I am sorry....I obviously do not belong on this site<P>who would say to stay in a marriage,because there are children, where there is any kind of verbal or physical abuse????????????<BR> <BR>I am sorry, as a nurse, I have seen too many people die unhappy and regretful. <P>I am all for counseling, but one the whole <BR>90% of people who are verbally or physically abusive will not GO to counseling!!!!<P>As for the children..........Take it from one who knows all kinds of abuse, It is not admirable to stay. It leads only to martyrdom.<P>I am all for "God intended us to be together forever"<BR> but do you think God will judge your abusive spouse less harshly because you stayed?<BR>I do not get it, I know how damaging to your self esteem this is, and I watched my mother do this for 20 years. I can not and never will understand what drove her to stay.<BR>It was a sickness to abandon her children to go find this man because he was off drinking and she wanted him home. Home to beat her I assume. You are not doing your children any service by staying in these horrible situations. Children learn what they live, trust me, and what they need is a strong stable parent to guide them. Get rid of the person who feels it neccesary to belittle, hit or what have you in front of these kids. It is a hard thing to do, you may take their Mother or Father away, but they will see your strength and they will know that they have peace at home.<P>I am sorry , as I said I may not belong here<BR>but I have to tell you that I do not agree with some of these responses. I will never agree with it, I cannot imagine putting my 3 children through the pain and uncertainty of such an abusive relationship. Try to imagine how they feel, when you decided to have children you agreed to do the best for them. To guide them and above all protect them.<P>

Hey, Cinderella!<P>I think you and I have the same X! My STBX was verbally abusive to me for something like 12 years. Finally, this year (when we were splitting up and all) I got the book, "Verbally Abusive Relationship" and it hit me like a ton of bricks--OMG that's me! <P>Here's the really funny part. Once I started calling him on it and telling him, "I do not deserve to be spoken to in that way and you stop it" it totally threw him for a loop. Well, just thought I'd jump in and share. <P>Now Barabara, <BR>Here is my two cents. For 14 years I was in a verbally abusive relationship. I tried for 14 years to make it work and do everything I could to teach him how he was hurting me. He didn't care and it didn't matter. In the end, he left me in February. The funny thing is, he left because he said he was miserable, and somehow I grew up and realized I was miserable. Now he's cheating on me and being a jerk, and I am growing into someone great. I can't honestly say I'm sorry it happened. <P>I'd say here's a really good indicator to help you decide. If you were to show him the book "Verbally Abusive Relationship" would he be able to see himself in it? Or would he deny it and yell at you for having it? If he is willing to work on himself and stop being verbal abusive, then give it a try. If he is not even willing to admit it, it may be time to defend your self. <P>Once again, that's just my two cents.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.<p>[This message has been edited by FaithfulWife (edited November 16, 2000).]

CJ - Yup. Too bad they're both men. Well, they wouldn't be our x's if they weren't. We could have introduced them and they could have had a lot of fun at playdates. <P>I tell him I don't deserve that treatment and it doesn't stop him. I've walked off and left him yelling at me - in front of our children. I can't decide if, next time it happens, I shut the door in his face or leave him standing there yelling while I simply and quietly call the police and tell them my x husband is on the front porch bothering me and would they please send an officer. They're both powerful.<P>Whatdaya think?

Cinderella,<P>It's funny, because I remember the first time you wrote about leaving him screaming on the doorstep. I identified so strongly, because I had literally done the exact same thing. Sometimes, I get sucked in and participate in the situation, but at a certain point, it's like you separate from the the situation and you can see how foolish they look. <P>Anyway, regarding calling the police, I would say think it through. There are several things I don't know that could make a big difference. For example, is there a restraining order or not? However, assuming there has been no police interaction before, and assuming you are just divorcing and he lives somewhere else and comes to your place and makes a scene, I would say consider it. <P>When I read that book "Verbally Abusive Relationship", I realized that I had to set some boundaries around myself to protect myself. Not physical walls, but like limits I wouldn't let him go beyond anymore. For a while, it stopped him in his tracks, I think because he was surprised, but of course, it started in again after a while. The difference is, I have told him what I won't tolerate anymore, and now I have to stick to my guns. <P>In your instance, your STBX sounds very abusive. If you haven't gotten the book yet, get it--I'll even loan you my copy! But I'd say set some boundaries, and let him know that if he crosses them first you'll walk away and close and lock the door, and then you'll call the police. His behavior really is not appropriate in front of children and it's embarrassing in front of neighbors and it is harrassment. People who are acting maturely might be angered by someone walking away and locking the door, but they wouldn't stand in the yard and continue to scream. <P>Well, there's my two cents. I think on the safety issue alone, it is best for you and your kids to be behind that door!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Yep, I was married to one of "those" for 16 years. Got to the point that being struck would have hurt less than the words. At times, the words still haunt me today. <P>Did you nip it in the bud cinderella? The guy wouldn't have the luxury of being on my doorstep. Only public pickup and returns of the little ones. Would he behave the same way with people around? He wouldn't be on my property continuing verbal abusive behavior, by his choice in actions. If verbal abuse haunts me as an adult, 2-1/2 years after divorce, I wonder what it does to our kids?<P>Ragamuffin

I can remember STBX having a verbal fit in line at a ski resort, so public places didn't phase her abit.<P>when i told her i didn't appreciate certain things she said to me, she then said that she couldn't talk to me any more.<P>Oh well, her loss!

He is my x of two years. He's pitched screaming fits aimed at me in fron of others in public places. He has been deterred by nothing. Not other people. Not our children. Nothing. <P>And of course, he never does anything wrong. I now tell him, if we discuss something I did that he doesn't like, that he can just write it in his little book where he records all my sins and transgressions and he has never once denied having one.<P>There is not, nor has there ever been, a restraining order of any kind. With a microcassette recorder, I could possibly get one. However, he has never threatened me. I just feel that he holds so much anger inside that the possibility of him hurting me exists though he has remarried.

Cinderella,<P>Call the police and get it on record in case something does happen. Could you take him to court or file a motion or something to have the checks sent to you via US mail to be postmarked by the 15th? I would try to find a way to keep the SOB out of my face as much as possible. "Talk to the hand, cause Cinderella ain't listening" SLAM!!!<P>Barb

I second Barbara's emotion!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.