Okay, this is where I am right now. I WANT and NEED to take my life back, but I'm having trouble with this.<P>It's like two people live inside my head. The one who knows it's time to take back my life and the one who wants to get my old life back. And they are at odds with each other.......<P>Pre-affair I was happy and confident with my lot in life, I had a strong(?) marriage to my high school sweetheart, I had a happy family, I was a good daughter, I was a sister that could be counted on, had a good job that I felt onfident in, I had a circle of good friends. And although, I know no one can go back, I MISS THAT!!!! I MISS WHO I WAS!!!!<P>Since discovery, I have a shaky marriage, my kids are unsure of what will happen, I still try to do the daughter thing with aging parents (but sometimes I resent it), I have cut myself off from my sibling because 1 brother and my sister have been on the cheating side and the other brother has been cheated on, and the end results are terrifying to witness (because this too could be me!)I am now in a job position I hate,and my circle of friends contain so many "happy couples" I have very limited contact with them..........<P>I want to take my life back!! I want to be confident in my marriage (but the shadow of doubt will never go away now). I want my kids to know that their home life is secure (But I'm not secure so how can I reassure them?) I want to spend time with my parents, like I used to (without worrying what my H is up to while I'm there)I want to be close to my siblings again. I want a job I enjoy! And I want to feel I can be myself around my friends.<P>And I think, None of these people have changed, I HAVE!!!! I'm unhappy, and need to discover what will make me happy and just DO IT!!!<BR>(Finished ranting for today!)

Doubled up.... Sorry<p>[This message has been edited by Rutger (edited September 01, 1999).]

I think of the same things... I thought We had the perfect life before... Obviously it was only perfect to me. So knowing that now, I could never go back nor do I want it back. I am slowly seeing some growth in me, I am slowly figuring out who I really am going to be. I don't think I can change WHO I am just HOW I am. Be it with the W or some other lucky Girl I will be the best darn H anyone would want. Then again I thought I already was....... Confusing isn't it.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hi Once Happy,<BR> You have really said alot of what I have felt through this whole thing....in one fell swoop I have gone from a very outgoing, funloving, confident person to a introverted, shaky , doubting everything person.....I feel like my whole personality has changed. I was the eternal optimist but now feel hesitant and sad......I too want ME back. I was starting to feel better but today has been a bad one....we have moved to start fresh and I found letters to OW about "her being the best gift to my H", this was written when we were moving,it was never sent or at least this draft wasn't...I'm back at the beginning again.He's apologized but it just sits there in my throat.....Lu

Strange how your entire world can be affected by these things. I know the feeling! This quote comes to mind:<P>The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. Charles Dubois<P>My once "stable" world was shattered (more than once). I have decided to create a "new reality" Sometimes we hold on to what we are comfortable with because...we're comfortable with it. However, if we change our perspective, we can find our greatness. Many of the success stories we read about on this forum are a result of taking the blinders off and "creating" something NEW and more wonderful. You are changed...use this opportunity to create something new and more wonderful than before! Good Luck and God Bless!<p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited September 01, 1999).]

Yes, moving outside the comfort zone.....<P>It's frightening.<P>I guess, if I'm feeling this way, I'm starting to get my balance back. I'm searching for who I want to be, and then I guess I'm become her.....but just as we look back at our childhood, and yearn for a simpler time, I look back at my marriage and long for the feeling of security I had....<P>Chin up!