OK, how does one handle a person with an anger management problem? STBX uses anger to manage/manipulate me, or to make me feel like she does, or for some other stupid reason.<P>Anyway, I dropped off 11 yo s after practice, and FIL was babysitting. Had a nice conversation with FIL, asked about his summer, MIL, and suggested some non conventional medicine for his arthritis. I was pleasant, he was pleasant. He asked about my job, etc.<P>Next morning, STBX calls with minor question, I am not awake, I try to understand why she is asking me a simple question, and so to be sure I ask her if this is what she is thinking, as I said I am trying to understand what you are thinking, and she went off on a tirade about how I was telling her what she was thinking, etc. Of course, I don't back down as that is not what I was doing, I apologize, and she is still sore at me during a later phone call, not her happy perky cheerful self. :razz:<P>I surmise it is because I made her look bad in front of my FIL, in otherwords, I should dislike him like she dislikes my dad? Or I should not make cheerful conversation, or something like that.<P>What do I do? I don't know if it was for the "benefit" of my FIL, meaning STBX is making sure FIL knows that I make her very upset, and angry.<P>Even the therapist told her she has an anger management problem. So what do I do? if anything? I am sure it is to protect her, make her right in front of FIL. <P>thanks,<P>thl<BR>

Hi When,<P>Tony has major anger management issues. He gets angry over everything. I just let him yell most of the time...but when he starts to blame me then I step in. <P>Most of Tony's problems are his. It has nothing to do with me. As far as the In-laws I am sure they know her. Tony's family knows what a crabby butt he is. In my situation I could care less what his family thinks because they hate me already. If you want to stay friends with the in-laws then just tell them that you have no ill feelings towards them or your STBX. They will formulate their own oppinions. <P>As far as what made her angry who knows. Maybe her panties got bunched up. Try not to waste time wondering. I find it makes me insane everythime I try to formulate a reason why Tony is raging again. <P>I hoped I helped. Not trying to make it sound trivial. I just found that no matter how much I try to figure out Tony and his anger I find no real reason.<p>[This message has been edited by Pahakissa1 (edited October 05, 2000).]

you don't need to "deal" with her anger..it's her anger..let her feel it and express it..<BR>and you not get mad. she has every right to "get angry" just as you do..it's just how you deal with your own anger that most ppl don't understand..how to express it in such a way <BR>that it doesn't have to "harm" anyone..<BR>but if someone gets 'Hurt" to where they "hurt" on the inside then they have to deal <BR>with their hurt feelings..and why they gave the other person the right to "hurt" thier feelings..

"You sound angry." <P>"I didn't realized that I'd done anything to upset you so. This is not a good time for me to deal with this. Why don't you call me back when we can discuss it more calmly."<P>"I really don't like the tone of voice you're using. I'm going to hang up and call you back in 30 minutes."<P>Or, you could just hang up. <P>I've used all of the above on the x. <P>Some are better than others. Unfortunately, nothing I do defuses him. I don't think I could die to suit him. So, they all make him angry. I got most of them from the therapist. He couldn't figure the jerk out either.<P>It's her anger. She has the legal right to be angry. And you have the right to allow her to be abusive toward you. But, more importantly, you have the right to not allow her to be abusive toward you - especailly in front of the children.

Cinderella,<P>thanks for the suggestions. After mediation, I talked about when and where she can discuss stuff with me. I appreciate the suggestions, and I will use them.<P>thanks,<P>thl

WhenIfindthetime,<P>Wow, today I get to post one of my favorite stories about anger twice (already posted it in reply to bangarra). Here is a copy:<P>I heard a great story about Confucius years ago:<P>----------------------------------------<BR>The story told of a man who setout to challenge Confucius and his beliefs. When the man reached Confucius, he began to ridicule, insult and make fun of Confucius for several days - each day returning with more insults. <P>Confucius said nothing. <P>After a few days of this man's attack, Confucius finally spoke up and said;<P>"Sir, if someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept that gift, to whom does it then belong?" <P>The man was taken off guard by the question and thought for a few minutes. He finally answered, <P>"I guess it belongs to the person making the gift". <P>Confucius said "exactly". He then continued, <BR>"So then if I refuse to take from you your anger and insults, to whom then do they still belong?" <P>The man looked at him speechless and walked away.<P>---<P>I think it may help so many of us if we try to practice that. When our spouses speak cruelly or try to "hurt" us with their words, look past what they are saying. Let them keep their anger. Imagine how your spouse would act if you did that. I have tried it and it has bewildered my wife. She used to try and treat me like *hit, but I wouldn't accept it. Finally she realized that it wouldn't work anymore.<BR>-------------------------------------<P>Try at all costs NOT to return anger with anger - they tend to be the most unproductive and often damaging conversations we have. Keep an even keel - Even to get humorous if possible, I sometimes pretend I am physically dodging daggers that my wife is throwing at me! It actually can bring a smile to my face (caution: I only do this on the phone where she can't see me. I think she would explode if she saw me smiling )<P>It's an old saying but often effective (but so hard to do) "turn the other cheek".<P>Good Luck.....<p>[This message has been edited by SoTired2000 (edited October 06, 2000).]

THL,<P>I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. My EX has a serious anger management problem, and now I'm developing one too. I can't even look at him without wanting to "let him have it". Today he stopped here with OW's son to see our kids unannounced, and without my support. I was furious that he would bring this boy around my house, because to me, thats a slap in the face to my kids who cry at night for him.<P>I noticed today that I have been really angry lately too.<P>If you figure it out (and I know you strive to figure stuff out) be sure to let me know some tactics!<P>Hugs, <BR>Dana<BR>

I started writing out my hurt and anger first..write e-mails and mail them to myself..or write it in my journal..<P>Once you feel free to express how you feel<BR>you can do so without screaming and yelling<BR>at each other..but first you must be able to feel free to express it..knowing that just because your hurt or angry your not going<BR>to lose the love they feel for you..and they <BR>won't lose yours for being hurt or angry..<BR>but you have to feel safe expressining it