I've posted once before under emotional needs ("he is unhappy and doesn't know why")<P>During current yr we have attempted to talk. H was gone for a month in Aug, came back to tell me he can't go on. At that point said he would talk with counselor. We tried talking to each other. He said he needed time to sort out his feelings. Something weird happened to make me think he is subconsiously trying to sabotage reparations. I told him if he had decided he wanted to divorce he should just tell me, and he said yes (2 days ago).<P>I asked why, he doesn't know! What does this mean? He said when he was gone a month he didn't miss me or ever wish I was with him. Said he thinks back over the 12 yrs we've known each other (married 4 in Feb 01), and he can't figure out how to get back to how it was when we were dating (we were so close, nothing I did bothered him). I told him it is always like that at first, then you have to work to keep it going, and it will always be changing. He's waiting for a miracle (his words) to change his feelings. I asked if he thinks D will solve his problems. He doesn't know. Maybe will make him feel worse. Then, I ask, why does he want this permanent solution? (He could not answer.) Once it is done, it cannot be undone. It's like his once-new house is in disrepair. He hates it, but won't fix it, and now he wants to raze the house and move on?! Does this make sense? <P>He admitted that I am not failing to meet any of his emotional needs (he is failing to meet a couple of mine--affection, openness and honesty). He said he doesn't want to be single. He just can't figure out how to get back. I do not understand why he won't get help. He said he still loves me (but wants to say goodbye forever???). I told him that I would agree to nothing without marriage counseling, because I do not feel the same way. I love him more that ever. Can anyone explain what is going on here? (He did agree to go to counseling.)

actually, you should also post this under general questions, but since you are here, it is a case of depression, in my non professional opinion, MLC is a depression at mid life.<P>since he isn't honest, I suggest that you don't talk about what he can't answer, let him bring it up first, and work on Plan A, trying to do the things that he likes, and just don't discuss the stuff he cna't talk about.<P>I would also suggest the Harley's phone counseling, and start getting some information on depression to get enough evidence to get a prescription for anit depressives.<P>when one is depressed, the brain no longer functions properly, and it can be a chemical imbalance with age, or event triggered.<BR>are there any external events which could cause depression lately? lwithin last two years?<P>good luck<P>thl

Two 1/2 yrs ago we moved overseas (military). Death of Grandfather about a year ago. Ill health of father earlier this year. Don't know what else. Which brings me to the next problem. Antidepressants not an option. He would have to have a psych eval., goes in the record. Cannot go outside the military MD, because it would turn up in random drug test.<P>Has been 3 days, every night he sleeps on the couch. It is getting worse. Now I feel he is deliberatly withholding affection. What do I do now? Still waiting for him to contact counseling (closed yesterday).

Louisa,<P>You may find out that your H is having an affair. My W said and did many of the same things your H is saying and doing. for 4 months we went to counselling without ever getting a clear answer (or any remotely real answer) as to why she was doing what she was doing. At the end of 4 months, she announced that it was over (12 years married with 4 yr. old daughter). One week later, I uncovered her affair that had been emotional for 2 or 3 years and had just gone physical about a month before counselling.<P>I think you will eventually uncover an affair as it seems that better than 90% of the folks on these boards have a WS with OP involved.<P>Good luck, and try to do Plan A. It takes a strong stomach. I will pray for you.<P>Jay

He says no other person involved, and I don't see how or when, other than maybe internet affair (which he denied as well). We live overseas, and possibilities would be limited (but not impossible). Except when at work, we are together out or at home. There is no time that is not accounted for, none of the usual "clues". I thank you for your prayers. Right now I have a need not to feel alone.

A sign of an affair is a change in your H's basic behavior. BTW, where was your H during the month gone? Who was he with?<P>An affair has many signs, but the most notable is change in his normal behavior.<P>However, not talking is a clue that there is someone else, in that unless he has always been closed mouthed, then he is trying not to hurt you while he has a major decision on his mind. Yes, it only takes once and then confusion sets in. And it may not be physical, but the EA's are even worse, as it is not typically considered an "affair" But acdtually it is more insidious and more deceitful than a PA.<P>keep your eyes open.<P>good luck<P>thl<P>That's the way EA's and PA's work at home. But you need to ask questions and keep a mental note of the answers. There was one couple here who said the same thing, and the signs were there, and the S denied it. Then finally fessed up.<P>Spouses don't like to admit affairs, legal problems, and weaknesses. But that is a common underlying disease/addiction here.<P>good luck, but keep asking about daily events, not feelings, etc. whom does he have in his group?<P>how old is <BR>

He went back to the states, 14 days to school for work (totally among strangers), another 2 weeks with his family in TX--same city as exgirlfriend, same state as internet acquaintance. Told me he saw/spent time with exg. Told me severed contact with net-chick. H has always been closed-mouthed (not about everyday stuff, but about pouring out the heart type stuff). He is 30 in Jan. I am 32 in Nov. That I know of, people he spends time with when I'm not around are friends of ours or his co-workers, all male.<P>What I don't get is this: if he's already bombed me with the D word, why not confess to infidelity? Wouldn't he think that would make me take him up on D?

Just a comment on your last sentence. My wife will still not admit to any infidelity, but her former best friend has confirmed that she had someone during the time she said there was no one else. She plans on leaving our home, and I want an honest statement from her that she has someone else, but haven't got it yet. She seems to want to deny anything. Just something to be wary of. I'm tired and going to sleep now, so take this with a grain of salt...just my 2 cents.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited October 10, 2000).]

Thanks, Rick. A lot of input suggests the same. It would definitly explain a lot. And at this point I would not be surprised by such an admission. Will be waiting. He is supposed to call for counseling today.<P>A prayer for you. L

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> What I don't get is this: if he's already bombed me with the D word, why not confess to infidelity? Wouldn't he think that would make me take him up on D?<BR> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Shame. He loves you, just thinks he loves someone more right now, that doesn't mean he has to hurt you. He is trying to spare your feelings. My STBX said that she does not want to hurt me, and she got good advice from a friend, finish one relationship before you start another.<P>Unfortunately, STBX can't see what she is doing to others around her, just because she has some issues from her family of origin.<P>If you don't have kids, it makes life easier.<P>Hs that are proud of having mistresses are really into themselves. Hs that have made a mistake, that want something else, are selfish or immature, but have feelings that they can't voice very well.<P>so don't misread your H, he staill has feelings for you that he doesn't know what to do with.<P>thl<BR>

thl,<BR>no kids.<P>He still has feelings for me? I'm beginning to doubt that. Since D-Saturday, he has totally withdrawn all affection. Does not sign emails with "love" anymore, does not kiss me goodbye to go to work (or anytime, really). I wrote him a long email to tell him that I love him in spite of all that's happened, the past requires forgiveness, and we have an obligation to save our marriage. I wrote how I valued him, how my anger and defensiveness (in discussions) got in the way of the real point: to help him. Wrote how I was never giving up and committed to him. He did not reply. Last night we met after work to attend a concert. We were seated and waiting for the show to start. I asked if he got the email. He said yes. I said, "Well?" He said, "We'll see. I can't make any promises." (That's the whole problem--he already made a promise!!!) I started crying and I couldn't stop. In the second number I got up and left without words to him. I couldn't take it another minute. I wasn't even watching the show, only hearing what he had just said to me, over and over. I left and waited for my friends (also at the show) to get home. They sat up and talked to me, and asked me to stay at their house last night, and I did. My friend's husband said he thought I should stay the weekend until the H leaves on Monday for 2-week deployment. Our counseling date is the 30th. I drove home and made the block 2 times before H left for work. BTW, H did call my friends' house several times. She answered once, and he asked if I was there; she said I was did he want to talk to me. He said "Yes, but just tell her I was worried." She said, "Okay, I tell her," and hung up. What a liar. I feel he cares NOT for me at all. (My friends are great counselors, married 10 years and a very strong marriage. Thank God they are willing to help me.) Speaking of God...you are looking at a woman who is rededicating her life to Christ, because now she knows what hell is.