She said last night that there wasn't any hope & she wasn't going to pretend to try anymore. She didn't give any specific reason, but I feel she never really wanted this to work out from the beginning.<P>This is my first time over here, so I sure could use some advice...<P><BR>nick

well, nick, do you have any details? how many kids, how many years togther, how old, a house?<P>my response is if you don't have kids, its different than if you do. Now, be hard on yourself, how was your plan A? mine was not as good as it could be, but then again, i only had three months to perfect it, from her point of view. It did get her confused, though.<P>forget the legal stuff at the moment, give us some history, and alot of opinions will come to you free of charge <P>Seriously, there are good lessons to learn here, and sometimes these things happen for a reason that you can't see, or isn't about you. that is very important to figure out, because if it isn't about you, there is nothing you can do.<P>anyway, fill us in!<P>thl<BR>

Hi thl,<P>20 years together, 15 married. One son,a house and 15 years worth of accumulated stuff.<P>An interesting thing is that she said this is about her and not really about me. She sees the change in me from 9 weeks of plan A (a month since she told me she doesn't love me & about a month since she moved out) She also sounds like she wants to mediate together the assets and that I deserve most of the assets because I earned more & received a minor inheritence.<P>Right now I'm just kind of in shock. Got the speech 2 months ago, she moved out a month ago & now this...<P>I guess it can't get much worse...<P>nick<P><p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited October 09, 2000).]

Nick,<BR>Not much fun to move over to this board ,i know.I can remember my H saying those words too"its over".<BR>I am sorry to say that I am not one of those "success" stories.I had little time to plan A also before H moved out.Also was in denial because affair was over the internet.No real evidence,no time spent away from home,he would not give me his password , ect.<BR> I know you are in shock.No real advice except that I hear your pain.We know what you are going thru.Keep posting.<P> Love and Prayers, Beth<BR>We may not have "success " stories like those in recovery,but that we have all survived and come thru that much pain is a success story in itself. <P>

Life lesson--maybe we could all plan A from the beginning of our next relationship. That's what I will be doing!

OK, nick you are in the same boat as I am. I just have 2 kids and two houses worth of crap.<P>This is/was my plan of action: mediation, talk to your lawyer, get references on mediators who are fair and bend towards mens' issues.<P>review with your lawyer what a judge would typically do in your case, and then get a sample or two of divorce decrees, read them and understand what they look like.<P>OK, now mediate with the knowledge of what you have and what you want. Be fair and equitable, but don't think that giving her money or possessions will change anything.<P>Then after the agreement is done, tell her that you negotiated this as a last resort, protection for you only, and that then you won't file it, she has to do this. But you still live the agreement.<P>You tell her that you don't happen to believe this is the best answer, this is the easy way out, and that when she is ready to either work on the relationship, she can call you, or she can do the work to file this and set up the court dates, etc.<P>just my advice and my plan. that's why i wanted some history.<P>thl<P>

Dear Nick,<P>Hi again! The best advice I can give you is to let her initiate the divorce. Let her know that you can't stop her from doing what she needs to do, but you also can't, in good conscience, be a part of bringing your marriage to an end. Let her know that you love her and that you know in your heart your marriage can be better. Don't beg her to change her mind, just state your position.<P>Don't take this to mean that if she <B>does</B> go ahead and get it filed that you don't respond, mediate, negotiate, etc. You must take care of your best interests and those of your son. But even through that process, you can keep on Plan Aing. <P>I told my H the same thing and, to date, he has not yet filed. I'm not doubting that it will happen someday, but when it does, I plan on responding to the judge that I <B>don't</B> feel the marriage is irretrievably broken! I'm not sure what the result of that stand will be, but I know that I have to make it -- it's what I believe. Stand fast in your beliefs, Nick. Don't become complacent just because she's made up <B>her</B> mind. You have a side, too.<P>In the end, you will know you did everything you could and you did it with your head held high. And if by some chance she changes her mind, it leaves the door still open.<P>Think about your stance as "letting go" not giving up. You still would like your wife to come back, but you have to find a place where you can find some happiness for yourself. By letting go, we allow ourselves the freedom to heal, get on with life, genuinely wish happiness for the other person, and in so doing, find a deeper, truer love for them and ourselves. <P>Also, by letting go, you can really start to get creative with how you want your life to be. You're not waiting by the phone, so to speak. That's when life can go right off the chart with possibilities and living outside the box. And like, Still Learning, said in her post on your other thread, when she had found herself and real happiness for herself, that's when her H decided to come back. She was attractive to him again because she was happy.<P>Sorry this got so long. I'm thinking of you and praying for comfort and peace for you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 1CO 13:2

gsd,<P>you are absolutely dead on correct :<P>Plan A for Life!<P>sorry to hear of your situation, although if you don't have any kids, I think that you can do a ton better, that you are worthy of a stable partner, and one that will work hard.<P>Your STBX sounded awfully FLAKY! I know a few of those in my life, although I may be flaky about time, and minor details, never the major stuff, career, education or recreational companionship.<P>So study your flaws, work on them, and find someone who can accept you for who you are, don't just settle. <P>I settled, and look what i got. <BR>the same as you. and yes, the beginning was great, but the beginning was not alot of growth, just alot of playing. I grew up, she did not. Her loss. the kids' loss.<P>thl

{{{{{Nick}}}}}<P>I'm so sad to come back and read this thread. You've tried so hard, have come so far. The advice you were given is good, let her do the filing, but talk to an attorney regarding your rights. <P>Lori<P>

Thanks Lori,<P>The more I think about this, the more I'm beginning to realize that it's not all about me. I made a 180 degree change and ran a great plan A for the 67 days she gave me to try. Her mind was made up before she ever told me that there was a problem.<P>I think she's making a huge mistake. Unfortunately, both me and my son are being hurt badly by this. I don't think I'll ever completely understand why she is doing this. I'm not even sure she understands herself. It's a terrible shame and it didn't need to end this way.<P>I'm not changing my stance. I'll continue to plan A at every chance I get and I'm letting her do all the work for the divorce. I will protect myself and my son at all costs. If for some reasn, she'd like to try again, I'd welcome her back, but that's up to her.<P>nick

Thanks Kristy,<P>As usual you give great advice. I'm throwing myself back into my career, and my interests. <BR>She's coming over tonight to discuss sharing Nicholas, and she's going to notice missing pictures and the ring. I need to start sanitizing my life of her. The reminders are still very painful. I know in my heart that it's over, and the pictures of us together or of her only remind me of what I'll never have again. I have no hope anymore, but if she were to want to try, honestly try, I would try too. I think the first step in healing is letting go, and I'm doing that now.<P>The hardest part, is that she was the center of my life, and now that she's gone, there isn't much left. I know this will get better. It already has. Thanks for you caring words...<P>nick

Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe creator of man and woman. Be with Nick today in a personal way. Send angels to minister to him and comfort him. Send small angels in the form of children to give his heart hope. Carry him through this time of difficulty and sorrow, and send him joy. Thank you for hearing our prayer.<P>(A prayer from your Jewish friend)<P>You are in my constant thoughts and prayers,<P> CJ

Nick - the advice to tell her this is not what you want is sound advice. Let her make the moves unless protection becomes necessary. That bought me some time and some financial advantage. Although, I did eventually have to file because I saw that there would be no other outcome and I needed to get on with my life. But that was over 2 years after he left.<P>Take care of yourself and keep working with the hope and the prayer that there is always hope until either party takes another spouse.

Thanks CJ & Cinderella,<P>I'm starting my first week without my son & it's pretty lonely here.<P>I've started my new life without her, and it doesn't seem as bad as I thought it would be. I know now that it is over, and that makes it easier to concentrate on getting on with my life.<P>I still think she'll change her mind, but that will happen long after I've gotten over her. What she's doing now is going to cost her a wonderful life with me and my son, but she can't see it, yet. I really feel bad for her, because I KNOW she'd going to deeply regret this. She's a nice person and I wish this didn't have to happen.<P>Thanks for the thoughts and prayers, they've really helped.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited October 15, 2000).]

Nick<BR>I feel for you <p>[This message has been edited by ShellHT (edited October 25, 2000).]

Nick<BR>You don't have your boy? I missed that the first time I read that.. I am terribly sorry for you. Some how doesn't seem right when she is the cause of all this. That would make it very hard.. <BR>wish you the best<BR>Shell

No, we're taking him alternate weeks. When she first moved out, I had him during the week & she got him for weekends. Now that she's decided she doesn't want me, we're setting up custody the way we expecrt it to be after the divorce. This just my first week without him & the house is very empty <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Nick,<P>Maybe I missed something here, but has it been less than 3 months? Also, is ther an OM, that you know of?<P>Did you see my other post, leading to here: <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com/</A> , or here, the first chapter of her book, that by the way, is worth picking up, might try the library: <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/divbustintro.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com/divbustintro.html</A> , I would suggest signing up for her forum, free, actually the same layout as this one, but red instead of green, (maybe subliminal, red to get you fired up to get them back, green to remind us what this will cost us in the long run, lol ), and if you didnt, read the excerpt that I posted <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001168.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001168.html</A> , that is right out of the forums. As I mentioned, several of the veterens appear to work closely with the author, and she participates in the forums.<P>The basic principal is call Solution Oriented Brief Therapy, SBT, where the discussions are based around simple things such as doing a 180 turnaround, and keeping your spouse off balance, in order to get them back.<P>I have been where you are, changes from day to day. Never give up, fight for what you want.<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Fellow Jayhawk,<P>I feel for you. Your situation sounds similar to mine in that I firmly beleive my wife had made up her mind before ever telling me there was a problem. I feel very betrayed that she isn't willing to talk or even discuss working on the marriage. She is so determined to get this behind her that it sometimes makes me wonder if there is OM, but I haven't seen any evidence. An affair seems to be the first place my mind went, but it really doesn't matter now that she's gone.<P>I have followed KristyAnn's advice as it turns out and I am happy to say that I have left the door completely open if she was to change her mind. I don't think she will, but I still don't see living my life without her. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. I so much want to her to give us another chance, but what I want doesn't seem to matter right now.<P>Just keep your chin up knowing you have done all you can.<P><B>Rock Chalk Jayhawk go KU!</B><P><BR>

Faithfulwife (CJ)<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe creator of man and woman. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I started reading this and heard, Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe creator of the fruit of the vine Maybe I've had too much wine over the years????<P>By the way, that was a beautiful prayer.<P>------------------<BR>JH93<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited October 16, 2000).]