.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 22, 2001).]

Have you read any MB material on affairs?<P>the WS is in an emotional/physical state similar to an addiction. The pleasure gained is so much greater than what the WS is experiencing in "normal" life that they continue to want the high.<P>Its like drugs to them, and that is why giving up the OP is also called withdrawal.<P>However, because it is an escape, a feel good phase for those who are insecure with themselves or their relationship, it is very difficult to give up.<P>Look at it this way, say you go through 100 men to pick your husband. You think that was a pretty good dating routine to find mr right. You marry, and life gets ho hum, some people get restless with ho hum, and want more instant gratification after awhile. OK, now suppose theoretically, mr perfect was in the next 100, and now al of a sudden, you meet mr perfect.<P>Well, the excitement, the stimulation and the emotional needs that were not being met are now suddenly being met, and the IN LOVE lightbulb goes on upstairs. Now when the light bulb goes on, it is hot in a confined space, and the surrounding material, brain cells, start to smoke, creating fog in the intellectual chamber, and the intellectual side is coughing, can't see, having a tough time.<P>the emotional needs side is going, yeah, this is great! don't stop, I have been neglected for so long, WOOO HOO!<P>does this give you a picture of what is going on inside the H's head?<P>Frank Pittman's book describes types of people who are susceptible to these types of events. Does your H fall into one of them?<P>Have you done an emotional needs survey on your husband? do you know what they are? What is the difference betweenyour emotional needs and your H's? They are usually very different. <B> If you are assuming they are the same, bingo, First major assumption that needs education! </B><P>What are your husband's values? and what are your values? this is slightly more conceptual, but they arise from your family of origin, and his family of origin. White collar? blue collar? liberal? fatalism? conservative? responsible? blame and jealous oriented?<P>it is NOT straight forward, easy and one answer. It is a lot more complicated than one answer, and it requires alot of work,understanding and education. presumably why you are here!<P>good luck, and keep asking questions to learn.<P>thl<P>

.?<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 22, 2001).]

TM,<P>If you read Frank Pittman's book, you will see that people with socially inept or weak scocial development skills from HS and college time frame are prone to being turned on by a floozy type.<P>If the low self esteem is apparently improved by a floozy type telling him he is a hunk and an half, he may not be in touch as much as he thinks with his ENs, and maybe you have LB or made disrespectful judgements that have pushed him away.<P>Hey, this game of life is not easy to be successful, it takes lots of work, and in today's society, life is very different than 40 years ago, and it shows.<P>I don't know about your personal situation, but you can certainly talk with lostva to get some good answers. Lostva's H went and actually lived with OP for a long while, and then came back, and it is now better than ever, but it is tricky, and takes alot of hard work, and NO, absolutely NO LBs.<P>I am not a good reference here, but the fog is definately think, and only you can burn it off with NO LB and T&P.<P>good luck.<P>thl

Trapped mom,<P>I can relate totally and I asked myself the same questions and even at 4 am too.<P>I think some people just get so wrapped up in the "good feeling" in the beginning that they can give up everything.<P>They usually regret it, but its usually too late.<P>Be strong, prayers and hugs, Dana<BR>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 22, 2001).]