I read your post to my ex husband.<BR>It is interesting to read your lines.<BR>I have never heard anyone explain things and hit me on so many levels. (except of coarse my ex today) <BR>When i look back at our entire relationship i see where i started to feel like his maid and the "carry" for his child as opposed to his wife. I se where certain actions assisted my beliefs that i wasn't important to him and that whether i was there or not at the end of the day didn't matter to him. Why because you can always find someone else to put in that position.<BR>WHERE DID I FAIL?<BR>I failed him and my vows because i should of expressed these thought instead of running with them. I should of said i know we talked before but i really need you to listen. I manifested the feelings and they grew every year. Until i finally felt he didn't even love me. To the point where, after things started with divorce proceedings i couldn't even accept his love and i literally riped him apart because i wanted to hurt him. It's not easy to admit these things by far, because i feel i failed him. I'm not a mean individual but i can't believe some of the nasty things i said to him. Heck, I'm surprised he even talks or spends time with me. People always tell me that i communicate very strongly. But i failed in communicating with him as my best friend and lover I let our marriage crumble. We started out supporting each other (he owns his own business) and going on road trips. I would give anything to erase this past year but i can't. <BR>He admits that there are things he would do differently. He says that he never thought our relationship was falling apart even when i told him it was and to goto counselling with me.<BR>But you can't change the past.<BR>I can't even blame him if he walks on me today.<BR>But it was nice reading your post because it was very well rounded. -fair<BR>Sometimes an outside point is better then people of have gone threw it because their view is tainted.<BR>I'll tell you one thing i'm not so quick to judge because i'm only human myself.<P>

rtn2,<P>Thank you.<P>I have learned in the last several months that there is more than one way to look at any given situation, not to justify it, but to understand it from a different perspective. That is often very difficult as I have always been one to look at things for only how they affect me.<P>I've also learned that the past cannot be changed, but it can be accepted, (what choice do we have?), and the future cannot be predicted. All we have left is to do the very best with what we have now, learn from the past, and look towards the future with hope.<P>No one can honestly say what the future will hold for them with regards to their spouse, regardless if they are happily married or recently divorced.<P>Only time will tell.<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Can i ask then where did you achieve this type of thought process?<BR>It seems as though people could benefit from it.<BR>Books?<BR>self-actualization?

rtn2,<P>I would give all the credit to God. For the last 10 weeks, I have been praying for guidance and wisdom in my life. I have accepted my situation for what it is and decided to make myself a better person because of it. I didn't just wake up one morning with a whole new way of looking at things, but I have been and am still eager to learn as much as possible.<P>First, He humbled me, and in a big way. The Bible teaches everything that one needs to know in order to be a better person in life. Even if one isn't interested in walking through life as a Christian, reading portions of the Bible will make them a better person. There are no contradictions in the Bible, and you can't argue with what it says with regards to humanity and how to treat your fellow man. Lack of judgment towards others allows you to see what their side of the situation may be, instead of only selfishly thinking of yourself and assuming that you are a better person than them. Forgiveness allows you to accept what has happened for what it is, and move on with life without bitterness, resenment, and hatred. Understanding that none of us are even close to perfect allows you to understand that we all make mistakes and suffer from poor judgment in life's decisions. Understanding what love actually is allows you to truly love another person, regardless of their faults, and without only thinking of self-gratification.<P>Through the amount of time that we've been separated, I've learned patience, independance, and appreciation. I've also had ample time to inwardly reflect on who I am as a person, and to realize that I too have many faults. Tough love from above. <P>The wisdom has also come from the many books and websites that I've poured through. I'm always searching for additional knowledge on what a relationship is made of, how to keep it together, and how to fix it. These things almost need to be learned in this order, and I am only now getting to the fix it stage. Had I jumped right to how to fix it, and believe me 3 months ago I would have elected to, I would have been lacking the fundamental knowledge of what makes it work and how to keep it together, and any results would have been short lived. Understanding what a spouse desires from a relationship is also critical in understanding how to fix it, if you don't know why it failed, then where do you start? <P>I've accepted that things happen in life for a reason, and we must accept the fact that we cannot change what has happened. <BR>Often we are given an opportunity to learn from our present situation, if we are only willing to accept it and go forward. In a marital crisis, the lesson is that a marriage is a very fragile creation that must be properly nourished in order to survive. We may have been given a wake up call in life that it is time to learn what we have done wrong up to this point and change. If we allow our emotions to become forever stuck at the point of discovery, then the marriage is doomed. Ome might ask themselves, "Okay, this isn't what I expected in our marriage. What role did I play in getting us to this point and how will I change for the better?" Self-realization and self-critisism is a very difficult concept and process to embark upon. It's much easier to find fault in others rather than admit to yourself that you are less than perfect, and may share a large portion of the responsibility for the events that ultimately led to your own unhappiness.<P>While writing this, I formulated another question that I have never before seen asked of a wounded spouse: "If we could go back in time, before the point of discovery, were you happy with your marriage? Were you actively thinking of pursuing a divorce from you spouse?" If not, then the marriage is worth saving. If a broken promise or a broken vow prevents you from staying together, then you never actually loved this person. True love is patient, unconditional, and forgiving. It is an attitude that says that you are willing to accept what has happened, learn from it, forgive them for the ways that they have hurt you, accept responsibility for your failures, and move forward with a different attitude towards growth in life.<P>Many people are stuck in the denial and self pity stage, and wrongly assume that they are a better person than their spouse. They sometimes fail to realize that they have never been in the exact same situation and can only guess at how they would respond. I will often listen to people talk about how they would never such a thing, but I will never give them any merit for their assumptions as it is impossible to judge how they would react, it's easy to justify yourself if you know that you will never be put to the test.<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Still Praying,<P>So well said.<P>-------------------------<BR>"The wisdom has also come from the many books and websites that I've poured through. I'm always searching for additional knowledge on what a relationship is made of, how to keep it together, and how to fix it. These things almost need to be learned in this order, and I am only now getting to the fix it stage. Had I jumped right to how to fix it, and believe me 3 months ago I would have elected to, I would have been lacking the fundamental knowledge of what makes it work and how to keep it together, and any results would have been short lived. Understanding what a spouse desires from a relationship is also critical in understanding how to fix it, if you don't know why it failed, then where do you start?" <BR>-------------------------------------------<P>I agree whole-heartedly. My wife and I have been separated for 7 months now and only very recently have I felt like I was "ready" for her to return (if she decides to come back). Like you I have spent this time doing a great amount of soul-searching and re-kindling my relationship with God. Being raised a Catholic, I was always taught to pray, but only recently have I truly learned to "talk" with God. Where before I used to simply say prayers, now I talk, ask questions and listen. And I am amazed at the replies I get.<P>I also agree about the bible. While I find it difficult to sit down and read it cover to cover, I do sometimes pick it up and read from where-ever I open it. And I have several books that take the teachings from the bible and expand upon them in a way where it is easy to see how they apply today.<P>People are amazed at how I hold no anger towards my wife. They all ask "how" I do it? I tell them that the day she walked out, I began praying and asking God to remove all the anger from my mind. After all it was not what was in my heart - the only thing there was love for my wife. The anger was only a mask hiding my fear of losing her.<P>I apologize for going on about myself here. It is just that looking back, it amazes me how much my relationship with God has been strengthened and how that relationship has been the one thing that is enabling me to wake up each day and live my life.<P>Finally, a simple exercise you may want to try. I learned it from reading an interesting book - "Conversations With God". While I did not agree with everything in the book, I did find the following facinating: <P>I began by asking one question - <BR>"God are you there". <P>I waited and asked again. <P>Then I heard (not out loud ) a reply:<P>"Yes I am". <P>That started a bunch of questions, each time I got a response. I asked whether it was really Him or just my mind? He said "what was the difference?". And on and on until I was mentally exhausted. But strangely enough, I felt emotionally filled. I felt stronger, knowing that I did in fact have someone in my life who loved me and always would.<P>OK by now you all think I am nuts All I can say is "try it" - If nothing else, it really makes you think. And you may get some answers that you have been looking for.<P>Who knows?!

It's a great thing.<BR>I guess realizing such an event can take place in your life and knowing that god is there to help you.<BR>I agree because years ago i was having a tuff time and i went to church with my aunt and she prayed for me and i prayed and months later everything worked out as i hoped it would. But all along i felt okay. <P>I don't know why i didn't reach out this time.<P>STILL PRAYING<BR>your comment if you could go back in time, to the point of discovery, to a time where we were happy, did i want a divorce. The answer would be no. <BR>Your next line is that the marriage is worth saving. That hit me so directly because even with everything Rick and I have been through, we still always spent time together and wanted and felt for each other as difficult as that or these times are or might of been.<P>I'm proud of him because he has grown and expresses himself so clearly to me now and i treasure every momment with him. Infact your lines are words he spoke, to a degree, a couple weeks ago to me.<P>I hurt him alot, and he still wants me. I feel very lucky to have him, and feel his love as i have never felt it before.<BR>Thank you!