I stayed and i forget why.<BR>I justified it because of love but is it?<BR>NO of coarse not.<BR>For our children what a poor example we've set. My son hates his father for hurting me.<BR>I feel like a failure.<BR>and you.....<BR>

I stayed out of fear..of losing the relationship...but what kind of relationship<BR>is it if it is lived in fear and not of love?<P>If you haven't read the book "Boundries" read it..it will help you learn to say NO<BR>to harmful things..and YES to good things..

Wow...good question that I haven't had to answer in a long time....<P>I stayed because of fear of being a failure..<BR>I stayed because of fear of being alone...<BR>I stayed because of fear of being harmed if I left...<BR>I stayed because I loved him...<BR>I stayed so my children would have a father, even if not a good one...<BR>I stayed because I thought I could make him love me as much as I loved him...<BR>I stayed because I thought I had no choice...<BR>I stayed because I wondered who else could possibly want a 31 year old woman with 3 kids...<BR>I stayed because I was too embarassed to ask for help in leaving...<BR>I stayed because I thought he needed me to stay...<P>I found out that...<P>I shouldn't have been afraid... <BR>He's still not a great father...<BR>He didn't love me like I thought he did...<BR>He didn't need me to stay... <BR>There are other men who would want a 31 year old woman with 3 kid...<BR>That I shouldn't have been embarassed...<BR>That I did and do have a choice...<BR>Not all men are abusive...<BR>I am much better without him...<BR>My children are in a healthier environment...<BR>That even though the bruises heal, the emotional scars last a long time.<P>Mitzi <P> <p>[This message has been edited by Mitzi (edited October 08, 2000).]

I was told that,<BR>he hits you once shame on him<BR>he hits you a second shame on you.<P>The laws are very easy on abusive men.<BR>Abusive men are very controlling<BR>They need counselling too.<BR>But find me one that ever says he's sorry...<BR>umm and means it.<BR>I've never been put in the hospital and i've hit him back with all i had. At days end his response is that i hit hard and it was mutual.<BR>At lords end...<BR>there comes a day when everyone has to answer for their actions.<BR>god bless.<BR>

looking ahead,<P>I've been where you are. If you want to email me, feel free to do so. I'll help as much as I can or just listen.<P>mitzihartman@webtv.net<P>Mitzi

where is the sense in it all?<BR>God doesn't believe in abuse.<BR>He loves everyone the same.<BR>Why anyone man or women feels the need to over power another indidvual is confusing to me.<BR>I think they need help.

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Why did I stay? Good question. There are times that I am still trying to figure it all out myself! Truth is, if there wasn't all the other things... chances are good that I still would have been there. <P>I stayed because I loved him, and even after all that has gone on, a part of me still does.<P>I stayed because I was scared to leave, not from what he would have done, but to be alone in the world with my son.<P>I stayed because he was not always like that, only was when we fought.<P>I stayed becuase I wanted my son to grow up knowing his father.<P>I stayed becuase I thought that he would change.<P>I tollerated it because it hurt less by him physically than the words he would use towards me.<P>I've learned that not all men are like that. <P>I've learned that I don't deserve that.<P>I've learned that it shouldn't hurt physically or emotionally to be in love with someone. <P>-Java<BR>

Java,<P>I tell people the same thing...If there hadn't been an affair and he hadn't decided to leave, I KNOW I would still be with him. I just hadn't gotten to the point emotionally where I wanted to leave. I don't know that I ever would have.<P>Mitzi

I stayed because I told myself it really wasn't that bad. That it was really my fault for being such a b!tch. That I deserved it. There's a part of me that still believes that. I would never have left. He left for OW and now we're divorced. I would have stayed forever.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

ThornedRose or anyone that knows,<P>Who is the author of "Boundries"? I'd like to read it.<P>Thanks,<BR>Ragamuffin<P>P.S. I stayed too long for all the wrong reasons and my previous thinking was "it will change", it didn't. I'm single, I'm happy and I am educating myself.

<B><A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/031022151X/104-6789177-0010346" TARGET=_blank>Boundaries in Marriage</A> by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend</B>, published 1999 by Zondervan Publishing House. Hardcover list price $19.99 US, but less at discount bookstores.<P>(I should get a commission on all these links I make!)<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited October 09, 2000).]

Karenna,<P>Thank you!!!<P>Ragamuffin

All of these years, I tried never to take his anger personally--I would stand there and cry and plead with him to calm down, just talk, and I would listen. When he lashed out at me, I really did try to understand reason behind his emotions. This only made him angier--the fact that I would try to see logic in his rage--tried to calm him down--but especially when I cried, that's when he really got mad. When he hurt me, it was because I "brought it onto myself." I was dumb enough to accept responsibility for pissing him off.<P>I stayed because I loved him and I was not afraid of him. I wanted to help him. I wanted to make it all better for him.<P>Whenever my children cry, I would hold them and comfort them. When they had temper tantums, I would try to hold my ground until their rage passed. When they fight with each other, and hit, bite, kick each other--I discipline them.<P>However, my husband is a grown man now, not a child. Why has it taken me this long to finally get this concept?<P>After all of this, I am tired. I realize now that I cannot make it all better--that this is something that he has to do on his own. I can't help someone who chooses to got through life cynical, pessimistic, angry and agressive.

Hi ladies,<P>I didn't realize I was being abused until I was seperated. It was emotional abuse, although there were some forms of physical abuse I didn't realize at the time either.<P>I stayed because he told me no one would dare talk to me , a single mom with 3 kids. I stayed because I wanted my kids to have their dad. I thought he would outgrow his bad behavior and become "a man". In a way, I kind of forgot the other reasons, but I had many.<P>Looking back, the relationship was so powerful in the beginning that I got sucked in. The emotional abuse didn't start til I was way in over my head in many ways.<P>I think the divorce is worse on the women who put up with abuse only to be left for another woman after it all. My prayers go out to all who have suffered like that.<P>Its also important to know that abuse comes in so many different forms, many of us (even men) were abused for years, but never knew it.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Ragamuffin...<P>The Boundries Book I am reading isn't Boundries in Marriage..it's just titled<BR>Boundries....same authors though..and there<BR>is a workbook that goes with it..<P>They have those two and Boundries for Children..<P>I just needed to learn how to set basic boundries..since I never learned them.

DanaB, You hit a nerve: To put up and shut up until you can't take it anymore, just to be left for another woman when you finally stand up for yourself. That was me. That's my story.<P>The day that I started ignoring him when he pitched a fit, when he started in on me and I didn't cry, when he would ambush me with zingers and I would say "Well, if that's the way you feel. . ." that's when he started cheating.<P>"YOU are the one who left ME," he says. He is not to blame for any of this.<P>What's up with that?<P>God must have a sense of humor

Bernzini..<P>"YOU are the one who left ME," he says. He is not to blame for any of this.<P>What's up with that?<P>My H left with a job he took 9 years ago..that requires him to travel and be home<BR>1 weekend a month (if he chooses to come home the company pays for the trip) some months he didn't come home..and I get the..<P>"WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD I ACTUALLY BEEN THERE"?? I just got to the point this week when he said that...I don't know YOU NEVER gave US that OPTION!!! He got mad and was like DON"T THROW IT ON ME...YOU HAD THE AFFAIR" (after 9 years of his never being here, and asking him to look for another job..his promising he would and NEVER doing it..I had an affair..yes it was wrong..and I should have just ended the marriage..but I guess I was hoping by my doing that he would finally quit his job and come home..No Such LUCK...so were going the D route)<P>God must have a sense of humor..<P>I think He does..I often wonder if He is looking down laughing at me..thinking stupid<BR>stupid woman..(but I know deep down He's not,<BR>but sometimes...I really do wonder)

Thank you all of you who shared your stories. But i feel even weaker today as a result of looking around myself. I wonder if they ever felt bad or if they ever will pay?<BR>Judgement isn't ours to hand out.<BR>okay.<BR>So god was caring us threw these times?<BR>He was holding us while we wept?<BR>Did he enter our dreams and create peace?<BR>I was told that I bring the anger out inside him. If i would listen more and clean up more then he would be happy.<BR>Don't get me wrong there are certain things that i complain about too.<BR>But these emotions get the best of me and i remember how good it felt to hit him.<BR>BUT i also remembering how i prayed that i would get to the door in time to protect myself.<BR>

Why did I stay?<P>I think there are several reasons...<P>Because this was my second marriage, I didn't want to fail..again<P>I hope he would change... realize the pain he was causing another human being especially me.. the supposed "Woman of his dreams"<P>Denial <P>Two very young.. precious children. I didn't want them to have divorced parents. As I did/do.<P>Began to believe it was my fault..<P>I would stand up to him and tell him that I did not deseerve to be treated like that. But it didn't matter.<P>The biggest think is I feel God is disappointed in me, that I have sinned by divorcing once again. That I was unable to be strong enough to not let him hurt me emotionally & physically, to turn the other cheek so to speak. <BR>I'll be divorced soon, I hope it ends once it's final. I am happier now that he's gone, its peaceful at home now. But I am so lonely!<BR>but not lonely enough to take him back!!!!!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by sweet (edited October 13, 2000).]