H came home yesterday and was angry bc I spent a couple of hours on this forum. I had told him that I was on the computer, but I did not tell him exactly what I was doing (lying by ommission...... OK I am guilty). He feels that this is "working against us/him" when I talk about these things with other people. I dont understand his fright and anger, but I am trying.<p>After some false starts and ugly words along the way from us both, I showed him how to log-on and read the posts. I warned him that I may say things here that will hurt him or make him angry, and that they may seem one sided. (Although from what he read, he seemed to think I was fairly honest.) He only read my post and one other last night.<p>Is it helpful for him to read these posts and possibly post himself? I think it may be good, but then again I also feel (probably irrationally) that my "code of privacy with my therapists" is being invaded. Sometimes I need to vent, and this is a good place to do it. Venting can let me blow off steam without getting into an argument. I also feel that it may make me less likely to be as blunt about what I am upset about if I know that he will read it. I am not trying to hold back with him; I just feel so guilty when I hurt him that I try to avoid the absolute throw-it-in-his-face deal.<p>So, I can see both sides. What do yall think?<p><br>

Maria,<p>This is one of those times that can easily be damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't show him what you're doing he can accuse you of being secretive or spending time on something frivolous.<br>But if you show him, and he isn't yet ready for complete honesty, he gets mad at some of what he reads. I say let him see it and let the chips fall where they may. If he never gets to where he can't deal with what you are thinking and feeling then how will there ever be mutual cooperation?<br>My wife has told me some hurtful things since our problems came to a head. But it was a relief compared to walking around with all this stuff bottled up. To me the worst thing was the prospect of losing her. None of the hurts I might receive by hearing the truth about our marriage can compare to the hurt I'd feel if she left me. So, in comparison, there is nothing she can say to me now that will offend me. If it's bad that's ok. The fact that it's out in the open so that I can work on it makes me feel much better than the uncomplimentary nature of what she says can make me feel bad.<br>Yesterday my wife, as usual, didn't have a lot of contact with me though she did talk to me. She pretty much knows when I'd like to make love, and she knew last night was one of those nights.<br>After the kids were in bed I was watching a football game. She came in and sat down. Then she started explaining to me that she was coming on her period and was experiencing PMS. She told me that when this happens it would be good for me not to be thin skinned about things because that during this time she can easily say very harsh things at the drop of a hat.<br>She also told me that because she had her tubes tied after our last son was born that the effects can be especially pronounced and that the fact that she is about to turn forty also plays into hormonal changes.<br>She said that she wanted to explain all this because she was sure I probably didn't know these things. So, she said it was ok if I wanted to have sex but not to be upset if she did not react the way she normally might.<br>I can't tell you how grateful I was for the explanation. It saved me from thinking the wrong things what the motivations of some of her reactions were. When you're having marital problems it is so easy to think that the spouse's actions have a petty or selfish motivation. What a relief to hear that it was something totally physical/psychological. And I also felt like I was receiving respect that she took time to explain this.<br>I told her that although I, especially because of our situation, was always ready to make love. But that if she felt like she didn't want to, in light of what she just told me, then we can forget it and I won't be upset.<br>Well, we did anyway and it was ok. No, she didn't have any great response as far as foreplay goes. But by the time we were finished it wasn't bad at all. I can remember when I would have taken such a lack of response personally as some sort of commentary on my manhood. I would have let it interfere with love making and quite possibly have stormed out of the bedroom in anger.<br>Learning not to take this stuff personally has been the best argument defusing skill I've acquired.<br>If she can learn to continue with explaining things to me (because she didn't do that much in the past) I can see it doing wonders for our relationship.<br>But the person being explained to has to be ready to deal with the realities being explained. He or she can't be in that mode of running off with hurt feelings all the time. We have to grow up sometime.

Maria, my husband doesn't know I post here. He wouldn't approve of it I'm certain. Yet I feel that it is ok because of the anonimity of it all. I'm sure in the long run he'd rather have me ask the rather personal things I have HERE instead of to my friends whom he knows and sees. If he wanted to read this board I'd have some explaining to do (about my BIG mistake), so I doubt that I will tell him. (or change my name!!) I do wish though that he was INTERESTED in reading this forum.<br>Bruce,<br>Great news about the near disappointment. I find it very coincidental that she says that about her tubal. I had a tubal after our last child (over 3 years ago) and since have experienced the horrible PMS (NEVER had PMS before, at all, never had any monthy problems) Now I have extremely bad headaches right before, terrible pain during the month and am an generally a bit moodier around "that time". (but the Prozac has really helped there) I am kind of curious if this is typical after tubals. (AND IF SO WHY WASN'T I WARNED) Anyway--glad to hear that things went well for you.<br>And Bruce since you brought up sex, I'm not going to start a new post with this question . I decided to really initiate this weekend and be an active participant. He was more than thrilled. But that was it. I did feel more love toward him the next day than I have recently, but he acted the same as always to me. Do men ever show their appreciation the next day? I wanted us to continue to be close and intimate (not sex though), but I don't get any eye contact or sweet words (ok--once he did say tht it was really good, but it was so late in the day that I already was feeling sorry for myself) Am I asking too much? thanks for letting me ramble..

I can see why you may be worried over this, i feel the same. I want him to come on so that he can understand me better but then again, i probabaly wouldn't be so blunt because it would hurt his feelings and possible cause a fight. What to do? It seems a bit selfish, but i need to be blunt in order to get an honest opinion from everyone, and i'm not ready to give that up. Torn on this one.

Maria,<br>I did not tell my wife that I visited. But, she found it through the history file on the PC. I told her I would like her to read through these posts, and articles. Somehow, it only discouraged her. She never read it again, and does not understand why I visit and post. I don't post at home. For two reasons. 1 - My wife doesn't trust the internet any more, since, she used email and chats to correspond with the OM. 2 - It gives me a break from posting every day.<br>I personally would like to have her read here. I try to be as honest as possible.

I left the front page of this website up on the computer one evening knowing that he would be the one to shut it down. I know that he has seen it. I told him I visit here often and it's on the Netscape location bar. I wish he would come and read what people put up here. He might just be surprised to find out that there are a lot of people who are going through a lot of the same things we are going through.<p>And I sure would like for him to read what's here and maybe even join in the discussion. I think it would be beneficial.<p>I doubt, however, that he will. I don't worry about him seeing what I post here. Nobody can tell who you are unless they already know who you are. So what does it matter?

Bruce, just for comparison, no PMS problems here due to tubal. I don't think that she was grasping at that as an excuse though; just maybe some mis-info. It is really no big deal.<p>Thanks for your thoughts everyone. He will be reading three posts in particular tonight, so I know he will be reading this too. <p>Definately makes me feel different about what I write..... but I feel sort of relieved too. Now he can actually see that there are other people out there who are going through the same feelings and turmoil that we are, and maybe he will not feel so alone.

Well, for what it is worth..... it has worked out ok so far with him reading all of this. He has read 'Recon. Behavior" and my two posts. He has not thought I have been too one-sided, and has not gotten angry or been hurt very much more.<p>He was glad to see that he was not the only man confused by his wife's behavior!!<p>He will probably not ever write anything back, but who knows? Didn't expect the no-fireworks-show tonight either! Wonders will never cease!<p>If anyone else wants to encourage spousal participation in here, I would say go for it!

If only my wife would visit. I sent her e-mail 9 months ago to check out this site. I don't believe she did. I sent her more email last week and she said she would look at this and other sites I had sent. She didn't. Last night I asked her why she hasn't visited any of the links ... she said she had visited two of three but not this one. But she will tonite.<p>(Then she remembered she had a meeting this evening.)<p>Reminds me of an old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Sometimes I wish I could whack her on the head with a big stick (figuratively) and tell her that we are not unique.<p>The written word can be so different from those spoken. Conversation occurs then is gone. Maybe separate posts from spouses is an alternative way to converse. It is much less direct at one level yet more so at another.<p>We can only hope.