What things would you look at to be warning signs of a bad relationship/choice? In other words, what are some mistakes you made in choosing the person you were with and how could you make a better choice in the future?<P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

You know, I think all relationships have flags...it is how much each is committed to the relationship, how much the marriage vows means to each of us, and learning to take the not so good with the not so bad. <P>Do I think my marriage was a mistake? No. There were things about him at the time that I noticed, but it did not keep me from marrying him, or wanting it to work. I am sure there were flags about me in his mind as well. <P>But, somewhere, we just did not put the time into our marriage. We just didn't care if we kept our "flags" in check or not. We took each other for granted.....<P><P>------------------<BR>Susan

One flag for me would be previous marriages and the reasons we got out! Do they seem honest or gaurded, do they take any responciblity for what went wrong in previous relationships.<P>Drinking behavior, what do they think of kids, do they want more kids? Are kids top priority?<P>I guess I have many questions!

I'd have to say my W's addictive/compulsive behavior is one of the things that I could do without.<P>It seems she can't enjoy the "here and now" because she's to busy thinking about what she's doing 2 weeks or 2 months from now. She'll spend a lot of time preparing for an event or a trip and doesn't enjoy it because she's working on the next thing she has to get done or do.<P>She also has an addictive pattern from early on in our 15 year relationship that has re-emerged.

aaa<p>[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Red flags:<P>1) inability to be brutally honest, such as by saying "whatever you think, whatever you want, whatever. . . ." is NOT honest, it is avoidance.<P>2) the inability to articulate what you want out of life, vacations, careers, living location, retirement style, the value and use of money.<P>3) the inability to be deal with adversity by not running away, by discussing options, and making good decisions in the face of limited information.<P>4) the inability to see the world and incidents from either different viewpoints, or your viewpoint. Especially difficult situations, or if later your S had a completely different version of the same incident. <P>5) the inability to know thyself.<P><B> Let me add: </B><P>6) The quality of the Spouse's relationship with his/her parents, and the relationship between the potential inlaws, or any other generational family relationships.<P>I missed some of these signs, but know about # 6, but toally ignored it. although I also didn't know myself as well. I didn't have the confidence or the understanding of why, although I knew and told my best friend that the marriage was not right before the wedding.<P>thl<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited September 28, 2000).]

The whole relationship was a red flag!<BR>I was 18 yrs old and he was 22. We new eachother a whole month when I moved 150 miles from home to St. Paul to live with him.<BR>The more I think about it we were totaly disfunctional from the begining. We did have our good times but maybe he was right maybe our marriage wasn't meant to last.

GSD,<P>All good answers above, although I like THL's a lot.<P>Mine would be the relationship his mother and father have with each other. It was a divorce and a bad one. <P>Dana<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B>Red flags:<P>1) inability to be brutally honest, such as by saying "whatever you think, whatever you want, whatever. . . ." is NOT honest, it is avoidance.<BR>thl</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, thl, that's a good one! In retrospect, or I should say <B>in retrospect</B>, that turned out to be the red flag with my W. While we were dating she never complained about anything, never resented anything, took everything in stride. I was amazed, especially with all my co-workers complaining about thier wives bringing up past resenments months after an event. "You poor guys" I thought; "My girlfriend (now W) never does that". Well, turned out my W was never honest about her likes and dislikes, and her incubation period for venting frustration was close to 5-6 years! Imagine trying to defend your actions from six years back. Yes, dishonesty would have been a red flag, but I couldn't have known then how bad she was at communicating feelings... The worst thing is, she didn't know this either, until it finally hit her like a tidal wave. Sheesh, the more I write, the more frustrated I'm getting. I'm stopping now... <P>Leon<BR>

HB and thl--<BR>Yes yes yes. My H's parents were divorced. Strange situation. They married not out of love but by what they thought wa God's calling (he was gay--thought he could change.) After 25 years of misery and suffering, they divorced. H claimed that he never wanted to go through that stuff, blah blah, same as what HB said. Now he claims he refuses to be stuck in a marriage that wasn't happy--like his parents were for 20 years--just because of a committment. Funny how stuff turns around.<P>About the honesty, thl makes some AMAZING points. My H harbored resentment for decisions he didn't really want to make for years and then blamed me for them. He didn't know what he wanted or who he was. I knew that; we met when he was 19-20. I had graduated college and had lived on my own. I was 22. OOOH, so much more mature (ha ha) but I had a little more perspective on things. I wish I had found someone with the strength of character to articulate his wants and needs clearly from the beginning. But I'm sure that I had some part in inhibiting that result.

My ex's parents weren't divorced, so I thought that meant he would work harder on the marriage too, but he didn't. His parent's marriage, IMO, is dead. They are both very dishonest. His dad degrades his mother and them quite often. His mother just sits there and takes it with a sick look on her face. What it taught my ex is how to be emotionally abusive. My ex expected that he could do that to me without any major ramifications.<P>My parents are still married, and very happily now, but it wasn't always that way. From them, I learned that marriage isn't always fun, but if both keep working at it, then anything is possible. So, what I ended up with is married to an emotionally abusive man I can't seem to give up on. Bummer,huh?<P>Red flags for me:<BR>a) expecting me to do something they aren't willing to do themselves (hypocrisy)<P>b) dishonesty in any way, shape, or form. Especially lies to supposedly "spare my feelings". I don't know if I'm a big fan of just blurting stuff out (even though I tend to do just that way too much ). A little tact is nice, but still, need to find a way to come out with the whole truth. <P>c) Lack of empathy

Tough one,<P>I don't think I had warning signs, but differences which I should have taken more seriously:<P>His father didn't treat his mother well.<P>Different education levels, different thoughts on the value of education.<P>Different work ethics. <P>Different levels of honestly in every aspect of life - big and small.<P>Now, to lighten it up, my warning flags for dates of someone worthy of pursuit, in the initial phase, I walk away from someone who:<P>1. Bad manners.<BR>2. Rude to waitresses/waiters/service people.<BR>3. Inappropriate attention/flirting/joking with women.<BR>4. Aggressive or impatient drivers.<P>or Gina,<P>someone who carries 8 by 10 glossies of himself