Hi All,<P>I've been really wondering lately if something is not wrong with me. I read other posts by you all and you all seem so broken hearted. I was for awhile but now I'm actually pretty happy. I don't really miss my H that much anymore and its only been a few months. When I talk to him on the phone or see him I feel like its just a friend I've been talking to. <P>What does this mean? Is it just a stage I'm going through? Did any of you feel this way? I don't feel any hurt or anger towards him anymore either. I've always been a look forward to each day type of person and have always been a very forgiving person. In a way I hope that maybe this is it and I can go on from here ok. Everybody looks at me like I'm just going to crack someday. They all tell me they can't believe how well I've dealt with all of the crap I've put up with this last year. <P>Maybe this is a really dumb post but I just wanted to ask if anybody else felt that way after such a short time. <P>Jill

Been there. Sometimes I feel like a rubber band. I go for weeks feeling really good (still miss her, but overall good). Then a "trigger" hits and back comes the hurt. The good news is that as time goes on, each time the "triggers" come, I feel less and less upset. It is not that I don't miss her or want to save the marriage - those feelings don't do away, I guess its just that it gets easier to deal with.<P>I also made a decision months ago to "let go" of trying to control the situation and to put it in God's hands. Once I truly did that and believed in it, a sense of peace came to me that I had not known before. At first I felt like I was totally dependent on her for my life, now I am getting back to the independent person I was when we first met (which by the way is the person she fell in love with).<P>I still have hope and I pray for her, me and us everyday. I try and get rid of any angry feelings I get as they come up. The anger after all is only my way of dealing with the hurt.<P>We talk on the phone and yes it is like talking to an old friend. But I think she that bothers her because I often find that when the conversation is going really well she will bring up issues dealing with the divorce and property and such. I have also found that by just talking "matter of factly" with her about those issues, it does not effect me like it did.<P>I call it a crazy roller coaster I can't get off. But I know this is all happening for a reason. If by the grace of God we do reconcile, I know our marriage will be so much for the better. If we don't, then I know that I have become a much stronger person for the experience.<P>

Can't say I've ever felt that way. I miss my H just as much as I ever did. I don't understand the concept of emotional roller coaster, because there really are no ups. <P>

Nellie1,<P>How long have you been in your situation? Are you divorced, separated, getting divorced? Believe me it took a long time for me to get to this point. My wife came to me about a year and a half ago and exploded about everything she had been holding inside. At that exact moment I knew in her mind that leaving was the ONLY solution. We struggled for a little under a year to work on things, but it was only me who was doing the trying. That year was the worst one of my life (everyday I was on the brink of a break-down) - even though we were together, I knew deep down we were miles apart.<P>I tried to control the relationship up until I realized I couldn't control her feelings and/or love. All I could do was show her who I was. Since that point I have been able to gather strength day by day, knowing I am doing all I can to make myself a better person and hoping that at the same time my wife believes in what she sees enough to give us a second chance.

My H left suddenly 19 months ago. He filed for divorce six weeks later. There is a court date in a couple of weeks. <P>I found a job, I'm raising six kids, etc.. I am certainly not sitting around all day brooding. I am fully functional. But it makes no difference. Having your spouse, the person whom you thought you could trust more than anyone in the world, leave you and turn into someone completely different after a quarter of a century is not something you get over. Ever. If you can't trust someone you have known and loved that long, you can't trust anyone. There may be trustworthy people in the world, but how on earth would you know. How many years would you have to know them before you were sure they were trustworthy? For ever, basically.

Nellie,<P>I have to admit, I am beginning to understand your point of view. My STBX has turned 180 degrees, and I can't even begin to understand why. My STBX is just dating a guy who is totally opposite from me and all her supposed beliefs. It must be just weird inside their brains.<P>My STBX used to actually go up to people who were smoking, glare at them, make snyde comments, because they were smoking, and now she is dating a smoker. She wouldn't even go into smokey bars with me because it hurt her eyes. Now she hangs out with smokers. The guy is not an athlete, she said she liked athletes. she now drives his car, she liked coaches, we used to coach together. she just flipped out, and I worry about the kids with someone who just flips out. she wants to be known as poor, she tells the kids she is mentally ill. <P>What is with these people? I just don't get it? I think there is a switch somewhere that flips, and it is all over, history is gone, future is gone, hopefully it is the beginning of alzheimers, so she won't remember any of it.<P>thl

Could it be a cop out on life? Like I just don't want to be accountable anymore; I just want to do my thing with someone who just let me be? Maybe she has been desiring that since little until she was taught otherwise and then she just wants to taste that 'side' of life?<P>Some people are like that. Some come back from their lostness; others have a chemical imbalance (one of my friends has that and cannot take any stress). Mostly, I think, it boils down to a lack of direction, purpose and, peace in their lives.

Dear C.O.W.,<P>Sorry, I got carried away with the above because the reasons just came flooding into my head and I had to write it down, then I saw I did not 'talk' to you.<P>Good, when you begin to see the other as a friend, albeit a disloyal friend, it helps you slowly overcome the pain. Often, it is better when you don't see the other person. It is like so with me. I can even sing when my WS is away at work and when he is really away, I go out and bring baby everywhere and have a good time. When I see him at home, I sulk and become unhappy. I have little choice because my baby is so young, and my WS knelt at my feet several times to beg for forgiveness and I promised my father at his deathbed to try to work at the marriage.<P>I am happy to hear that you heart has mended, it will be even better when you lead a full life - a precious gift from God.

Nellie, I can't tell you how much I hurt for you. Your H doesn't know what a wonderful wife he has in you. Your love for him has stayed so steady and strong. As far as trusting anyone again? I feel that everyone is a individual and to compare two people is a injustice. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe someday I'll get burned again but hopefully when I start dating again I can still trust and love. Life is to short and I'm not going to miss love just because I happened to be married to somebody who was really screwed up. <P>ST2000,<BR>I think that control was alot of what I was trying to do this past year. I think I was trying to control his feelings and it backfired on me. I could see he was making a mistake and I loved him and didn't want to see him do it. What happened was he ended up feeling more out of control and suffocated. So he found OW2 and left. I know that I did everything I possibly could to save this marriage. I also know that I can't force him to love me.<P>WIFTT,<BR>My H to has totaly changed his behavior. Its like they go through their teenage rebellion all over again.<P>Weep,<BR>I never in a million years thought I would be a divorced woman at 35. I worked really hard on my marriage but now know its over. When I came to that realization is when I really started feeling the pain just disappear. I relize you promised your Dad you would work on the marriage and yes, I feel that you should give it a good try but don't compromise your self in the process. Listen to you intuition. If you really start to feel strongly that this isn't right maybe it isn't. <P><BR>Jill

Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men, and probably of women too, can not be trusted. When they get a chance to cheat, they will. And one of two things will happen - if they can handle juggling two women, or if the new relationship burns out quickly, the wife may never even find out. If the relationship does not end quickly, and juggling two women becomes too difficult, they will leave. My H told me after he left that the "final straw" was that I didn't want him to continue moonlighting at a supposed job that he had no idea when or if it would start paying him money. If I had just gone along with him going to this "job" every weekend, and if his boss had not had a problem with him going out to lunch and not coming back for hours, he might well have still been here. It was just too hard for him to maintain a double life. <P>The vast majority of people cheat. The only way to not lose your spouse is to let them get away with it. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 23, 2000).]

Oh Nellie, how sad! But that's exactly how I feel about it. I thought I had a normal, happy, content marriage until after this affair I found out he had been cheating right from the beginning!<P>Crazy - I went into the same feelings you are having. When he left, I was relieved. I was able to treat him kindly still with no hurt/hard feelings. I would go to my support group at church and listen to everyone else crying and broken, and on my turn I felt nothing, just said what was happening that week and that I really didn't feel too badly. I was even thinking I was cool to date again! Know what, it did hit me again out of nowhere. I don't know if it's because it is nearing the end where I don't know what will happen to me and my children (since I haven't worked in 9 years). Suddenly, when I heard his voice (on the phone or here on visits) I missed him intensely because it was the voice I'd heard for 20 years. Then just the sight of him tied me in knots and I found myself praying to God for the miracle of reconciliation again, even tho I don't believe it is really a possibility. Now I've realized he's been still lying to me and has been strategizing dirty tricks against me and I've reached my limit. I want it over quickly - but it does hurt unlike at the beginning when I was "ok". It boils down to there always seems to be a trigger, and you don't even know what it is until it happens. For me, it's his voice. Crazy, you just never know.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Kathy,<P>Today was kind of a test for me. I saw him and his OW together at the grocery store. They were driving out as I was walking up to the door. They drove right by me and H waved. I just kind of looked the other way and raised my hand. I'm not ready to deal with that yet. It was more of a shock then a hurt. Seeing another woman sitting next to my H in the truck we bought together was kind of irritating. I to can't wait for this to be over and done with. I need to move on.<BR>Someday maybe I'll miss him again I don't know. What I do know is, as of right now I know that I really do not. My thoughts after I saw them were let her have him and all the trouble that comes with him. <BR>I'm sure he thought I was being a ***** because I wouldn't look at them but to bad. <P>What is with all of the lies they tell us. My H too is still telling me lies. Why, is what I want to know. We are very soon to be divorced so why does he think he has to cover up his sorted little life anymore. It just irritates me that he thinks I'm that dumb that I can't relize he is lying.<P>Take care,<P>Jill

He is in denial of his wrong doing and sin. So if he doesn't face how wrong he is, he can live with himself? <P>Well, he has got to live with himself one day. <P>Good on you that you are the one with the level-headedness.<P>God Bless and LOves you <BR>Take care<BR>weep

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR>[B]Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men, and probably of women too, can not be trusted. When they get a chance to cheat, they will. And one of two things will happen - if they can handle juggling two women, or if the new relationship burns out quickly, the wife may never even find out. If the relationship does not end quickly, and juggling two women becomes too difficult, they will leave. <P>Nellie1,<P>OK, maybe I am in the minority here among men, but I have NEVER cheated in any relationship I have ever had. Been tempted? yes - ever thought about it? NO. Growing up I believed strongly in the statement that "what you do in practice is what you do in the game". I used every relationship I was ever in as "practice" for one day being married.<P>I personally don't think it is people's fault "individually", rather I blame its society on a whole. Try sitting and watching TV some night - count how many times divorce/cheating/separation appears in prime time shows. Don't get me wrong, I am a big TV watcher (like my "Friends, Seinfeld, etc..) but I just get so sad looking at what is being portrayed. Is it a reflection of America? That would be a good discussion. One of my current favorite shows? "Everybody Loves Raymond". A true to life show about a loving (and dysfunctional) family. Its about life - not some dream of what life should be like, but about life as it is. And it helps show us that this life is sometimes so crazy we have no choice but to laugh at it.<P>What I do believe is that our problems are a sign of our society's belief that "you NEED to be happy", it is "owed to you". So much personal responsibility is gone in this world. A thief breaks into a house and gets hurt on the premises, he turns and sues the home owner and wins?!!!? Two men in full body armor walk down a crowded street shooting and killing police and civilians - They are eventually killed but then their families turn and sue the police department??!!!?? Are you kidding me? Children grow up and their lives fall apart - they blame their parents. Yes maybe their childhood has something to do with who they are now, but NOW they are adults - If they still feel "broke" it is no longer their parent's fault, it is there own for not getting the help they need!<P>We need to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.... OK, my marriage is in trouble, what do I do about it? First I realize that maybe somehow I am partly responsible for it, and that me looking for love in other men/women is just not right. I need to remember the vows I made "til death do us part". They were not just temporary vows to be broken when things get tough.<P>Come on people, we made promises. Why is it so hard to understand that sometimes promises are hard (if not seemingly impossible) to keep, but that is the time when we need to work on keeping them even more.<P>I don't mean to offend anyone who has "fought" for their marriage and had no choice but to give up and move on. I am talking about going back before your spouses even left - I am talking to YOUR SPOUSES that did leave, that did lie, that did cheat...<P>Grow up and realize that life is not here solely for your enjoyment and happiness. If you can't keep a promise, then DON'T EVER make one. I saw a poster the other day that I think says it all, it was from the book "All I needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten". How true it is!! We often teach our children things that we as adults can't even do! What kind of example is that.<P>Lets stand up as adults and take responsiblity for our lives. Keep our promises, work on the hard issues and just try to be nice to one another. I don't think that is so hard to do.....<P>enough venting - sorry!

I know how you feel. I'm going through so much with my H now that when we decided to divorce I was happy and felt relieved. He told me he found and apartment and I felt like when he leaves I can get my old self back again. I was truly happy. He hasn't moved yet and I am so ready for him to leave. Of all the cheating he has done, that is not what really bothers me. I can get over that. What bothers me is that he keeps meeting these women on the internet(he's a smooth talker and talks a good game too.I think that's what I fell in love with....The ACTOR PART OF HIM) because that's exactly what he did. The whole time we were together, well until we started having problems) and they want to meet up somewhere.What hurts is that he tells them he's not married and that he doesn't live with me and denies his other children. He has 6 and only tells most of them that he has 3 or 4. That's when I get mad and usually e-mail them or he leaves their numbers around and I call them and tell them the truth. I guess this wasn't much of a reply but more of me just venting out.....lol It's all good though.

ST2000,<P>I agree with you whole heartedly. I also would like to add to your statement. <P>I believe some of the problems we are all having stems from the unrealistic portrails of love that we are all bombarded with everyday. It is in our books, music, tv and the movies. Love is portrayed as a magical thing that will sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ever after. Maybe the first few months or possibly years are like that but then reality hits. How many of you think that your spouse has a movie idea of what love and life are? Do they think that once they fall in love they will live happily ever after? The other day I watched my nephew put a cape on and suddenly he was batman. That is how I feel about my H that he met a woman he was attracted to and suddenly he is Richard Gere. It is like he has become a movie character or something he certainly isn't himself. <P>Jill

Oh please, don't mention Richard Gere. I'm fanning myself.<P>(I've met a man that is his look alike and want to start dating him TOMORROW!!!!!). OMG.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

crazy or what?,<P>You could not be more correct. My wife even said that "this is not how it is supposed to be, we are supposed to be happy all the time". Now don't get me wrong, we were happy a lot of the time, it is just that "life" hit us hard "right out of the gate" in our marriage. Within the first 3 years of our married life, my wife lost all her grandparents, her beloved family dog whom she grew up with also died, her best friend of all - her brother left to join the Armed Forces and moved far away. She also had a life threatening heart disease and needed surgery to correct it, we almost went bankrupt with living expenses, I started my own business, and on top of all that she went back to school. Things that often happen over a course of 10 - 20 years hit us early and hard.<P>BUT I was raised with the mindset that "life" was never meant to be fair. Problems will always exist and marriage is not exception. Marriage is hard work. True, to some it comes easy, but I think they are in the minority. And from what I have personally seen, the marriages that seem to be so "movie like" are the ones that have the most problems "behind closed doors".<P>My wife holds to the belief that we should not have been having problems until we were married 10 - 15 years. WHY? I asked her why would she wish that on us when we have the problems now and can fully correct them - NOW. Even the counselor said to me that I have learned things from this situation that usually takes men decades to learn, if they learn them at all.<P>But I digress - I just agree with you 100% that too many people think that marriage is a "cure all" and that "riding off into the sunset" is how it is meant to be. How sad it is for them when they realize its not. My parents are closing in on 50 years being married and I have relatives that are married longer than that. They all agree that marriage is hard work. It is definitely worth the work, but it is hard work none-the-less.<P>For my wife she considers none of the above as reasons for her unhappiness. To her, it was me. How shocked will she be next time she gets married when things turn out the same or worse.