Well, it has almost been a month now since my husband said he just isn't "happy" and moved out. He refuses to talk to me (or anyone else that I know of) about it. The only time we talk is about bills and money. I cried, plotted, and schemed for the first 2 weeks. when I went through the whole week of Thanksgiving without hearing a word from him it made me wonder if he maybe just doesn't give a damn anymore. Now I am feeling like I am in control of my destiny. I am not counting on him for my happiness anymore. I still miss him terribly and would still do anything to work it out, but at this time he seems to have no desire to do that. Although that makes me very sad, it almost is kind of a relief in a way because I can start worrying about myself instead of always thinking about him. Some how this whole thing is starting to make me feel much stronger than I have felt in years. I guess I kind of lost my own identity in my marriage. Weird, huh? i am wondering if maybe I have changed so much in the 11 years that we have been together that i am not the same strong person that he originally fell in love with. I know that I could be that person again . I know that I will be happier that way, but the question is, how do I let him know that I am once again that person he used to love, without chasing him? Any ideas?<br>

LL,<p> I understand some of what you're going through. My husband hasn't moved out but he has totally withdrawn from me for the last month. I too am starting to look out for myself. I have 3 boys(16,12,and 2). I have decided I have to keep myself going for them. I am tired of having the low self-esteem that comes from giving in to make the marriage work. It never made it work, just prolonged the misery of him saying he was tired of my attitude all the time. I would always change whatever he said he didn't like while he would make promises that lasted a few days. I still love him and would like our marriage to work, but I have decided I will not push him out or ask him to stay anymore. I want him to make his own decision about us for once(no crying, begging, etc.). Hopefully, I'm making the right choice for myself. Something has to be better than nothing.<br> Hopefully, your husband will come to his senses. Take good care of yourself(not just so he will see you more confident, but for yourself). Good luck!<p> Aileen

I in somewhat the same situation, though my H is still talking, and actually interested in doing things together.<p>I would suggest reading "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. Her approach is diffenrt to say the least, and focuses on what YOU can do differntly to change the dynamics in your relationship, as well as yourself.<p>My own first application of the concepts was a 100% success. Got me 2 dates planned with my H!.<p>J

This is exactly how I am feeling. I hit rock bottom this last week (see I think I've had enough).<br>I still love him, but I think I'm a little less in love with him than I was.<br>I now recognise that I have a limit. I don't think I am there yet, because I still want us to rebuild our relationship. Before, however he would treat me, I would still beg him to give up the OW, and not to finish with me.<br>Now, I think I have found my self-respect again.<br>Another book is 'How to get your lover back' by Blase Harris, which has some useful ideas in it.<br>At the moment, my H wants us to see each other as friends, which I am going to use to show him that I still love him, but I am not going to pressure him anymore.<br>Bev

LL,<p>Maybe one idea would be to simply tell him that human beings are merely human beings, and part of being a human is the need for other people in the capacity of friends. Tell him that you would like to be his friend. And then try very hard (this is difficult according to my husband!) to treat him just as you would treat a really good friend. No hugs, no asking for reassurance of love, no sex -- just total and loving concern, acceptance, and support.<p>Although we are living together still, I have felt very smothered with love and his need for reassurance. It seems that we can not fulfill both of our needs - mine for space and respect, his for sex/affection. We have finally decided to try the friendship angle, because I have definately lost the friendly feeling for him. <p>I know that we are on "opposite" sides here, but one thing that we have in common is that we both women. I think it is very common for us to lose our 'identity' when in a marriage. I know that I have. I am trying to be stronger and do things on my own, and to remember that I can live without him (or any man for that matter). I would much much much rather be living with a man I love and respect who feels the same about me, but even if I do not a relationship like that in my life, I will be ok.<p>H wonders how I could have been unhappy for years and he never know it. He is afraid that if we do not talk daily about our relationship, then all of my unhappiness and frustration will get covered up again and then I will "drop another bombshell" on him in a few years and it will REALLY be over at that point. I have told him that one difference is that I am unwilling to live like that anymore; I can not lie to either one of us by being unhappy bc I am not going to go another 40 years thinkins "Is this all there is to life?" So maybe this is a way that I am trying to make myself stronger??<p>Anyway, I know that this is sort of advice from "his" side of the fence, but maybe it will help some.<p>Good luck with the holidays. Try to have a merry Christmas.<p>Maria

Thanks lot your responses. Hearing from the "other side" really puts a new light on it for me. The friendship thing seems to help some. We have been such good friends for so long (although I guess we have kinda fallen out of that this past year i guess) that it is really great to just talk again. I have not actually seen my h for about 3 weeks now and that is so hard for me. We talk on the phone fairly often and he is very friendly when we do. I don't know if we are getting anywhere or not but at least things are not getting worse. We still don't talk about us though. I guess he is still not ready for that. Who knows if he ever will be. Right now i just have to be happy with talking on the phone every now and then. The holidays will be tough, but I guess I'll manage. I hope everyone else has a good (at least bearable) holiday. Thaanks again for all of the advice and kind words.