Hi there,<P>Been posting a lot on EN forum, but since I already responded to his divorce decree, guess I am more apt to be here. <P>Why is it when the spouse tells you over and over it is over, they want a divorce, etc, and you finally respond to it and they act like you are now out to get them?<P>H has to come up with some sort of reply to my attorney by tomorrow, and so far nothing. I had my attorney send a letter letting him know we were granting his wishes and would he please respond with what direction he wished to move in (collaborative vs litigation). H told me he feels collaboration is a collusion between attorneys to make me have the best interests.<P>As the week has gotten closer to ending he has gotten testier and testier. His little plan of what his life was going to be like is not working out on all fronts. I told him the other day that I hope that one day he figures out what it is he wants out of life. Not necessarily a LB, just a statement when he talked about what was going on in his life.<P>I'm finally coming out of the shell shock, getting on with my life and actually beginning to enjoy life again. It hurts to see him, I still love him, but I am slowly realizing that maybe we are all better off without him.<P>The kids have mediation on Halloween, we are due in court Nov 1st. I have been approved for a loan to buy out the house, and things are going all right. Headed out with a few neighbors and the kids to go motocrossing this weekend, think we ALL need a break. <P>My Dad is coming out to stay for a while for moral support. I have to say that having a supportive family is a wonderful thing, and I feel everyone I've met through MB is a kind of family, too. Thanks everyone!<P>Have a wonderful weekend, I'll be thinking of you all this weekend and sending good thoughts and prayers for you all.<P>Lori

{{{{{{{{{{BANGARRA}}}}}}}}}}<P>This reaction is how my STBX acted also. Its tough to figure out, other than they are still confused, and the fog is causing the D suggestions, and the reality is causing the anger.<P>My STBX had a vision in her life that I would just disappear. That I would just run away, because that is how she was taught to react. and now, her little world is slowly crumbling around her, and under all this I finally figure out what is causing all her problems. <P>But I went straight to mediation, and no one has filed anything legal. But in mediation, she has been unbelievable at times, I ask a question, she says there is hostility here in the room. HUH? I asked a question? The scowl on my face is not hostile, just serious! She threw little fits, mediator had to shut her down. she was always pissed afterwards, except this time, we had to go to our kids schools open house together. <I> some people were a little weirded out to see us regular together, although i am a serious parent who sees more than she can see in our kids, because she does not think about them growing up, but just as elementary school kids who should have fun. </I><P>These people are trying to fit in somewhere in the world, and you were it originally, but something has changed within them, and there is nothing we can do.<P>I think you are feeling that "OK, if this is what you want, then I will agree, and lets start the process." and so did i. and so when the STBX figures out what it is like there may be a realization of what it is not, its just they have to figure out their own life on own.<P>For my STBX, I believe this whole episode is genetically triggered, due to her parents life together, and her family genetics. I thought the things she told me were environmental, and I could fix it with love, time and patience. But also these people are run by feelings first, thinking later. you sound like a thinking person, and I prefer thinking people to reactionary people.<P>Also, after standing back, the person you married is gone, changed beyond realization, but it happened so slowly you didn't notice, until the event. And sometimes it lookds like they stopped growing, and started shrinking. <B> don't take it personally </B><P>So good luck, its a great place here for answers, its a different place, one where people have "moved on" and have gone through the experience, and have a different perspective, and a different set on problems.<P>Not glad you are here for your marriage, glad you are here for yourself.<P>thl

bangarra,<P>I think the reason they react that way is maybe due to them still having some doubts and possibly some hope. They may in fact be testing their spouse to see if that spouse will in fact "give up" on them. <P>It is totally not fair to the spouse (you) who wants to stay in the marriage, but who has been pushed so far by the wayward spouse, they have finally lost the will to keep on trying.<P>Once you agreed with your husband, in his mind, to help rationalize his decision, he may have been thinking "see, I knew she did not love me anymore. I was right". And at the same time he may feel hurt that you don't love him any more. [Not sure if I am making sense here?]<P>Anger is so often actually just a mask to hide the hurt, fear and pain. But if you still love him, make sure you tell him at every turn that you are ONLY going through with this for him. That it is not your desire to be divorced or apart from him. Only that it is plain to see that he has no desire to make any attempts at reconciliation. Make sure he knows that this is HIS mistake he is making all by himself.<P>And when his anger and pettiness comes up, ignore it - don't accept it.<P>I heard a great story about Confucious (spelling?) years ago:<P>----------------------------------------<BR>The story told of a man who set-out to challenge Confucious and his beliefs. When the man reached him, he began to ridicule, insult and make fun of Confucious for several days - each day returning with more insults. <BR>Confucious said nothing. <P>After a few days of this man's attack, Confuscious finally spoke up and said "sir, if someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept that gift, to whom does it then belong?". <P>The man was taken off guard by the question and thought for a few minutes. He finally answered "I guess it belongs to the person making the gift". <P>Confuscious said "exactly". He then continued "so then if I refuse to take from you your anger and insults, to whom then do they still belong?". <P>The man looked at him speechless and walked away.<P>I think it may help so many of us if we try to practice that. When our spouses speak cruely or try to "hurt" us with their words, look past what they are saying. Let them keep their anger. Imagine how your spouse would act if you did that. I have tried it and it has bewildered my wife. She used to try and treat me like *hit, but I wouldn't accept it. Finally she realized that it wouldn't work anymore.<BR>-------------------------------------<P>In any case bangarra, I am so sorry you are going through all this. Keep strong.<P>God Bless.

Dear Lori,<P>Just want you to know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the very best. You sound like you have your head on straight and he's the one that's confused. <P>Stay your course with grace and dignity and do what is best for you and the kids. Let him know that you still love him. It is within his control to stop what is happening if he so chooses. I'm not saying that he will, but it sounds like he's having doubts about whether this is really what he wants.<P>Keep up with Plan A and maintain your strength. Be a woman of character and no matter what happens, you will know you have done your very best.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>Marriage is not built on convenience, success, health, or prosperity. It is a covenant between two people who are loved by God. -Dekruyter