Maria,<p>You brought up a very simple point that I didn't have an answer to.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5041_qa.html<p>The second letter in particular identifies the particulars of negotiation during the policy of joint agreement. If you truly can't come up with a 'solution' that really fits, then I THINK you don't do anything (although I'm not sure it was explicitly stated).<p>That may be covered in more detail in 'Give and Take'.

I've read three of the books and its pretty clear with the policy of joint agreement...that a solution must be made that both parties are enthusistic about. If the other person is not enthusiastic, then the plans are off.

Well, if the choice is "Should Steph stay home?", then she has not enthusiastically agreed. <p>How about "Should Steph go on her family trip, and have her parents watch the kids after they return so that Steph and H can go on a trip together?"<p>Can enthusiastic agreement come after disclaimers and mitigating circumstances? Can we keep adding to the original statement until we come up with a compromise situation that will please everyone?<p>If so, (because I think that is the right answer), then where is H's suggestion? Maybe we need to ask him what he would like to see happen to ensure his happiness as well as Steph's? Just add his comment to the decision-asking question.

Maria said, Well, if the choice is "Should Steph stay home?", then she has not enthusiastically agreed.<p>As I understand the Policy of Joint Agreement, one spouse should not benefit at the expense of the other. In this case, Steph would be benefiting at the expense of her spouse.If she really wants to go and he doesn't want her to, she should open up negotiations for a compromise that would please them both. If they cannot come up with a compromise, then she does not go.<p>I do not know the details of your marriage, Steph as I am new to this forum. I am just relating what I hav read in Harley's books. His ideas seem to be the best way to save a marriage that I have ever seen.

Maria,<p>I refered back to 'Give and Take'. In the situation where a mutually enthusiastic agreement is not reached, then the course of action is 'inaction'.<p>Or Steph should stay home.<p>KathyLynn does a nice job summarizing: one spouse should not benefit at the other's expense. That's why the agreement needs to be enthusiastic (as opposed to a 'sacrifice'): it satisfies the 'Taker' in both parties. You try to make the decisions "win-win".

Steph,<p>You sound like you are intuitively sensing that this trip may be the straw that breaks the camels back, and you might be right. Most of these issues don't arise in a vacuum. They are usually part of a pattern that has become a marital problem. If your parents have become an issue/wedge in your marriage, then I think that you should not go. At least, in my view, I think it is a little odd that your parents would expect you to go on "family" trips without your husband or without offering to include him with a realistic expection that he would accept (i.e., they haven't come to terms yet that he IS your family now). The reason I say this is that my husband was offered the same opportunity during a major family holiday. He accepted the invitation and took our child with him. His parents had always been a problem for us. They would call him and criticize me for things that were really none of their business and say some pretty vicious things(my husband was dumb enough to let me listen in on the conversations sometimes without them knowing). My husband never really took a side but instead tried to remain neutral and maintain the peace. He would just tell me to ignore them like he did. I became terribly hurt by this and completely alienated from his family. Eventually, I lost a lot respect for my husband. I honestly believe that mutual respect is the foundation to a good marriage and key to its survival. I started to see him as a little boy trying to please everyone instead of a man who had a family to protect. The upshot is this: He accepted the invitation and I even supported his decision. But inside I was furious. I felt that I had won most of the battles, but that they had won the war. After all, I was the one alone for the holiday. As it turned out, we all lost. I used the time leading up to and during the trip to have an affair. I know now that the pain of years of having my feelings hurt to spare his parents' feelings had really sent me careening into self-destructive behaviour. The day he came home and not 15 minutes after our child was asleep for the night, I told him about the affair. Not out of guilt, but to try to make him feel as much pain as I had bottled up inside for years. It really started a domino effect that lasted for 2 years during which we both engaged in a lot of hurtful and destructive behaviours. I realize my story is extreme. The point is that you should carefully assess whether there is a pattern of you allowing your husband to be hurt, mistreated, alienated, or placed second to avoid conflict with your parents.