.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

trapped mom,<P>I wish I could be right there for you now, and take the pain away for you with a big fat hug! that the best way to take any ones pain away.. we all need human touch, and that is what we are all missing the most.. <P>I know just how you feel and what your going through right now, because I am too.. we all are.. <P>I just had a freind, I met on line, that has been the best thing that has ever happened to me during this whole horrible night mare, and she wanted to write my ex, for me, to see if it may help the situation, (not to get him back) but to stop the silent treatment going on between us, (his doing of course) so that perhaps our daughter can finally see that what once were her happy parents, will now at least be her civilized parents.. but he is a stubborn old goat, and probably will miss the entire point of the letter, due to his extreme ignorance.. <P>It seems that my ex has now completely lost it, and has gone over the edge, and the man I once knew, is never (souly) going to return, even as to be civilized for his daughter sake.. <P>you see he feels he is doing all he needs to for his D, and there is no need for us to get along any more.. he is through with me, and there is nothing more to talk about.. <P>we can`t control any one but our selves, and that is now what I choose to do.. he is non exsistant to me, dead berried and gone.. he is nothing to me any more.. <P>do not let this weasle get to you.. do not allow him effect your self esteme.. fight the feeling, and allow your self to be human, but in a rational way.. it is a greiving, but it is not a loss, it is his loss.. big time.. they will see that one day, when they grow old and are all alone, or perhaps with the one person that they never had kids with or history with, and will think back on thier lives and say those were the best yrs of my life.. and they will miss it.. beleive me they will.. <P>I get to live 24-7 with our daughter, he will miss out on all the private times all the personal times, all the dating times, all the everything times.. he now only gets a samll peace of those times, and will wish he hadn`t... <P>try hard to be strong, and take care of you.. that *is* all the matters now.. <P>{{HUGS}} to you<P>AV

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

trapped mom,<P>I wish I had the answer for that one.. I would then be rich!! <P>but seriously, I think we have to think like them, and grow a bit cold our selves to hold on to our sanity.. I can`t explain that any better, it is just the way *I* have choosen to handle it.. <P>I feel so terrible for you and you D.. mine holds things in too, but it is getting better between us with time, and her growing up a bit, (a bit too fast as a matter of fact!) <P>being she is 12 she is trying real hard to be a good girl for both the ex and I... and so far so good.. it is the ex who is making this all so hard on us all.. and he can`t even see that.. he is so blinded from his held in recentments of what ever inticed him to do this to me, that he can`t see straight any more...<P>I will write more later, have to go right now, D has home work to finish.. <P>later...<P>AV

I don't know your whole situation, but I can relate to the going back and forth thing. My H gave me hope quite a few times that he wanted to work things out, so imagine my surprise when he tells me he wants a D. I had three months of hope and faith and gut feelings that I could't shake (still can't) and I'm not sure if they were real or just denial. My instincts are usually right, but I feel like they're clouded now. <P>I want so desperately to know the answer to your question. I keep praying that my husband will realize that he still loves me (or that he can again) before he moves away. I'm sick of people telling me to keep using plan a and maybe he'll come back. I'm sure I'm missing the boat on plan a. "It's for you, not for him," they muse. I want to let go so badly. It's just so hard.

unfortunatly the love we felt for our spouses will never go away, it is a scar that will be there for life.. it may subside from time to time, or at some time and point some one else will thake it`s place, but that never realy makes it go away.. <P>I don`t feel I will ever love some one that much again... (although I have learned the phrase never say never) I am pretty possitive about this one..<P>I may fall for some one again, but the trust will always now be questionable.. thats the shame of it all.. but it has been proven to me over and over again by so many people I know, family and freinds, that just can`t seem to work things out, and (sorry to all you minority men) but it is mostly the men who do the cheating..<P>they say woman leave before cheating, (all though there is a minority there too) woman leave for all the right reasons, and STILL TRY AFTER LEAVING, FOR ONE LAST CHANCE TO RECONCILE, BEFORE MAKING THAT POSSITIVE ANSWER..! <P>the sadest of all is the fact that the kids loose a parent, period.. some who sep, or are final in diovrce, may still be good to thier kids, but it is no long 24-7.. and that makes the big difference.. (to me anyway) it is the core of being a parent, to be there for them every step of the way... not just part time.. <P>eventually life goes on, and the one parent that really truely wins is the parent that had every minute of every opportunity to wathcnthem grow!!! daily!!! that is their biggest memory of all.. us, the ones who never gave up on them.. <P>so lets end this with giving our selves credit where credit is due.. and pat our selves in the back for being the bigger and beter person... <P><BR>better days are coming..for all of us.. <P>AV

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

mine never looked back either trapped mom.. your not alone with that either..<P>I had a very stressful day, with lawyers and things of that nature.. some good news but as usual some bad.. <P>I am of course in another down mood, and this is growing tiring.. but it is part of the process I guess.. <P>I know every one talks about time, being the thing that is going to make this all better.. but 2 yrs!!!! and I feel in the same place, just "time" has passed..<P>I am still so amazed that this alien that has taken over my ex`s body, keeps him from thinking straight any more..<P>his new life with his new OW, is all that matters now.. and I no longer exsist (in his life), at all.. <P>I can not get over this.. I just can`t.. I *STILL* have such bad days.. and today is one of them.. <P>I wish there was some miracle to remidy all of this.. but unfortunatly there is not..<P>I`m gald your having a better day.. hope there are more of them for you..<P>AV

Those people who claim that time makes it better are wrong. It does not. It has been over a year and a half for me, and it is not one bit better. In many ways it is worse.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

trapped mom, and nellie1,<P>thank you bth for responding to me, (even though it is trapped moms thread, I`m sorry I didn`t mean for it to turn out this way) <P>I heard once on Oprah, with that guy Phil Mcgraw, that it is not the time that heals, it is what you do in that time to heal yoour self, (or what he was really saying to COUPLES, is that the time it takes to work together to heal the marriage the couple to two individuals!!) <P>that has great meaning, yes, but easier said then done.. I am having a very bad time with this, and even my lawyer today, got blasted, (too bad I pay him well) for not understanding the emotional part in this, all they want to heat is money.. thats it.. I was so angry with him showing no compassion what so ever, and I sit here and suffer dearly every day, and my heart feels like bursting at times, that these people, (freinds, family, workers, lawyers, even my kid) can`t see I am COMPLETELY DEVASTATED! and no one and nothing is going to get me my world back.. my life back, my love of my life back.. no one.. <P>I can`t get through to this alien, that he *is* so wrong for what he chose to do.. THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT.. HE *IS* WRONG!! and we could have savved our marriage, for all our sakes.. we are all human, and he crushed my daughters and my heart.. and the sickest part is he has no remorse..<P>I started a thread that asked if there was an anger board.. I would love to really let the world know, it is society and the courts that are our runination.. <P>Nellie1.. I can`t tell you how long you`ll feel this pain.. every oe is different, and I KNOW I`m the type to never forgive.. this man tore my insides out, and has totally destroyed my faith in anything any more.. <P>I am ok one day, and the next I can`t focus.. while he, (they all) are wlaking around with not an ounce of feeling left in them.. <P>It is just too much to bare sometimes.. I can`t even go near any pictures or go through the attick to clean it out, I know I will come across so many thing to remind me of the good times I just can`t do it.. I have neglected even taking care of this house, because everything is something we picked out together..<P>you know what is really funny though.. my daughter told me that my ex`s new condo, is decorated in pink, in the kitchen.. he hated anything pink.. that is the OW decorating, and the wimp allowing her to wrap him around her finger.. just too much.. even my daughter laughed!! <P>well any way, as usual I write too much.. so I will end this now... but I wish us all happier days ahead.. cross our/your fingers!!!<P>AV

I'm still up at midnight, so I'll jump in. After this happened, I talked to a few men - one being my dad who is now single because of my mom and has a lot of divorced men as his friends. These guys and my dad told me that by the time a man leaves his family for an affair, he's already done it 3-4 times. That got me digging into my past with H, and I discovered more than I wanted to, he has cheated on me since the first year of our marriage, and I believe before that too. I haven't had the guts to contact the other OW tho, just started remembering incidents, putting 2 and 2 together, and then found some stuff on his computer that confirmed my suspicions.<P>My life was a lie. I was completely in love with a man who probably never loved me back. His lack of feelings now makes total sense to me, he was an actor, a con artist. All I do is remind him of what a failure he is, I make him feel his conscience and he doesn't like that so he wants get me out of his life quickly so he's not reminded how rotten he is. I even think his kids remind him, which is why he's rarely seeing or calling them anymore. He was the guy who everyone thought was a boyscout. The churchgoing dad. The guy who thought clinton was scum. You name it. What a con.<P>The pain in my life is that it was all a lie. Him being gone is actually a relief.<P>TM - I think the good thing is that D is letting it out. I have yet to see my boys let out how they feel. I know they hurt, they're just ignoring it and keeping it in which I think is worse. The hard part is knowing what to say to her, isn't it. Max did start crying the other night which of course made me cry harder than him. I just held him and told him I'm so sorry and I never wanted their lives to end up this way. It was probably the wrong thing to say but in a moment like that sometimes you can't help what comes out.<P>My tears are usually for my children, not him. I have no desire for him - but this has also made me come to the conclusion that I am not the greatest judge of character and I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again.<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

It has been three years and 2 months for me. It is better now for me, but I had no financial woes - it has to be easier to adjust without them.<P>I was in a fog for a year. I dropped to 100 lbs. (I'm 5'7 - I looked terrible) I cried all the time, could barely function at work, was on antidepressants, my kids were clinging to me, having nightmares, would scream when I tried to leave the house. I didn't know where my husband was living, he had an unlisted phone number, he saw the children a couple hours a month at my house. It was a year of hell for me. I divorced him 18 months after we separated. That is when I started to come out of the emotional trauma, and started to rebuild a life. But you know, I still had hope of reconciliation, but I started planning a future without him.<P>Now, I honestly do think about the good times. Maybe its human nature to block out the bad, but the truly horrible times are fading. <P>I am seeing someone else now, the hopes for reconciliation are slim to none - but in the last couple months, my ex is making a turnaround, as a father at least - there is none of the love in his eyes for me. He is regularly seeing the kids, and now, the new future I was planning, without an involved father may change again.<P>My kids accept the situation, the little one more easily than the older. But accepting it doesn't mean they are over it. They still hurt, and miss their daddy - but it is no longer affecting every aspect of their lives, just as it did mine. They are happy at school, at church, with their friends, with family. But there is a sadness in their life where their father should be - the 24-7 is gone. And that is what they want - and the only thing I can't give them. <P>I'll always love my husband, but it is a different love than I felt when we were married, and a long time afterwards. I am sad it isn't the same, but I am happy it isn't the painful love anymore. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm getting to the point where I can appreciate the good in him, and see why I married him, without that horrible hurt in my gut.<P>It will get better for you too.<BR>

I too am like you. I am in great pain also. It's the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. My x keeps bouncing back and forth. Although he doesn't have anyone else in his life right now. I believe with him it is a control issue. The funny thing is he hasn't been a very good father and the kids are like a toy to him. I have 4. He treats them good when he wants to hurt me the most. He hasn't financially been very responsible either. Last nite I told him to leave me alone if he was going to reject me over and over. I wasn't the one who broke the vows. Anyhow, today he brings $50 to one of my daughters and $25 apiece to my 2 sons. Just to spend on themselves. He didnt' give my oldest a darn thing. (Probably because she away at school) Now all of a sudden they think he's great. But I have been the mom and the dad, the only one providing for them financially and the parent that has been there to dry up the tears. I just wish I could shake him and make him love me again. But I know that the only way is for him to understand the consequences of his poor behavior. It's such a hurtful thing to feel like you are a yoyo. Where do I find this "Plan A" I hear everyone talking about. I really need help to cope with everything and some good solid advice too. Can anyone help?

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

TM,<P>Boy, I wish there were an easy way, but in hindsight, the sadness and consuming nature of it really got me thinking - about everything - about the marriage, me, him, the kids. Everything. Like it was a necessary part of the healing process, and can't be skipped. If you haven't found a local support group - do it.<P>My turning point was when my boys walked in on me sobbing, and the look of terror on their faces...I realized I had to be strong for them. <P>When I accepted there was nothing I could do for the situation, that it was all up to my x, I took control of what I could control: <P>I had started running again, frankly, to relieve the stress - sometimes I felt I could punch holes through the walls - I was mentally screaming at them with every step. So the good thing, was I was getting back in shape. I focused on that aspect, rather than the rage (oh but it still helped release that too) and kept pushing myself physically. And just like they say, exercise helps with depression. I also took extra special care of myself, and how I dressed, and my makeup. <P>I stopped praying for my husband to come back, and instead for Him to take away my pain, and for guidance and strength to do the right thing in everything - not just for me and the kids - but every aspect of my life - it worked.<P>Your time will come too - I hated when people would say things like "you need to move on" and "get over it" "his loss" - you can't just stop the feelings - your timeframe, is your timeframe. I know that - but I never would have believed, with as devastated as I was, that I would ever have a happy moment again - but I do. <BR>