is there a stage during the separation period that you start to second guess the decision to divorce?

Always...<P>Just re-evaluate your decision...<P>Make sure you've done everything possible to have saved your marriage...<BR>...and if you <B>honestly</B> have... learn MB concepts to prepare yourself for a new life...<P>...if you haven't... then more contemplation is in order.<P> <P>Jim

I'm pretty sure it's too late......

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

Was a divorce your decision to begin with? How does your spouse feel about it?<P>Divorce is never an easy decision, but more often than not, it is the first one couples make. So many times it is an "easy way out". I don't believe in divorce, except in cases of violence or similar circumstances - And only after all other options have been tried.<P>If you have doubts, you owe it to yourself and to your spouse to explore those doubts. Don't just rationalize them away. You need to be sure when you sign those papers that you did all you could to honor your commitment to your spouse.

And in cases of love, it is never too late!!

it was my idea. it was the only thing i could think to do. i felt like i was drowning.

There was a affair 13 years ago, 5 years ago he said he didn't think he loved me anymore and a year ago he was talking with someone over the internet. <P>earlier this year he came to a conclusion that i am the only thing that he has ever wanted and he finally figured out what he wanted. in the mean time he was smothering me, wanting to know everything i was doing and pushed me away. so separating and trying to sort things out that way was the only way i knew how. basically told him that it was because i didn't know if i could forgive him for his infidelity. don't know if that is the case now though.

he also said recently he doesn't know if he would beable to get over the hurt i have caused him through this 6 month separation.

Infidelity at 13 years ago is not a reason now. It sounds like trust and a communication issue.<P>Have you done your research as to how to survuve an affair? are you meeting his emotional needs? Do you know what his emotional needs are? Do you know what yours are?<P>Obviously, there is still love here, just possibly aimed at the wrong places, and with good intentions.<P>I suggest counseling with the Harleys, and I think separating is an extreme move which seldom works, unless there is a committment of the WS to work on themselves, and the BS spouse has the capacity to love and understand him and forgive him.<P>I am in a separation, and it does not work, or it appears not to be working, but we will see. I think in house separation is good, however, in my case that is what lasted 25-30 years at my IL's, and i did not want to go the same route as them, which is a co-dependent, emptionally fused couple. YUCK! But separation is not a great answer either, as it is hard to work on a relationship from a distance.<P>I think you should work on the communication, and yourself, the smothering means you lack differentiation at intimatacy, and that is an internal development stage of yourself.<P>Can you tell I have been reading "Passionate Marriage?" It discusses what you are feeling, and how to deal with it.<P>good luck<P>thl

i think this separation left too many scars for him. and at this point is if fair to ask him to try again.

what would i say to him at this point anyway. "sorry i screwed up".......

--------<BR>"what would i say to him at this point anyway. "sorry i screwed up"......."<BR>--------<P>Sure. That could be a start. One thing I have learned the hard way is that men so rarely know what women are thinking and vice-versa. You never know what could be going on inside his head. You will never know if he is capable of forgiveness unless you ask. And remember that forgiveness is a two-way street, that you will have to truly forgive him as well.<P>It does sound like you both have love left in your marriage - focus on that. I can only imagine how tough it will be for you to "put yourself on the line" and open up to him about your doubts. But you know that nothing ventured - nothing gained.<P>Plus how will you feel years down the road still wondering if you really gave your marriage everything you had.<P>You might be surpised by his reaction. Love can conquer all if given a chance.<P>Sure it is easy for me to say - but give him a chance. Tell him how you feel. Stand up for your marriage if you believe it is worth it.<P>Seek counseling and pray.<P>Good Luck.

how do i make sure this just isn't a stage? we have been getting the paperwork done and maybe that brought up some final feelings.. how do i know i'm jut not getting scared of the finalization of it all? plus he is starting to see someone right now and is it fair of me to bring this up. i am so confused.

i am scared. he might say no........

Scared of what? the real answer? the final answer? the truth? you can't be scared of the truth, then you only live in fantasy land.<P>If you learn the truth, it will help set you free. Have you done everything to earn your D? Have you determined it won't work no matter what you say or do?<P>And don't tell us what you think he would say! That is a disrespectful judgement. Ask him, and then if he says it, you know. otherwise you are only guessing or thinking that you know him better than he, or know what he always thinks, which is highly unlikely.<P>So figure out what to say, and when to ask, and how to ask him, and then do it. Otherwise you may regret it for a long time.<P>thl<BR>

not-so-sure,<P>Please read the information at the following website. It is compiled by NSR one of the posters here.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General info </A><P>You really need to talk with your H. It seems to me that you have a very real chance to save your marriage and make it much better. <BR>Now would be a really good time to rethink the divorce. You two have much history together, and obviously things can be improved. Please read the information here and then ask alot more questions.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

he just left and is thinking about it. he is not sure what he wants to do. he has a girlfriend, and not sure what he wants. old baggage or soemthing new. i'm at a loss right now. i can't compete with that. i have told him from the beginning that there would be no chance at reconciling so he moved on. i should have never had him move out.....i could possibly have cost me my marriage

i feel like i should be calling him telling him why he souldn't give up on us and what i can do.......but is that fair to pressure him like that at this point?

I can't believe what i have done to this person that i supposedly love. I am absolutly loosing it.