.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 23, 2001).]

If a person hears what he wants others to believe coming from his own mouth, it helps comfort his conscience a little. In essence, he is lying to himself. Makes himself feel better about what he is doing.<P>You should not take lies personally--WS is not trying to hurt you--but trying to justify his actions by not acknowledging the truth, especially to you. Does this make sense?<P>As Scarlet said "I'll think about this tomorrow."<P>Years down the road, the truth will catch up to him, believe me.

I have heard that people who are involved in affairs often times feel too guilty to tell truth when confronted about the matter. Although it sounds ridiculous, I have known of one unfaithful person who refused to admit to her ex about the affair because she was afraid to hurt him! I guess by verbalizing the truth, she had to admit to herself that what she was doing was wrong. I beleive he was hurt more by the lying than by the affair itself. <P>I don't know if that helps any, but as silly as this may sound, your H may be trying to spare your feelings by not telling you the truth about this affair.<P>------------------<BR>JH93

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 23, 2001).]

Hi there,<P>He still lies to me too, and to his mom and everyone else. He denies that Renee is even still in his life (they just went on vacation together in August). It makes sense to me what you all have said, it's guilt. He knows it's wrong and so still denies her. Well, all I can say is that she must not have as much as she thinks because if she was "all that" he'd be showing her off all over town. Instead he hides and denies, and the funny thing is when this is over he thinks everyone will see what a wonderful person she is and accept her. HA!! I can't wait for him to bring her home to mom. His sister said he's not welcome in her home anymore. (My MIL also disinherited him in lieu of my boys like yours did - at least I think, she only hinted it to me but strongly).<P>I just hate lies and want nothing to do with liars. The funny thing is that he really tried to keep her name a secret so later on he could somehow sneak her in without people knowing who she really was. She just recently changed her last name - as if that'll stump everyone? I don't know, it just all seems so childish to me. He won't even TALK to me right now, I imagine also out of guilt.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

It is the conflict between what I want NOW, and the trying to live up to certain expectations they have of whom they should be.<P>Their brains have just short circuited, its like drugs, a fix, an emotional rush like non other. Some people don't want to involve others in their personal pain and tragedy.<BR>The emotional rush is so strong, that they forgo what normal people do for emotional satisfaction. To alot of these people, they did not, still do not, know themselves, what they want out of life, ability to deal with problems rationally, and some of it is genetic, as they age, certain functions stop working as part of the brain becomes in accessible.<P>I have seen it, am witnessing it right now, as MLC shows someone who associative powers of making good decisions is just been given over to something else. The inability to articulate feelings because the F personality overpowers the T part of the personality, that the T part is completely disabled, until either the drug is removed, or the same situation occurs again, and they realize that it is not the OP, but themselves.<P>As a person reaches mid life, the memories of how their family of origin was is clearer, as the memory function has developed enough to give them memories and powers of understanding. As they reach the same age, certain correlations to the past occur, and they react. sometimes they react as if they are repeating their parents view of life and marriage, which may have been going through a difficult time themselves at this age.<P>This has something to do with the personality type of F or T, thinking or feeling, which is the overriding reaction to stress or uncertainty. the more F there is, and the less T, the more likely one is to be susceptible to the drug of feel good now by a similarly selfish person.<P>The world has all kinds of characters, good and bad, honorable and less than honorable. And we do not know the future of any one person, nor sometimes ourselves. But that is the human experience, and that is why MB points to self development, the only person one can control, and one can develop.<P>My STBX is fleeing herself, her inability to communicate, her acceptance of illusions of intimacy, her inabilities to control me through anger. If she were to negotiate, and talk to me in ways that include what she is thinking, I can understand and find a solution. but she can't do that, so as her father did, as soon as it gets hard, she quits, gives up, does not want to fight for anything requiring work, and gets mad at me for whatever. She even said to me during grad school, she understands why someone would sleep with a professor (because that is an easy way to get a passing grade, the real way is work)<P>so it is not about you completely, but it is about how the other person views life, marriage, and themselves. There are ways to figure this stuff out, but not for the kids, but for the individual. You have to understand your S better than they do, and you have to be patient, and provide them with the 4 golden rules of marriage.<P>so that is why, and there are many good books about it, and it requires understanding who your H is, where he comes from, and how he looks at life. This understanding may not be what he tells you, and may not have been the same as when you were married. That is the hard part.<P>so don't take it personally, actually ignore it as much as possible, and let them figure out themselves, and ther livees by themselves. Each of us here need to figure out our own lives to the best we can, and decide what is best for us, and pursue that path.<P>It may be the tougher path, but the tougher path is not always the obvious one, and it may often not be the divorce route first.<P>good luck, I know I am rambling, but 8yo daughter is asleep and 11yo son just let me on the computer for a minute.<P>thl

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 23, 2001).]

Never stupid, never, never, never.<P>just something new to learn. In the Briggs & Myers personality typing, there is a question on whether a person is a Feeler or a Thinker.<P>The difference is that a feeler does not control his/her reactions with conscious effort, but releases them instantly for<BR> everyone to see and feel. A thinker has the same emotions but chooses to control them, and use them wisely, only showing them when safe and necessary, and using the thinking to master the feelings, and not be controlled by them.<P>the personality typing is very eye opening, and very dead on, at least in my case.<P>thl<BR>