Hi, I've been trying to post for the last days but couldn't get my password to work. Finally gave up and registered again.<br>I need input on a new situation. Here goes:<br>At the end of the month I am going ( I think ) to a wedding. It's a friend of my husband from work that is getting married and my husband wants to go, and wants me to go with him. This all is very nice, but there's the other side. First, there is a 50/50 chance that the woman that had an affair with my H in the spring might be there - since she also works for the same company, and knows. the couple that is getting married. Second, my husband's friends - the ones that are getting married knew about the affair and when they send the invitatios out made what's to me quite a big boo-boo, they addressed my husband's invitation "to Mr. Baptista and guest", I understand that it's a different culture here in Canada, but back home this is a no-no if the person is still married and living together, it just means that the person inviting does not recognize or respect the marriage of the person he or she is inviting. I understand that they probably didn't know who he was going to take, but things have been worked out between us for a while now - since June. And there has been no contact with the OW in any way since July. I also understand that since my husband changed schedules he hasn't seen this friends that much so they still might not know how things are between us, but still..<br>In any case, although I don't know the people that are getting married - I talked to the groom over the phone a couple of times - but never met them, I would really like to go for various reasons:<br>- My husband wants me to go - that's a good one. For a while when things were bad he never wanted me to go with him anywhere. He changed jobs and kept me separated from the new friends he was making, only after things start getting better did he take me with him when he was meeting them, and took me to work sometimes when he needed to pick something up at the office - in the bad times that was out of question.<br>-I want his friends to see that we are together and well - specially the ones that knew about the affair. Is that wrong?<br>- H seems very excited about us going together, has been helping me to choose a dress, and wants to see me trying all of them - that hadn't happen for ages!<br>- I don't want her to - in case she is going - think that she intimidates me or treathens me in any way. And I also want her to get the message that we really are together - sometimes she still leaves messages for him on his pager asking why he doesn't answer her calls or if they could get together at least to go for coffee.<br>Is it a good idea to go? I want to think so, but I've been wrong before... If I do go, and so does she, then what?I have no problem about ignoring her, but ... I'm confused. Please tell me what you think about this situation.<br>Some people here already know my story. Things are still getting better everyday, and as I said before, sometimes it feels like I'm in a second honeymoon. But I still have a bit of trouble with trust and sel-confidence.<br>Thanks,<br>Katya<p>[This message has been edited by KL (edited 12-03-98).]

Katya---<br>I haven't been the victim of an affair so I can't really offer any good advice. I know Dr. Harley says to not have contact with the OW, but yu'd be there...<br>If it were me, I'd go, for all the reasons you mentioned. Just hold your head high, don't think about the invitation faux pas (??spelling) anymore. I don't know your story, but if the affair is out in the open, perhaps you and your husband could set up some ground rules for the evening. (like he can't go off and talk to her alone, he can't dance with ehr etc) These are just my thoughts, I haven't been through this, so I hope I am not giving bad advice.

KL,<p>I say go. Go and enjoy this as a couple. Go and show everyone that you have survived and come out a winner. I agree with making some rules that he is not to talk to her but I don't think, from what you have said, that he would mind agreeing to that. Weddings always seem to remind both my H and I why we married each other and they can be a real bonding experience. Go and have fun. <p>Steph

Thanks for your answers and sorry to only aknowledge them now. I started working more hours and didn't have a chance to even get close to the computer for a while. I'm back now.<br>I am glad you guys agreed with me. I really wanted to go, but was getting confused. 'I already talked to H about this. I didn't necessarily lay down any rules, instead I started by asking him if she was going to be there - he's not sure - and what was going to happen if she did.I also explaned how I was feeling about it and thank God I didn't have to also explain why - sometimes he just doesn't think. Since for him her going or not wouldn't make a difference, he never even though about talking about it with me or that I might be feeling anxious.In any case there was no need for rules,according to him, he has no interest in talking or dancing with her but warned me that since we haven't been dancing together for so long, we'll be dancing a storm there.<br>So problem solved. It's just that sometimes he doesn't really talk much , it's like he expects me to read his thoughts and although before this happened I could read him O.K., now I'm never that sure. I guess this is also too recent and it will take sometime until I feel that kind of trust again.<br>Once again, thanks for your answers.<br>katya<p>[This message has been edited by KL (edited 12-17-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by KL (edited 12-17-98).]

And don't forget to look GOOD! You are representing a whole lot of people here on this forum, and we want this other woman to eat her heart out!!!<p>Knock 'em dead, baby!<p>Maria

Katya, everyone else has said basically what I would say (especially Maria! ) but I would like to comment on something you said that makes me a little nervous: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's just that sometimes he doesn't really talk much , it's like he expects me to read his thoughts and although before this happened I could read him O.K., now I'm never that sure. I guess this is also too recent and it will take sometime until I feel that kind of trust again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I believe that your husband needs to realize that he should never expect you to "read" him. The major problem in most relationships is terrible communication! He needs to tell you how he feels, and he needs to ask you how you feel. Please think about this - or I'm afraid you could wind up with trouble again! <p>Enjoy the wedding and, as Maria said: "Knock 'em dead!"<p>terri

Terri, I'm glad you're back! How was the vacation? Did things improve in any way? Tell me all about it. If you want email me at lwnd@ivillage.com.<br>In regards to your answer, yes we have that bit of a problem that existed even before the affair ( actually he was always like that). He can talk forever about any subject you can think about, except about himself or his feelings, and even when he does talk about it the sentences come all mixed up. Before this hapened I could read him fine, you have to pay attention to the non-verbal clues he gives, which are many maybe to compensate the other side.That's what clued me in into the affair - remember that I caught it in the first week -. Now, it's just a bit more dificult not because the clues are not there but because I'm a bit lost in the trust department.He has been trying to verbalize more what's inside, but I know that's really difficult for him. He is usually a fighter, but when he recognizes he is wrong he's as chicken as can be, he just acts like nothing happened and expects me to understand by that behaviour how sorry he is. Certain things don't even enter his mind, like it was difficult for him to understand why I would be worried about her presence at the wedding. "But that was a mistake that is over!!!" was his first answer.But yes, I understand your concern, That's one of mine as well. I think I'll keep working on that slowly.<br>Anyway, tell me all about your vacation, and how things are, either here or trough e mail.<br>take care.<br>To everybody that supported me in this going to the wedding thing: Thanks! And maria, I intend to do just that. Looking my best and keeping my head high.<br>Thanks everybody.<br>Katya<br>

Katya ... I will try to email you later. I have posted under the topic "Vacation" over in the Infidelity forum if you want to read about some of it - last post was about 4 days ago I think, maybe 5... Also some stuff posted under "Sexual rejection - or fear?" in the same forum.<p>Glad things are going well for you - I do understand about men's reluctance to communicate about their own feelings - mine is like that, too - and look where it brought us <p>terri