i would be very curious to hear the results from people regarding this topic. IS THERE USUALLY SOMEONE ELSE?<P>I believe that in most cases there is.<P>I would like to hear back from people who discovered this, and also from people who left thier marriages to go to someone else<P>i would like to poll this sight and put a percentage to the results. <P>i yes or no answer would be great, and also i would so much like to hear your story.<P>i wonder what the percentage polled would be?<BR>i can figure this out and post it back here!!<P>so help us all and tell us yes or no!

Hi, to answer you question, I don't know if there was someone else or not. My STBX told me over a year ago that she no longer loved me but she couldn't tell me why. She didn't know why she felt she needed to leave and be on her own she just said she had to do this. It didn't matter that we'd been together thirteen years and have two children, one her son from a previous marriage, she just didn't love me and had to leave. Shortly thereafter she began going out continuously with her friends from work bar hopping and not coming home till two or three in the morning sometimes and usually very drunk. Till this day she claims there is no one else and if I choose to claim there is just to help me cope with the fact that she left then I should so. Maybe I'm being nieve and just don't want to accept the fact that she left for someone else or maybe there is no one else like she claims from what my daughter tells me there just doesn't seem to be any evidence to support an affair, but we've been separated now since Feb. so who knows. Maybe she did just fall out of love, I don't know and I may never know, so many things have been said and done by both parties since the divorce papers have been filed that it's way to late for either of us to turn back toward reconsiliation even if she did want to try, but her final words to me on the subject of reconsiling were "I don't love you anymore so what's the point" end of story. So here I am trying to figure out what happened like so many others on this board and trying like hell to deal with the consequences of her actions, both on me and our children. I'm sorry I didn't give you a more definite answer, but my story doesn't have one. Good luck with your poll. Jax

,<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

I met my x husband in college, we dated until I graduated and then we were married for 13 years (so I had been with him for about 18 years). We have two little girls. He is 39, I am 36. My x left me for a young girl (under 25) in his office that he started off supposedly just having innocent lunches with (if there is such a thing). He told me he realized that he was starting to like her more than he should so he asked for a separation to determine if he still had any feelings for me. He said he had been having similar feelings about other woman for some time and knew he better leave. He wanted me to find someone better too. I tried to stop him from leaving, but he refused and we are now divorced. Similar questions have been posted by others on this site in which the full details of my story can be found but that pretty much sums it up. You may want to find these other posts to hear what others were saying. <P>I don't think he would have left me without having someone else available. But, if it wasn't this girl, it would have been someone else down the line.<P>

well, I had the A but OM is not in the picture now..I have wanted out for a long time..before A..and still want out..so not always because of another person..<P>My h is just never here..he's always away from home..last he was here was Labor day..<BR>came got the kids took them to the beach brought them home and haven't seen him since..he's been away working..been like that for nine years..

In most cases I would say yes, in one form or another.<P>I left my xh, for other reasons, he was not kind, though he to this day would say it was for another man. Agree there was another man in my life, but not sexually, just emotionally - - he helped me to fully understand the hxxx I was living in and gave me emotional support. He and I are still very good platonic friends (he has a girlfriend) yet my xh still insists the reason we split was because of him. I don't think he will every admit that he could have been a part of our relationship not working - he felt he was perfect even though he belittle me everyday of my life.<BR>

rtn2,<P> No, no one else. H is happy with our marriage, he sees no problems. I feel he is not affectionate enough. I know we are in love, and will be together forever. I would just like to feel that love more often. I would not leave him to find it elsewhere. I will get it back. I am strong willed, and determined.<P> When I said I might move out, he woke up and started reading HNHN with me. We move in baby steps, two steps forward, 3 steps back. But the forward steps are giant steps.<P> " or until you no longer "think" you love each other" was not part of our marriage vows.<P> SheRa<p>[This message has been edited by SheRa (edited September 25, 2000).]

There is almost always someone else. We have been married twenty years, six children. The day he told me he wanted a divorce, he said he had been feeling that way for "weeks, maybe months," and the next day went to stay with her.

Yes in my case there was om.

Yes, there was someone else, but he had not been happy in quite a while. He just did not feel like coming to me and talking aboutit. Had he been ble to do that, perhap we could have salvaged our marriage. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

I have no clue, it sometimes seems like my wife must be involved yet other times I don't believe she is involved.<P>

Yes and no. According to her words, no. But according to the email messages she does not know I have seen - yes. Was it physical? I don't think so, but it was emotional. It amazes me how people can say "well it wasn't sexual so there was no other man/woman". Are you kidding me? I think it is ten times worse if the relationship is an ongoing emotional attachment rather than a one night (or short) affair.<P>I believe an affair is an affair - plain and simple. Whether you are cheating plutonically or physically, don't kid yourself, you are still being unfaithful to your spouse. You are taking emotions that were meant only for him/her (based on the vows you made) and giving them to someone else. I am not trying to judge anyone here on this board, but at the same time don't try to rationalize what you did as "right" or "it was innocent". It is what my wife has been doing and I think it is partly responsible for the depression she is going through. She knows deep down that what she did was wrong.<P>The worst part? We were in counseling and supposed to be working on us. My attitude had shifted drastically. I rearranged everything to work on our marriage, but she cared less. We would go on day trips per the counselor's suggestion, but as soon as we would start enjoying ourselves, she would somehow, someway "pick a fight". Then I found out that when we got home, there would be an email to this "friend".<P>Sure it began innocently enough - She met him one day in tears over the problems we were having. That was the worst thing that could have happened. This man began listening and being there for her. To be honest, he could have not been in a better place for himself. Whatever she said he would agree with and on top of that he would feed her lines like "you deserve so much better than that" and "if I had a wife like you, I would never treat you like that" and on and on.<P>Going outside the marriage to a person of the opposite sex is almost always a bad decision, especially if you go to this person for advice and consolation. There is little doubt that either you, yourself or this person will begin to get the wrong idea of your "friendship". That is how affairs start and marriages breakup.

Yes. We avoided splitting and are now in recovery from his EA, but when my H wanted to leave and swore there was no one else, it turned out he was "in-love" with a co-worker.

My story. H and I have been married 22 years. 3 kids last one just turned 18. Now he says he wants out. Hasn't been happy for a long time. Is there someone else. Well emotionally yes. He lived away from home due to military for 4 years. Befriended a woman who was going through a divorce and even though they now live in different states they keep in close contact. He says they are just friends but like others I have found evidence that at least at one time it was more.Or if not physical very emotionally attached. We are heading into counselling but doubt that it will help. don't think he is willing to give up OW completely. Good luck on you survey.

This will be divorce number 2 and in both cases, the H cheated. Both times I thought things were pretty normal and suspected nothing.

I suspect that, unless there is physical/emotional abuse or substance abuse, that someone else is always involved.<P>Unfortunately, there is at least 50% of the married population who believe feelings, and letting oneself be carried away by them, are more important than commitment and working towards regaining those feelings with the one they promised themselves "till death do us part".<P>Our culture perpetuates this "risk all for love" myth in movies, books, and stupid research by "scientists" trying to justify the selfishness in their own life. I was very encouraged to read the article in TIME that talked about the REAL affect of divorce on children. For all of those left in the wake, jeez, what can you do when there is no choice? Certainly don't tell the kids "it's ok, and we just didn't work out". When they are old enough to understand, I think they need to be told the whole truth, even if it is not pretty.

I believe that every marriage falls apart because of emotional needs not being met. Period. (other that abusing there children or step-children) Whether or not someone else is involved is irrelevant in my book, as it is not the root of the problem, more of an effect rather than a cause.<P>The effect of needs not being met is often amplified in a situation where childhood abuse is concerned, as the inherent depression is compounded by a bad marriage, and the person just wants to get out and hide from their problems. Too many people underestimate the seriousness of this problem and fail to realize that 40-60% of women and 20-30% of men have been abused as a child, either sexually or physically, and by many accounts these numbers are light. People who have never experienced this call it a "scapegoat" and don't factor it in.<P>So who cares if there is someone else, this other person didn't create the problem, but they are certainly an obstacle in repairing the marriage.

I disagree. The existence of the OP can destroy an ordinary marriage with manageable problems (and no marriage is problem-free).<P>According to a psychiatrist quoted in an article in the NY Times, almost every single instance of a man suddenly leaving his wife and family after a long marriage involves depression. <P>The logical response to perceived problems in a marriage would be to talk to your spouse, to seek counseling, and only then (and only if you don't believe in "to death to us part") divorce.<P>Affairs do not occur as a result of problems in the marriage. Affairs occur because of problems within the betrayer.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR><B><BR>Affairs do not occur as a result of problems in the marriage. Affairs occur because of problems within the betrayer.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know this is getting off topic, but here's what Steve Harley told me (my W being the WS): You are not responsible for your W's affair. Yes, you contributed to the marital problems that made the affair more lkely to occur. However, it was <B>her</B> decision to become involved in an affair, and as such it was not your fault.<P>So I agree with Nellie. At some point the WS makes a conscious decision to betray their spouse. Only they and they alone are responsible for that decision.<P>Leon <BR>

And... in case folks need to hear it from the horse's mouth.<P>I was a betrayer, and I will say there were problems in the marriage. These problems were not insurmountable by any means. We were both facing a crisis, which made it hard for my ex to be there for me. Still, I could have chosen to go to a counselor, talk to a girlfriend, or my family, but did none of the above. I talked to the OM instead, and that was my fatal mistake. I did "run away" briefly, but recognized that fact. After my confession, I went to individual counseling for about 8 months. <P>My ex had problems too. We are both children of alcoholics. What is sad is that we knew we were at risk when we met each other. We cried after we told each other about our childhoods. I wish he would have stayed to work this out together. I'm afraid he will go on to another divorce if he can't recognize his problems too.<P>This has been a period of deep introspection for me. My ex, on the other hand, wasted no time finding women to date, and was out dating within a month of my confession. It is not a justification to say he most definately contributed to our problems.