My husband wrote to you Feb 97. We are both christians. We also have a 5 yr old son. We both come from totally different backgrounds.Everyone in his family has been divorced at least once and in mine <br>no one has been.Needless to say there are different views of marriage.He has done so many things that have made me distrust him. This in return has made me bitter, controlling, manipulative and judgemental.I do love him dearly. We just bought a new house and went from a 900 mortgage to a 1700 one.I was so excited about our new house and thought he was too.Lived in the house 10 days and he left a note saying he wanted a divorce. This is the 3rd time he has left this way but not to this extent w/out talking things through.I have my degree in elem. ed. and have stayed home w/ our son since he was born.He's in pre-k.I know I've made so many mistakes in our marriage. I've repented and ask my husband and God for forgiveness.I've been reading books on marriage and have realized how many selfish mistakes I've made.he claims being a good wife just takes good common sense but I disagree. Igave this example. I can cook w/out recipes and it just seems easy-just good common sense but I have friends who can't make a sandwich w/out a cookbook and they still have trouble.Does this mean they don't have good common sense? No, they need HELP & that's what I need when it comes to being a good wife.He says he has given up all hope & wants a divorce.He has always been commited before or at least I thought but now that I;ve told him I'd do what ever it takes to repair the marriage he doesn't care.I know God is helping me deal with the issuues in my life. My husband says it's a big act & won't buy it.I am seeing a christian counselor and he won't consider going.He says he's much happier being single.His whole family is delighted that he left.I just want my husband back but with our issues worked on.This is the saddest & worst thing I've ever been though.I love my family and take pride in being a good mom. I know I went over in that area and neglected being a good wife.I kinow he used to read marriage builders on the internet and even sent them a question.Has he turned his back on me and God?How can I make him realize this isn't an act?How can he be SO commited and then just abandon his family?I need some advice on how to deal with this.I have totally humbled myself and now I feel so violated & hurt.Is this what it feels like to repent & turn your life around?If so it hurts so bad I can't even tell you the depth of my exasperation.Please send advice.

Caroline,<p>Is this what it feels like to repent, all this pain? Well, you know what happened to the prodigal son.<br>Like yourself I have seen just how bad the mistakes I've made are and have repented to God and my wife. Yet I've fought a constant battle to keep this thing from slipping over the edge.<br>Right now everything seems to be against you, your past, his family, and God knows what else. You feel stripped and naked and like you just missed the last bus. You'll probably pray more than you ever have and will feel like so many of those prayers disappear in thin air. <br>I might be wrong. Some people do experience miracles. I once chatted with a guy, a Christian, whose wife was car jacked, raped and then shot in the head. When he found out he said the first thought he had was to kill himself. Then he said he heard a voice as plain as anything say, "Don't worry about anything, she's with me."<br>He said after that he has never thought of killing himself again, though of course he misses her. I believe what he told me. Now if that guy had been me (I'm one of those people who's never won anything and could never get away with anything)I'd probably have heard the voice, turned in amazement only to find it was coming out of the tv set of the television shop I was standing next to. Yea, I'm a little cynical.<br>I hope you're one of the people that gets a miracle soon. But if not remember that there are a mass of people, like me, who always seem to have to slog their way through swamp to apprehend the simplest of truths. So if your miracle doesn't come soon just remember you've got plenty of company, those of us who, for whatever reasons are drawn to life's meat grinders like moths are to street lights.<br>Like you said the pain can get really bad here in the non-miracle crowd. But there are some things to be learned here, too. Like how to crash and burn before you even know what's going on. No...just kidding.<br>Just hang out here for a while if you like. After a time you'll pick up some survival skills and, though you can't see it right now, you might even be telling us about how your husband came home.

Caroline, what were some of your love busters? How are you trying to deal with those and demonstrating to your husband your efforts?<p>I would suspect that your husband has not turned his back on God. It is my belief that God does not turn his back on us when we find ourselves in bad situations. If your husband truly believed that the only way to save his own sanity/soul/inner spirit (and possibly to knock you into a sense of reality about your personal love busters) was to leave, then God will not fault him for his decision. Of all the things God blessed us wtih that separate us from lesser creatures, it is free will.<p>IF my husband and I had separated, then knocking him in the head about his lack of commitment to God is not going to bring him back to me. Instead his defense mechanisms will drive him farther away.<p>My advice is to give him some time and space. The holidays are a tremendously tension and sentiment filled time, and the loss of his child at this point may fill him with the deisre to come home. If he wants to return and you are still bombarding him with guilt without trying to address your marital problems in a respectful and non-judgmental manner, then he will not want to stay.<p>Good luck!<p>Maria<p>An afterthought -- he may also be under huge amounts of stress from such a jump in household expenditures. That was a big increase in house payment! Men sometimes have a huge amount of worry over being able to provide for their families.

Maria,<br>I don't think he was stressed about money. I may be wrong but the same day he left he went and bought a 98 eddie bower expedition. I think he was stressed about our marriage but again, I could be wrong.Have any other advice?

Sometimes people think they can buy happiness. "If I buy this great sweater, I will look like a million bucks, and so I will feel like that too." Doesn't work.<p>Status symbols are only that. Can never, never, never fulfill our needs for love and kindness. But people constantly try to buy happiness and love from others. <p>Look at all of this crass commercialism going on this month. And engagement rings!! "Two months salary" for a diamond ring that is nothing but a symbol. I will get off this money soapbox now!!!<p>And the money aspect was an afterthought, remember? What about the reasons why he left? What were they, and how are you working on those?<p>Keep up your faith, even if you feel alone. Personal faith has kept many peoples heads above water. But do not denigate others for your perceptions of their non-faith.

I just wanted you to know that your post really opened my eyes to some things going on in my situation. I can completely relate to the jump in mortgage, we went from $800 to $1600 in August. Also, our 5 month old baby got out of the hospital on July 23, after 24 days in NICU. My H. is starting a new business, and has NO money coming in for 3 months now. So, I look at all these "changes" and try to realize the added stress. <p>My H. has done so many things wrong, and all trust is gone. Many people have wondered why i didn't leave long ago. We have gotten into several arguments, over things he has lied about, and money he has spent, only to have him tell me that he wants a divorce, and I BEG him not to leave.<p>All this time, I have felt like he had no right to be mad at me, because he was so wrong, and I was so "perfect". <p>This last time he decided to leave, get a divorce, etc. I did not ask him to stay. I even changed our answering machine to say that he no longer lived here. I think it really made him realize that he needed to "be careful what he wished for". He came home and told me that he wanted our marriage to work. This was a major step for him.<p>Your message made me realize that I have been very judgemental, bitter, etc. And, that no matter what he has done, I need to quit thinking that I am so "perfect" and quit looking down on him.<p> I really think that the money has put lots of pressure on your husband. I have the same car that he bought, and lately I have been bitter at the thought that I might have to sell it. Sometimes we get pretty selfish about having to give up things that we think we "deserve". (I am talking about your H. and me being the selfish ones)<p>I really think that your husband will realize that he is being irresponsible right now. Sometimes I think we want to escape responsibility temporarily, because we get so overwhelmed. <p>I pray that your husband comes to his senses, and will be committed to working on your marriage.<p>I want to thank you for your post, it really has made me "walk around myself". You have really helped me, and I wish you all the best.