. If this is the case, then why the rush for the divorce? Why not just call this a separation and live apart for a while? She told me on 6/18 that she was unhappy, moved into an apartment on 7/6 and filed for divorce on 8/30. She promises that another person is not at the root of this. Maybe she just needs to really be free to experience the independence she craves? If this is the case, then maybe God will bring her back to me and we will have a better, stronger marriage as a result. Then again, maybe I'm just in denial. <P>What a horrible experience to be going through!

Jayhawk 93,<P>Chills..... My wife is also "rushing" to a divorce. I have thought a lot about why. My friends have also suggested that maybe she is seeing someone else, but I don't get that feeling. I think she is pushing the divorce through for a couple reasons:<P>First I think that somewhere along the line, someone told her that if she is not happy then "get out". They said that "we are both young" and it would be best to end things quickly so that I could get on with my life. I think she believes that by divorcing me fast, she is helping me in the long run.<P>Another reason deals with how much my wife one day wants children. If she is 27 yrs. old now, I think she sees it as getting over the divorce - 1 year, meeting someone new another year, dating them for a couple years (2 more years), being married for at least a year before starting to have children. That would make her 32 years old before she even starts to try to have kids. Talking with my sister-in-law who is 30 years old, she told me that for a lot of unwed women who someday want children, getting closer to thirty is very scary.<P>And finally I think that just being as young as we are, it is easy to look at things in the present tense only. Our whole culture revolves around quick decisions and "living for today". Reading some of these posts here, it is clear that some of these people are going on several years of hurt and pain and some have tried with their marriages for years. My wife doesn't sees it that way, she has been somewhat spoiled her whole life and her first reaction is to "run" from any problems.<P>Fortunately, in NJ for a no-fault divorce there is an 18 month waiting period. Since I know she has no grounds for divorce (that is unless an attorney gets a hold of her), I told her that even though I whole-heartedly don't agree with it, a no-fault divorce is how she can proceed. And I know that she knows deep down there is in fact no "real" reason for a divorce and that it would be very hard for her to come to grips with herself if she tried to persue one on some "made up" grounds. And even out of her mouth, she said that she still loves me. She just doesn't know what happened to the feelings of being "in love" with me went.<P>I read somewhere in the past couple months that being "in-love" takes a couple things: First you need to trust the person you love completly and second you need to show them your love for them. Then the feelings of being "in-love" will return. I know my wife does not trust me right now. Not from an infidelity standpoint, but rather she does not trust the changes she has seen in me over the past year. I used to be a workaholic - stressed all the time. Always working for "someday". Well I met a great man who helped me put things back into perspective.<P>I no longer live for tomorrow. I live for today. I don't let the stress get to me anymore. By doing those two simple things, my whole life has come 180 degrees back to the person I used to be when we met. To be honest it was a "big" change and I don't blame my wife for having trouble believing in the change and that I will NEVER go back to the person I became again, ever.<P>The bottom line is that I am trying to "stall" things (for lack of a better word). Force my wife to really think about what she is doing. Give her time to get over the anger she stored up for years. Give her the time to see what it is really like out there on her own. And hopefully give her the time to start to miss the good times we had and how much we get along when we are together.<P>Maybe we both needed this time to grow. Hopefully with God's help we can get back to each other sometime soon.<P>My advice - try to slow things down. Don't make it deliberate, don't make it confrontational, just look for reasons to slow it down. That is if you feel you love her enough to "give her the time she needs".<P>Stay strong. Don't put your life on hold though - get out there and do some things you never could or had time for before. Amazingly even though I lost touch with my friends when I married, they picked me up right back into their "group", and they have been a great source of support (and some entertaining excursions!). You can still "move on" with your life but keep hope and love for your wife.<P>Thats all I am trying to do.

Wow, you two guys have me close to tears.<P>I did post some time ago a question about whether there were any good men out there. Here are two right here. I hope that both of you can work out your differences with your wives. They obviously don't know what they are losing. <P>The marriage builder site has some great advice on how to get the "in love" feeling back and Plans on how to save your marriages.<BR>Have either of you checked out that information? I highly recommend it.<P>Unfortunately, for me, my divorce is final. My x left me with two kids back in February. We struggled in our marriage almost from the beginning but I wanted to make it work. We just couldn't figure it out. I wish I had followed some of the advice on this site before it ended. It might have helped. Who knows. He still may have run after the younger girl at his office. He is 39, I am 36 and she was under 25. <P>We started dating in college when I was 18 and married when I graduated and was 23 years old. Straight from parents, to college, to marriage. Just like your wives.<BR>I don't know if that really causes problems but I know I got married because I thought it was the next step. I had no idea what I was getting into at that age. But, once committed, I vowed to stick with it through thick or thin. My x decided who couldn't do that anymore. He too said that we both are good people who are just not right for each other and deserve to find the right one. Do they all say that? It does make me wonder if your wives have met someone.<BR>My counselor told me the key line is "we just don't have anything in common". 99% of the time, he said that is the line of someone having an affair. My x did. Oh, what a betrayal. <P>But life does go on. I am now dating someone who is concerned that I haven't dated and it is going very well. I do worry about the relationship, but neither of us is interested in getting married for a long time. He got married at 32 and his wife left him in January for another man. He seems like a great guy and sounds a lot like the two of you. I guess only time will tell.<P>I'm glad that we have this site to vent and hear everyone's similar situations. I like to hear the male perspective on things.<P>I wish the best for both of you.<P>Jennifer<BR>

ST200 and Jennifer:<BR>The two of you have given me a lot to think about and more importantly, some peace of mind that I have really been needing. For that, I thank you both.<P>ST2000:<BR>I am just amazed how similiar the two of our stories really are. Our wives almost sound identical. Unfortunately for me in Kansas, the cooling off period is only 60 days. She has already filed the papers with the court so now we can only wait. There isn't anything I can do at this point to slow this process down as the clock is already ticking. I have heard it said that divorce is only on paper. But with us living apart and now almost avoiding one another, this isn't a marriage anymore. I have learned a lot from this site, but since she isn't willing to work on the marriage, none of this will benefit her. I feel bad for her because if she doesn't face the issues from her past, she is never going to be happy. I can only hope that this experience will help to make my next marriage that much better, even if it is with a different woman.<P>I hope the both of you have a good weekend and I'm sure we'll again be in touch. Please feel free to contact me directly via email at kujhawk93@hotmail.com if you ever want a more private conversation.<P>Take care,<BR>Shawn

Shawn:<P>When I was first heard that my x wanted to leave, I was blindsighted. He had just a month before said how much he loved me, how beautiful I was, that I was such a great mother, that he never even wanted to hear the words divorce. We had been in counseling for two years before he left. Then, one morning at 6:20 when I came out of the bathroom dressed and ready to go to work, he sat up in bed and said that he needed to tell me something. He said that he wanted to separate so he could determine if he had any feelings for me anymore. That he had been lying all this time about how he felt. He said he didn't want to go to counseling that day because our therapist would try to talk him out of it. It was like being hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. I insisted that he go with me to counseling and he did. In the meeting, the therapist begged him to come to one solo session before he left. He said he would but it had to be done before the weekend. Obviously, he had plans that he didn't want to be screwed up. That was such a give away and at that point it came out that he was interested in this young girl in his office. That he enjoyed having lunches with her and he had even introduced her to my two little girls twice. My 6 yr. old daughter (on her own accord) told me all about her and how nice she was and that she wanted to have her to her birthday party. It was awful. He said nothing had happened wiht her but obviously he wanted something to happen that weekend. <P>I was devasted and he was shocked. He actually thought I was going to be happy that he wanted to leave and said he hoped that I found someone soon to make me happy because I deserved that. Please! That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I knew we had problems and that's why we were in counseling but I really wanted to work it out. But, when he found some young girl at the office, working things out with me was the last thing on his agenda. By the way, their relationship ended after 1 month. Isn't that pathetic, leave a wife and two kids for a 1 month affair. Of course, there is more to it than that, but still!!!<P>I guess I needed to vent a little and let you know my story. I begged, pleaded, cried, wrote letters, and tried all kinds of ways to change his mind. He was as cold as ice. So, I finally gave up and we got the divorce. It only takes 30 days in GA. The moral of this story is this: I wish I had come to this site and followed some of Mr. Harley's advice a long time ago. I also thought, well, if I could just get my x to read some of this stuff and we tried to fill each other's love banks, we might be able to turn this around. But, it takes two and he would not even consider it. He had made up his mind and I was powerless to change it. It was so disappointing.<P>So, as I have told you before, I have moved on and I'm dating again. The man I am dating is so much like me. He loves to talk, he is always reading books on relationships and related topics, he goes to support groups, therapy, church and most importantly, he treats me very well and makes me feel loved and wanted. So, I have found someone that I really like. I am nervous about it. I worry that I am not in a place right now to make good decisions regarding men and relationships, but I decided it is worth the chance. I hope this is one of the few good men left. And, I do think there are a few good woman left too. Just look at all the people on this site trying to figure out what went wrong so they can save their marriages or move on and hopefully be successful next time.<P>Have a great weekend. I am packing up my house this weekend and moving next Friday. Goodbye Dream Home, Hello cute little starter home. But, you know, it is a perfect little house for me and my kids. I am starting over and it symbolizes that transition.<P>Talk to you later,<BR>Jennifer <p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited September 23, 2000).]

Jennifer, <P>Seems you and I are in similar places...I was devestated when my x did not want our marriage. He also told me he loved me, but then he had another woman on the side. To this day I am not really sure he has the capacity to be honest with even himself. And, life does have to go on. It may not be what we envisioned for ourselves, but we need to learn from this experience and let this harsh lesson help us in our next relationship. <P>Guys, <BR>Oh, how I wish that your wifes would wake up and realize what they are losing in you men!! Everyone at some point in their lives dream" Is the grass greener on the other side??" You know, the grass may look greener, but this side is more lush, more soft, more comforting, more than that "greener" side could ever be. Know that you are good, you deserve love, and it is their loss, not yours. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Jennifer,<BR>I'm glad that we can all be here to vent and to share our stories together. I have a fantastic support network with my friends and family, but I'm sure they get tired of my whining all of the time. It's so nice that we can vent out here and only those of us that want to listen have to!<P>Thanks for sharing your story and I'm really happy that you have found someone new to share some time with. I will not start dating until my divorce is final. For starters, I still want my wife and I will always be a faithful spouse. That's just a value of mine that I will never compromise. I actually think that value was instilled in me at a young age before my father passed away. I could never live with the guilt and I refuse to let myself down in that way. Cheating is too easy and I have no respect for that. Also, I'm not going to allow myself to start an emotional relationship with another woman because on the off chance that my wife did want to work on this, I wouldn't want to hurt someone else in the process. <P>However, I am starting to think toward the future as a single man, and there are a few women I know that I can see as dating possibilites. All of them are single mothers, either divorced or never married. After being divorced myself, I think I'll prefer dating only divorced women because of the common bond. I know I'm a good person and that I can't control my wife's issues, but I still carry the feeling that prospective dates will view me as "dammaged goods." I know this may sound ridiculous, but wouldn't it be fair to think that once a woman I meet finds out that my wife left me, she would assume that there must be something wrong with me? I would think that once she got to know me she would agree that my wife was nuts, but it's still something I'm worried about. <P>One thing my wife eluded to, but never really elaborated on is that she didn't feel that I expressed my feelings very often. i realize now that my wife really needs to have verbal reassurance as to one's feelings, it's obviously one of her emotional needs. I on the other hand tend to show love and affection by doing things for someone more than I would verbalize it. Now that I look back, I can't beleive how blind I was. SO many times, my wife would get ready for work or to go out and she would just look stunning and I wouldn't say a word. I would think to myself, "hey, my wife is gorgeous, or she really looks great in that dress", but I wouldn't say a damn thing. What a fool I was! The frustrating thing is that I realize that now and the few times I have seen my wife since moved out I've tried to make a point to compliment her, but she just thinks that I am making the compliment to win her back. She says I never used to compliment her before and it's too late to start that now. It really hurt when she said this, but I could understand her point.<P>This is off the topic of divorce, but I'm trying to get used to complimenting people a little more as thoughts pop into my head. I am really out of practice on this though. The best way for me to 'practice' this is when I'm at my office since there a lot of people that I come into contact with on a daily basis. I do feel like I'm walking a fine line though when it comes to complementing female co-workers because of all the sexual harassment issues. I'm always afraid that a comment I make will be mistaken as a 'come-on' rather than the innocent compliment it is meant to be. Obviously, I'm not going to come up to a female co-worker at the office and say that her [censored] looks great in those slacks, but sometimes someone will change their hairstyle or may just look really nice one day and it scares me to say something. I think the biggest compliment I have a problem with is a person's eyes. I am a sucker for eyes and I make it a point to always look a person in the eyes while talking to them. There are several people I know that just have beautiful eyes, but I have never commented on them because I would think they would take it as me hitting on them. Maybe I just worry too much? I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the manner in which you deliver a compliment and the timing. Do you have any thoughts on the subject?<P>I have definately come a long way in terms of opening up in the past few months in regard to my feelings, I just wish my wife would appreciate it. I have written her a few letters and have been very open when we've talked. She has been completely cold and flat with me for the last 3 months. She is usually the one that would get very emotional at the drop of a hat and I was always the calm one that held things together. For the last 3 months, I have been nothing but emotion and tears. In almost 7 years I think my wife saw me cry twice. In the past 3 months, there have only been a few days that I haven't shed any tears over this divorce. I think I have realized that tears and sobbing is a good way to let go of some emotion, something I have tended to hold back in the past. If nothing else, I think I am definately going to be a much more sensitive and emotionally giving person in my future relationships.<P>I hope your weekend moving excursion goes well and that your new starter home brings you some much deserved happiness!<P>...Shawn

Shawn:<P>I really think you are on the right track in trying to figure out what went wrong in your relationship. I would keep on trying. <P>When you wrote about not paying compliments to your wife when you went out, that really hit home with me. When I was dating my x (18 yrs. ago), he always complimented me on how I looked when we went out, etc. But, in the last years of our marriage, I would get dressed up to go out and he wouldn't say anything. I would sometimes ask if I looked alright, and he would immediately say that I looked great and that he just forgot to say anything. That really made me upset. It is so easy to start taking each other for granted over the years. I am also trying to compliment people when I think they look nice, etc., especially the man I am dating. He likes words of affirmation. I think we all do. I think it is great that you are recognizing these things. I hope that your wife will see what you are learning and trying to do. But, she may not right away. I would keep on trying and read Plan A and B as to what to do. I have read many posts about not trying too hard when our spouses leave or you will push them further away. Sad but true. That is what happened to me. I don't know if I had tried Harley's approach, if it would have made a difference, but I think it is worth a shot.<P>As to complimenting people at work, I think it is ok if done tastefully, but I am not a woman's libber type. I never have been. I love compliments and I'm never offended. Other woman may not feel the same way so you should probably be careful.<P>Keep trying to save that marriage. I also read a great book called The Love Languages which the man I am dating gave me. It follows the same principles as Marriage Builders and it is a quick and easy read. You might want to read that for some additional relationship tips. Some of the suggestions seem so simple and I wanted to go back in time and try those with my x. But, again, it was too late.<P>I agree that you should not date right now. Wait until your divorce is final if at all possible. Especially, if you feel there is any chance of reconciliation. I think dating other people is dangerous because of the "romantic feelings" that you may feel. Once you start feeling that way, you may not want to get back with your wife and fight for your marriage even if it is the best thing to do.<P>I got a lot of packing done this weekend. I close in 5 days. Pretty stressful and sad, but also exciting too. Does that sound crazy? <P>Thanks for your words of encouragement.<P>Jennifer

OK Jayhawk93,<P>Now we are getting really eery! The whole thing about "not opening" up to your wife - word for word out of my counselor's mouth. The first visit we had together with him he asked us to go home and each write a letter. My letter was to tell my wife how much I loved her and what it was that I loved about her. Her letter was to express the anger she had at me and why things upset her.<P>When I brought my letter in, the counselor began shaking his head. He told me that when he first met with my wife alone, she portrayed me to be this unfeeling, cold person. Then as he sat there reading the letter and he told me that it was so apparent how much I loved her. But he said I needed to open up and tell her. Just thinking the thoughts of love were not enough - she needed to hear them.<P>I told him I had already began to do just that (and I still do today). But just like your wife she kept saying "a little too little, a little too late". I would tell her that this is how I always felt, I just never know how to vocalize it to her. Not good enough. Now I am in a situation where I really think I am "damned if I do, damned if I don't". If I do still compliment her and show her appreciation, I run the risk of pushing her further away, but if I don't show her appreciation I run the risk of her saying "see he hasn't changed". And, I don't know which is the bigger risk.<P>As for whether there was someone else.... Months ago I did "smell smoke" and they say "where there is smoke there is often fire". I believe there was another person whom she began to move towards. I still don't think it got physical, but I know it got emotional. I think that was part of the reason she got depressed. She always claimed to be this very moralistic, upstanding person, but now she was in this "relationship" and she did not know how to stop it and she knew it was wrong.<P>I think that is part of the reason she "ran" to Florida to be with her brother. I don't know how pathetic this sounds, but even if there really was someone else, I believe that I would be able to forgive. I don't think I ever could (or should) approve of what she did, but I think I could forgive. I know evil exists out there. Right before the "*hit hit the fan" with us, we were at the lowest point of our marriage and I was at the lowest point of my career. At that exact time, I was at a client's office when the client came on to me. And she was very attractive. Never had that happened to me in all the years I knew my wife, but at my weakest moment, the devil put this woman there in front of me. Needless to say I turned her down and made every effort from then on to avoid her at all costs. I went home to my wife and that day I truly was shown that evil does exist in this world. <P>My wife on the other hand is not a very strong person. If she had begun to give up on me, thinking I would never change, and she felt down on herself for our marriage and relationship, if a man started showing her affection, I could understand (again not approve or condone) if she became confused. Is that wrong of me to "understand" or am I just being blind and pathetic? I still argue back and forth with myself over this.<P>Finally on the "rushing into a divorce". I have thought about this a lot and talked a lot with my counselor about it. And it sounds like you were doing the exact same thing I started I done. Once I found out what was wrong with us, I began making up for it in every way I could. And my emotions began to come out in full force. They had been bottled up for so long, there were so many times I found myself in tears (like you, I think I cried in front of her a whole 2 times since I knew her). Looking back I see that this just made me look weak and needful in her eyes. I unknowingly put even more pressure on her. She began to feel trapped and getting away from me was the only solution. The divorce issue I believe is in her mind the "key" to really being on her own and independent. She attaches so much belief in that once she is divorced everything will be great. I think there are many here that can attribute that it is often the exact opposite. My advice to you is to "turn off the tears" in front of her. Keep the emotion, but save the tears for other family members. Try to regain the strength she fell in love with you for. Just temper that strength with your new found openess. I don't know if it will work, but that is just what I have been trying to do.<P>About three months ago I stopped all contact with her. And anything that had to be said or written was done very "matter of factly". Well after four weeks, she contacted me and asked "why I was mad at her?". I told her I wasn't mad, just doing my own thing. From then on we began talking again. Unfortunately I found myself reverting back to the mushy letters and emails. Now I am working on temporing them down again.<P>I think 38 Special put it best when they said to "hold on loosely, but don't let go - If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control".<P>My family gets so frustrated sometimes with me, because one day I say "thats it, time to move on, I'm getting over her" and the next day I am writing her a letter saying how much I miss her. For me, balance in my life and feelings for her, is a daily struggle.<P>Hang tough.<BR>And stay in-touch. I think we could both learn from our situations, being that they are so similar.

SoTired2000:<P>I think the reality to our situations is that we both truly love our wives and we don’t have a clue as to what is going on in their heads. That’s what we men get for loving women! I have often heard that men are more rational while women are more emotional. We (men) are trying to apply logic to understand a completely emotional set of circumstances. It just doesn’t work that way.<P>My situation began on June 18th, father’s day! I’m glad for that reason that we don’t have kids or this day would be ruined for me forever. I can’t remember if you told me how long ago your situation began, but I too have run the gamut of emotions, letters, phone calls, conversation and emails. All of this has gotten me nowhere except by myself and lonely. I haven’t had any contact with my wife now for 1 week and I am actually beginning to feel a little stronger and a little better about my situation. This is the first time in my entire life that I have been on my own and I am free to do whatever what ever I want, whenever I want. The thing is, I don’t have a clue what THAT is! I am 30 years old, have a decent career, a lot of friends, a great family, a house, a truck, some debt (the American dream) and I’m paralyzed between the world I’ve known and complete freedom. Even though my wife says she moved so quickly on the divorce was so that we could each move on with our lives, I still feel that I am in limbo.<P>I’ve started doing small things to make myself feel a little more comfortable in the house. I’ve moved around some furniture, bought some new sheets, added a few decorating items that I know my wife wouldn’t have approved on and have moved a larger TV into the bedroom. These changes definitely do not make up for being alone, but they have helped to make the house feel a little like mine and still not ‘ours.’ Maybe this is just a mental thing, but I don’t mind coming back to the house now as much as I did before. The other big step I took was changing the locks on the house. My wife still had a key and was always very respectful about calling before she came over, but I just decided one day while coming home from work that it was time to make that change. I haven’t spoken with her, so she is still unaware that I have changed the locks. She’ll find out one of these days, but I’m not in a hurry to tell her.<P>I have noticed with my mood swings and the emotional roller coaster I’m on, that I get most upset when I’m trying to figure her out. My marriage and her decisions right now are completely out of my control. It’s not that I am a control freak or anything, but lack of control for me is uncharted ground and is causing me some very real insecurity. I find that if I concentrate on the things in my life that I do have control over, I do much better emotionally. I have also found some real peace in the ability to start feeling angry about what she is doing. Whenever I started to get mad at her for doing this, I would stop myself and feel guilty because I was being unfair toward my wife (at least in my head). I then realized that she was being very unfair to me, outwardly, and feeling a little anger and hatred for the situation was normal and somewhat therapeutic.<P>I have started with therapy on my own to help me through this even though my wife was not willing. One of the exercises my therapist has had me working on is the habit of journaling. I try to take some time each evening to write in my journal and to reflect on some the events of feelings experienced during the day. I don’t write in it every night, but when I do, it seems to help. There was once exercise specifically that I didn’t understand at the time, but ended up being very enlightening. My assignment was to write a letter to my wife listing everything about her and our relationship that I did not like. (Of course she was never meant to read this list.) I started listing things out on the computer and after awhile crap was just flowing. I listed the smallest, most ridiculous issues I could think of in addition to some larger, more serious ones. When all was said, my list was 3 full pages long! I was amazed that I could list that many things that I was truly unhappy about. I was asked to bring the list with me to my next session, which I did, and I let me therapist read it. After reading it, he asked me to read it out loud. I felt silly and really didn’t want to, but he talked me into it. I didn’t get 1/3 of the way through the list before the tears started. By the time I made it to the end of the list, I was literally crying like a baby and was exhausted. So much emotion and energy was released when I read this list out loud, it just amazed me. The therapist said that until you hear your own voice verbalizing some of the issues, the realization of them will never set in. My next assignment was to make a list explaining all of the good things about her and the marriage. After coming up with 3 pages of bad, I was literally scared that I couldn’t come up with anything good. I sat down and surprised myself, coming up with 3 pages of good as well. The same scenario played out in my next session, but I think it was harder reading through this list because a lot of these issues were things that were very special to me that I am really going to miss. I did not share these lists with my wife, but I did tell her of the exercise. She seemed surprised that I had so many bad things to say, but she was flat out amazed that I had so much good to say as well. Her exact words were, “I had no idea that you had that much love for me.” It broke my heart to hear her say this. It was almost as painful as her saying, “It’s not that I don’t want to be married again, it’s just that I don’t want to be married to you.” I know that I’m a good person, but the fact that my wife could actually say these things to me made me feel like a real [censored]. But when I stop and think about it, how in the world was I expected to “fix it” if I didn’t know it was broke?<P>I think it was these two comments by her that started me in the direction I went with the emails and the letters. Once I saw that she wasn’t responding or sharing any of her feelings at all, I decided that pursuing her like this was a waste of my time. Getting the words out made me feel better, but her rejection of them would just bring me down. Now the fact that I haven’t heard from her in a week upsets me a little, but it is defiantly something I have to get used to. I also don’t think she has gotten physical with anyone else yet, but I could easily see how she could be getting emotionally involved with someone and her getting out of our marriage when she did was her only way to deal with her guilt and emotions.<P>I feel a little guilty from time to time as thoughts of dating again myself come to mind, but just having these thoughts is not a crime. I am hoping that once my wife sees that I am moving on and that I’m living my life without her, she may start craving the attention from me again. This is something that may never happen, but I have to believe that fate will continue to play a part in this saga and whatever happens will be best for both us in the long run. Our 2 year wedding anniversary is next week and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle that. Since we are still married, I thought maybe we could go out to dinner together, but I really don’t think that would be a very good idea, at least not for me. I’m thinking of making a date with my family for that night, just so I won’t be alone. <P>You mentioned some lyrics from 38 special in your prior post. I have recently come across 2 songs which have hit home on some levels. The first one is “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park, and the other is “Complete” by Lit. If you have the opportunity to listen to either one, I’d be curious to see what you think if them. They aren’t perfect songs for the situation, but they are fitting.<P>Take care.<BR>

Oooh! I heard a bunch of that same stuff from my x. Only we had been married 17 years. Had a 4-y-o d and 2-y-o s. <P>I did everything I could think of and everything the therapist suggested but nothing worked. And it's ok now - I guess. It took us a really long time to get divorced and that's fine. But by the time it happened, I knew there was little chance...<P>It's still sad to me but it is ok. I'm in a better place than I've ever been. Sounds strange but it's true. <P>You know, life goes on even when we think we're going to die from it. God has always been there to get me through. <P>I simply can't say enough about Him. The greatest thing in my life.

Jayhawk93,<P>You do know that I am 30 yrs old as well, or will be in about a month? It amazes me how similar things seem to be, all the way down to re-arranging the house.<P>And yes, control with me is something that I have been working on. For the longest time I felt that if I did not have control of everything, it would all fall apart (work, wife, friends, etc...). Now I just work on saying "oh well" its out of my hands (easier said then done, but I am starting to see some progress!). I guess the bottom line is what so many others have said here on this board "How could this person who pledged their love to me, wake up one day and decide it was over?". I'll probably never know the answer to that one.<P>But don't fall for her rationalization that "she is only doing it so you both can move on" - My wife said the same thing and I think it is a bunch of *rap! It is her way of getting through her decision. She always believed 100% in marriage and even told people that if "we" ever had problems, divorce would not be an option - we would go to counseling as long as it took. That she knew God did not believe in divorce. Now she says that God does not want her to be in an unhappy marriage (its amazing how the mind can rationalize things when it needs to).<P>Now I have something else to think about...Just the other day my sister-in-law told me that she has a friend (29 yrs old) who is just about finished with her divorce. They were talking and she wants to meet me. According to my sister, the girl is very nice and very pretty and she is really only looking for someone who is in a similar "boat" to talk with and maybe become friends with. Being "just friends" would be a good thing I think for me right now - but, so many problems could arise from it. I hate hurting other people and I would not want to hurt this woman, but she just wants to talk?.... But then I feel guilty, but then I say "well who cares what my wife thinks", and then the fear sets in that what if I start to like this girl and she does not feel the same, and on and on... When in reality I don't think it would be any big deal - I just don't know... It all sucks for lack of a better word. Like you I feel "stuck" between two lives, or more like "torn". <P>And can you believe I sometimes even get scared that I will lose the love I have for my wife? How screwed up is that? "I" worry about falling out of love with this woman who says she doesn't love me !!!<P>Sometimes (not often) I wish I could be unconcerned like many men are - just be carefree and do whatever to whoever. But unfortunately, or fortunately, that is not me.<P>Now my wife has stopped replying to anything I send her. Guess its time to stop sending things altogether.<P>Its not the sex I miss or anything like that, I miss the comfort and best friendship I had with her. The good times we had. The fun we could have doing absolutely nothing. But most of all the not having someone who can hold me like she used to - that is the worst, the unexpected onset of lonliness that occurs without warning.<P>What can we do? I place my trust in God, don't think He will ever lead me astray.

SoTired2000,<P>My friend, I think we are both screwed We each love our wives dearly and want our marriages to work out, but it is totally out of our control at this point. I have often wondered why I am expending SO much energy on this person who has obviously isn’t considering my feelings in regard to anything she has done. She has decided what she wants to do with her life, at least at this point, and she is doing it. I think the only thing that makes sense is move ourselves into selfish mode and do only that which makes ourselves happy, excluding them.<P>I too am very lonely and know exactly what you mean about missing the companionship of your best friend and wife. The lack of sex isn’t the issue with me either, although I miss it, the frequency of that had tapered off over the past few years anyway, so it’s not that big of deal. I have mentioned it before, but not having my morning hug and routine “I love you” is something I just can’t get past. I have often felt that if I still was getting that, I would be in a much happier, secure place right now. I can hug my dog on the way out, but it’s not quite the same.<P>Because of the craving for companionship, I too am becoming more open to the thought of spending time with new people. My biggest fear with that is I don’t want to become attached to the first woman who shows me the slightest interest. At this point, I am only interested in spending time with someone who also divorced because of the commonality of the situation. I am afraid that meeting someone with wounds as fresh as mine would be a bad thing as we both would probably just dump on one another. At the same time though, seeing someone that has gone through this a while back will probably be beyond it and will not want to relieve the same painful memories again. So once again, I’m screwed <P>I have become more aware of the single women that I already know, but the few I have an interest in getting to know better are all now single mothers. The fact that they have children does not bother me, but it does bring up some potential issues in regard to what’s best for the kids. With my caretaker personality I’m afraid that I would get myself too attached to the situation and would not have the strength to leave if it wasn’t what I wanted. Something I know I have to work on is my natural ability to worry and analyze every situation when it comes to relationships. I sometimes feel myself that my life would be easier if I could only be more carefree and self absorbed about relationships, kind of like my college ‘slut’ buddies, but that is not who I am. While some of my friends have concerned themselves with the quantity of women they have dated, I have always gone for the quality. If I started to date a woman and could not see her as a possible wife, then I would end it before it got too involved. I have only seriously dated 2 women since high school. The first I wanted to marry, but it didn’t work out, and the second is soon to be my ex wife. I never really have dated too much for fun because I figured that I would be wasting my time. Although I wouldn’t trade the memories of the past 7 years with my wife, I do feel as if I wasted a big chunk of my adult life. On the positive side though, I will be that much better prepared for my next relationship and may become a better person because of it. I am thankful though that she has ended this now rather than in another 10 or 15 years when it would be that much harder for us to start over. <P>I met a woman the other night that I think would be a blast to hang out with for awhile. She is divorced, 39 years old, and has 3 daughters ranging in age to 14. There probably wouldn’t be that much of a chance for a long term relationship there, but I think she would be a good companion for awhile. I have another friend that I have known for a while who is a 23 year old single mom. This one scares the crap out of me though because she possesses many of the same qualities that I absolutely adore in my wife. What really scares me is that I can almost see her as the person I am losing and I think I would latch on way too fast. Emotionally, she could just destroy me and it would be my own fault! Besides that, she is still trying to work things out with the father of her baby and I don’t want to become a catalyst in breaking that off. If there was not a child involved, then all bets would be off, but I’m not a family buster. She would definitely have to be the pursuer in this case. Don’t get me wrong, I would rather have my wife over anyone else I currently know, but she isn’t allowing that to happen and has not given me any hope that it will ever change.<P>My wife called me tonight by the way. It was the first time I have heard her voice in over a week. We have only spoken once since we had a very ugly conversation a few weeks back and that conversation was very tense as well. She called tonight because she had one legal issue to discuss, but we did talk about other things. The conversation lasted about 15 minutes. I wanted to get off the phone sooner because I knew that I would get depressed later in the evening, but I really missed talking to her. It’s funny, but even the sound of her voice still turns me on Maybe it was just the familiarity with us, but as long as we weren’t speaking about the issues of the divorce, nothing seemed to have changed between us. It again makes me wonder how all of this could possibly happen.<P>Ok, I’ve rambled on for long enough, again. But I find that getting these things out in the open really helps to keep the depression and sadness in check.<P>Your turn <BR>

Ditto on the phone conversations. Over the past few months she will usually call me at work during the day. Our conversations usually start out great - Like old times. But even then you can hear her "catch" herself. Once the conversation gets going to good, she will bring up something about the divorce. I've come to the conclusion that it is actually better when I don't talk to her. But then I end up missing the conversations - crazy huh?<P>And the same for the dog - I have a Siberian Husky, so not only is he there for companionship, he forces me to get out of the house and exercise (Have to walk/run him 2x per day) and this is after spending an hour at the gym. What amazes me is how much my wife used to love this dog and dote over him, now she barely even asks about him.<P>She no longer refers to our home as "our house", she uses the street address only. Its the silly little things like these that tell me more than she ever could, through direct words. She is desperately trying to pretend none of this happened (marriage, life together, etc...). The one good thing, however difficult it may be, is that I am facing my emotions and trying to "work through them" not hide from them like her. Sure sometimes it makes me seem weak on the outside, but I can not tell you the sense of strength it has given me over the past months.<P>Ready to start dating? Still not sure. May end up just calling this girl and talking. I think that would be a good start. Maybe it will lessen the need for me to always want to talk/write/hear from my wife. And maybe my lack of interest will give "her" some food for thought as well. Who knows...<P>But I don't think we are screwed per say, more like caught in a strong current - we can't get anywhere on the river. Maybe instead of trying to swim upstream and get on with our lives, or downstream to relive our past, we just need to stop and begin to swim sideways to give us some room to breathe.<P>God is watching over us both. And He is watching over our wives. My trust is in Him. Up until a couple weeks ago I had put it "all" in His hands which brought me such relief and comfort, but since then I have found myself stumbling and trying to "take back control" which has caused me nothing but grief. I think it is time to let Him control things again.<P>Take care. I'll be around!

I often wonder if it’s possible that your wife and my wife are the same person! My W also used to dote on our dog, now she doesn’t mention him. She also doesn’t even like coming back over to the house because it is too painful for her. Whenever we speak on the phone she will inevitably change the subject to some detail regarding the divorce. She will always preface it with something like, “now can we talk about some unhappy stuff” before she just lays into it. Last night I made it a point to keep the conversation as far away from the divorce as possible, yet she did manage to get us there. It made me wonder if she was only calling for the purpose of the legal stuff and just wanted to add some ‘fluff’ to make it easier. I’ve come to the conclusion myself when she “catches” herself and brings up the divorce that it’s just her way of keeping herself grounded and it brings her back to her own reality. I will be curious to see how our conversations will go after all of this is final and the need to bring up legal/divorce issues will be a mute point.<P>I have been fighting the urge all day to send her an email offering an explanation to our ‘ugly’ conversation from a few weeks back. I asked myself this one simple question, “what is it that I hope to accomplish by sending the email?” My answer was that I wanted her to feel ok with me again, to trust me and to feel that it is ok if she just wants to call and talk. The truth of the matter is that I would be offering an explanation for her and not for me. I have asked, pleaded, almost begged for some explanations from her and I haven’t gotten them. Why should I go out of my way to make her feel all warm and fuzzy when she is being flat and cold to me? It is for this reason that I have not sent her the email, at least not yet.<P>The most ‘responsive’ she has been with me during this entire ordeal is when I have been the furthest from her. When I have pushed, she has run and when I have walked away myself, I hear from her. The fact that she has displayed some jealousy was very enlightening for me. It was if to say, “I don’t want you anymore, but I don’t anyone else to have you either.” I have been spending more time trying to understand what she doesn’t say rather than listening to her words. I like what I hear from her body language a lot more. Her words hurt, but I know she still loves me. I also know that she is hurting as well and she is dealing with this the best way she can. It’s sad in a way. I almost find myself feeling bad for her that she felt the need to run rather than to face what is really bothering her. It’s obvious that the communication level between us has been poor and I would really like to work on this with her, but with her not being willing, I no longer want to make the attempt. I think I’ll include letters as a big part of my next relationship as I usually do a much better job expressing my words on paper than I do verbally. Maybe that’s because I can take my time and choose the best words when I write rather than just blurting out whatever comes into my head as I speak? I think that’s a pretty normal thing, as long as you are able to express yourself in some way.<P>I think your idea of calling this new person may be a good thing for you. I definitely would not condone a relationship other than friendship until your divorce is final, but there is nothing wrong with getting to know someone new and enjoying a little companionship. Just make sure that if you can’t see yourself dating this person in the future, but you do enjoy her company as friend, that you let her know. Make it evident that friendship is ALL you are after so that you don’t run the risk of hurting her down the road. She is vulnerable right now too and you don’t want to run the risk of hurting her.<P>I best get back to work. Actually, it’s time for my mile long jaunt during lunch!<BR>

I often wonder if it’s possible that your wife and my wife are the same person! My wife also used to dote on our dog, now she doesn’t mention him. She also doesn’t even like coming back over to the house because it is too painful for her. Whenever we speak on the phone she will inevitably change the subject to some detail regarding the divorce. She will always preface it with something like, “now can we talk about some unhappy stuff” before she just lays into it. Last night I made it a point to keep the conversation as far away from the divorce as possible, yet she did manage to get us there. It made me wonder if she was only calling for the purpose of the legal stuff and just wanted to add some ‘fluff’ to make it easier. I’ve come to the conclusion myself when she “catches” herself and brings up the divorce that it’s just her way of keeping herself grounded and it brings her back to her own reality. I will be curious to see how our conversations will go after all of this is final and the need to bring up legal/divorce issues will be a mute point.<P>I have been fighting the urge all day to send her an email offering an explanation to our ‘ugly’ conversation from a few weeks back. I asked myself this one simple question, “what is it that I hope to accomplish by sending the email?” My answer was that I wanted her to feel ok with me again, to trust me and to feel that it is ok if she just wants to call and talk. The truth of the matter is that I would be offering an explanation for her and not for me. I have asked, pleaded, almost begged for some explanations from her and I haven’t gotten them. Why should I go out of my way to make her feel all warm and fuzzy when she is being flat and cold to me? It is for this reason that I have not sent her the email, at least not yet.<P>The most ‘responsive’ she has been with me during this entire ordeal is when I have been the furthest from her. When I have pushed, she has run and when I have walked away myself, I hear from her. The fact that she has displayed some jealousy was very enlightening for me. It was if to say, “I don’t want you anymore, but I don’t anyone else to have you either.” I have been spending more time trying to understand what she doesn’t say rather than listening to her words. I like what I hear from her body language a lot more. Her words hurt, but I know she still loves me. I also know that she is hurting as well and she is dealing with this the best way she can. It’s sad in a way. I almost find myself feeling bad for her that she felt the need to run rather than to face what is really bothering her. It’s obvious that the communication level between us has been poor and I would really like to work on this with her, but with her not being willing, I no longer want to make the attempt. I think I’ll include letters as a big part of my next relationship as I usually do a much better job expressing my words on paper than I do verbally. Maybe that’s because I can take my time and choose the best words when I write rather than just blurting out whatever comes into my head as I speak? I think that’s a pretty normal thing, as long as you are able to express yourself in some way.<P>I think your idea of calling this new person may be a good thing for you. I definitely would not condone a relationship other than friendship until your divorce is final, but there is nothing wrong with getting to know someone new and enjoying a little companionship. Just make sure that if you can’t see yourself dating this person in the future, but you do enjoy her company as friend, that you let her know. Make it evident that friendship is ALL you are after so that you don’t run the risk of hurting her down the road. She is vulnerable right now too and you don’t want to run the risk of hurting her.<P>I best get back to work. Actually, it’s time for my mile long jaunt during lunch!<BR>

To be honest, my wife and I were not communicating at all up until about a month ago. I had stopped writing/emailing everything, then she comes around with a phone call. Its amazing. This time I am going to "let go" again and pray for the strength to continue with it. I'll know I am doing it out of my love for her, but not contacting her will be difficult.<P>The last time she came to the house was about 4 months ago. She had to knock on the door - boy that must have been weird, huh? When she came in, she was all happy go lucky. We talked for a while, she showed me the video of her skydiving trip - she had never done anything like that before. I did not know how to act, UNTIL she hugged me. Right then and there I felt all the feelings from before. But I let it get to me and my eyes welled up with tears (wish I could have fought them back) Oh well.<P>As for being the same person, I am starting to wonder that myself! One thing I don't think I mentioned here, but thought it may be worth asking is about your wife's past (childhood). How was it? Anything out of the ordinary? I ask for a reason. My wife had a couple "bad" events happen to her when she was younger - events that she has not/nor will she deal with. And she has a very weird "love-hate" relationship with her father (he is VERY controlling). In recent years it was amazing how many times she compared me to her father (not in a good way). Looking back I could see how I took on a lot of his negative qualities in her eyes, but I know that I am a completely different person than him. Guess I am just curious to find out where our wives similarities end?<P>Don't send the email. You won't get the response you are looking for - chance are she will take it the wrong way anyway. I will make you a deal: Everytime either one of us thinks they need to send their wives a message, lets post it here as a new message and then wait for the other to respond. It could be kind of like a "safety plug" to make sure we keep strong. What do you think?<P>Lets try to be strong and see what happens. I know you are in a little different situation with the D coming up so fast, but it can't hurt. And remember as a few other people have posted here, a D is just a piece of paper - it does not have to be "the end".<P>Good Luck. Stay Strong.

You’ve got yourself a deal on the “safety plug” idea. I wish I would have checked the post sooner because I did end up sending the email. Actually, I only did it because I negotiated a change with the credit company that will basically cover my a$$ and will help to ease some tension with us in the future. Although we don’t have kids forcing us to remain in contact, her debt in my name will probably guarantee some contact for quite some time. I kept mention of our prior ugliness to a minimum. I did get a response from her and it was basically what I expected, not too much on the personal side, but I did get an apology <P>I only mentioned two personal things that I just couldn’t refrain from:<BR>1.) that I missed my friend, and <BR>2.) that I was really craving her hug<P>As expected, I received no response in regard to those two issues, but as I said, I didn’t expect one. So I didn’t get what I wanted (again) but overall, I am very pleased with the outcome.<P>As to my wife’s history….Yes, she does have some issues from her past. Some regarding a past boyfriend that I am very aware of. We had discussed these issues, in fact, she started going to therapy for them but she didn’t stick to it very long. This guy was a real ‘prince’, the type of guy that just deserves whatever ugliness comes his way. In time, he will have to atone for his sins and I pity him. Back to my wife….I am pretty sure that she has some other issues dating back to her childhood as well, but I don’t know what they are. She just recently eluded to "something from a long time ago", but did not elaborate. I am positive that whatever her issues are, they are definitely contributing to this decision in some way. I hope she finds a way to work through these issues in time or she will never be a happy person. I can see her moving into another relationship and having the same outcome as this if she’s not careful.<P>I too am very much like her father, but I believe him to be a great man and can’t see that any of her issues involved him. He is gentle, kind, loving and an overall good guy. Knowing her family like I do, I can’t imagine that any of her skeletons would concern her immediate family members. Unless she confides in me at some point, I’ll never know.<P>I know that a divorce is just a piece of paper, but our relationship cannot and will not be the same ever again. I love her and would like to keep the friendship piece, but that is really going to take some time. I scare myself a little in the fact that I am even considering the option of dating again, but as I mentioned in another post today, I don’t like to be alone and I think meeting someone new is a good way to help me break away from ‘her.’ I don’t think it diminishes the amount of love I feel for her, it’s just that I feel as if I’m being punished since I’m not happy and I need to do now whatever it takes to make me happy. And if she doesn’t like it or feels hurt if I start dating immediately after the divorce, that’s not my problem.<P>By the way, that’s a big step for me to be putting my feelings before hers since all of this cr_p began.<P>I feel strong <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited September 26, 2000).]