I know this has been asked before and I realize that it's up to the individual to know whether or not s/he is ready to start getting out and dating, but what I want to know is how are you supposed to feel when you think you're ready? I mean, I still love my STBX very much, but I miss the companionship, the comaraderie, the closeness and yes the sex, but the last isn't nearly as important as the rest, nothing a good shower massage can't fix. <BR>I mean, I'm tired of being alone, yet at the same time I'm not attracted to anyone else yet. So does that mean I'm not ready to date? Having never gone through this before I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, I mean the feelings of love for my STBX may never go away, I don't think that happens to easily with me. So if I date now would that be unfair to myself and my date? And if I do would that be sending a message to my STBX that I'm moving on with my life without her? Which may not be such a bad thing. I'm just really confused........Thanks, Jax.

Again, everyone has their own timetable on this one.<BR>I feel you should "friend date" first. Casual conversation, meeting for dinner, a drink, etc. without the idea of romance or commitment. <BR>There is a lot of healing we all must do. I think you can date while healing, but be cautious about serious commitment isuues at this time. <BR>If you are still in love with your wife, perhaps dating is not for you now. I guess for me, my love was gone for my husband and my marriage was over before I could actually be with another man. I was ready to move a different direction with my life. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Jax,<P>I can speak to you as a man. I am 40 and am witnessing my 42 y.o. W go into the sunset with my 4 y.o. D to be with her HS crush.<P>From where I stand (and I don't know if you have children or how old you are) my concept of dating at this stage is to meet divorced women (hopefully not ones that cheated to get to where they are!) and preferably with children, just to compare notes, experiences and the emotions we have experienced if nothing else.<P>For me, this seems like a logical starting point for dating.<P>Jay B.

Oh, I agree. The friends thing sounds good, but how do you meet a woman and tell them I would like to have coffee, dinner, etc., but I'm just interested in you as a friend?<BR>Catamount. Yes I have a child, and I don't know if my STBX has someone or not, nor do I care to know it'll only make the pain worse. I don't know but I think maybe the MB site here needs a new section for those who are ready to move on and meet others for a relationship, why not other MBers who know the philosophy of this site and how to apply it.....seems to me a couple spawned from this site could have a perfect marriage. There's probably a lot to consider, like distance and such but they say love has no bounds, who's to say, just a thought. Jax

I have been wondering this for a while. My husband told me last night that he wants a divorce. I have been plan Aing for months. He's noticed all the wonderful things, but it doesn't matter. I am sick.<P>Do you eventually get over this? How can you ever trust someone who tells you that they want to be with you until death do you part? I know it takes a while, but is it possible to find love and marry again? Sounds like a stupid question I should already know the answer to, but everything looks so bleak.

Jax,<P>Are you seeking custody of your child? How old is the child? How long have you been married?<P>I am seeking custody, but it's an uphill battle.<P>It's ashame that the justice system is so 19th century in its thinking that only "da womens" know how to rear a child properly.<P>If I lose, my daughter will be eating prepackaged microwave meals for the next 12 years until she's emancipated. But hopefully during the 25% time I'm granted with her, I can show her the way around the kitchen. Hopefully her mom won't show her the way around the bars and house parties she's likely to be frequenting.<P>Jay B.

Jax,<BR>"I don't know but I think maybe the MB site here needs a new section for those who are<BR>ready to move on and meet others for a relationship, why not other MBers who know the philosophy of this site and how to apply it.....seems to me a couple spawned from this site could have a perfect marriage."<P>There are a bunch of MB'ers meeting in Nashville in January. I won't be there (even though I think it will be fun), but if meeting like-minded people is what you are interested in, you might want to check it out. There are a couple of threads about it here. I think Cinderella is the organizer...<P>To answer your question...when are you ready to date again? For me, it would be when I felt strong enough to be hurt again and not feel like my whole life would fall apart. When I'm strong enough to take that risk is when I'd be ready to date. I'm a long ways away. <P>I still love my ex, so I don't think it would be fair to someone else to still be pining away.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited September 24, 2000).]

Check out "dating again" dated around May 16.

Hi, thanks for the input. Student,yeah that's pretty much the way I feel sometimes too, when I'm strong enough to deal with the hurt again although I don't know if that'll ever come, seeing my STBX just sends me right back to point A just plain sucks.<BR>Hey Catamount, to answer your questions, I have a 7 year old daughter and I was married for ten years but we've been together for thirteen. I currently share a joint 50/50 custody agreement that was mediated but the court and signed by the judge to make it legal. The schedule is we each have her every other week with a overnight dinner visit for the person who doesn't have her that week. It seems to be working okay thus far, and I know she doesn't do her bar hopping and such while she has my daughter she waits till her off weeks, admirable I suppose. I must admit when it comes to our daughter she does show she has some priorities, I guess I can count my blessing for that otherwise I would be going for custody to. Take care. Jax

for me....I just went out - it was simple, friendly 'meet for coffee' thing..the person I went with is someone I met that is going through the same thing. <P>I am ready to date - but not invest in a serious relationship - wounds are still present, but I have been meeting with folks that are going through or have been through the same thing and they underdstand perfectly how I feel and what I am feeling. <P>There is no presssure - people just wan tot be with other nice people.....<P>you won't know till you try...J

Jax,<P>It's different for us all. Each of us had a different marraige and different break up.<P>Honestly, you will always love your wife in some way. Not what it was before but if you go out there and start dating, don't compare her to the new person. That happened to me once and I didn't like it one bit.<P>Be sure you are ready to walk away for good. A lot of times when you start dating the ex comes back in the picture. Again, it being unfair to this new person.<P>I agree, very slow, simple things at first. Take it slow and simple. The new person you meet should have a standard that you set on your own.<P>Myself, I too, will only date divorced people with kids. Not necessarily with custoday of them but them having kids. There's no way I'd date someone who cheated in the last relationship either.<P>Also, remember that the date is to be fun and simple. If you get to know the person down the road, then share info on the past marriage and things like that. Don't use the first few dates to moan and groan about the past. Women are looking to be with someone strong and confident that the decision they made is one your comfortable with.<P>Above all, when its right for you it will feel right, thats the best way I can describe it. I started dating too early and it felt funny at times. I know now, that was because it wasn't the right time. I'm doing good now with it, but I'm a lot further in the process now, I'll get my divorce papers one day this week. Well I'll get the news at least.<P>Good luck, Dana<P>PS Do a search on General Questions too, there is a thread there also about dating I'd say it was around Feb or Mar.

DanaB,<BR>"There's no way I'd date someone who cheated in the last relationship either."<P>How would you know for sure? I'm sure my ex is telling his dates he never cheated, and he'd be lying. I'd be MORE suspicious of someone who claimed not to have done anything wrong in their marriage. <P>I know that alot of people feel the way you do. I figure that if I'm celibate a good 10 yrs or so, it will be pretty irrelevant what happened in my marriage. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited September 24, 2000).]

TS,<P>My comment was in agreement with Catamount82. <P>Honestly I really wouldn't know for sure, that is a good point. So far the people I have dated, I have known personally and as friends first and we have discussed why our marraiges broke up. So far it hasn't been due to cheating. <P>I never did cheat, thats not to say I never will, I sure hope not, but I know I'm still to blame for the break up. <P>TS, are u staying celibate to "erase" what you did in your past marriage, to punish yourself ?? Just a question, don't misread it, but I sure hope not. <P>Like I've said before. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Sometimes, some of us wind up with the wrong person. Sometimes,we're too young to make a decision about marriage, I know I was. We all deserve to be happy, and whatever makes each of us happy is the right thing for us to do. I would hope my ex is happy after all he did to get where we are now, it'd be a waste if he wasn't.<P>Dana<BR>

I chose to wait until divorce was final. That way, I knew it was over and it didn't matter what I did. It couldn't come back legally to haunt me. <P>I was ready to date, otherwise, before that but made that my choice. <P>My question is where do you find someone to date. They're not at work, not at school, not at church, not at the places where I do my volunteer things. Haven't found one at the grocery store or the book store or at community activities. There are no available, appropriate men anywhere. Short of the personal ads, I don't have a clue.<P>I know I'm ready to date. Yeah, I'm even dating someone but if I wanted someone else, I have no clue where to find him.

Cinderella,<BR>I've never looked for dates or love. My first H was in a Physics class with me. My second H was a friend of a friend. Heck, the guy I dated after my divorce was a neighbor. Well, you can see how great my record is. JL once said I need to get out more. I'm friggin' surrounded by men everyday. Most of them 10 yrs younger than me, but still. <P>There are a couple of activities I could do, like there is a bicycling club and a running club that meets every week. Mostly professionals. If I was serious about finding someone to date, I probably could figure it out. Atlanta is a big place. However, I know I'm not going to be living here in two years. There is no point in me hooking up with someone, then shoving off after I graduate. <P>DanaB,<BR>Am I being celibate to "erase" my marriage and to punish myself? Partly yes. Anyone who did what I did doesn't need to be jumping into any new relationships till they get their head on straight. Maybe that is a punishment of sorts. Also, I'm very aware of what most people think of cheaters. I'm not prepared to face them in a dating situation. I won't (can't) date just for "fun" or have sex just to meet a need anymore. I have lots of guy friends to hang out with, and I don't want to be used for sex, and so won't do that to anyone else either. If I someday decide that a committed relationship is something I'm ready for again, then I will date (in the romantic sense).

Well, I think you know when you are ready to date when you start asking that question. Because, there was a time when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Then, I did the same thing you are doing now, and came to this site asking the same question. It really helped me during that time. I sometimes go back to my original thread ("dating again") and it is like reading my journal. I was just putting my toes in the water back then and now I am in deep but enjoying every minute. I meant to take it slow but it just took off like a freight train. My therapist just tries to keep the train on the tracks for me.<P>It has not always been easy. There were a few incidents that made me step back and re-evaluate. But, I was able to talk those through with him. Quite a few people on this thread already know my stories so I won't repeat them, but just wanted to say we are still together and enjoying our time together. We talk about everything, we talk about our wants and needs. We share books that we have read on divorce and relationships and we used to attend the same divorce support group. When I feel uncomfortable with anything that happens in our relationship, I talk to him about it. I don't let it go unresolved. So far so good. <P>I agree that dating someone who is divorced makes it easier because you can relate to each other. But, the scary part is that you really don't know the other person. That is when the old trust thing comes in. With time though, I have become more trusting. Or maybe I'm just a fool. I certainly hope not. I guess I believe now that you can never truly know what someone is capable of doing in a particular situation or even what you are capable of doing. You just have to take a risk and trust again.<P>The guy I am dating does not have children. Although, I agree that dating someone with children has definite advantages I do like not having to deal with a blended family situation. <P>Well, I'm not sure if that answers your question but thought I would share what I have been going through.<P>Good Luck!

Well I think I'll just add to this. The dating thing has been a roller coaster for me too! At first, I wasn't very upset when H left, but was lonely and felt like I could actually date. Met someone cool. Never dated tho. Then I had something trigger all those emotions of missing my H and they are still hanging on - and I know that I was not ready to date then and would have made a big mistake if I'd gone ahead. Right now, I have no desire to date. I'm completely focused on my kids and I getting our lives going in the right direction.<P>For me, I will be able to date when what little love I have left for H is buried so far down it never surfaces (which I'm almost to that point now), and I have no dreams or hoping left for the two of us someday getting back together (which I am also almost at - but don't trust myself to be completely done with yet).<P>Student-I liked one of your previous idea for meeting men, at the Home Depot. I also have been told by my sister who plays on an adult volleyball team, that there are a lot of single/divorced men doing that, which is right up my alley, except I can't afford a babysitter to do it. My neighbor is on a team and just put my name in as a sub - I'm psyched about it and can't wait! I love volleyball!<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Dare I say it?<P>I may get jumped on about this, but don't date until you are divorced. Doesn't matter if you absolutely WILL get divorced, but you have a bunch of emotional baggage to deal with. If you get entangled before a divorce is final, you won't properly process all the pain, hurt, anger, etc.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

TS,<P>I must say when you explain it that way, it doesn't sound so bad. Good for you. I hope you find the peace you are looking for and deserve. I don't know your whole story, but if you were cheated on in a first relationship I can see how it might turn around in a second one. Sometimes I feel like , why bother being faithful, no one is. I don't want to cheat to cheat, just saying its hard to stay focused. <P>I do believe that when someone cheats there is something wrong in the relationship. We all make mistakes and all deserve forgiveness. We all learn from this , no matter what side of the field we came from.<P>We can all help each other too. <P>Hang in there Jax, if I figure this mess out I'll let you know!!!<BR>Dana<BR>