Frist the background: married for 11 years now, have 2 children, daughter 7 yo and a son 15 yo (step-son). In Feb I finally had proof that my wife was cheating on me. She had been for about 2 years. The adultry stopped immediatly, I agreed to stay, got on anti-deps, aranged for counseling and found this site. We went to 4 counseling sessions and stopped because we always ended up at each others throats. I followed the advice of this site and looked to the infidelity group for support. After about 2 months, my wife asked me to stop coming here and turn to her with my frustrations and when I felt angry. No one knows of the afair but those involved (his wife as well) and my son.<P>It has now been 7 months since D-day. The stress of discovery caused a condition called scytso ferim (sp?) which is temporary but is punctuated by psycotic episodes (I'm on the verge of one now) basicly being outburst of anger. But my problem is, I want out. I do not trust her and probably never will again. I have heard so many times "once a cheat - always a cheat" and that trust is like verginity: cone it is gone it's gone for good. <P>We have been keeping ourselves busy all the time and there never seems to be a time to tell her that wouldn't cause a catastrophic disaster not only to ourselves but to others as well. Financialy it would kill us both. There is no way she or I could keep the house and due a drop in the local economy, we owe more on it than we could sell it for. I'm afraid to think of what looseing another dad will do to my son even though when he found out he told me I should leave her and that he would understand. He told me I would always be Dad no matter if I was married to his mom or not. But what do I tell my daughter? She would most likely stay with me. When do I tell her what happened or do I ever?<P>Do I go ahead and ask for a seperation now even though we are commited to catering a group of 75 people this weekend? Or do I shove a stake through my heart, kill off all emotions and stay here for the love of my childern? Please help me. The dicision to leave was made about a month ago but I could still be talked out of it this time.

You have one up on must of us as your wife stopped the affair. This is very positive and now you must begin to work on the resentment you have towards your wife for having the affair and violating your trust!<P>I find that pray for the person I resent helps me move forward in a positive direction. Continue in counseling and continue on the medication. Pray for strenght and pray for your wife to have everything you ever wanted.<P>I will say a prayer for you Joe!

I would let her know how you are feeling if possible w/o anger. I don't think stuffing your emotions is going to do any good for you or your children. <P>Maybe an in=house separation? You could still be involved w/your kids and it would give you time to decide if you truly want to end the marriage.

Joe in Tx,<P>I am sorry you are back. I do remember posting to you. I recall that you and W were doing better. Has something changed to bring about this decision?<P>I do think that honesty is the best policy here. Have you told your W how you feel and why. It has been 7 months and it seems to take longer than that for the trust to come back. So it isn't surprising that you still feel this way.<P>If my memory serves me, wasn't it your best friend that got together with your W? If so I do recall that you forgave him. Is there something that your W is doing that is causing you to not trust her more? Is she not working on the marriage? Do you think she wants to keep the marriage?<P>If the answer to the last question is yes, I think she should rethink her request that you not come here. In fact, maybe she should think about coming here.<P>Sorry, I don't have any real advice, until I am sure I am remembering the correct series of events, but I would definitely talk with her about your feelings. You want her to be honest with you, you need to be honest with her.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Joe...<P>I also am sorry to see you are back...but, hey--welcome back anyway. <P>So, how long have you been feeling like this? What changed?<P>Trust does take a while to come back, but it can. Have you two thought about giving the Harley's counseling service here a try? I think you might find it more effective...<P>Kathi, your friendly fellow-Texan!

My 2 cents worth<P>My H cheated on me with my best friend, too. I didn't forgive her or him, although I tried to "forgive" him. I lost all trust in him and always wondered when it'll happen again. Well, it took him less than a year to find another. That doesn't mean that "they" are all like this. I've heard of many couples who ended up being faithful afterwards. But it has to come from both parties.<P>My suggestion is to write your W a letter to tell her your feelings and your concerns. This way you can "say" what you want and not get on each others throats. It might also help to see separate counsellors (maybe within the same counselling practise).<P>As to what to say to your daughter - I told my six year old that "Daddy feels that he's happier when he doesn't live with me any more, but you can always go and visit him or call him if you want to speak to him." Don't tell her that you W cheated, she doesn't need to know that right now. I also never said that "Daddy doesn't love Mommy any more".<P>Hope it helps a little.

Hi Joe,<P>Divorce is such a big step. Please don't take it unless every effort has been exhausted. What you are feeling right now is just a blip in time - but divorce is final (usually anyways). If you make a move based on your FEELINGS right now, isn't that kinda the same thing wayward spouses do when they have an affair? Don't act on feelings! Act on logic, be well-thought out and try damn near to everything on God's green earth before taking the divorce bungi jump. As a female, I think that if she's asking you to come to her with your feelings, that is A BIG THING. That's what we (us women, maybe men to - I don't know) all want, not to be closed out of what's going on inside our spouse's head. That is an incredibly open minded way for your wife to be and I think very positive. If she was going to continue sneaking around, she wouldn't give a hoot how you feel. ASK anyone here how much their STBX's care what they think. Don't jump. Think and if need be, get something from the doc to help you thru it. It does take time. I wish I'd gotten half that response from my H.<P>I think her request for you not to be here is because it gives her the feeling you are sharing personal things with strangers, and she may want you to share with only her so that somehow you'll regain your friendship back. Try it. See if she handles your issues with care, or neglect. That will actually be a good way for you to find out if you can trust her again.<P>God bless,<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Joe...<P>If you 'drive a stake through your heart and kill all your emotions"...then you will never be able to reconnect with your wife again. And you would be of no use to your kids either.<P>I know that is a "protect-mode"...but it is not the choice you want to make.<P>Look for another route, friend.

Well. I need to apologize now. I'm so very sorry to lay all this on you. I get one of these "fits" every 2 or 3 weeks and they are getting much less frequent. I tend to do, say and feel things that are NOT normal. I'll be glad when it finally goes away because I'm getting tired of apologizing afterwards. <P>Thank you so much for your support. Again, I am sorry to have blown up in front of you like that. We are actually doing very well and enjoying each other and and family so much. I hate it when these things kick in, but they only last 4 hours or so but there are half-truths and out right lies that I truly believe at the time. We didn't stop counseling after 4 sessions, we just changed counselors. My son is a starting player in the same position I had in HS footbal, my daughter is reading at a 5th grade level (she's 7 yo), I'm up for an exec position at work and my wife will take a new job at the first of the year that pays less but is more in line with what she wants to do. Life is probaly better than it ever has been. I wish I cold stop these episodes and they will go away completely in time. But patience was never one of vitures . <P>Again, thank you. Maybe this will be the last time I have to say "I'm sorry."

Joe in TX,<P>Don't need to apologize. This place is to vent, let off some steam, and yes even handle your situation. Come again and talk any time. <P>I am glad to hear that things are really doing well at your house. Very very glad.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL, Kathi,<P>I'm flatered you remember me. Yes, you remembered correctly, the OM was my best friend. He still calls me ocasionaly for advice with his marriage. I don't think I'm the best person for him to turn to but he wants to know what his wife is going through and what he can do to help her. They have yet to go to counseling but they have talked to my counselor a few times. (My counselor was a family friend from before and OM and his W know her) The whole thing would make a great Greek tragedy. <P>Anyway ... I hate these psycotic episodes. I have to go back and say "sorry, I'm mentally ill, it'll get better" because I know what I used to think about people like that. I'm flippin' nuts and it's a sign of weakness . Probably a guy thing but that's the way God wired us; never show weakness. <P>The last time I went through one of these I beat the refiedgerator in the garage to a pulp. I caved in the door to the point that it would not seal any more. I didn't break any bones but I couldn't put my hands in my pockets for a week. That was about a month and a half ago so they are getting much less frequent. It used to be weekly. I can feel them when they start; I get nervious for no reason, my heart and breath rate increase and when I start to sweat it has finally taken control of me. When it goes away it jsut "pops" and is gone. I stand there thinking "what am I doing?!?!" ... very frustrating. It breaks my W's heart when she sees it so I try to hide it from her. Funny, huh? I get consumed with rage over what my W has done but I will never, ever focus it on her.<P>OK, now I'm rambling. Thanks for the shoulder.<P>Joe<p>[This message has been edited by Joe in TX (edited October 05, 2000).]

Joe...<P>Do feel free to vent anytime. Sometimes feelings do overwhelm us...they have to come out somewhere, but if these episodes are becoming less frequent and milder, it does sound like things are healing.<P>Glad to hear things are going better!<P>Kathi<P>