I thought I would share some of what my H and I have learned about how to restore/destroy a marriage. I'm sharing my rules and his. All in fun.<P>1. Spend as much time together as possible<P> Spend as little time together as possible. Make sure all the time you have together includes the kids as a buffer to intimacy. Don't ever invite your spouse anywhere. If she invites you somewhere, make it very clear that you are not going to enjoy yourself with comments like "Okay, but I'm really tired" and "We're not going to TALK all evening, are we?" <P>2. A healthy sexual relationship is important to a marraige. Communicate openly about sexual issues. Be both receptive to your husband and intiate sex yourself.<P> Take it if its offered (why not?). Never comment on your spouse's body or make any positive comments about the experience. Afterwards, say as little as possible. Make it clear you can't wait to get away from her. It's okay to initiate sex but only if its completely spontaneous so you can remove yourself from any responsibility for it.<P>3. When you get home from work, go directly to your spouse and give them a kiss so they know how happy you are to see them and get the evening off to a pleasant start.<P> When you get home, go directly to the kids so your spouse gets the very clear message that they are the only reason you are there at all. <P>4. Give your spouse lots of affection and reassurance of your love.<P> Keep your spouse constantly off kilter by varying the amount of affection you will accept and/or express. <P>5. Communicate openly with your spouse.<P> Never initiate a conversation. Keep conversations as superficial as possible with the phrase "I don't know". Any time the conversation might get to a deeper level, talk about work. <P>6. Share with your spouse the details of your affair. Reassure her of your trustworthiness by your willingness to answer questions openly and honestly. <P> Refuse to discuss your affair. Frequently agree to a timeline for when the affair will be discussed, but then renege on the agreement. This way, the affair remains the central issue in your relationship and your spouse can NEVER put the affair behind her. Become offended whenever your spouse suggests that you can't be trusted. <P>There's more, but baby's crying -- gotta go!

How about<P>Listen carefully to everything thing your spouse says, then use speaker/listener techinique to clarify and understand.<P>(Still can't do this fancy stuff, so imagine italics) Listen to what your spouse says. Instead of trying to understand by communicating with them...mull it over in your mind, come up with the most negative interpretation you can muster and then act and behave like that is reality. Repeat as necessary.<P>Faith's #2. When there is a difference you need to resolve, communicate calmly until you have defined the problem and together searched for a solution.<P>(reality) Be the King and Queen of non confrontation, taking care to reverse roles as necessary do at least one of you feels like they are being ignored. Clam up and refuse to discuss it more, but keep going over and over it in your brain and stew. If necessary walk away from the conversation even if it means in and out of the house. This will drive you spouse nuts.<P>Gotta go... <P>

ouch....right on the money, ladies! Okay, all of you out there who haven't "been there, done that" raise your hands now....... anyone?..... anyone at all?.........?????<P>Here's to Better Days for everyone! :-)<P>Thanks for the pithy humor, Annie & Faith!

Instructions for Annie's rules:<P>The masculine includes the feminine and the feminine includes the masculine!<P>-----<P>These rules apply to EVERYONE!!! <P>Good list.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

Another one:<P>Appreciate your spouse's strengths, and be accepting of their shortcomings.<P> Don't make any mention of strengths. Remember that your shortcomings are beyond your control (the way you were raised, emotional handicap, etc.). Your spouse's shortcomings, however, are due to a personal failure on their part.

And how about:<P>Be faithful and honor your monogamous relationship. And if you do have an affair, be open and honest about it.<P>[i]Cheat every chance you get. And deny to your dying breath that you are cheating. If caught, make every excuse in the book. Say that your lover "is just an old friend." Or else say, "Nothing happened. Why are you being so paranoid?" Or, if worse comes to worst, say, "It was just an emotional affair. Nothing ever really happened physically. All we ever did was just talk."[i]<P>--Wex

Wex -- Have you been talking to my husband???? Geez, everything you said was verbatim!!!! <P><p>[This message has been edited by Janie (edited August 05, 1999).]

Oops! Let me try this again -<P>And how about:<P> Be faithful and honor your monogamous relationship. And if you do have an affair, be open and honest about it.<P>Cheat every chance you get. And deny to your dying breath that you are cheating. If caught, make every excuse in the book. Say that your lover "is just an old friend." Or else say, "Nothing happened. Why are you being so paranoid?" Or, if worse comes to worst, say, "It was just an emotional affair. Nothing ever really happened physically. All we ever did was just talk."<P>--Wex

Janie - I think it's from reading all the posts on MBF. (Plus, of course, personal experience - I mean being on the RECEIVING end of this kind of B.S. It doesn't seem to matter which sex the cheater is, the line is the same!)<P>--Wex

Hi all,<P>As long as this is a light hearted thread, I will share an e-mail my daughter, (who celerbrated her 1 yr anniversary 2 days ago) sent me.<P>In the world of romance, one single rule applies:<BR>Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points.<BR>Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.<BR>You don't get any points for doing something she expects...<BR>Sorry, thats the way the game is played.<P>Here is a guide to the point system.<P>SIMPLE DUTIES:<BR>You make the bed.........+1<BR>You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0<BR>You throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets....-1<P>You leave the toilet seat up.....-5<BR>You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty......0<BR>When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to kleenex....-1<BR>When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2<P>You go out and buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings....+5<BR>But return with beer...-5<P>You check a suspicious noise at night...0<BR>You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0<BR>You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5<BR>You pummel it with a 6 iron....+10<BR>It's her father....-10<P>SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS<P>You stay by her side the entire party...0<BR>You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2<BR>Named Tiffany....-4<BR>Tiffnay is a dancer...-6<BR>Tiffinay has implants....-8<P>HER BIRTHDAY<P>You take her out to dinner....0<BR>You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1<BR>Okay, it is a sports bar....-2<BR>And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3<BR>It's a sports bar, it's all -you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team....-10<P>A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS<P>Go out with a pal.....-5<BR>And the pal is happily married....-4<BR>Or frighteningly single....-7<BR>And he drives a Mustang Conv. ...-10<BR>With a personalized plate (GR8 N BED)..-15<P>A NIGHT OUT<P>You take her to a movie....+2<BR>You take her to a movie she likes...+4<BR>You take her to a movie you hate...+6<BR>You take her to a movie you like...-2<BR>It's called "Death Cop"...-3<BR>Which features cyborgs having sex....-9<BR>You lied and said it was a foreign fim about orphans...-15<P>YOUR PHYSIQUE<P>You develope a noticeable potbelly....-15<BR>You develope a noticeable potbelly and exersize to get rid of it...+10<BR>You develope a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30<BR>You say I don't give a damn because you have one too....-800<P>THE BIG QUESTION<P>She asks, Do I look fat?...-5<BR>(notice, you've already lost points and the question has only been ASKED)<BR>You hesitate in responding.....-10<BR>You reply,"Where?"...-35<P>COMMUNICATION<P>When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression....0<BR>When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5<BR>You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10<BR>She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep....-20<P>Step by Step, Day by Day<BR>VMV

wonder how i missed this! LOL

Thanks for bringing this back up LWB!<P>Here's one....<P>Go to counseling and discuss solutions to your problems and work really hard at meeting each others emotional needs.<P>Go to counseling to get her to move back in (since you kicked her out) ... be nice for 2 weeks after she moves back in and does your laundry and the dishes again, then start lying, staying out late, and basically being even more of a jerk than you were before. And when she complains about it....pout for a couple of weeks..... stay out later, do more lying, and finally kick her out again.<P>Sorry.... I'm bitter today. The others on this thread are really funny though.<BR>B<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>