My H just called me. I had left a message for him about my car. I need a new engine. I owe too much on the car so I can't trade it in right now. He couldn't help because he said he was moving and paid for deposits and stuff. I am living in his mother's house (renting), am driving a time bomb, and have three dogs. It's impossible for me to move into an apartment with them and he is reluctant to take one. The dogs are my hobby; I train them. Giving one up would break my heart. I may have to do that! I am broke and behind on my bills. I am so angry with him. I know this isn't all his fault. But it's so easy for him to leave. All he has to do is relocate. That's a new decision. He is not living with the residue of decisions long past. I am left holding that bag. He offered to help after he moved. I can't depend on him to buy dog food like he promised he would. Just call him, he says. How can I do that? I am a professional who makes plenty of money, but he has left me in such a bind financially (he handled the finances when we were together). My credit has sunk to new lows because of his bad decisions. I am angry and I had tried not to LB. I'm sure I did. I am disgusted with my attitude of "Just keep plan Aing; maybe he'll consider coming back. It's not over until it's over." Blah! I am so sorry to vent. I try to stay positive, and you guys have been wonderful in trying to keep spirits up and offer words of encouragement. I am just so tired.<P>I just read a post about analyzing chemistry. It had such hopeful thoughts about possibly finding love again. I get sick when I think about trying that. I am scared to death to date again. So many women have such terrible attitudes about men (look at all the women'smagazines). I started to cry when I read some posts about why it may be wrong to date. Such harsh words were spoken. I am terrified that it will all happen all over again. The chemistry, the passion, the love, the trust, the dissapointments, the distrust, the divorce. An ugly cycle. I can only control my own behavior; I can't stop someone else who wants to leave. how can I put my life in someone else's hands again?<P><BR>

GSD, <P>Right now you are experiencing the first harsh realities of your marriage failing...he has moved out, you were hoping you could salvage it (and you may still be able to) and things feel out of your control. Even thinking about another relatinship right now more than you should be dwelling on. <BR>First, take care of yourself.....you have to get sleep, exercise and maintain the best mental attitude you can. Only then can you do the best for yourself. <BR>Then, start working on the things that you can do without his help. Look at you r financial situation as clearly as you can and begin a plan to get on the right foot. Look at options with your car, and your living arrangements. You can only control yourself here, you cannot do anything about him or what he will/won't do for you. <BR>The "chemistry thread started because some of us here who are divorced were far enough along in our recovery to begin to think about another future with a significant other...you at this point are far away from that...<BR>But know you can make it through this...ou are a good and strong person, you will find the power within yourself to rise above this cruel mess. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

gsd,<BR>"I can't stop someone else who wants to leave. how can I put my life in someone else's hands again?"<P>I know exactly how you feel. I do hope you have the courage to put some of your life in the hands of friends and family. Don't be ashamed to lean on your loved ones at a time like this, or need them for a shoulder to cry on. <P>Another thing, dating again is not a sign of healing or recovery. There are plenty of people who date who haven't really healed at all, they just have an easier time brushing junk under the carpet. Please don't gauge your progress by someone else's behavior, and don't feel like you have to rush out and date to "show" people how healed you are. Only you will know when or if it is right for you.<P>Sue is right that you don't need to be focused on that at the moment. I know it will be lonely. My ex and I separated 2-1/2 years ago, and have been divorced for 1-1/2 yrs. I haven't dated at all and had no desire to. Still don't. Only this week did I even consider dating in the DISTANT future.

gsd,<P>Another suggestion.... If financially you are trying to get things strait, make an appointment with a local CPA (Certified Public Accountant). Not just an accountant, a CPA can be a valued advisor. They can help you put together a budget and get together a financial life plan. Although I am not practicing accounting anymore, when I was, there were many a time that a divorced wife / widow would come in to our office. We would help get her financially back on her feet and help guide her through so many money issues. We would work diligently to help remove one more burden out of her life.<P>That is one good thing I know my wife is taking with her out of our marriage. I made sure she handled all our personal finances so that, God forbid, anything should happen to me, she would be able to both understand and take care of her financial future.<P>And about future relationships...Remember that you will never know the benefits if you don't take the risks. My biggest fear is to trust again, and end up in a similar situation down the road, but to truly be happy I know you have to just sometimes take a chance. Don't know if you are a country music fan, but Garth Brooks has a great song called "The Dance". It takes the position that while things hurt now, if you knew how everything would turn out back then, you may have chosen not to continue and try. In doing so you would have missed out on so many "good times" as I am sure there were in your marriage.<P>For all of us it is just so hard to remember the good times right now.

I can remember them. That is the problem.