I do not feel I belong here any more.. I am always so angry and I just can not get past this.. I can not fogive my ex, and I just want to scream!!!!! <P>I can not take any more.. and need to vent, quite viciously inorder to release this anger, but feel I may be upsetting to some on this board that do still have such hope.. <P>My hope is all gone.. my faith is all gone, and I feel like my soul is all gone..!!<P>I am so sorry.. but I am just loosing it, and I come here to lurk, reading so many posts that are so sad, and these people just keep hurting us over and over again.. with no remorse or humanity left inside of them.. <P>I am just so beyond mad!!!!!<P>AV

Dear NH,<P>I know what you are going through, believe me, I actually turned violent.<P>There are courses and books on anger management. There are also anti depressants to help detach you from the situation and the choas and anguish.<P>It is a nightmare, isn't it? The adultery and the pointlessness, the lost lives and the hopelessness. I am fortunate because I have so many family and church friends, even then it is hardly sufficient to get me through the day. I know how you feel - the rage creeping up as you think about the wasted years and the senselessness of the affair.<P>I am reading a book on 'Forgive and Forget - healing the hurts you do not deserve" by Lewis B. Smedes. <P>I have also been advised not to take the 'victim mentality', ie, they did this to me. I guess it helps some. What really helps me is that I have my baby and my faith in God; when I am really far gone, I raise my hands heavenward and say "All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all".<P>There is also a prayer request board on this MB site.<P>Finally, please feel free to vent your anger at your situation - ask the other members, they all vent here and that helps them to Plan A at home. Please visit other boards, but do come here as well.<P>I extend my invitation to you to vent on this thread - I promise no one will be offended.<P>You should see some of my posts : That chinless wonder banshee who is looser than a nymphomaniac, who also drags her feet and gapes for added effect . How could my wayward spouse go for such a piece of sh** (term given by WS hinself), now I am so angry and insecure - everything that has boo** is OPEN SEASON . How could he mess up so bad!!!! I want to kick him out of the house, in fact, I just did it the hundredth time this week! <P>YOUR TURN.

Dear AV,<P>This is a great place to get the anger out. I authored a post the other day that was extremely dark, when I re-read it I decided not to post it. I'm sure people would have been supportive, and it helped to just write it out, but it just wasn't where I want to go or where I want to be.<P>Do you have a person/friend that you can talk to? Someone that will understand your raving and still love you and support you. That helps me, too. I get it all out and my friend listens until I calm down, then I feel better. She's an awesome friend.<P>Another thing that helps me is that I keep a journal. I write down my feelings there and it helps me to release them. Or sometimes I just sit down at the computer and write a letter to him (with NO intention to deliver it!!) telling him what a sh** he is. Just another form of release.<P>You do need to find avenues to vent your anger. It is important to release it or it can eat you up on the inside. I'll say it again, this is a good place to do it. No one is offended by the anger, hurt and frustration you feel -- we have all felt it at one time or another . . . and another. And, getting a different perspective on how you feel can also help to diffuse it.<P>You say you can't forgive him, but think about doing it for <B>you</B> -- not for him. Forgiveness is healing. When you carry around hate, hurt and anger in your heart, it's more damaging to you than the other person. Reach inside and try to find it.<P>I'm so sorry, AV. I'll say a prayer for you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

weep, and kristyAnn,<BR> <BR>I thank you both for your kind words... I appreciate the time you have taken to respond to my plea..<P>I am sitting here ready to explode, and have used up all my recourses.. my family and freinds have all been there for me, and they have been wonderful, but it is almost two yrs this is going on, and I am still not over this, and I am so beyond control.. I don`t know what to do any more..<P>I still have such hurt from my DAD leaving my mom the way he did, (also with an OW on the side) and this is all also resurfacing as well now too.. <P>and my dad is the one HELPING ME FINANCIALLY..!! so now I`m suppose to put that memory aside and be nice to my dad who chose to inflict this same pain I am going through, on my mom..!!! <BR> <P>Even though I do love my dad, we do have a rocky relationship, and I have still felt so deeply hurt from how things went during my parents divorce, it turely left such scars, and that is why I KNOW this divorce I am now going through my self, is never going to heal.. time may make the pain lesson, but once a heart is broken it is never really the same.. <P>I am sorry.. I have come here often to read and at times to post to some, who are going through the same hard times I am, but I have always come here with my angered attitude, and feel that for the most part I was not responded to, much, and felt this is not the board for me.. most ARE! tyring to have faith.. most are taking every chance they see they might have to reverse what is going on.. well that is fine for them, but I still feel I do not belong here because I feel my ex is a monster, and he deserves something from what he has caused both me and our daughter.. <P>I`m telling you I am too vindictive, and this (to me) feels like war.. I have sat back and left him alone, and never once during our entire marriage or after he left hurt this man deeply in any way.. he has given me the silent treatment, (as he did while married, if we had any differences) and if I chose to write to him for any kind of communication, he just dissed me.. I do have to admit the last few try`s of any communication, by notes,(doing so for my daughters sake) were very sarcastic, and well deserved.. but as usual he was even more vicious..so yes, I do want to make him feel all the pain he has inflicted on us all.. <P>I feel he deserves nothing less.. he is a slim ball.. and a cheat and a liar, and a low life magit, that can`t see past his big fat nose, when it comes to rationalizing any more.. he is just angry, because I threatened, (but never did, until recently) to go to his hussy`s H and expose them.. well after two yrs that I could have gone at any time, I didn`t until recently, because he involved my daughter in his smeaking around with this whore, and my daughter met this woman when we all socialized, and now is forced to except this two tingin two faced total peace of crap as a role model.. with my pthetic excuse of a man ex, as well.. <P>My daughter does not need this extra stress in her life, and I went to protect her from any further exposure.. of course he sees it as I have now caused what ever my daughter is going through to be even wourse.. because of what I did.. do you beleive this crap.. <P>he can prance around town with his mistress and my daughter ALL TOGETHER and I am the bad guy again!!!!<P>see this is what I mean.. here I am posting, and it is getting me so crazy, and it is a sunday.. where do you go, what do you do.. what can help me.. nothing.. I was forced in this possition, and am still being forced to except that this slim can`t see what he is doing to our kid.. grrrrr!!!!!!!!<P>I`m stopping here.. I can go on and on, and I also know that no one likes these long posts.. so I need to stop for now..<P>I thank you both again....<P>AV<P>

Dear AV,<P>Have you been going to counseling? It sounds like there are issues from way-back-when that you need to deal with and still haven't. You sound like you're in a lot of pain and the way it's coming out is through anger.<P>I don't know if you read any of my early posts, but since my H left me I have done a great deal of soul searching. I can see how my sarcasm, anger and resentment about the issues in our marrige drove my H right out the door. He hung on for as long as he could, but he finally couldn't take any more and now he's gone. I have reached a point of forgiveness with my H and although the anger still flares from time to time (NEVER in front of him -- NEVER!!!), it is much better and I am able to Plan A and have pleasant conversations with him. <P>Your anger is understandable AV, but it is also destructive. I'm saying this with the best intentions. It sounds like your anger toward your H has moved right on in to hate, and maybe reconciliation is the furthest thing from your mind. That's fine. But you still need to find some peace for yourself. The intesity of your anger is ripping you apart.<P>I hope that if you are not already seeing a counselor, that you will. I, too, have things from the past I've dealt with -- we all have. Your life will never be balanced if you don't lay the ghosts to rest and learn the power of forgiveness.<P>My heart goes out to you. <P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

KristyAnn,<BR> <P>I don`t mean to offend any one, (hence the asking for a anger board) and I hear how sweet a person you are, and just coming here to my thread to post to me, has proven to me that you are a very special person indeed.. <P>I mean no offence, but I guess I am just stuck in this mode of seeing any thing any one writes as all fine and dandy for themselves, but as for me right now, I need some one to agree with me, to state that I`m right, and not sit there and argue the FACT! that I need to get over it,you see to me that is asking me to just drop all the 16 yrs I had with this person, and act as though it never exsisted or happnened, AND, ON TOP OF THAT! I still have to contend with this $%^&**&^%#$ for the SAKE!! of our daughter.. do you think this slim, (I refuse to call him a man any more) could get past his anger at me, after all he was the one who left me, and he was the one who cheated, and lied to me, so now this is what he did to all of us, but he is mad at me????) well give me a break!!!! just once!!!!!! and *act* (because that is what he does the best) like a human being again, FOR OUR DAUGHTERS SAKE!!!!!!!!<P>no! of course not.. these idiots all sit back and turn everything that has happened around on us betrayed, for their own SELFISH irrational justifications..!!!! <P>The really ironic thing is that they all totally beleive in their own deceit as TRUELY being justified... I <P>I don`t need the help, he does.. but he`ll never see it that way, and he of course doesn`t beleive in getting counceling.. so because of his lame excuses, our family was torn apart.. and then he still walks around thinking he is such a nice guy!!!???? and that his *^%% don`t stick!??? NOT!!!!<P><BR>no, sorry, but what I need is an anger board.. some one that not only relates, but that might just make me feel justified, for my angry feelings, and not get critisized for them.. (I am not saying any one has ever critisized me here) but I am saying, no natter what I say or feel, I get the same old lectures, instead of giving me my day of glory, my time of need in releasing my pains.. AND THIS ISN`T EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT I`D REALLY LOVE TO SAY!!<P>YES I know it is tearing me apart. yes it is.. and it is going to keep tearing me apart, until my ex can come around to *acting* ciivilized, so we can have some sort of peace of mind, (for a change) between us... he has no clue, how to break the ice.. I always did that for us.. and I have tried numerous times since he left, so it is time this 54 yr old slim, grows up.. and face his fear of confrontations.. thats his biggest problem, and why he has had three failed relationships.. (two marriages (me being his second time around) and one live in in between the tow marriages) all because his own incapability of communicatiing fails him.. and now he is working on his 4th (new) relationship.. <P>I think this slim, can only go for so long with some one and the moment that any kind of small or large trouble begins, he can`t deal with it any more, the woman is left to undo/resolve the issues at hand, and then this slim knows he doesn`t have to deal with it, we will.. <P>this has become a pattern, in his whole families lives, all multiple divrces, (except for his parents) all three siblings!! now that is pathetic.. and you should have seen this yrs holiday photo`s my daughter brought home.. all men, hardly any woman and the ones that were woman, were all blood family.. not one spouse left!!! <P>I can just go on and on, so again.. I will stop now.. this is doing me good to vent, but how many really made it this far into my post?? it is grueling after a while, and some grow tired of reading this as well as listening to it.. <P>thank you again KristyAnn.. too bad all us nicer people are the ones getting dumped.. wouldn`t you like to do the dumping for a change???? <P>AV<P>

Dear numbheart,<BR>i understand your anger.I am not a person of much words,but your post got to me,I felt the need to respond. <BR>I also feel angry,and hurt.The whole thing stinks doesnt it?Keep on venting ,we are still here for you. beth

Dear AV,<P>It is very very UNFAIR the horrific curves life sometimes throws us. This is my second marriage, the first to an abused orphan who was abusive and unfaithful; the present to WS who was unfaithful for 2 years in a marriage that to both of us was near perfect. WHat a creep he was - I call him all sorts of names - scum, sh*t, etc., I also turned unrecognisably violent because of the 'soulish ties' that were transfered to me as the banshee nympho was a violent person (she landed in jail when she knived my WS hence the A was exposed).<P>Although my WS was shamed, it took a few Church friends and family to get him through the process to remorseful, sorrowful, and finally repentance before me, and before my baby and most importantly, before God. And my WS was a Christian. WS also knelt down at my feet for forgiveness, etc..<P>I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.<P>Even what my WS has done to ask me to erase from my memory his adultery, and his myriad reasons for that, I am so hurt and pained that I wanted to kill myself and my baby. I had to get my baby's godparents to look after her, and now I have live-in help.<P>I was coached by supportive friends and family to better mental health now BUT I am still carrying so much torment for so long. The process of finding out the adultery is usually :<BR>shock, denial, hurt, grieve (loss of Spouse because of A), anger, hate, bitterness, healing, rebuilding and restoration (of complete self).<P>Many are stuck at anger and hate, and they stay with us the longest. I didn't and also couln't let go of the rage, hatred, disgust, indignation, tormentors that grip me every moment. I became non functioning; daily living was tough and the world was so distant. I might as well put a knife in myself and die (I confessed to many people how I actually felt because I was so afraid I was capable of doing that).<P>Some nights were so bad - I lie in bed and the urge to go to the kitchen to get the knife and plunge it in WS heart was almost irresitible. I am a Christian (but lost almost all faith when the A hit me) so I would pray hard to Jesus, and would also look at my tiny baby in the crib in our room. I wept thinking how can she survive with a dead father and a mad mother now imprisoned.<P>You know what I did - I started hitting myself first because the piercing pain in my heart was unbearble, and then he offered to let me hit him, which I did. Oh boy, I had so much anger and hate and unresolved emotions and turmoil that simply got more and more incomprehensible, and I was literally drowning in them.<P>Counselling by a pastor helped me to stop hitting myself and killing my baby (it was scary because I realised later that banshee had threatened to kill baby before). Up to this minute, I still cling on to the notion that WS was too weak to let go despite all his pleas that the A was sustained by blackmails. <P>I was advised that for my sanity alone, I have to forgive and heal. I believe that when you feel you trust a spouse so much and that there is care in the marriage, and you invested everything in it, the betrayal just hit like a tsunami. I was not so mad in the first marriage - afterall he was himself abused and had a horrible life. I was more reeady to forgive and let it go. <P>But this second marriage was different - it seemed to have everything going for it. He was a corporate highflyer with public service roles and potential; I was a cover girl mags fashion model with a postgrad degree - we were seemingly so in synch. It just got torn asunder by his drunkeness and unfaithfulness - so many lives ruined, so many family members (my side) literally wept.<P>I was all ready to leave, I just kicked him out of the house on a daily basis because just seeing him makes me suffer again. I think what helped was recognising these horrendous emotions wreaking havoc and damage to my inner person and to my life. <P>AV, it is paramount that you did not pretend and recognise these devastating emotions. I was healed of my emotional trauma ata healing ministry just last weekend. Before that, I was helped to come to some grips with the unfairness of the situation through wise sayings such as:<P>forgive the unforgiveable<BR>forgive to heal yourself<BR>your marriage is dead and in the grave, what must you do now? Remove the tombstone?<BR>what do you really want?<BR>he was wrong, he was selfish, he was weak, he was human<BR>it is him, he sinned against God first<P>we want you to forgive for your own sake - it is not about him, it is about your life, you have turned so ugly; let God back into your soul<P>it doesn't matter where he wants to go - he can go to hell for all he wants; it is you we are worried about, we want you to walk in the light<P>release your anger, your torment to Jesus, he will take them all<P>surrender all to Jesus, he is far wiser and stronger<P>ask God to forgive your failings of anger, hatred, violence, bitterness, jealousy, envy, and tell him to give you all the good things in life again<P>God will never allow anything that you cannot overcome, and he will protect you from them <P>Now, you have your own life (my WS was very controlling) back - go live it fully<P>Worship God, not your husband, not your marriage<P>Never let another person's sins and lack of character mar you for life; you must be stronger than his weaknesses -you live, you thrive<P>the best revenge is to be even happier than before<P>if you were given one year or less to live, would you live like you are doing now, or would you make preparations so that your baby and family and friends and yourself have the most joyful times ever?<P>In life, you don't have to strive all the time for happiness - happiness is temporal, fleeting. Joy is the goal. Joy is in you, and when you are filled with joy and peace, even when you are in jail, you can sing praises to the creator<P>so what if they had great sex, so what if they had great times, you wil never know everything - you know that your life is yours to use - you want to throw it away - they get the ultimate victory because some people are just callous, they feel good when others are destroyed by their actions - they get power.<P>You are the one with the clean conscience<P>If you are magnanimous at a time like this, ask God for his blessings and he will bles you and your baby greatly<P>Yes, God is mysterious (my WS became very close to God after his A, and God gave him gifts, and I was angry as I lost all faith and ability to worship by then. However, I remembered that I committed him to God the moment I discovered his A, and asked God to bless him to be a great father to my baby and husband to me).<P>I was encouraged to ask God why WS is getting gifts and becoming closer to Him while I was all torn and shattered. I cried out to God my sense of unfairness<P>God has forgiven all your sins, you forgive others their sins, so God will listen to your prayers for blessings<P>Choose to forgive, get your life back, fill your heart and mind with godly things, and live for God and baby<P>'Tis far better to have heard God's voice than to have the love of man<P>Do you really want your WS dead?<P>You give them too much credit and power - they destroyed your past, your present, stop them from destroying your whole life, your baby's life<P>Hate and be angry, swear at them, then when it really is time, take out a little stone of such hate and anger in your heart each day and discard it<P>Get 2 bottles,and when you are angry, fill the 'anger' bottle with a small grain or pebble, and when you managed to release that anger to God, put one grain in the 'release' bottle. See how you fare after some time. Are you trying to humanly manage the anger or are you wise enough to give the impossible task to Him who is greater?<P>you am too human, too small, too fragile, too destroyed, too anything to uphold a facade of real joy. You let God work the miracle in you, and you have almost no space in my heart for WS, it is filled with God and baby and family. Only when you am totally recovered and restored then do you consider him. No one ask you to forgive him and embrace him straightaway. You ask for Agape love - treat him as a friend (maybe a lousy friend) or the father of your baby.<P>You chose to marry him, you made a bad choice.<P>He chose to stray, he made the wrong choice.<P>You are angry about all the time and attention and sex and money he spent on the A, it is in the past (I really hate this 'in the past' thing), ask God for swift justice because even as you forgive him, God will surely punish him as in David and Bathsheba.<P>Leave the punishment to God.<P>You never know God's plans for you.<P>Yes, WS's adultery is not what God wants, but people are human and sinners, but God will not test you beyond your endurance.<P>He meant it for evil, but God meant it for good (Joseph and his murderous brothers story).<P><BR>Dear AV,<BR>I am baring my story to you in the hope that you know it really is suffering to be in a situation like this. Many of us would have thought of revenge often. It is not abnormal what you are going through. Some of us have great support and many forms of support to help us through this painful betrayal.<P>Maybe some are blessed with a different capacity to overcome the hurts and anger. I was a very optimistic person and a rather good counsellor before this. Now I am a wreck. But I must rise above the situation, shine for my baby and my godchildren.<P>It is a tremendously ardulous path and I cannot make it without all forms of help, including this MB forum. Let us all help one another in some form. <P><p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 25, 2000).]

alone1,<P>thank you for such kind words.. I know one day, (not sure when) we will over come the night mare that our ws have thrusted on us, and will survive.. I also know that (for me) with each thing that developes, from his irrational attitude, I want nothing more to do with him, unfortunatly we have a daughter, and thats what keeps the ties going.. If I had it in my power to cut all cords, I would have already, but can`t.. and thats what is so toruring.. to see the slim, I once looked up to as a man, pull up, and if I am out side hangs his head down, so to avoid even looking at me, after living with me for 16 yrs.. is just unreconisable.. <P>I am the type that hates being alone, and feel so lonely, and then on top of that having to do everything around the house and take care of my self so to take care of my daughter, feel so over whelming.. <P>my daughter most definitly does not have the full 100% attention, I once could give her.. I am not focusing well, and even tough I am here 24-7 for her, physically, mentally, I am in and out of depression.. when I have my good days, they are still basically god, not the best they can be.. and when I am in the wourst of times, it is not really bad for my duaghter, it is just quiet and I am subdude.. so not to expose my feelings to her, (which is hard for me to hold in) so, yes I do come here, butmostly to read, and there are so many other sites that have helped me as well..<P>thank you again alone1..<P>weep,<P>You brought tears to my eyes from hearing what you have endured through out your life time.. I commend you for havig the strangth, even though you choose to feel it is from god that you have survived.. <P>I am an athiest, and do not have that beleif, so I can not relate in a religious way.. and I mean no offence, beleive me..<P>my mom turned to religion when my dad left her, she became a fanatic, and to this day, I have not seen where any higher being has saved her from what has taken place.. <P>I will not go into why I do not beleive, or what I think about those that choose that route, (I do have very strong feelings though, about why) but thats immaterial..<P>I will say this to you.. I am amazed at how you`ve come through this, and have risen above this. I hear it in your post.. and if god is what helped you through, and that is *your* beleif.. then more power to you.. I really do respect those that have such faith.. I cannot relate to something I can see, or can not be proved that it ever exsisted.. sorry.. thats just the way I am and the way I have been all my life..<P>I useto beleive in love, and the first one to dissappoint me was the one man I still love very much to this day, but our relationship is a bit rocky, and that man is my dad.. he devastated me, and I was an adult, at the age of 25 when he left me mom, for his OW.. I didn`t talk to dad for 3 yrs.. and then it took yrs to even feel as comfortable around him again. and to this day, *I* am the one who still feel a bit uncomfy, specailly now.. being I am going through the emotions my mom did, my feelings of my dad have all surfaced again.. <P>the second perons of course is my ex, who I loved (and still stupidly do) very deeply.. and the 3rd person beleive this or not, is my sister (there are 5 girls and 1 boy in my family) but my one sister, whom I was very close with, and still work for, has cut her cord with me too. I thought we`d be best freinds forever, but as time has gone by, it did not turn out that way.. <P>I have tried talking to her about it, and she just gets adiment aboutit, and won`t bend to see it my way, and all I ever wanted was to be able to call and talk if needed, or get together (when we are not working) once in a while.. didn`t have to be every week, but once in a while. if we do get together, it is because something is needed to be dome for some family event, and we`ll shop for what ever gift that is needed for that event.. <P>this is all sad to me, because the 3 people I admired the most and the ones who have dissapponted me the most.. I feel so alone in the world, yet I do have a gorgious and wonderful daughter, to cherish for life now.. I just wish I din`t dwell on what has happened to me, up to now, but can`t help it.. I can`t turn off my brain from contantly thinking about everything that has happened and the why`s?? it is unbarable.. and for me there is no higher spirit big enough to stop my pain.. <P>I truely comend you for the strength you have .. I know one day, as time passes, I will slowly move on, but the sadness and loneliness is coming with me for some time to come.. and the sadest part is, these people are not stupid, and know how each of them have effected me, and yet still do nothing about their wrong doing.. <P>I`m sorry.. I know I sound so gloomy, and I am.. this is going to take quite some time, and this time is killing my insides.. I wish I could make it all go away, but they are all people I have ties with.. so where can I go, or what can I do, to stop this vicious cycle.. to me there is no way out.. I am stuck, surrouded by dissapointment time and time again.. <P>this is getting way to long, (as usual) so I will end this here.. <P><BR>thank you so much for taking so much time to write me about you.. I admire people like you and I am happy for you, as well.. <BR>your doing great weep.. keep up the good work.. and thanks again...<P>AV

I too can relate to the anger and frustrations. My xh has but so much burden on our children since our divorce last year, there are days I hate him more than I ever imagine hate could be and I must say I never hated anyone in my life - I was taught at a young age that hate was not accepted - you could dislike a person, but not hate. The only thing that keeps be sane in this whole ordeal is counseling and hope - I have had to rebuild by faith again since for awhile I lost that feeling I was being punished for something - though I couldn't figure out what I had done - than I realized it was the hate I was feeling that was bringing me down. I agree with others who have replied and journalling, writting your thoughts and feels down really helps to get them out - keeping them bottled up just makes you angrier and the hate gets stronger - talking to someone also helps - sometimes a good cry also helps to relieve the tension and sadness. Also reading the Bible has been a big help from me - and I'll be honest it's the first time in my life I ever actually read from it - its very comforting. Good luck and remember there are many of us out here feeling the same way you do.

dear numbheart,<BR>I have a hard time posting here because H has read some of my posts in the past.I have alot of pride,and i dont want him to know that I shed one tear for him.<BR> I thought that eventually emotional pain would decrease,but I can not move past the pain to happiness,I would even take just feeling content. I am getting tired of this.<BR>I too would like to cut off all ties,hurts to much.But when he calls for the boys I have to listen to his voice.<BR>I am waiting for life to get better.Iknow iam a strong person,If H had same amount of emotional pain that I have experienced,and for the same length of time,I doubt whether he could have handled it.

Dalienated, alone1,<P>I wake up angry and fall asleep angry, and usually have bad dreams each and ever night and don`t even get the kind of sleep any normal person should, from all this, for two whole yrs now.. <P>there were some hopful days at one time, but I still knew deep in my heart this person that my ex is now, was never coming back, so any faith I even slighty feel at any time is all always some how destroyed by this alien he has become..<P>I wish I had the words to express how you two have made me feel this morning.. It truely brings tears to my eyes, because I use to see some compassion from this slim, evenif he could never help resolve our problems he use to at least feel bad and after time had past his guilt got the best of him.. <P>you two have just brought back that feeling this morning for me.. and I thank you for that.. <P><BR>I feel if I say what I now sometimes wish would happen to this alien, I may be booted off this site!!! thats how much I HATE HIM NOW.. <P>I had recently written a letter to him, (havn`t in a long time) to try and convince him to not have his hussy around our daughter, (who is still married and my daughter knows this is the woman that broke us up) AFTER I had gone to this womans house recently and caught her husband instead of her, (which I would have prefered, hoping being she is a mother she might underdstand and listen, unlike my ex) and he is furious with me.. <P>now it is two whole yrs!!! this has been going on, but I had no idea that he was subjecting my daughter all this time, and he obviously taught my D to lie to me (saying lets spare mom her feelings) and my D abliaged him, so NOT TO DISSAPPOINT HIM!!! so she wouldn`t loose him like I did, and put her in sucha pssition, that I felt someone had to take a stand for her.. so I did..<P>he then (of course, and I exspected it) wrote me the nastiest letter because we don`t talk and havn`t for over a yrs now) as a matter of fact I don`t even get phone calls for our d, he bought her a beeper, and uses that so he doesn`t even have to call here.. thats what a coward he is!!<P>I can go on and on, but this last episode has proven to me what a bas_____! he is, and he will never see just how much he has setroyed both my duahgters and me soul, from what he has chosen to do.. <P><BR>it is always the brtayers choice and no one else gets a choice.. I hate the courts for allowing this to go on, and no one gets any consequences, no one gets any forced counceling, nothing..!<P> I hate this slim for purposly putting our D in that possiton, and I hate everything that is going on inside me and what is happening that I have no control of.. I want my control back.. I want my life back, (we all know that is not going to happen, so I will continue to suffer) watching this peace of sh__! prance around town, *acting* like his sh__! don`t stink.. <P>well he is sadly mistaken.. he is lower then a blood sucking magit, and hell isn`t evn good enough for him.. <P>the sadest part is the letter I wrote, had sarcasm in it, but it also had lots of reading to be able to read between the lines, adn any HUMAN BEING, would normallly have felt something fromt this letter.. not him.. because he is not a human being any more.. there is no catagory for this slim ball.. he is dead.. this alien has completely taken over the body and mind of the man I once knew.. <P>and as forthat last letter, I did get a responce, and his last sadistic remarls gave me the closure I so very much needed to never have anything to do with him again.. he is dead to me now, and I will live with that thought from now on.. <P>I do apologize to any one that reads this and takes offence.. that is why I wanted to find an anger board.. some where that you could relaly write what you are feeling and thinking to vent the pain away!!<P>I wish every one here good luck, but I realy do feel I no longer belong here.. my ex doesn`t deserve my hopes any more.. he deserves nothing..<P>AV

Numbheart,<BR>I have been reading your post, but have not posted as I did not quite know what advice to give.<BR>I am in a very similar postion...18 monts separated yada, yada etc.<BR>H will not communicate with me by phone...kids have their own line etc.<P>I have 4 teens who now have fully accepted ow, and Hs lifestyle choice.<BR>No-one has a clue(except d's therapist and my lawyer) about what a manipulative [censored] he is IN TERMS OF THE KIDS.<P>He has enabled some awful behaviour from them...he is their friend and I am the single parent who has to make ALL parental decisions and boy have I taken the brunt of the kids anger at so much.<P>Latest is that he is trying his best to alienate the kids from me to justify his actions.....1 19 year old is alienated from me, 2 sons doing well but 14 year old d totally screwed up and will do anything to please him...including telling me in therapists office that she wants to go and live with him. When I stated "fine but then do not expect me to do anything in terms of parenting. I too can be a "nice friend" as father is. ...will see you when it suits me blah, blah tc". She changed her mind later, but why my anger is so high is that H is on a relentless quest to totally destroy my relationship with my 4 kids (which will not happen!!!!) <P>The 2 youngest live with me and have always.<P>My anger knows no bounds at this piece of [censored] who calls himself their father.<P>Whjat do I do?<P>Write, talk to 2 friends who have been unbelievable, see a therapist and try to work out strategies to not buy into his manipulation which is insiduously done through the kids.<P>Divorce will take ages for financial reasons....another fantasy and lies on his part which will totally enrage him when he understands what he will have to give up!!!!<P>And therein lis my dilemma......I have done many things in my childrens best interest, only to be kicked in the face by them and their behaviour (usually they take this in turns) .<BR>They are hurting and lashing out...through adolescence, this mess and other reasons...such as being very confused as to a parents role.<P>D's therapist and mine who I saw last week, stated that if I was not angry, they would be very worried....so do not think that your anger is unreasonable, it is. However, be careful where and how you release it!<P>I also told them what I would like to do to H....and they laughed and understood perfectly. It IS OK to have these fantasies of "payback"...but make 100% sure that these are all they are...and very abstract paybacks too, please.<P>Do not seek "revenge"...by contact anymore with ow, ow Husband etc...this cannot help you.<P>Live your life as best you can. and understand that this is all about H, not the marriage etc...His reactions now are similar to so many who find that they6 cannot have their cake and eat it too. Stop allowing him to push your buttons though...this you do have control over....easy to say, much harder to do I know...butI have been there and trying to do it!<P>Think about this too....if your H had thought about the consequences....would he have embarked on this behaviour?....I think not, therefore when it does not pan out the way these aliens thought it would once they were caught up in the fantasy of it all, and the reality is not a reflection of their original plan, their anger knows no bounds.<BR> You are the one inteferring with their plans...so will be the butt of all their anger....passive-aggressive and other.<P>Goodluck<P><BR>

Dear NH,<P>Being numb helps to a certain degree to get over the slime ball. I can say for sure that all of us understand how you feel and what you are going through - we live it almost minute to minute. For those who have gone past the anger and hatred phase to acceptance, have to deal with triggers every now and then.<P>We who are still stuck at the anger and hatred phase has a lot of hard work in front of us. Before I knew of my WS' A, I was counselling some folks about As and to say that they deserve to wallow in great distress, anger and bitterness from between 6 months to a maximum of 2 years. Mt reason is that wee are human and need to put aside time to grieve and cleanse our wounds daily with antiseptic. It is essential to keep applying the germicide or the skin would close over the wound and who knows, 2 years down the road, it would just erupt and hell breaks loose.<P>It is right and healthy and normal to feel the anger. I have been having nightmares on an almost daily basis and hadn't slept properly for a long time. What is crucial is once we are stuck in the pits, we can stay and die there. You are doing the right thing in trying to vent and call for help so that others can hear you and get you out of the pit. When you are in a pit like the kind we are in, there is no way you can climb up to the top by yourself; we need the right kind of rope or ladder or even crane to get us out. But it does take a while before some real help comes, and we live the dark nights scared and hopeless, and every Samaritan that stops by to ask about us gives us some comfort.<P>But we must Dare ask not only for comfort but for the ladder so that with one big heave, we make it to the top and walk among others. We stop to think and even look at that pit and fear and anger well up inside us again. Slowly, as we continue to walk among others and live a full life, we may become automatically better. <P>There are many issues to address in your situation, mainly your anger and your daughter's life. <P>You can enrol in exercise classes such as kickboxing, aerobics, etc, as exercise release certain hormones that make you feel invariably better. You can also buy a punching bag to hit and kick as a form of exercise - you will get a mean butt and lovely arms and nice waist as a huge bonus, too. You can get to help the less priviledged, particularly the old folks (because their future is often very limited and that can jolt us to realise how short life really is and it is in our hands to make it better).<P>You can begin to pamper yourself with lovely baths, outfits, nice hair cut and colour, etc. It makes you feel more confident and relaxed and pleases your child too.<P>Focusing on your daughter's needs can help alleviate the hurts while you are with her.<P>Compartmentalising your anger to a certain time of the day to reflect and write nasty and horrid letters to your ex (and not posting them) and reread it and keep it to reread will help you deal better with the scope of his heinous betrayal. <P>You really need to get help in anger management and get all the poison out so that you feel lighter and your world becomes not only liveable but really the birds sing, and you sing along. It looks very distant now, but it is possible.<P>We are made of tougher stuff and because we are indignant at what a loved one did so callously to harm our self esteem and ruin our lives just goes to show our lives matter and we are not going to rest until they suffer. We can use this rage and indignation to our advantage and declare that NO SLIME BALL or LOW LIFE SCUM should have the honour and upper hand and power to destroy us FOREVER! We claim our lives back; we grab from their hands our charred lives, burnt almost to ashes, and crying to others for help, we try to put back our lives little by little. Sometimes it is easier to paste the burnt pieces together because of spouses helped put out the fire and with their own lives and repentance, we unite and rebuild. <P>In some cases there is only ashes left. I reach out to God and ask Him to renew me, and he did. I was healed of my emotional trauma. But there are still plenty of issues to deal with before restoration. If you don't believe in Jesus, you may have to reinvent yourself from the ashes, or you may want to give Jesus a try. <P>As for your daughter, I think it is best if she feels that she can tell you stuff and you will not go off the rails. This will help her to keep you informed of everything. To her, her father is still her father, and she probably doesn't want any of her parents upset. So if she feels safe that she an tell you anything, including her love for her father, then you can know everything.<P>I am concerned that you have now three very close relatives who betrayed you which means that the hurts go back so long. Trust is the most fragile of all emotions and takes the longest to rebuild. Maybe, you can try to rebuild something with your sister and father. I am not sure if your sister was angry with the way you felt about your father? Somehow, when you try to mend one relationship, your anger begins to slowly dissipate because you find yourself doing something about it, and then forgiveness at the frailty of the human condition and of life itself takes over, and you feel a release.<P>You are now a captive of your anger and seeing the world that will hurt many old relationships and hinder new ones. The new ones are also very important to you. Maybe it doesn't seem to matter at this time when much of our minds are full of fire and bitterness, but if you can slowly let a nice caring soul into your life, you will feel slightly better. THen, at the end of the day, you can lock yourself in your room and have your vent as well. But we need to start building bridges soon so that we have a new start for our sakes, and our children, our siblings and mostly because we deserve better.<P>I hope to hear from you again. You really can vent, the MB site will automatically delete your expletives so you get ****** ***** **** ***** **** **** ******** **** **** ***** ********

wilbok99,<P>that must be so hard to live with.. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.. <P>I have just recently (after writting my ex, and got his foul responce back) told my 12 yr old, who has seen this hussy now, BEFORE MY EX LEFT as well as having to put up with it now, that her dad has proven to me, that he lies and can not be trusted, and by him telling you, (my D) that this woman is not married any more, may be a lie as well.. and that I am so sorry she ios being caught up in the middle of his ignorance and stupidity... <P>she and I had a rocky start, because I know she blamed me for his leaving us, (which in reality is right) but she did not know at that tiem the real reasons, or want to beleive the real reasons.. so I got the blunt of her anger, as well.. and she also had to live with seeing me in the histeria mode, being I was so crushed.. <P>we are now getting along much better, I am proud to say, and I know as she grows and becomes more of a woman her self, and goes through a few hurts her self she will look back and relate to what has gone on, and only then will she surface her feelings about this to my ex... <P>I know who and what I am, and it is a much better person then he can ever be.. he hasn`t got a clue how to be a good emotionally supportive husband, and that is why he runs away.. <P>he will never see it for what it is.. he justifies all his wrong doings, by living and beleiveing in his own lies.. this is a mental disorder he is obviously born with.. <P>I want to thank you for sharing your story with me.. and I can only dream that one day they all do get just what they all *do* deserve.. and that is a life of misery!!!! <P>{{{HUGS to you wilbok}}}}}<P>AV<P>