My husband and I recently divorced and I am so confused. He has had numerous affairs over the years and always complained that I paid more attention to our 4 children. This is probably true since I was the only parent doing the raising and he was out messing around from day one. I was married to my high school sweetheart for 21 years. The problem is is that he will call me and want to see me ( to satisfy his sexual urges). I had him removed from my home with a restraining order when he came home very intoxicated one evening after I found out about his affair. Since then he moved in with this woman and he has split up with her. He filed for divorce not me. I am a Christian woman who feels so strong about marriage vows. What I don't understand and is causing me much pain is this: why would he find another woman and sleep with her. Why would he divorce me and yet still want me. What do I do. I don't want to be treated like a dog and yet if I could salvage the relationship I would. But only if I saw fruits of his change. As of yet I really haven't. I need advice on how to handle this situation. What do I tell him and what do I do to make him understand that I won't tolerate his behavior any longer. Please Help!

I wish I had the answer for you. <P>Have you looked at Plan A and Plan B on this site? Dr. Harley has some great advice on this subject.<P>I hope you can work things out.<P>Jennifer

Thank you for your response. I haven't seen Plan A or B. Where do I locate it? I am so hurt and sad. It's not like I am an ugly person. I have a lot of compassion and have taken very good care of my physical appearance. I always loved him and showed that. I wish I knew how to take away the pain. Thank You for reading my post.

Dear CM,<P>I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. Your XH is being totally selfish.<P>One thing I would certainly not tolerate is having him come over just for sex. As long as he thinks he can get away with that, he will never get serious about making a commitment to reconcile. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"<P>Does he still have a key to the house? Get the locks changed. If he calls, there's only one thing you can say to him, the word is "NO". No, you can't come over; no, we can't have sex; no, you may not trample my feelings any longer. Don't allow him to bully you into it. You don't deserve to be treated that way.<P>It doesn't mean that you still can't do something to reconcile the marriage, but certainly not on those terms. Read the book, "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It is very good, and I think there are things in there that would be helpful to you.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

NSR, where are you?<P>Plan A and Plan B are ways to deal with infidelity. <P>There is an article that describes these by Dr. Harley on this site but I do not know how to get the link.<P>If you search for Plan A or Plan B on this site with NSR as the user, you will find the topic and then you can click on Plan B and it will bring you to the article.<P>Hopefully, that will get you to the info. If not, NSR will probably come to your rescue.<P>By the way, I'm sure you are a beautiful and compassionate woman. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how great you are. I don't understand what possesses another one to turn away from a marriage. That's why I can't tell you how to get him back. But others here might be able to help you. Some do come back. I hope that happens.<P>Jennifer<BR>Jennifer

The question I have is whether your ex has a problem with alcohol. You can plan A or B all you want and if he hhas an alcohol problem. He will continue to act like the self centered person he is!

Absolutely! My x has had an alcohol problem for quite some time now. You are very right. He is self-centered and very inconsiderate of my feelings or needs. I know that he treats me poorly and I just don't know how to show him that he does. I was doing very well through this whole thing until he kicked her out of his home and then tried to weasle his way back in with me. Now I am weak again and very insecure at times. I always sit and wonder what I did to cause this. I was a good wife and a mother. I never asked too much of him or expected to much either. I kept my physical appearance up for him as well. I have had 4 children and am still the same size I was when we met (size 3). I did everything I could to make him happy and he still treated me wrong. I just wish I knew why. The other thing is why did he divorce me (and he was the one who filed) then still want to be in my life. I just don't get it. Why can't he just stay away. Maybe it's because I never ever would have done the things he has done. Now days it's hard to find a partner totally committed to marriage and the relationship. Believe me I had opportunities, I just made the choice to Honor and respect him. Which I might add he never did for me. The sickest part of this is this, why would I still want him. I feel like I am losing my mind. Is it normal to feel this way? Why can't I be strong like before when I knew he was living with her? Why can't I just say get lost? As for Plan A or Plan B, I think you are right. The alcohol is a problem that no plan will get rid of no matter how hard I try. Thank you for your input. It really helps.

Dear CM,<P>There is <B>nothing</B> wrong with you! The way you are feeling is normal and understandable. However, it may not be healthy for you. If your H is alcoholic he has a problem that is not your fault, but there are things you can do for yourself and your kids. I would suggest seeking out an Alanon class and getting involved. You will find people who can relate to your problem w/H there and it can help to give you the strength for what you need do do.<P>You can't <B>show</B> your H anything. You need to back him off, though, for your sake as well as his. He will never attempt to get better as long as he is able to continue his abusive behavior. I'm sure you still care for him and you want to try to salvage your relationship -- he needs help before that can happen. And it's <B>not your fault!</B> <P>You <B>are</B> a strong person. Look at what you have done so far! Just muster that strength within you and stand up for what is right. You also say you are a Christian. If you don't feel you have the strength to do it on you own, draw on His.<P>I'll say a prayer for you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

Thank you Kristy Ann. I can always use the extra prayers. I went to my daughter's high school football game this evening and my xh showed up. He was all decked out like he was on the prowl. He came and sat down by me and didn't even speak to me. What a jerk. Then he got mad when he overheard me say another man there was good looking. Soon after I made my remark he left. I just don't get it. How can it be ok for him to sleep with someone else and live with her while he was married to me. But I can't even say another man is nice looking and I am divorced from him. Is he just a self centered control freak who has just realized he has lost all of the control he had on me. I wonder if that is what this game has been about for the past 26 years of my life. Control and selfishness. I have to admit I wasn't rude in any way and I was very strong in front of him. I really don't care if he is angry or not. Maybe that means I am making progress. He hurt me so bad by sleeping with other women. I just don't understand why I still have feelings for him. Sometimes I think I am a moron and other times I realize I am doing the right thing by forgiving and trying. Thanks again!