A few months ago my wife addmitted to an affair twenty years ago when she didn't have to. We have had a number of discussions about it and all other aspects of our 32 year marriage that has basically been a good marriage between us - good not perfect. We are commited to working on a 'Born Again" marriage and are doing well.<P> In my hurt, some anger and depression, I searched the web and was fortunate to find MB site. The site has been a godsend for me.<P> What is still ahead is my having to accept the fact that she may never say 'I'm sorry about the affair'. I do not want an insincere apology - Honesty is very important to both of us.<BR> Second best would be 'I'm sorry for the hurt I put you through'. Without at least that - my acceptance will take longer. She is working on that.<P> MY QUESTION... Aside from self justification, why do so few betrayers never say 'Im sorry'??????<P><BR> loving hubby

loving hubby -<BR>In my opinion there are a couple of major reasons why you won't hear "I'm sorry". First is the justification. In order to make themselves feel better, the betrayers have to find a way to say that the affair was justified. If an action is justifiable, then no apology is necessary.<P>Another reason is that an apology may resurrect guilt and/or other bad feelings that the betrayer is trying to avoid.<P>I think that only the most sociopathic individuals don't feel regret or some need to apologize to the betrayed spouse, they just can't make themselves do it.<P>I have been waiting for W to express some kind of regret, but the only thing she has been able to say is that she is sorry she hurt me. The affair was unfortunate, but justified.

loving hubby,<BR>Is this more of a woman thing, not saying they are sorry? Has she said it and maybe you just didn't hear? I remember way way back, I've been in recovery for 19mo., my H said alot, but I was so devistated that later when I would question him, he would say, "I told you that" I had no clue that he had. Also, he would say, "you wouldn't believe me anyway" and he was right, I didn't belive him at all at first because he had deceived me for 3 years. Different personalities react in different ways, the fact that she never told you about the affair in all these years, evidently not wanting to hurt you and cause your marriage to falter, shows a hugh feeling of sorry and wanting YOU. I can imagin how hurt you are, BUT, I wish I were you and it was that far in the past with years of togetherness between us. I too have been married over 30 years, I have realized life is to short to be taking out time for unhappiness, being distant from each other, and not realizing what we have now. Trust is the hardest to regain, and you have it now, suck it in and move on, slap yourself in the face and realize what you have now. As you regain respect and compassion for her, I can see you both relaxing, having a conversation that YOU say," I am so sorry this ever happened" and she will say, " me too!" She is being put on the block right now and she is scared, I'm like you, so what, but it is the truth, she is hurting also. Give her TIME, we can do that for them, they can do that for us, after all, it is such a small amount to give after all these years we have been through and all that we have in the future to share with each other. <P>------------------<BR>"TIME" <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited September 01, 1999).]

Dear Loving Hubby:<BR>Possibly due to guilt or possibly because they lost all their feelings for their partner and are with someone else or maybe their partners hurt them sooooo much that this is their revenge to make them hurt like they were hurt. Or maybe they are just inconsiderate, or maybe they just don't know how to apologize for something that they understand that they did hurt so much. <BR>Again, I could go on...There are probably many reasons for the "why not" because each relationship is different just like every human being is different with a different upbringing and different values, so what one may do, another may not do and the reasons may be any possible one.<BR>so, I probably didn't answer your question, but probably your question won't get answered because there is no one answer. Katya

Dear Loving Hubby:<BR>Possibly due to guilt or possibly because they lost all their feelings for their partner and are with someone else or maybe their partners hurt them sooooo much that this is their revenge to make them hurt like they were hurt. Or maybe they are just inconsiderate, or maybe they just don't know how to apologize for something that they understand that they did hurt so much. <BR>Again, I could go on...There are probably many reasons for the "why not" because each relationship is different just like every human being is different with a different upbringing and different values, so what one may do, another may not do and the reasons may be any possible one.<BR>so, I probably didn't answer your question, but probably your question won't get answered because there is no one answer. Katya

Justification and guilt seem to be the only reasons. I may just have to live with that.<P>Thanks to those who responded - would love to hear from more forum members.

LH, <P>I'm not sure about others, but I HAVE said "I'm so sorry" many many times. I truly am. My love for my husband is so deep and true that I still can't fathom why on earth I would have done such a thing. Lonliness doesn't excuse or justify it.<P>I do however feel that many betrayers need to justify it until they can accept the pain and guilt of their betrayal. <P>Be patient, and know that eventually she will realize just how sorry she is.<P>God's Peace,<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Sad4now,<P>Thanks for your input. I will be patient - my love for W is strong. In the long run our marriage will be even better than I believed it to have been over the many years.<P>I just want to get over the pain as soon and completely as possible. Understanding as much as I can will help the process speed up to closure.<P>God Bless<P>loving husband<P><BR>Speaking of process....<BR>When a person is confronted with the diagnosis of a terminal illness - I understand the process to consist of:<BR>Denial<BR>Anger<BR>Bargaining

Hit the wrong button..<BR>continued...<P>Depression<BR>Acceptance<P>Is there a generally accepted process for the betrayed to go through to acceptance.<P>Knowledge, experience or ideas..Anybody?????

LH...<P>The process you talk about is the grieving process, a well known process which fits many situations, not only that of terminal illness. Any loss of something we value - a person, a life, a dream, an expectation, a belief etc. causes us to go through the same grieving process. We are all going through this process because of a loss - those who have been betrayed have lost the sanctity of their marriage, their life as they know it, their partner, or similar. The betrayers are grieving through loss of a dream, a person or similar. We all need to work through the process, because if we get stuck at one point it can cause major problems -<BR>depression, replacement, displacing anger upset and sadness onto someone else etc. There are many descriptions of the grieving process. Some say there are 4 stages - Numbness, Yearning/Searching, Anger/Despair,and Reorganisation/Integration. or, there is the more commonly known process that you have described. It doesn't really matter - what matters is that the process applies to all of us, and we can't force it, or premature resolution occurs whereby unresolved feelings affect our lives forever. This happens more than we think - ie outbursts of anger, sadness, despair etc. for many years after the loss. We all need to grieve what we have lost, in order to make it through to acceptance. Reading about the grieving process and how to work through it, recognising each phase and how to overcome it, can be really valuable for all of us ....does't really matter what we have "lost" - the process is the same! (There speaks the Health Professional in me!!!) Actually, I'm a bit stuck at the moment - a case of do what I say, not do what I do - but I know I have to move through to make it to the end eventually!<P>BTW - my H tells me he is sorry for hurting me - many times, but has told me he is not sorry it happened..because it awakened things in him he never knew he could feel before....

sosad<P>Thanks so much for taking the time to post a reply to my question. <BR>GRIEVING is the process I was looking for. I've told W that I know I have to go through a process - I just didn't know what it was or how to do it. <P>NUMBNESS Wow!!! That sure hit the nail on the head. I was cluless all these years. A male thing I guess when it comes to relationships.<P>ANGER/DESPAIR That came after the numbness. Nearly past all that, will some anger linger for life?????<P>YEARNING/SEARCHING Been in this stage for a while.<P>REORGANIZATION/INTEGRATION I'm here too.<P>W and I are building our relationship to be stronger than ever, she does have to realize what I am going through, and I just can't<BR>"Just let it rest" until the process is complete.<P>Your comments on rushing are well taken. I<BR>believe I am being fair to ask for enough time to recovery.<P>Might be interesting to put a new post about 'The Process'. I'll see if I have time over the weekend.<P>Thanks again sosad<P>