<BR>We've been separated for awhile.<BR>I stated that before we were trying to<BR>get back together.<BR>But lately i feel more distant than ever.<P>We had SEVERAL issues before us.<BR>our families.<BR>our up bringings.<BR>he does drugs.<BR>he has black outs from alcohol.<BR>and if he doesn't he uses it as an excuse not to be responsible for behavior that makes him intolerable when he drinks.<BR>he's neglectful of our son.<BR>he's neglectful of me.<BR>i could ask him for answers or oonversatioon and it could very well be a cold day in hell when i get it.<BR>he has been physically abusive.<BR>he is mentally abusive.<BR>making fun of my occupation, discipline, and the way i talk.<BR>at times i use to wish his death.<BR>i can't begin to tell you how many times i bailed him out of his messes.<BR>he never helps around the house.<BR>he never acknowledges things i do.<BR>whether it be occupying our son for the day so he can have peace, or letting him enjoy a day free of responsibilities. I figure that should earn me a surprise night out.<P>ON the positive said.....<BR>i love him.<BR>i have a child with him.<BR>he can be fun.<P><BR>These days i feel frustrated and lonely.<BR>I can't talk to him.<BR>I think he feels the same for me.<P>Is it possible to love someone who you can't exsist with?<BR>

Looking..<P>RUN DON'T WALK TO A COUNSELOR!!!<BR>You are worth so much more than taking<BR>the abuse..you say you give him days<BR>of no responsibilities?? when does he<BR>TAKE them on??? <BR>When is he going to have to be held<BR>accountable for HIS actions? <BR>When are you going to love YOURSELF enough to get you help?<BR>And let HIM REAP WHAT HE'S SOWN???<P>By your bailing him out of his troubles you<BR>are reaping the consquences of HIS actions<BR>He's not..and He won't learn to do for himself if you continue to bail him out..<P><BR>Move forward with your life..with out him..<BR>if your son hates his dads actions let him know he has every right to feel that way..<BR>and know that YOU do too..<P>When are you going to see that You can Say NO<BR>to the abuse, I can't take it anymore and I REFUSE to take it anymore???<P>Find a support group that can encourage you<BR>and help you when you feel lonely and vunerable..<BR>

I think you have already made up your mind your just looking for strength may you find it soon!

I agree! I think you've already weighed the pros and cons of being with this man. It seems that you have made a decision. You will need amazing strength and I'm sure you will find it!!<P>Mitzi

Exactly--Looking Ahead--I know;<P>I have often thought that if my husband could have one of those near death experiences, then maybe he would change. I have wished him dead many times, and this is not because I did not love him. This is not something that I would ever say out loud. In fact, it is because I do love him. I love him, but I can't live with him. <P>I would sit there and think--I love this man so much, why is he so rotten? And why do I take it? I would be so much better off without this mental and verbal torture, so why do I stay? Am I still hoping that he'll see the light and change?<P>I am not a quitter--this in and of itself has been the hardest for me to take in this separation--if I was willing to work, to love unconditionally, to turn the other cheek, why wasn't he? Who is better off in this, him or me?<P>My husband has a lot of great attributes--he is a good father and has many talents. He is intelligent and well-read.<P>He also has a nasty temper--and uses me as a scapegoat for everything that has gone wrong in his life. This I can't take.<BR>

Dear Looking,<P>How have you approached his drug use? Rehab?? N.A. meetings? Is he not receptive to getting help for it? If you truly love him you must exhaust all this avenues first before giving up. If you can peel away all the layers of shame and guilt that are his drug addictions, you just might find the man you fell in love with and whom you married curled up underneath it all, scared and waiting for you to come save him.<BR>We have to earn our way out of a marriage by exhausting EVERY avenue. <P>Just imagine if he was your child. Would you be giving up yet?? Or would you never give up?? Most of us would be willing to take a bullet for our children if need be. Should we love our spouses any less or differently then that? <P>It's when they're at their worst, when they need us most.<P>Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can get enough leverage to push themselves out of the hole their in, especially with drug use.<P>Bernzini - Are you sure your not married to my husband??? The Dr. Jeckle, Mr. Hyde routine is a scary one, and one that most men perform well. Even if we, as women, can be extremely over-emotional, at least we're consistant.<P>My Mr. Hyde kidnapped my Dr. Jeckle 3 nights ago now. Walked right out the door with him, he did!! I'm afraid I don't think Dr. Jeckle's going to make it out alive <BR>I just can't meet Mr. Hyde's ransom demands.<P>Good luck to all here<BR>FS

If the man is verbally and physically abusive, what kind of example is he setting for you child?<P>You don't need or deserve to put up with most of these negative behaviours. But, in order to have peace in your life, you will be better off to try everything you can-short of becoming a burnt offering yourself-to improve your marriage.<P>Indeed, Run to a counselor. Preferrably one who prefers to help people improve their marriages - not end them.

A burnt offering.<P>Hmmm never looked at it that way.<BR>I believe we are both incredible angry over this whole situation.<P>I try my best but sometimes i do not believe in his ability to get over the affair i had.<BR>I don't think he is strong enough.<P>I worry about our son turning out like him.<BR>I did get him counselling. 2x a month.<BR>I never asked what they discussed. I want him to come to me...when he is ready.<BR>