<BR>I'm feeling 'stuck' in a miserable marriage because of his threats to get full custody of our children.<P>He said that because I attempted to commit suicide (yes things have been THAT bad) that I don't stand a chance of getting custody.<P>Is this true?<P>I guess I could probably live through anything in order to stay with my kids. =/<BR>

Hi TLC,<P>depends on what you mean by miserable, ie, if it was abusive, then he can't get full custody of the children.<P>if you are suicidal, i hope you can seek help for that.<P>if you are in such a state, it would be really hard for you to look after the kids. Unless being alone would solve your suicidal problems then you have a chance at the kids - but first , can you cope if you have to look after the kids alone?<P>Please sit down and write down what is really happening in the marriage, your spouse, yourself. You will definitely need help and support for the depression and sense of hopelessness you are now in.<P>Take care<BR>weep<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited October 05, 2000).]

How about a little more background, such as how the conversation came up, why are you talking divorce? what is yur H like, is he trying to control you? Are you miserable because you don't know how to communicate? Do you LB or does your H LB? or both?<P>how long have you been married? why did you get married?<P>Fill us in more.<P>

Don't forget that your minister, therapist, or attorney can be a big help in this situation. They can help you find peace of mind spiritually and practically.<P>Frankly, someday I expect What'shisname - the most polite name I use for my x - to try to stage that sort of thing. Only I think he'll wait until the children are older. It freaks me out, honestly. Until it happens, though, I'll just do the best I can and pray.<P>Bear in mind that this could just be a scare tactic. I had a friend who's now x I do believe tried to drive her to suicide. Is he doing this to manipulate you? Be sure you don't give him any ammunition.<BR>

I'm feeling more & more certain that separation is in order.<P>We are both verbally abusive.<P>I have been working hard at changing. I have been in and out of counseling for two years. I feel I have changed for the better.<P>He feels I have changed for the worse. (That I just go in to counseling to whine about what a rotten SOB he is, and don't get help for my own mental problems.)<P>He used to be physically abusive and hasn't been for two years, so I guess I am supposed to be pleased about that. He did spit in my face a month or so back, but when I got irate I was told ''I didn't -touch- you'' so I guess he thinks it doesn't count as abuse.<P>Neither of us has felt appreciated for what we have brought to the relationship. There has been so much negative that the positive is relatively invisible. He feels like he is nothing more to me than a paycheck and I feel I am nothing more to him than a piece of ---.<P>Earlier this year I had an emotional affair with a man I had known before I started dating my husband, who had since moved away and been married. I thought I was in love with the OM and was considering divorce at that time, not necessarily to be with the OM but because he had helped me to see that what I was living with wasn't right, and I WAS worthy of better. I was overflowing with self-esteem for the first time in ages. My husband found out, and told me that the OM was just using me and didn't mean any of the loving things he told me. There went the confidence - poof.<P>After being told by someone else I didn't think I had a reason to distrust that I was saying terrible things to my children that I have NO recollection of saying, feeling out of control and scared of emotionally hurting my own children, I tried to commit suicide by taking a great deal of pills. It didn't work. My husband didn't believe me when I told him what I'd done, and put a bunch of pills in front of me. If you want out so bad, prove it. (Well then ---- you I thought and) I put a handful of pills in my mouth. Well, I ended up involuntarily staying in a mental ward for five days.<P>My husband says that while he was visiting and talking to a therapist there, he was told to get a lawyer, and that I didn't have a chance of getting custody after what I'd done. I've also heard that because I was on Prozac I would have a hard time getting custody. I am so scared of leaving only because I don't want my children to grow up around that kind of emotional abuse... I guess I feel that staying is the only way I can keep them and try to protect them.<P>Also, his parents have money and my family does not, I would be up against his good lawyer with some court appointed who-knows-who. I am so scared of losing my children. I don't know what I'd do without them. I left my office job in 1997 to stay home with them, I would think that should count for something. I just resigned from my work-at-home job because of having so much stress I couldn't perform well, but I could get that back if I had to. It's still only $1200 a month, and I'd need to get a second job. One child is in school but the other is 3 and would need child care. I can't stand the thought of a stranger watching my baby but I would do whatever it takes to give them a better life than mom and dad fighting all the time. My baby saw Daddy spit on Mommy. My older child saw Daddy hit Mommy. Even with all the vows to change, and the counseling, I can't erase how it feels to know this. Some times things are just SO good and I stop thinking about leaving, for a while. Then things are back to 'normal' which is another way of saying 'miserable'.<P>Gee, I wonder why the counselors I keep going to keep telling me I should leave ...

TLC,<P>If you can prove any abuse by your H, he will not be able to get custody of the kids. Any witnesses? Any pictures? Anything. <P>A lot of times, men use this as a scare tactic. Especially abusive men. It's a control thing. <P>Mitzi

[T-L-C<BR>I can understand your fear of loosing your children - I have lost mine to a abusive/controlling ex H. I lived in his control for 8 years because of the threats of him getting custody of our girls and how he would make them hate me forever if I ever followed through with a divorce - he has so far accomplished what he said. I have finally got back into court after a full year of this going on and working with therapist and counselors to try to get my children back in my life. <P>Continue working with therapy and counseling for yourself. If divorce or separation is in my path, besure you get some help before doing so - otherwise you will be like me, without the ones you loved more than anything. <P>Controlling people for someway, know how to work the system in order to get exactly what they want, they don't care what they need to say about who or even what kind of lies they make up.<P>Good luck, prayers and thoughs are with you - got knows I deal with it everyday.<BR>

Hi TLC:<P>I don't know what all your problems are but I will tell you it's not impossible. My sister is manic-depressive and borderline schizzo (she has delusions and was hearing voices, very scary). She is on social security because she can't even work (a little stress sends her over the edge). It is now under the control of medication. She had an abusive and controlling husband who still to this day threatens her in order to control her. However, she does have her daughter and takes care of her just fine. If you do have a mental illness, better to get it under control right now with a doctor so that it can't be used successfully later.<P>The difference is in a GREAT lawyer. When my sister's H began demanding her medical records be opened, they demanded it right back about him (he wasn't exactly clean as snow). If you have any proof of anything, collect it all up. It's hard to do when you're in the tough state of mind, but you have to be driven to win. The more confidence you can show, the better you'll look in court and you may throw him too. Even if the confidence is an act; pretend you are Hillary Clinton (I hate her) or something, I don't know. You have to check around and ask people about lawyers. Don't go out of a phone book. Maybe your therapist can suggest some resources.<P>As far as affording it, how important are your kids? Do you have a retirement fund you can borrow from? I don't have all the answers on this but there has to be a way. My lawyer was a friend of a church friend. He only wanted $750 retainer because of it (which was only luck that I had because of a tax refund). Then he gave me a cut rate and is going after my H for payment.<P>It's not impossible. The key factors are YOUR ATTITUDE and a great lawyer. You have to be, or appear to be, more confident than him. The problem is that he will most likely harass you forever which is where you're going to have to toughen up. I know it's hard, believe me. I felt nothing tough in myself at that point in my life. I was mush. My sister is still mush and let's him push her around. But she was tough at the key points and kept her daughter.<P>Don't give up. Take care.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

<BR>Kathy writes:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The difference is in a GREAT lawyer. When my sister's H began demanding her medical records be opened, they demanded it right back about him (he wasn't exactly clean as snow). If you have any proof of anything, collect it all up. It's hard to do when you're in the tough state of mind, but you have to be driven to win.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Y'know, I think that was a good testment as to why we should have a rebuttable presumption of 50% joint physical custody in every state. It would obviate the need for such (expensive) tactics.<P>Bystander

T-L-C <P>I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. <P>Continue in counseling for yourself..if you have to get your kids in there too, they<BR>are being effected by his abuse to you..<BR>and in court that may help your case..that you seen a need to get your kids help..<P>There are also womens shelters you can go to..take off while your h is at work if you<BR>have to..they are there to help in situations like this..<P>Have the cops ever been called to your house because the fighting? has he been taken away<BR>for hitting you..all those things can work in YOUR favor..<P>Not sure which state you live in..but I know in some that you can call the magistrates office and make an appointment to talk to <BR>one of them..explain the situation..and they may be able to offer assistance..even recommending an atty to work pro-bono..or bill your spouse..they can also start on abuse cases faster if they deem it necessary..and they can order a restraining order for him to stay away from you and the kids..<P>Your school age child..have you talked to the counselors at the school? thats what they are there for..to be there as a support for the kids and give them someone to talk to about things that they feel..it may help you in the long run..call and find out..talk to them..explain your situation and they can talk to the child..I did that last week w/ my kids..contacted the school counselor that they may have someone to talk to about things <BR>going on here..I feel that they are worth it..and their mental health is worth it to me..somethings to think about...