My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and I am deeply in love with him. The problem is, I don't know if he feels the same way about me. He is a minister in the church and is always so loving to other members in the church. They get hugs and "I love you's" and "I'm thinking about you"calls in the middle of the day. Not just female members but male ones as well. I get nothing. I can barely get a good morning grunt out of him. When I tell him that I love him he babbles something that sort of sounds like I love you too I think, he says it so fast. Please do not mention sex, when I mention sex yu should see his face! We have had sex about 10 times in 13 months. When we do have sex I have to start it. I do all the foreplay and I do all the work! He just lays there and does nothing. It lasts about 2 1/2 minutes then he jumps up and runs to the bathroom to wash up like I've just gave him the bubonic plague. He doesn't want me but please do not let another man look at me, he's ready to kill. Yet, there is no affection at all. If I don't kiss him goodnight, I won't be kissed.<p> Whenever he's home before 11:00 pm which is rare,there's always another minister from the church sitting in my living room or he's on the phone ministering to someone. When I tried to share my feelings with him he yelled at me ant told me that I was selfish. Is wanting your husband to love you selfish? So now to avoid him yelling and screaming at me for having feelings I just don't say anymore about it.<p>I do the best I can as a wife. The Bible is my guide to my duties. I don't nag him, I don't tell him where to go and what time to be home. I'm very supportive of his ministry and the church. The house is clean, dinner is cooked and our daughter is well behaved. There's got to be something that I'm doing wrong. I just don't know what. For our anniversary, I didn't even get a card. Of course he didn't have the courtesy to say "Happy Anniversary."<p>

Princess,<p>Assuming the correctness of everything you report your husband is definitely in denial. By that I mean that as a minister it is of utmost importance that he be practicing what he must surely be telling others to do.<br>For him to be engaging in such an obvious error in the way he treats you (see the 5th chapter of Ephesians) while treating others good is a state of denial.<br>Remember in the old testament when David had Bathsheba's husband killed so that he could have her. When the prophet Nathan described this deed to David without mentioning the name of the perpetrator David wanted to know who it was so that he could be punished. Nathan said, "You are the man".<br>Tell your husband to read that.

Princess: I can somewhat relate to your post even though I've been married for 21 years. My husband has never been real affectionate or interested in sex. We were both raised in a cult type religion that claims to be Christian. However, five years ago we started researching and discovered the "truth" about this cult. Since then, my husband has become such a strong Christian and is so wonderful to other people, and he hopes to one day attend theology school. However, since we became Christians he has lost ALL interest in sex. Totally. I've asked him if for some reason he thinks sex is somehow wrong, and he insists "no". But, I can't connect his total disinterest in sex to anything else. It's so confusing. Like Bruce said, he simply can't see the way he treats me is totally contradictory to what the Bible says. I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm clueless. Lisa

Princess,<p>If I've learned anything from this forum, it's knowing that there has to be communication between husband and wife. You should make your feelings known and how much it is affecting you. Sex between two people who love each other is something very special and should not be seen as something dirty. Even in the eyes of God it's supposed to be shared. As with anything in a marriage sex should be a giving as well as taking experience. It seems to me that he has a real identity problem as far as his sexual nature. If he loves you he will listen to what you have to say and endeavor to make some changes. You surely can't continue to ignor your needs simply because he has problems of his own that he can't or won't face. You didn't mention your appearance although that shouldn't be an issue,since you are recently married and can't have changed that much. Even as a minister, he should devote an equal aount of time taking care of you as he does his paritioners. Talk to him, make him listen, because to continue to avoid the issue will only lead to more severe problem. <p>Good Luck,<p>John

Hi Princess,<p> I read one of your posts in another thread and had to look up this one that you started.<p> He's the minister of a church you say!?<p>I am a member of a group of men from our church that meet once a week for breakfast. Our latest topic for discussions is "Christian Marriages". Quite frankly, I was a little surprised at just how much sex is discussed in the Bible. (That is, sex between married people!) Sex that God designed, and intened for us to enjoy.<p> (There's a book called "Intended for Pleasure" written by a Christian couple that gets into some VERY explicit stuff. Forgot the author, sorry!)<p> We've been reading 2nd Corinthians 7 - check that out. (You probably already have.) It gets into a husband "sharing ownership" of his body (goody for you!) and a wife sharing ownership of her body. This is God's word we're talkin' here, certainly it should carry some weight with your H.<p> Also check out Song of Solomon, especially chapter 7. Hot stuff!<p> I can see that he might feel that he's giving all of his time and love for God, but YOU need to come before his job, even if his job is being a minister. (Maybe he's confusing his personal walk with God with his job.)<p> I enjoyed your other posts, and it sounds like you're doing your part. <p> Have you tried talking to other ministers, or possibly their wives? Maybe they'll have some advice, or at least comiserate with you,<p>Val<br>(The Husband)

Princess, This sounds all too familiar. My sister's husband is a minister and also has had problems with spending time with or being kind to her or their kids. It was so hard to hear my nephew ask me, while watching his Daddy hug people as they came out of church, "Why is Daddy so nice to everyone but us?" Out of the mouth of babes!

Princess:<p>Have you read Dr. Harley's book "Lovebusters"? There is a section which surely was written for you and your husband. Chap. 8, "Resolving Conflicts Over Career Choices"; pg 131-134, "What If God's Calling Is The Issue?"<p>The wife in this case had difficulty adjusting to the 'life-in-a-fishbowl' of being the 'preacher's wife'. And her hubby took his commitment to his flock so far that he neglected his primary commitment, his wife.<br>Does this sound familiar?.....<p>Hope you can get the book and read it for yourself. Good luck!

Princess,<p> Another thought (OH NO!)<p> At our church, a man can't be an elder unless he is a good husband and father. (Actually, that's spelled out in the Bible someplace.)<p> As 2 Corinthians 7 says, husband and wife coming together is to prevent them from being "tempted" by sex outside of marriage. He's really disobeying God's word by failing to be a loving passionate husband.<p> In a more sinister note - not that you'd want to torpedo his career - but it would look very bad for him if his poor, neglected wife had to talk to other clergy (or psychiatrists) for counselling because of marital problems. Bad yes, but (and I'm not suggesting you would even think of this) what if this went on for years, you got really vulnerable and fell into an affair? Would THAT speak highly of you husband to his congregation, etc.<p>(Again, not that I'm saying you'd ever do this!) But Men (and women) of God need to realize that Satan is the deceiver and will do whatever he can to trip up those who spread the gospel. After all, people who win souls for Jesus are Satan's enemy!<p>Sorry for the "fire & brimstone".<p>(Just thinking out loud...)<br>Val (The Husband)<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 12-10-98).]

V--<p>Good stuff! You can find guidelines in First Timothy. <p>Actually, I did sort of "throw the book" at him and gave him not only 1 Corinthians 7 but Ephesians 4 which also spells out the relationship between husband and wife (boy did he get mad!)<p>I also did speak with another minister in our church about the situation and I have no doubt that it got back to him. Still, no avail. Thanks so much for yur help and your advice.<p>I've decided that I was going to hold on no matter what because Satan knows my situation and is sending out his generals to attack me. Just yesterday I had a rather delicious looking man approach me. I am very aware of the tricks of the enemy and even though this man looked like he should have been on the menu at Red Lobster, I didn't go there. And I don't intend to. <p>This thing can only be worked out through prayer and fasting. So that's what I'm going to continue to do until a change comes (or he does!)I just couldn't resist putting that in!

Watch out for the menus! Val had a very legitimate point when he said that people with absolutely no intentions and all of the faith in the world can be tempted into an affair. You are in a very vulnerable needy position, and it is possible that this other man can sense it. (Some guys have radars for that, and will do anything they can to take advantage of your bad situation.)<p>Try to keep strong, and drop books other than the Bible onto his desk. I would recommend HN/HN by Harley. <p>Did ya'll have a sexual relationship prior to marriage? If so, he could be feeling guilt over this. Also, if so, was he more responsive then than now during love-making, or if not, was he responsive during the normal "necking" that couples should definately be engaged in? You say you have a daughter and have only been married a little over a year. Was this pregnancy planned? What was his reaction to this? <p>Some fo those answers could help give clues to his behaviorisms.<p>Don't eat at Red Lobster!!<p>Maria

Maria--<p>Believe it or not, the farthest we went prior to marriage was a peck on the lips. My daughter is from a previous relationship (no, I have not been saved all my life).<p>I really don't understand what the problem is because it was very hard for the both of us to stay "chaste" before we got married. I mean we never came close but the tension was definitely there. As far as this other man is concerned, I think you're right about the radar because he knows absolutely nothing about me but he does know that I am married. I'm not going to run from him but I'm not going to run to him either. The best thing to do in this situation is keep my distance. i definitely don't want to give Satan a chance to slip in.<p>I would love to give my H another book besides the Bible. The problem is, if it is not the Bible he will not read it. He doesn't believe in "self help" books. He says that everything that we need to know is in the Bible (which in most aspects is true).<p>

Princess:<p>Wish I could ask your hubby this myself, but maybe you can for me. I also think the answers are in the Bible. But when he was in seminary, did he have other texts? Did he read commentaries and analysis from learned scholars and theologans? Of course! Why? Because there're extremely helpful in learning and interpreting Biblical truths, and applying them to our lives! Gee, if none of us needed help applying Biblical truths to our lives, your hubby would be out of a job!<p>I don't think this about all 'self-help' books, but IMHO, Dr. Harley's books and concepts are Bible-based and very Christian, without being overpoweringly religious or moralistic.<p>To Rev. "Prince": For your own marriage, as well as the marriages in your congregation, you could do worse than read Dr. Harley's 'Lovebusters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs'. Bet ya can get some good sermon topics. too!

Princess, I think your husband has some serious sexual hang-ups. He needs sexual counseling and that might take care of the need for marital counseling!!<p>I am not trying to be derogatory about you, because I was certainly sexually active prior to marriage as was my husband, so please do not take these comments as such. I would find 'sexual tension' hard to read if a peck on the lips were all that we engaged in! There is a huge gap between merely remaining chaste and no smooching!<p>Since you are more sexually educated than your husband (sorry if that is a wrong assumption), didn't you think there was something wrong with a man who did not display an open and active desire to kiss or touch you or even to 'worship your body' as God intended?<p>And I reiterate, run away from this other man. Do not stand there, because he will find his way to you. You are very needy and vulnerable, and a man who will take care of those needs will look extermely good to you! As one of the case histories in HN/HN says, a woman was literally hugged into an affair because of her need for any type of affection.<p>I am afraid that since you say you will not run from this OM, then you are already saying sub-conciously that you welcome the way that he has already made you feel. The deepest part of our minds is almost uncontrollable according to Freud (id, ego, super-ego). This man has already found a hole in your defenses (which are shaky), and by not running from him, you are just widening the gate for him to slip in.<p>I wish you luck. because I really do not think your husband would go for any type of therapy, sexual or otherwise. I probably do not sound very hopeful for any of your woes; I am sorry for that.<p>Maria<br>