I'm working a lot on my marriage, being forced to now that my wife threatened separation. We're in counseling and probably will be for the next few months. I keep telling myself, "relax - take it a day at a time" but life is difficult right now.<p>What I'd like to know from anyone in or who has been in my wife's position, is how do I tell her that my outlook has changed, that I want to accept her as she is, that these changes in me are making me happy, they aren't just for her, etc. - you've probably heard it. I wouldn't be surprised if saying it verbally is working against me! I guess what I really want to say is "trust me - give me time to prove it to you so that you can feel sure about trusting me."<p>My wife isn't sure that we can make it, but really wants to avoid divorice for the kids' sake. I guess I have a need now to somehow calm her fears about me. How do I say these things, when it's only been a month since I discovered her true feelings and starting changing my perspective and needs?

Patrick,<p>In my opinion you can not tell her in a way that will make her believe and realize that it is for real. I would imagine given what I know that you have told her things before that ended up not staying. When my H tells me that he has changed and is trying I don't trust his words. When I hear the words I doubt them. I look at his actions to see the evidence that things will be different. If his actions were to remain constant then I would begin to see that he was serious and that he meant what he said. It will take alot of time to prove that the changes are permanent. It will take time for me to get rid of the nagging feeling that the minute I say that things are good he won't just go back to the way things were. The hardest part is being patient and giving it the time it needs. We all talk about wanting it fixed now but it took many years to get to this point and will take many years to correct it. I hope this helps you. <p>Steph

Patrick,<p>Nothing you can say will make the difference. At first I put a lot of energy in trying to tell my wife that I'd changed. Finally she just told me that it doesn't matter right now what I say, no matter how true it may be. She said that in her state of mind she does not even care about explanations. All she cares about is actions.<br>The problem for us (the spouse trying to change) is that even when we make the changes we want to see responses soon. I've found that making behavioral changes does make a difference to my wife but she is registering these changes inwardly, not necessarily with outward signs that she is acknowledging me. That's good but bad for me as far as feedback goes.<br>As far as I can tell the only way to go is to keep showing the changes with a sincere consistency. If you find a short cut please let me know.

Steph and Bruce,<p>Your answers are right - I know that time and consistency are the big things. Perhaps every spouse in my position feels the way I do now, which is that my eyes have been opened wide and yes, I do see things now from her perspective and I understand why she's feeling the way she does. I don't necessarily agree with her on all things, but I do see how she could be feeling that way. She's a good person, I have a lot of respect for her, so it's easier for me to address her needs than to argue about things where I think I'm in the right.<p>It's hard at this time to not get returns on my changes in the form of assurances that things are now better. However, my aim is to get to bed feeling like I was true to my feelings all day and, above all, to do no harm to our relationship. I hope that a scared spouse who is making a big effort to change things because he in no way wants to split up is at least a hopeful sign to my wife - she knows that she's got _some_ value.

Patrick---they gave you good advice and I'd have to agree with their plans. I also think that you are far ahead just because yu are aware of the need. Best wishes, hope it makes a difference soon.