My husband and I have a pretty good relationship, but over the 5 1/2 yrs. that we've been together we've both changed a lot. During this time, sex has become quite a strain. At first, I was very nervous about it (having a pretty poor history in that department). Once I became more comfortable with him, it was great. At some point, he seemed to have lost interest in it and he was always telling me no. Well, after so much rejection, I kind of developed more problems. Now, it's very hard for me to initiate anything because I'm afraid of being rejected -- and he wants me to initiate things. How do you become comfortable all over again? How do I make him want to be with me more often? Right now, I'm lucky if it happens one time a week......and it's very brief. I'm beginning to feel very un-wanted and maybe even un-loved.<p>kmichele

Figure out a solution to your problem now before it gets any worse. This could turn the rest of your good relationship sour. I as still working thru problems that may have stemmed from this, so I have no real solutions for you except this advice---<br>DO NOT bruise his ego in ANY way.<br>DO NOT talk of this as a problem, find a way to make it a positive change, rather than fixing the problem.<br>If you haven't read Dr. Harley's book-His Needs, Her Needs do so,<br>Also try reading some of John Grey's book, Men ane from Mars, Women from Venus, and M & V in the bedroom. (that last one might be very helpful to you)<br>And not to undermine your situation, but a LOT of us would love it if we were intimate once a week or so. (I think there are a lot of us in the once a month/every six weeks category)

KMichele<p>I mad this mistake with my wife. I'll bet he is uncertain as you. I'll bet he is wondering, Am I good enough, Ami doing the right thing, my job is not great. I mean he ahs things on his mind, not related to you and him or the US part of a relationship. Think hard about what might be the cause of his frustration, anxiety, etc.. Has he put on wieght, have you? These may sound like small things and in part they are, but when they all come together, they can catastrophic. He may be scared, uncertain, lonely even when with you. All these things could be going through his mind, from what I hear you saying is that he wants you to intiate things, yet he rejects you. Talk to him in loving way and try to find out what is bothering him. I believe you both still love each other.<p>I know by what you have stated, you are lonely, scared uncertain what to. What I am saying is try your best to initiate a loving conversation, No Harsh or Accusing statements, No Tears. I know this is hard, but if you want to find out what is wrong, the best thing to do, is ask. At least this way, you will know where you stand in the relationship. His responses may hurt, understand this, but his feelings as well as your own are very important. He may not be aware of how you are feeling. Communication is the most important factor in a marriage, lose that and you lose all.<p>My prayers are with you, I hope this helps.<p>God Bless

Kmichele,<p>Just want to add that I had been in a similar situation in my marriage. I think husbands can sense when theres anxiety before lovemaking. I had went through the whole nine yards of feeling rejected and not wanted in the bedroom.First things were great for a while and then my husband just didnt seem as interested, boy did I ever feel rejected. I've never been one to be able to take rejection very well so it was quite a painful thing for me to go through.Well that has all past, and things are great. I know speaking from my own experience that sexual problems can be caused by so many different factors.My husbands problem was his overworked scedule and him just being stressed alot.Just be open about it to your husband. I realized that the best way to get the anxiety out is to speak out those feeling to your husband. Let him know that your feeling rejected and you want him to show you that he wants you,initiate lovemaking together.He really needs to take the first step in showing his Desire for you. When I felt my husbands desire for me again, it did wonders for the whole sexual problem that I was feeling. If he will respond to you in a positive way,than it will cause you to feel positive again, then those feelings of rejection and anxiety will became less and less in the bedroom. I've been married for almost ten years and everything I've been through in my marriage has made me stronger and wiser. Hang in there.God bless you and your family..<br>..............violet1

Thanks to all who have responded to my letter. Since I've posted, I've decided that I've had enough with the whole situation and I just simply don't take no for an answer anymore! Sounds kind of bad, but it seems to be what I needed to do. It appears to help him to know that I really am determined to get what I want. I don't like being "pushy", but I don't guess it can hurt. I very much miss feeling like we're "making love" instead of just having sex as a recreation. I'm so tired of feeling alone though, that anything is an improvement. <p>As far as his problems, he's stressed with work. We've got 3 children (2 from my first marriage and 1 is ours) to take care of and life isn't always easy. I have 3 part-time jobs, but lately haven't had any work....so I'm stuck at home with the kids and I'm moody. There are many variables here. We both love each other very much, but I know that I'm not someone who can live happily with a marriage without the intimacy that I once had. I've thought long and hard about this and have come close to leaving many times because the him that I fell in love with is no more, but I want to be with him. I keep hoping it will improve. <p>My marriage could be MUCH worse, don't get me wrong. I would just like it to be better. I don't expect it to be exactly like it used to be because we've both changed, but I want to feel secure, loved, needed, wanted, etc. again. We've been to marriage counseling at one time and we do have an idea of a FEW of each other's problems, but it's just very hard to fix.<p>Kmichele

For me, my sexuality (and sex life) grounds me as a man. I could be beat up, humiliated, whatever, but sex defines who I am as a man. Take that away and it takes away my feeling of being a whole person, and a husband and father.<p>My sex life is virtually non-existant and it has taken a terrible toll on me and my marriage. And I know what it feels like to be regularly rejected yet expected to be the initiator when the "mood" is right. How can our partners have it both ways.<p>Regarding Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars . . . take that book with a grain of salt. While it may apply to some it certainly didn't apply to us. If anything, I should be from Venus and my wife should be from Mars, or better yet from one of the outer planets, perhaps Pluto.<p>I have to wonder if sex is the oil that makes a marriage tick. Take away that oil and the marriage will evenutally sieze up.<p>At the risk of sounding crude why don't you try this ... ask if you could borrow one of his tools, answer "doesn't matter, any one" if he asks why. Then grab him by his "tool" and say "I need it now." And don't let go. If my wife did that to me I would be absolute putty in her hands, except of course my steel hand tool.<p>

z<p>[This message has been edited by CarlLaFong (edited 02-12-99).]

Adrift,<p> I just love it when someone talks about marriage as if it were a machine! <p> Too bad I can't just pour some 20w-50 on this sucker, some new spark plugs, and maybe high-lift cams. (Egad, shades of Tim Taylor!)<p> Seriously though, men and women aren't machines. Marriage needs to run like a machine to perform any "work", but diagnosing what is amiss is terribly difficult. <p> Iv'e been feeling more and more depressed about my marriage as kmichele and other posters here are. "Unloved" definitely is the right word to use, It's a very bad feeling.<p>I've always thought that honesty - just being frank about your feelings - would go a long way toward resolving problems. Unfortunately, this means that you make yourself more vulnerable to being "injured" by your spouse. After getting hurt a few times, I don't feel like exposing myself to that kind of pain anymore.<p>What do we do now?<p>It's one thing to beg for sex. We may even "get lucky" once in a while. Unfortunately, sex isn't love. When my wife finally gives in and has sex, it's not very satisfying. <p>How can you "make" someone love you? I sure don't know. I don't know if I have the strength left to keep trying. <p><whining mode off><p>Val (The Husband)

I seem to be at the odd end of this situation. Everyone I know with similar problems is the opposite of my husband and I -- the female does NOT want sex and the man does. Well, in our case I want it and he could live without it! I don't want to say that sex is necessarily all that matters because it's not. I miss affection too....you know, holding hands, kissing, holding each other -- but these things can rarely be done without my mind wandering. Which, is probably the reason why those things don't happen as much anymore! ;-) I spent several years absolutely hating sex and now that my feelings toward it have changed -- I want it to be a big part of my life. I'd have never chosen a relationship without it! Granted, I'm still very nervous with it but it's worth a little embarrassment and awkwardness. There is nothing else that makes me feel as close to my husband as that. All of the hugs in the world can't make up for it.

Dear KM--<p>I too am the rejected wife and I can identify with your feelings. I love my husband more than anything but our sex life is nil. The reason that sex is so important in a marriage is because it is a physical expression of love, special because it is only supposed to be shared by a husband and a wife. <p>When this does not happen it leaves feelings of rejection and unwant (I know this first hand). Anyway, a friend gave me some advice the other day which really made me think. She told me that anything worth having is worth the work. She's right, my marriage is worth the work and I've decided that if I have to "take it slow" with my husband and sort of gently lead him to the water, no matter how long it takes I will. When I said "I do", in the sight of God that meant forever, no matter what (except in the case of adultery). So, hang in there.