Once again I am going to ask an embarrassing sexual question and get your opinions. Short refresher history. My husband has never had much of an appetite for sex. He is very reserved and not passionate. I've a bit of the opposite. He has always appreciated my actions, but never made me feel good about them (does that make any sense?). He recently has been watching the porn channels on tv after I go to bed, and before I get up. (yeah--he seems to not sleep at all---only before and after dinner). Last week, out of the blue, at an inappropritae time (we both had the flu) he comes right out and says---I'd like to have wild passionate sex where we do it all. ---I just reply that it sounds fine with me. BUT WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE DID THAT COME FROM???? He has never said anything remotely close to that before. (He never talks about even having sex unless we are in bed and then it's just---are you going to sleep or can we stay up?) I am shocked at his interest and wonder if it has to do with his involvement with the porn. (But I am not turned off my his interest, not disgusted or anything, I just can't believe he has said those things) And did he just say those things cause we were both so sick (maybe it was the fever talking?) and no chance of it happening? Since then (about a week) he hasn't said anything to me about sex again, even though we had 4 days together, with quite a bit of time. Anyone have any ideas on this? Sorry again for airing my personal situations here. I just feel that through this anonimity that I can get some replies.

GBM<p>It sounds like you have a real communication problem to work on. None of these questions that you're asking here should be embarassing or hard for your husband to answer. I'd suggest that you work on the communication aspect of your marriage to work out this (and other issues).<p>And no, I'm not sure where his 'new-found' interest would come from. If it was 'viral' induced, would you please culture some and send it my way? Thanks! :-)

K--<br>I haven't asked him any of these questions. He sort of cut the conversations off after he said it. I just know from the past ot not push him when it comes to talking about sex. But I jsut thought of something. I know he used to occasionallly ask for sex, but he'd ask in the voice of a 12 year old. His tone of voice irrated me at first, but I let it slide, but then I started requesting (after years) that he ask me in a serious voice. That I couldn't get to intested in making love when it was treated like a joke. So I probably bruised his ego with that request. But I know if I am in bed and he wants sex he will still use the 12 year old voice. (which does completely turn me off and irritate me)

If you think that the communication between you two are 'excellent' or 'very good' in other areas, then I bet you can work on this area and even have 'fun' doing it. If not, work on the communication skills in other less sensitive areas, and build up to the tough stuff.<p>Lovebusters in the area of sex are particulary problematic, because of the obvious sensitivities involved, and the fact that one shouldn't get this need met outside of marriage. <p>You do realize that taking any of this advice to heart could have severe side-effects: you're talking to a man who is pushing his second year of celibacy inside a marriage. <p>I too, have to learn how to 'ask' in a better way. But we're currently working on some different issues (successfully), and I have a great belief that even the sex issue will be worked out to a 'mutually enthusiastic' agreement. :-)

GBM,<p>I wish I could tell you where it came from. It could be possibly the porn. He must enjoy it to keep watching it so there must be something there. I think he must be thinking about it to have said it. I wonder if there is something in his upbringing that makes him have a conflict over sex. I have several friends who were taught that sex was for procreation only and not under any circumstances to be enjoyed. When they found it a pleasure they felt guilty for liking it. The kinkier the sex the more guilt they felt. These are both men and women that feel this way. Do you think it is possible that he has this conflict going on inside? I'm grasping at straws here but I want to be able to help you. <p>Steph

GBM.<br>I actually think it is quite healthy to express what you want from your spouse. Especially sexually. Of all the problems that my wife and I had, our sexual relations were not one of them. We always told each other what we liked, disliked, wanted to try, or were against. <br>That your husband got these ideas from the 'porn channels' is fine. At least it was not from someone else. <br>That he was run down and tired, may have contributed to his ability to express it to you. He may feel inhibited regarding these requests. Try to bring it up outside the bedroom, so that there is no "pressure" on him at the time.

First of all, he did not say those things because of his "fever".<p>Let's face it, our society is all "scr.. d" up about sex...<p>If watching the porn stuff gives him ideas, maybe it is increasing his sexual self-esteem, or helping him visualize fantasies he has never expressed to you. If he is fantasizing, that is pretty good - means he wants it (hey, he even told you that...)<p>I know that one problem I have ins dealing with sex, is my own low self-esteem that is transposed into the way I feel about my body and sexual capability.<p>Yes, some porn can just seem senseless to women, because we do not see it in the affectionate context of our relationships. But it is quite different for men - a real "pick you upper" (litterally...). If you are not turned off, why don't you ask him what he means about "wild sex" - maybe it isn't as wild as you may think. Indulge him in some of his fantasies... it may help bring him out of his "a-sexuality". You obviously want more - don't beat around the bush, make him feel good about his sexual needs.<p>Re his asking in strange tone of voice... does it really matter at this point in time??? Isn't it more important that he wants it rather than how he goes about asking for it? Maybe it is something you can tackle down the line once you have a more stable sexual relationship.<p>Janet.

Thanks all---I hope I can remember everything I want to reply.<p>K-- wow--2 years, I don't know your story, but I wish you luck! I think our communication is the worse with sex. But since things have been getting harder all of our communication has started to fail.<p>Steph-- I know he is inhibited and a bit inexperienced. But I don't think this was drilled into him as kid. But what was drilled into him was that ALL MEN are rotten. He doesn't have any specific reason how, just that all his female relatives hate men. (!!!) So maybe he's trying to not be rotten, and use me for sex or something. (I have assured him that making love passionately is not against my wishes )<p>Bill-- I've started to worry about this porn watching from others talking about tehir porn addiction on this board. I am worried it will lead to soething. Kind of like now, he all of a sudden wants to have wild sex---yet our relationship has problems. I find it very hard to be the passionate lover he wants me to be at the drop of a hat without any encouragement. So I guess if I don't start to fulfill this wild fantasy he has recently acquired that he might go out looking for it. But he won't work on the rest of our reltionship....aaaaaargh.....I'm at a loss.<p>Laurie--I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go back and read your reply. I just know that I wish his silly voice didn't bother me. I'm working on that.

Hi GBM,<p>Couldn't help but think that maybe your H asks for sex with a "12-year-old's" voice because he's somehow embarassed about, may he feels "childish" asking for it. Maybe by making a "joke" of it, he stands less chance of being hurt if you refuse him. (not that you'd refuse, based on what you've said.)<p> Have you considered joining him in his little "game"? Maybe even responding to hime in YOUR best 12-year-old voice? Sometimes lovers will "baby talk" to each other or make reference to "giving daddy some sugar" or some other such thing. <p>I haven't been waiting for sex as long as "K", but if my wife initiated sex speaking a foreign language, you'd better believe I'd have my head in a Berlitz book the next morning!<p>Give it a try! What could it hurt!<p>Val<br>(The Husband)<br>

Val--<br>thanks, I have thought of that, that he is embarrassed. I haven't tried to talk back to him that way. (ok--maybe I am inhibited here---I'll have to work on that--what exactly should I say? I don't know what I should do--any hints would be helpful)<br>