Well, it's been one heck of a journey the last 6 months. W initiated marriage counselling in March, told me she wasn't in love with me in April, tried separation in May (she didn't give that a chance), found out about other man in June, served D papers in July, served motion for her to move out of state with 4 y.o. D in August, judge allowed her move in September, she's moving to her parents October 1.<P>And what another man he is!!! Her HS crush! The only time I met him was 14 years ago when he showed up at the first apartment W and I shared at 10PM on a Sunday night looking for coke!! They're both 42 years old!! He has lived with a variety of rich old divorced ladies!! He was lucky enough to cash in on NASDAQ after his folks died and left him house in FL!! <P>Our 12th anniversary will be October 15th!!<P>She says she's going to live with her folks until the spring. That's the time (coincidently) that this derelict returns from FL to pursue his golf game in New England from April-November. Suppose they'll get a place together with my precious daughter??<P>She continues to insist that this slug is not the reason for our upcoming divorce. Our marriage was stronger than ever (IMHO) up until she went to visit this flea bitten idiot in FL last January.<P>It seems like some kind of a wild combination of Mid Life Crisis, wanderlust, and trying to recapture those glory days of yesteryear. I have to laugh when I remember her saying last Spring, "I need to stand on my own two feet, I need to spread my wings."<P>Stand on her own two feet? We met 2 weeks after her breakup with some other slug who was mentally abusing her. She had a number of other BF's prior to him. I don't think she's been without a partner since she was maybe 15 years old!! Stand on her own two feet, what a lie!!<P>Anyway, about me moving on. I guess I'll have to get used to living in a 3 room apartment instead of the 5 bedroom 2 acre spread with the in ground pool I currently live in out in NJ horsey country. And not to mention the $1,175 per month between child support and daycare portion I'll be paying her (and him). It will be like a meal ticket for her. And help her with those Mercedes payments!<P>I am really looking forward to my cousin's wedding on 10/6. I'm being set up with a 40 year old divorced mother of 2 (I'm also 40!). I guess we'll be able to compare notes!! I hope like hell that she isn't the WS in her marital experience!! That would really suck!!<P>Next week starts our Parental Evaluation with court appointed psychologist. Big bucks and potential to create even more animosity. My chances of getting primary custody are slim to none. <P>I guess when I walked into court last week for the decision on the out of state move, I should've known the outcome. After all, my W is a redhead, her woman lawyer is a redhead, and the woman judge was a redhead. A redhead convention against passionate fathers!!<P>I'll be meeting with a new lawyer on Monday. Believe it or not, she's a redhead too!! Is this a bad sign?<P>Has anyone ever gone through PE (parental evaluation)? It sounds like it could get nasty. Maybe I'll change my mind about pursuing custody. But the thought of my D living with this brigand is killing me. I'm torn and don't want to kick myself in the butt a few years down the road for not trying.<P>Take care, and nitey nite!!<P>Jay B. <p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited September 21, 2000).]

catamount82,<P>Just reading your post made me exhausted. It sounds like it has been a tough year for you. My wife also has been trying to put our divorce on the "fast track", but I am doing everything I can to "slow it down" just to make sure it is the right thing for both of us. Don't have any children in this mess, that is one thing I am thankful to God for. <P>So sorry to hear about your story, then again I am sorry to hear about most of these stories on this site. Take some time to rest, focus on yourself and try to enjoy the NJ fall - I sure do...<P>I will say a prayer for you, your wife and your child.<P>God Bless.

Thank you SoTired. <P>Prayer is one thing my W can't comprehend, no respect for a superior being, dontcha know. In her mixed up brain, she is the superior being.<P>I have prayed many sleepless nights and all other times when possible (elevators, restrooms, etc...)<P>My prayers are with you and all the other victims of, whatever.<P>How long have you been married? How old are the two of you? Is there another man?<P>The year 2000 has been like a car odometer turning over for so many, all those zeros have scared the bajesus out of so many.<P>I can't tell you how bizarre it is that my W is with this guy after all the years of adulations and eschewing the kind of people she's mixed up with. It is truly a yearning for that youthful feeling. They sure screw up a lot of lives, including their own. My D is in such pain....shame on her!<P>Jay B.

catamount82<P>Fortunately or unfortunately, however you look at it, I am only 30 yrs old (wife is 27). We have known each other for over 8 years, married for over four. Heard all the comments that we were married to early, and on and on. Thing is they were partly correct - I honestly now feel that my wife was too young, not in age but in experience. But the one thing I did know is that we truly loved each other. And I know that she still loves me, its just that in her mind she is not "in-love" with me anymore? No matter how many times I hear or read that statement, it still bewilders me.<P>Not to go into too much depth, my story has been told in several different posts on this site, but I think when it all boils down, my wife just was not ready for the commitment of marriage. Sure commitment when things were good was great, but as soon as things got tough she allowed "the greener pasture" syndrome into her life. I knew marriage was going to be "work" and that "for better or for worse" was said at our wedding for a reason. I just don't think she really knew what "for worse" meant.<P>Anyways, we have been separated for 6 months. I still love her deeply and I am still holding out for a miracle to bring us back together. I pray daily for God to not let anger come into my life and amazingly it has worked. I feel more sorrow for my wife than I do anger. Sure I was 50% of the problems in our marriage (workaholic), and I have used the past year to reorganize my priorities and to bring my life back into balance. My wife thought I would never change, now she is stuck deciding whether to believe in the changes or not. Unfortunately her father is a lawyer and he is trying to control the situation (he feels the need to control everything in his family's life). In fact 90% of our arguments since we met were over her father. So not only am I working to bring her back, I am fighting her dad's control over her, in such a way that I don't put her in the middle. IF that makes any sense?<P>Anyways that is me in a "nutshell". Lots more circumstances to the relationship, but that should give ya an idea.<P>What I have found by being here on this site is that age does not matter. So many times I have read something that could have been written verbatum about "my" wife and our situation. Its amazing how situations tend to be similar in their contexts.<P>Know that everything DOES happen to better us. I think we are often able to learn much more from bad situations in our lives than from good happy ones. Its a shame about your daughter, I feel for you both. For her sake and for your own, strive to be the bigger person in this. Reach down inside and realize that your anger is more often than not a "mask" for your hurt and pain. Try facing that instead of focusing on the angry feelings. Once I started doing that, I felt such a calm come over me. I acknowledged to myself that I don't have control over my wife's life and actions, so all I can do is hand it over to God.<P>Am I sad - often! But am I happy - yes! Do I miss her with all my heart - yes. Am I mad at her for what she is doing - no, I feel sorry for her. When I do get angry (which does happen), I vent, I write it out and I move on. Do I have hope? - yes. <P>Will I wait?<P>Yes, I made a vow.

Catamount:<P>I'm so sorry about your situation. I would go in there fighting tooth and nail for your daughter's sake. Times are changing when it comes to custody of children. Maybe there is a chance you can win. I know the odds are still against you. But, you never really know unless you try. That little girl deserves to be with you!!! I will be praying for you.<P>So Tired:<P>You really are a great man, aren't you. I like your philosophy on life. I too prayed for my anger to be taken away each day that passed during my separation/divorce. I did find much peace in doing that. I will pray for you and your marriage.<P>Jennifer

Jenn,<P>Thanks for your concern and much more, your prayers. As of now, I'm going fighting tooth and nail. However, both my parents are dead set against it and are requesting a pow wow with me (they are divorced 12 years).<P>Their concern over pursuing this is primarily that of our daughter and the detriment it may cause her by us going through this phase. Secondly, they are worried of the ill feelings and further detriment of our ability communicate down the road. Afterall, we will be seeing each other every two weeks at the halfway point where we hand off our daughter like a football.<P>Many of her friends I've spoke with say she's out of her mind going back to this brigand after nearly 25 years. They also think deep down that she doesn't want our child but is worried over what her family would think of that. Afterall, without our daughter, she could more vigorously pursue this "getting back to her hometown youth" disease that afflicts her.<P>It is amazing and bizzarre, that a professional person such as her (we both are) would cash it in for a HS dropout who worked in a doughnut shop for 8 years.<P>This morning when she left, I told her to "give doughnut boy a big kiss for me." Yes, I have given up on Plan A and the lovebusters have been flying.<P>Until she drove a wedge between me and her family on the day after D-day, I had an excellent relationship with her folks. She has an ill sister (also divorced) with two ill children that the her aging parents care for constantly. Last April, before all the fecal matter hit the rotary oscillator, I reminded her mother to "not forget her other daughter" (meaning my W) and that "she needs you too."<P>I guess she took it to heart because I just found out that this hobo was over to their house for dinner last weekend. I guess she figures that "big people can make big decisions."<P>Well, her mother told me (also in April) to "fight for your daughter." Now, her mother is harboring my daughter in her abode. Maybe she doesn't remember saying that.<P>Ho Hum.....I hate to sound shallow, but a fresh female face to just talk to (and maybe more?) would sure take my mind off this. Afterall, I am a man.....that's the way we are even if we are decent upstanding STBX husbands.<P>Jay B.<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited September 23, 2000).]

Catamount:<P>Not knowing your full situation, I would think that joint custody would be a good thing unless you felt your daughter was in danger or would be around drugs or anything like that with this HS dropout. I think you had said he had come to the house one time looking for Coke. Does he still do that? Does she?<P>It is hard for me to believe, but I have heard there are quite a few woman who pick up and leave their kids. I can't imagine that. If that is how she feels, I bet she is afraid to say anything because of the perception of others. <P>Only you know what is right for your child. Just make sure whatever you decide to do is in your child's best interest. <P>Take care and I'll keep praying for you.<P>Jennifer

Now, now lets not bash the redheads. <P>I'm really sorry for the way your wife has treated you. I'm kinda in the same boat here myself. H has had 2 different OW in the past year. We split up in July after I found out about OW2. He is now living with her and her three kids. I and my three kids have to move out of our home we love because I can't afford the housepayments. So H and his new rich girlfriend are moving in. What a joke! <BR>I truely wonder how she can move into a house that H and I shared for so many years. I wonder how H can do this to his kids. SELFISHNESS! My lawyer said that had we lived in a fault state I could nail H to the wall. He would have had to pay the house payment ect. But as luck would have it we live in a no fault divorce state meaning I'm pretty much screwed. <P>If I were you I would fight tooth and nail for that little girl. It's a shame that the court let her take her out of the state. It just shows how screwed up our court system is. Luckily my kids are all teenagers and have made their wishes known as to where they are going to live.<P>Good luck on the date. There are a lot of really nice people out there we just have to find them.<P>JIll