Hi All,<P>Well I just got off the phone with my H. He said he misses me and wants to work on us again. I think that is pretty funny considereing he just moved back into our home with his OW and her kids this weekend. As much as I would have loved to have said yes, I know that this pattern would just keep repeating itself. He isn't happy with her but coming back to me is just a crutch until the next woman comes along. He is searching for something and I don't think even he knows what it is. My kids need stability in thier lives and he isn't at all stable right now. I told him I would always be here for him and that I loved him but I just can't keep going through this. He cried and said he knew it. I told him that he needs to make the best out of the situation he made and try to work this midlife thing out. He is going to start seeing a counselor on the advice of our family doctor. Maybe that and the prozac will help. If I ever see my old H back I'd welcome him home with open arms. I just can't live with this new man that he has become.<P>I hope I have done the right thing. I hate to see him so torn up but I can't deal with his craziness anymore and either can the kids. <P>Jill

Jill,<P>wouldn't it have been better to say,<P>"i will consider it when you are seriously willing to work on our relationship. That means:<P>1) kicked out the other woman,<BR>2) written and delivered no contact letter,<BR>3) begin counseling for personal x,y,z condition, <BR>4) willing to begin counseling with Steve or Jennifer Harley.<BR>5) willing to wear an electronic fence necklace. <P>Otherwise, you are just too weak of a person for me to consider beginning to date again."<P>now wouldn't that have said what you needed, been clear and to the point, and there should be no misunderstandings and you are direct.

WIFTT- This is the second OW in the past year. I went through 6 months of total hell while he was withdrawing from OW1. I stood by him and supported him all the way through. When he finally got over her then this OW woman came along. The thing is he is ready to end it with her but who is to say when he will find the next one and then the next. I am really willing to go to counseling together but he needs some individual counseling first. I don't feel like his partner anymore I feel like his Mother who he runs to when his world falls apart. I deserve more than that. So that is why I am standing my ground and letting him try to put back the pieces of his life first before there is any hope for the two of us.<P>Jill

I know that you did the right thing by telling him what you did. He may really love you and you may still love him, but the time doesn't sound right, especially if he has got some other woman living in your house. He has a lot to work out on his own, he has a lot of restitution to make before things are back to square one.<P>You are right on. You did what you needed to do.

OK,<P>so how was the SAA of OW1 handled? by the book, or with just understanding and compassion?<P>You see, you are understanding and compassionate but require a certain structure, and as soon as he commits to the marriage, then you have the upper hand as to what it takes to be in the "new" marriage, it total commitment, such as the no contact letter, the 15 hours per week together, etc.<P>So how was the first affair handled? was it handled professionally, as in the book? or by the Harleys' counseling?<P>or was it just you?<P>The reason I am curious is that if he didn't understand the meaning of recovery, and what a relationship takes, such as answering any and all questions, being accountable for all his time,etc. then there was not real recovery, just continuation of the fog.<P>just curious, because it does not sound like he actaully recommitted, just got you off his back temporarily.<P>thl<P><BR>

thl,<P>It was done pretty much by the book. Yes, he had to be accountable for his time. We talked alot and yes he did write a no contact letter. What I don't think you get is he is having a midlife crisis and nothing can get him through this but him. I have really tried to get as much info as possible about this and what I have learned is it is something he has to work out on his own. we had a good marriage and a good life until he was about to turn 40. He lost both grandfathers and he took it really hard. That is when alot of this started to happen. <BR>It seems really unfair for you to act like I didn't do enough. I did what I could to save my marriage. I couldn't get him to go to counseling ect. So I found this web site and learned as much as I could here. I ordered and read all of Harleys books ect. So you tell me what more can I do. I have been through so much hurt. I don't want to lose him but I can't and I won't put myself or my kids through this again. He has to heal himself first before we even have a chance. <P>I also take offense at your comment about him getting me off his back. Hey he wanted to come home. I never begged or pleaded. I set ground rules. He is lost right now and nothing or know one will make him happy. If there is one thing I am not that is a nag.<BR>Maybe I have taken your posts the wrong way but they really were kinda hurtful.<P>Jill

crazy or what,<P>I think, unless you live through a spouses midlife crisis for a very long time, that it is not possible to comprehend how pervasive it is, how nothing the wife (or H as the case may be) can do can "fix" it. MLC or depression or whatever is not something that can be solved by simply following the rules in a book, no matter how beneficial they are for "normal" marital problems. For them to work you have to assume a certain level of rationality in both partners - and that isn't the case with men suffering from depression or MLC. Simple concepts that you would think would be obvious don't even apply here - like the assumption that treating them fairly will be interpreted as a good thing. It is like living in a parallel universe. The laws of cause and effect don't apply in their universe.

I apologize for inquiring about what I don't know, as I don't know your whole story, although I keep up with most of the posts here.<P>I am dealing with the same issue, MLC, and there is nothing I can do either. <P>I'm sorry that I didn't come across as supportive, reason being I was not up on all the history. If you did all the stuff you said for the first A, and now he is in the second, I think the answer is Plan B, no more questions here, alot of support for Plan B from me.<P>Now that I know the story, I agree with your responses. My STBX is going through a MLC, the stuff that comes out of her mouth is just bizarre. The thought process is all different, and the rational for her behavior is just weird. My STBX is running around with MB outlaws from what I can see, and she found a whole group of "new" friends that she can now fit in with, that she has never had in the past. So now that she fits in, and she feels great to be with them, and since she knows that I would not fit in, it is easier for her to D me than give up where she fits in. There is just nothing we can do, but let them work out these things on their own. BTW, in my STBX's mid life crises, the way to inflate your ego is to pick up real marginal types, hang around with friends who have affairs, H with girlfriends, etc. <P>Someday I hope she learns what she could have if she had only sat down and talked with me, without all the anger and irrational.<P>I'm sorry if i came across such that you felt resentful of my questions. It was not intended to produce anything but suggestions from my limited knowledge of your past history.<P>Yes, I had a mini MLC, but mostly centered around sports, and not having my STBX ever make good suggestions about where to go. Even now, she will say, "Well, what do you suggest?" i will suggest, and then she will say, "I can't do that, we have to do this!"<P>Well, then why don't you say what you want in the first place! so that we can discuss it with all information on the table?<P>I am with you, and I think Plan B and legal protection is the way you have to think.<P>thl<P><BR>

thl,<BR>Thankyou for your response. I am a little touchy these days. I was on the general questions board most of the last year. so if you can still get to some of my old posts feel free to read them. MLC is the pits. A person can either stand back and be treated like **** and wait for it to hopefully end or you can move forward with your life and maybe if fate allows you can find eachother again someday. That is what I have chosen to do. My H is at this moment on his way to Cal. to join her at her sisters wedding. So he is apparently not to shook up that I won't take him back.<P>Jill<P>

I think you did do the right thing. I know what it feels like when they say the words you want to hear. I also know what it feels like to know that they haven't changed enough for the reconciliation to be more than a repeat at the same old stuff instead of a new start. <P>I feel like my drama has lasted a really long time. I feel that I have changed so much and all for the better. I have grown and am able to see what went wrong, but my H is still trapped in the mess that he created with all his bright ideas and all his "pals" telling him I am the problem. Yes, he loves me, but there is no future with someone like that. I am glad for you and your children that you see this. It might hurt, but it *is* the right thing.

Jill,<P>Sorry that you are so sensitive right now. I didn't realize that you were, its hard to tell with letters all in lower case.<P>BTW, my STBX is in MLC also, head doctor told her so. She is all upside down about money, and careers, and vacations. She thinks that I am now so powerful that she can't get her way. really, it is i stopped reacting to some of the guilt, and she is slowly withdrawing into a smaller and smaller world.<BR>And if she had shown interest and understood a few of the things happening in my job, and could talk to me with knowing some facts about our financial situation, and had been able to discuss stuff rationally, we would be doing just fine.<P>She just doesn't get what she needs to do to take responsibility for her life. They just don't get it. and had I known that her MIL had something like this, and it is probably genetic, our kids have it!<P>ARRRGGGGHHH!!!!<P>hope you have better days and weeks ahead.<P>thl